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Love One Of Your Children More? Beware Of Your Parenting Style

Love One Of Your Children More? Beware Of Your Parenting Style

If you have at least one sibling, you know all to well the pains of sibling rivalries stemming from vying for your parents’ affection.

Most parents have a favorite child and EVERYONE knows it.

Christine Northam, a counsellor at Relate, says favoring one child over others is actually extremely common and normal. And having a favorite doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you human. The true difference maker and key factor dictating how much damage is done to “the others” is your parenting style.

Why do we have favorites?

No parent intends on connecting with one child more than the others, so why does this happen? This is an intriguing question with equally intriguing answers.

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You favor the one most likely to take care of you later

Sounds completely asinine and a little twisted doesn’t it? Well, researchers from Cornell and Purdue Universities conducted a study and concluded this was the top reason parents had for favoring a specific child over another. The child that was perceived most likely to care for mama in her twilight years earned first prize.

You favor the child that is most like you.

This one is pretty obvious. We love to see ourselves in our children. We see evidence of this in the ever popular “mini-me” phenomenon. It’s a bit narcissistic but definitely understandable.  Take for example the sports fanatic father who excelled (or dreamed of excelling) at sports, he will most likely dote on the “jock” in the family.

Researcher Megan Gilligan, a former Purdue graduate student who collaborated on favoritism the project, said one of the biggest predictors of who parents’ golden child will be is their perception of similarities between themselves and their favorite offspring. It’s the one they feel has beliefs and values most similar to their own.

Birth order can play a significant role in who parents favor

Scientific research published in the journal Demography shows that the birth of a first and a second child briefly increases the level of their parents’ happiness, but that a third child can have a negative effect.

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Transversely, the baby of the family could be the one favored if the parents desire more children but cannot have more.

Other Reasons:

The list of reasons why parents plays favorites goes on and on. Favoritism can result because of a child’s gender, intelligence, behavior, physical attractiveness (yes it’s true), shared interests and personality/disposition.

At the end of the day the why is not nearly as important as what we should do about it. This is where awareness of one’s parenting style and the ability to tailor it to suit the needs of each child becomes vitally important.

Favoritism Hurts

Favoritism demonstrated over a long period of time can be extremely damaging. It’s a parent’s responsibility to regulate themselves and their partner to make sure that one child isn’t given more attention than the others.

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If parents fail to adapt their parenting style and continuously shower one child with excessive affection, the repercussions for the other children can last for decades. The lesser-favored children build up feelings of inferiority, which can translate into lower self-confidence as adults.

Favoritism can ignite and perpetuate intense sibling rivalries. It can stir up feelings of animosity, anger, bitterness and jealousy between the more favored sibling and the others. The sibling relationships could be forever damaged due to the subtle and underlying conflict  parents playing favorites causes.

Perception is everything

According to Dr. Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., director of the Cornell Institute for Translational Research on Aging:

“It doesn’t matter whether you’re the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings. “The less favored kids may have ill will toward their mother or preferred sibling, and being the favored child brings resentment from one’s siblings and the added weight of greater parental expectations.”

Adapting your parenting style

Here are some things experts suggest you do to ensure your children are not scarred long term as a result of parental favoritism.

1. Give all the children the same amount of attention but make sure the attention is individualized

Try to ensure that the time you spend with each child suits the specific needs of the child individually. Tailor activities, conversations and time spent to match your child’s unique personality and interests.

2. Listen and be attentive for cues that your kids may be feeling less loved

Kids give subtle (and not so subtle) hints as to how they are feeling. When a child is expressing feelings that you are favoring a sibling over them try not to be dismissive and give them the canned “I love you all the same,” response.  Instead delve deeper into the issue to determine what specifically is leading to those feelings. Then address it head on.

3. Enlist the help of other adults

Allowing other trusted, responsible and safe adults to spend time with your kids–especially those who are a bit more attention starved is a great way of ensuring they get the attention and emotional connection from a caring adult that they need.

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Some kids just need more attention–plain and simple. Allowing others to assist can aid you in ensuring that you are treating each child fairly but also ensuring they are getting what they need. Fairness does not necessarily mean equality. The distribution of love should be equal but the execution of how that love is displayed should be individualized.

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Published on March 13, 2019

What Makes A Great Place to Work Whilst Pregnant

What Makes A Great Place to Work Whilst Pregnant

Among women who had their first child in the early 1960s, just 44% worked at all during pregnancy. The latest figures show that 66% of mothers who gave birth to their first child between 2006 and 2008 worked during their pregnancy.[1]  It also showed that about eight-in-ten pregnant workers (82%) continued in the workplace until within one month of their first birth which has vastly increased from 35%. It is clear to see form the statical trends that more women are choosing to continue working through, and late into, pregnancy.

Unlike other developed world countries, the USA does not mandate any paid leave for new mothers under federal law,[2] though some individual employers make that accommodation and it is mandated by a handful of individual states. Finding what makes a great workplace whilst pregnant can alleviate stress and provide more stability for you and your family. 

In this article, you will discover exactly the best places to work whilst pregnant.

How Difficult Is It to Work Whilst Pregnant?

Many people strive to find and attain good jobs. For pregnant women, however, that process is often especially challenging. After all, you’ll face extra obstacles that are unique to expectant mothers.

If you are pregnant and need a job, then you’re definitely not alone. You are also not alone if you’re already employed and want to find a new job that is more family-friendly. Changing jobs while pregnant is something that many women consider, especially when they realise that their current positions may not be suitable for pregnancy or offer the benefits or flexibility that they’ll soon need. 

Getting a job while pregnant may not be the easiest thing in the world to do, but it is possible.

You can look for employment opportunities that don’t require too much physical exertion and that won’t cause you much emotional stress. Also, look for jobs that come with the chance to work flexible hours, offer good medical benefits, allow you to take time off as needed, and don’t require a long commute. In addition, it’s obviously wise to consider avoiding jobs that may expose you to toxins, people with communicable illnesses, or other physical hazards.

The Pre-Natal Mamma’s Needs

During pregnancy, there are many mental and physiological changes that a woman will go through. In understanding those changes, it is more clear which types of jobs and workplaces are more suited to you as a pregnant woman. 

During pregnancy, the birth of your baby and the postnatal period, changes in the hormones in your body can have an effect on your emotions during pregnancy. These hormones and the changes can cause joy, fear, surprise and anxiety all of which can be assisted with necessary support and talking. 

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The physiological changes are more varied according to each trimester:

1st Trimester (0-13 weeks)

In the first few weeks following conception, your hormone levels change significantly. Your uterus begins to support the growth of the placenta and the fetus, your body adds to its blood supply to carry oxygen and nutrients to the developing baby, and your heart rate increases.

These changes accompany many of the pregnancy symptoms, such as fatigue, morning sickness, headaches, and constipation. During the first trimester, the risk of miscarriage is significant.

2nd Trimester (13 – 27 weeks)

While the discomforts of early pregnancy should ease off, there are a few new symptoms to get used to. Common complaints include leg cramps and heartburn. You might find yourself growing more of an appetite, and your weight gain will accelerate. 

3rd Trimester (28 weeks – birth)

Travel restrictions take effect during the third trimester. It’s advised that you stay in relatively close proximity to your doctor or midwife in case you go into labor early. The baby is growing bigger and stronger; the kicks can be quite powerful and your abdomen is becoming larger and heavier.

Stretch marks may develop if they haven’t earlier in the pregnancy. Braxton-Hicks contractions- which are usually perceived as painless tightening can be felt. Lower back pain is very common and there may be more pelvic pressure and with this more frequent urination. 

Swollen legs and feet are very common as are increased fatigue, interrupted sleep and a reduced ability to eat a full meal at one sitting.

4th Trimester (Post birth onwards)

Your baby’s fourth trimester starts from the moment she’s born and lasts until she is three months old. The term is used to describe a period of great change and development in your newborn, as she adjusts to her new world outside your womb. There are many adaptations, recovery and rest that you and your baby need through this trimester whether you have a natural or c-section birth.

All of these considerations need to be in mind when looking to find a great workplace whilst pregnant — whether you’re looking to ask for more support from your current workplace, find a new job or enter employment. 

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Next, let’s look at the factors that would define the opposite; somewhere you shouldn’t look to work whilst pregnant.

How to Spot The Worst Workplaces to Work Whilst Pregnant

1. Non-Negotiable Heavy Lifting

Do you have to lift, push, bend, shove, and load materials all day? If you do, many experts believe you should ask for a job reassignment or quit by the 20th week of pregnancy.

2. Toxic Environments

The list of jobs that involve dangerous substances is miles long. Consider the artist who works with paint and solvents all day, the dry cleaner who breathes in cleaning fumes, the agricultural or horticultural worker who works with pesticides, the photographer who uses toxic chemicals to develop pictures, the tollbooth attendant who breathes in car and truck exhaust, or the printer who works with lead substances.

3. Proximity to People with Communicable Illnesses

Working with or exposure to certain bacteria, viruses, or other infectious agents could increase your chances of having a miscarriage, a baby with a birth defect, or other reproductive problems.  Some infections can pass to an unborn baby during pregnancy and cause a miscarriage or birth defect. Infections like seasonal influenza (the flu) and pneumonia can cause more serious illness in pregnant women.

4. Extended Hours of Standing

Cooks, nurses, salesclerks, waiters, police officers, and others, have jobs that keep them on their feet all day. This can be difficult for a pregnant woman, but it might be downright dangerous for her unborn baby. Studies have found that long hours of standing during the last half of pregnancy disrupt the flow of blood.[3]

Key Factors Creating a Great Workplace whilst Pregnant

1. Flexibility

You might feel tired as your body works overtime to support your pregnancy — and resting during the workday can be tough. Having an employer or job that provide care and is understanding to your needs is hugely beneficial.

A compassionate and empathetic employer will understand morning sickness; they will facilitate changes in working hours to accommodate your energy and assist with the smells from the work kitchen. 

They will also enable you to remain flexible to snack as and when you want to – crackers and other bland foods can be lifesavers when you feel nauseated. Nad eating small frequent meals are similarly saving you as your meal quantity decreases.

2. Compassion

More employers are learning that the idea that pregnant women are willing and necessary contributors to the economy and are capable of adding long-term value to their organizations. 

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Employers that follow good practice in maternity can improve the experience of pregnant employees and new mothers and encourage them to return to work following maternity leave.

A good relationship between a pregnant employee and her line manager is essential to the successful reintegration of the employee following maternity leave.

3. Stress Reduced

Stress on the job can sap the energy you need to care for yourself and your baby.

To minimize workplace stress, take control. Make daily to-do lists and prioritise your tasks. Consider what you can delegate to someone else — or eliminate. 

Talk it out. Share frustrations with a supportive co-worker, friend or loved one. 

Practice relaxation techniques, such as breathing slowly or imagining yourself in a calm place. Try a prenatal yoga class, as long as your health care provider says it’s OK.

4. Adaptable

As your pregnancy progresses, everyday activities such as sitting and standing can become uncomfortable. Remember those short, frequent breaks to combat fatigue? Moving around every few hours also can ease muscle tension and help prevent fluid buildup in your legs and feet. 

Using an adjustable chair with good lower back support can make long hours of sitting much easier — especially as your weight and posture change. If your chair isn’t adjustable, use a small pillow or cushion to provide extra support for your back.

Elevate your legs to decrease swelling. If you must stand for long periods of time, put one of your feet up on a footrest, low stool or box. Switch feet every so often and take frequent breaks.

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Wear comfortable shoes with good arch support. Consider wearing support or compression hose, too.

5. Financial Support

Financial strain is one of the leading causes of peri & post natal depression. Employers can support employees by offering them benefits beyond the statutory minimum, for example training mechanisms to help them cope with balancing work and family commitments. 

The employer should conduct a performance review with the employee prior to her maternity leave to boost her confidence and encourage her to consider how parenthood and work will fit together.

Key Take-Aways

If you’re working while you’re pregnant, you need to know your rights to antenatal care, maternity leave and benefits. 

If you have any worries about your health while at work, talk to your doctor, midwife or occupational health nurse. You can also talk to your employer, union representative, or someone in the personnel department (HR) where you work. 

Once you tell your employer that you’re pregnant, they should do a risk assessment with you to see if your job poses any risks to you or your baby. If there are any risks, they have to make reasonable adjustments to remove them. This can include changing your working hours. 

If you work with chemicals, lead or X-rays, or in a job with a lot of lifting, it may be illegal for you to continue to work. In this case, your employer must offer you alternative work on the same terms and conditions as your original job. If there’s no safe alternative, your employer should suspend you on full pay (give you paid leave) for as long as necessary to avoid the risk.

Look for employment opportunities that don’t require too much physical exertion and that won’t cause you much emotional stress. Also, look for jobs that come with the chance to work flexible hours, offer good medical benefits, allow you to take time off as needed, and don’t require a long commute. 

Your current employer may need to offer you different types of work or a change to your working hours. If your employer can’t get rid of the risks (for example by finding other suitable work without any reduction in pay for you), they should offer you suspension on full pay.

Featured photo credit: Alicia Petresc via unsplash.com

Reference

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