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Love One Of Your Children More? Beware Of Your Parenting Style

Love One Of Your Children More? Beware Of Your Parenting Style

If you have at least one sibling, you know all to well the pains of sibling rivalries stemming from vying for your parents’ affection.

Most parents have a favorite child and EVERYONE knows it.

Christine Northam, a counsellor at Relate, says favoring one child over others is actually extremely common and normal. And having a favorite doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you human. The true difference maker and key factor dictating how much damage is done to “the others” is your parenting style.

Why do we have favorites?

No parent intends on connecting with one child more than the others, so why does this happen? This is an intriguing question with equally intriguing answers.

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You favor the one most likely to take care of you later

Sounds completely asinine and a little twisted doesn’t it? Well, researchers from Cornell and Purdue Universities conducted a study and concluded this was the top reason parents had for favoring a specific child over another. The child that was perceived most likely to care for mama in her twilight years earned first prize.

You favor the child that is most like you.

This one is pretty obvious. We love to see ourselves in our children. We see evidence of this in the ever popular “mini-me” phenomenon. It’s a bit narcissistic but definitely understandable.  Take for example the sports fanatic father who excelled (or dreamed of excelling) at sports, he will most likely dote on the “jock” in the family.

Researcher Megan Gilligan, a former Purdue graduate student who collaborated on favoritism the project, said one of the biggest predictors of who parents’ golden child will be is their perception of similarities between themselves and their favorite offspring. It’s the one they feel has beliefs and values most similar to their own.

Birth order can play a significant role in who parents favor

Scientific research published in the journal Demography shows that the birth of a first and a second child briefly increases the level of their parents’ happiness, but that a third child can have a negative effect.

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Transversely, the baby of the family could be the one favored if the parents desire more children but cannot have more.

Other Reasons:

The list of reasons why parents plays favorites goes on and on. Favoritism can result because of a child’s gender, intelligence, behavior, physical attractiveness (yes it’s true), shared interests and personality/disposition.

At the end of the day the why is not nearly as important as what we should do about it. This is where awareness of one’s parenting style and the ability to tailor it to suit the needs of each child becomes vitally important.

Favoritism Hurts

Favoritism demonstrated over a long period of time can be extremely damaging. It’s a parent’s responsibility to regulate themselves and their partner to make sure that one child isn’t given more attention than the others.

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If parents fail to adapt their parenting style and continuously shower one child with excessive affection, the repercussions for the other children can last for decades. The lesser-favored children build up feelings of inferiority, which can translate into lower self-confidence as adults.

Favoritism can ignite and perpetuate intense sibling rivalries. It can stir up feelings of animosity, anger, bitterness and jealousy between the more favored sibling and the others. The sibling relationships could be forever damaged due to the subtle and underlying conflict  parents playing favorites causes.

Perception is everything

According to Dr. Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., director of the Cornell Institute for Translational Research on Aging:

“It doesn’t matter whether you’re the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings. “The less favored kids may have ill will toward their mother or preferred sibling, and being the favored child brings resentment from one’s siblings and the added weight of greater parental expectations.”

Adapting your parenting style

Here are some things experts suggest you do to ensure your children are not scarred long term as a result of parental favoritism.

1. Give all the children the same amount of attention but make sure the attention is individualized

Try to ensure that the time you spend with each child suits the specific needs of the child individually. Tailor activities, conversations and time spent to match your child’s unique personality and interests.

2. Listen and be attentive for cues that your kids may be feeling less loved

Kids give subtle (and not so subtle) hints as to how they are feeling. When a child is expressing feelings that you are favoring a sibling over them try not to be dismissive and give them the canned “I love you all the same,” response.  Instead delve deeper into the issue to determine what specifically is leading to those feelings. Then address it head on.

3. Enlist the help of other adults

Allowing other trusted, responsible and safe adults to spend time with your kids–especially those who are a bit more attention starved is a great way of ensuring they get the attention and emotional connection from a caring adult that they need.

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Some kids just need more attention–plain and simple. Allowing others to assist can aid you in ensuring that you are treating each child fairly but also ensuring they are getting what they need. Fairness does not necessarily mean equality. The distribution of love should be equal but the execution of how that love is displayed should be individualized.

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Published on November 7, 2018

How to Homeschool in the 21st Century (For All Types of Parents & Kids)

How to Homeschool in the 21st Century (For All Types of Parents & Kids)

In 2016, it was estimated that 1.7 million children were being homeschooled in the U.S, roughly 3.3% of all school-aged children.[1] Although this may not sound like a big portion of the population, the growth rate of homeschooling has been 7 to15% per year for the last two decades.

The burgeoning numbers are not a coincidence. There are tremendous benefits to homeschooling, including one-on-one teaching, adaptability to individual needs and learning styles, a safe learning environment, encouraging learning for knowledge rather than grades, and tailoring a curriculum to the child’s interests.

Is homeschooling something that you have been considering for your family? With all of the tools and resources available for homeschoolers in the 21st century, it may be easier than you think.

How to Homeschool (Getting Started)

After thinking it through, you’ve decided that homeschooling is the right step for you and your family. Now what? Here are the first things you should do to get your homeschooling journey started on the right track.

Figure Out the Laws

Homeschooling is regulated by the state, not the federal government. The first step is to find the current and accurate legal requirements mandated by your state in order to educate your child legally.[2]

The regulations can vary widely, from strict guidelines to no guidelines at all. However, don’t be overwhelmed by the legal jargon. There are many resources and local communities for homeschooling families that can help you figure out the logistics.

Decide on an Approach

Every child’s needs are different. This is your chance to choose the homeschooling style or combination of styles that best fits your child’s learning style and interests. A brief description of seven different homeschooling methods are listed below.

Supplies/Resources

Often times, purchasing a homeschooling curriculum is done too early in the planning process, resulting in buyer’s remorse.

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A curriculum is not always needed for homeschooling, and other types of free or less structured resources are readily available.

Find a Community

Getting connected with a community of homeschoolers is one of the most important parts of building a successful and thriving homeschool environment for your kids.

Look for communities online for virtual support or a local group that you and your kids can interact with. Partnering with others fosters better socialization skills for the students and provides opportunities for field trips, classes, and outings that wouldn’t have otherwise been a part of the homeschooling experience.

7 Different Homeschooling Methods

1. School-At-Home

Also known as Traditional homeschool, School-At-Home uses essentially the same curriculum as the local private or public school but at home.

The lessons can be completed independently, but more commonly, they are administered by a parent or a teacher-facilitated online school.

  • Benefits: formal standards, wide selection of curricula, same pace as peers, short-term friendly
  • Drawbacks: expensive, inflexible, time consuming, parent can get easily burnt out
  • Resources: K12, Time4Learning, Abeka

2. Classical

One of the most popular homeschooling methods used, it borrows educational practices from Ancient Greece and Rome. Subject areas are studied chronologically so that students can understand the consequence of ideas over time.

Socratic dialogue fosters effective discussions and debate to achieve beyond mere comprehension. There is often a strong emphasis on Great Books[3] as well as Greek and Latin.

3. Unit Studies

Rather than breaking up education into subjects, unit studies approach each topic as a whole, studying it from the perspective of each subject area.

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For example, a unit study about animals could include reading books about animals, learning about the classification of animals, figuring out which animals live on which continents, etc. This method is often used as a technique in other more comprehensive educational methodologies.

  • Benefits: promotes thinking about concepts as a whole, not monotonous or redundant, student-directed, bolsters weaker subject areas, beneficial for teaching multi-age students
  • Drawbacks: incomplete, knowledge gaps, curriculum-dependent
  • Resources: Unit Study, Unit Studies, Unit Studies Made Easy, Konos

4. Charlotte Mason

This Christian homeschooling style utilizes shorts periods of study (15-20 minute max for elementary, 45 minute max for high school), along with nature walks and history portfolios.

Students are encouraged to practice observation, memorization, and narration often. With a focus on “living books” (stories with heroes, life lessons, socio-ethical implications), reading plays a big role in this student-paced teaching style.

5. Montessori

Maria Montessori developed this method through working with special needs children in the early 20th century.

With a primary focus on the student setting the pace and indirect instruction from the teacher, this approach includes free movement, large unstructured time blocks (up to 3 hours), multi-grade classes, and individualized learning plans based on interests.

6. Unschooling

Unschooling is a learning model largely based on the work of John Holt.[4] The teaching style focuses mainly on the students’ interests, putting priority on experiential, activity-based, and learn as you go approaches.

For basic skills such as reading, writing, and math, a systematic technique is employed, but testing and evaluations are typically not utilized. Teachers, in general, play more of a facilitator role.

7. Eclectic/Relaxed

As the most popular method of homeschool, eclectic homeschooling is child-directed, resourceful, and non-curriculum based.

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Parents can sample any combination of homeschooling methods and styles or resources. One growing sector of eclectic homeschooling combines part homeschooling with part traditional schooling.

How to Facilitate Homeschooling with Technology

One of the reasons homeschooling is more feasible than ever before is due to the accessibility of tools and resources to enhance the learning process.

Email

Email is a tool that has really stood the test of time. Invented in 1972, it is still used today as a primary means of communicating on the Internet.

It is a great way to share assignments, links, and videos between parent and student.

Google Drive/Calendar

Google Drive offers a multitude of essential programs that can come in handy for homeschoolers, such as Docs, Sheets, Slides, and more.

With its sharing capabilities, easy accessibility, and auto-save ability, it’s easier than ever to organize and complete assignments. It will improve students’ writing and typing skills, as well as eliminate the need for paper.

Google Calendar is an excellent tool for tracking assignment due dates, planning field trips and activities, and developing time management skills.

Ebooks

Rather than invest in physical copies of books, ebooks are a wonderful option for saving money and space. There are plenty of places that offer a free or paid subscription to a wide selection of ebooks:

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E-Courses

When a structured curriculum is necessary for teaching a certain topic, an e-course is the way to go.

From watercolors to calculus, there are e-courses available about almost everything. Including different teaching styles that vary from the parents will encourage students to learn in different ways.

The visual and auditory stimulation will also be beneficial in helping students understand and retain the concepts being taught.

Some recommendations:

Youtube

Youtube is not just a platform for music videos and cats doing funny things. There are a number of Youtube channels that produce quality educational videos, free of charge.

Creating a playlist of videos for various topics is a great way to supplement a homeschool education.

Some recommendations:

Final Thoughts

Homeschooling in the current age looks much different than it did ten years ago. There are more options and more flexibility when it comes to educating kids at home.

Don’t be overwhelmed by the idea of homeschooling your children if it could make a positive impact on your family.

Featured photo credit: Hal Gatewood via unsplash.com

Reference

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