Advertising
Advertising

How To Become A Person Everyone Wants To Approach

How To Become A Person Everyone Wants To Approach

Ever wonder why people gravitate toward some individuals and not others, maybe even you? It could be at a party or a professional networking event, but wherever you’re, there’s always someone people pay the most attention to. Being that go-to guy or gal will pay off at both work and in your personal life, notes Lolly Daskal, founder of Lead from Within, a global consultancy that has counseled heads of state, consulted with leaders of multinational companies and coached entrepreneurs.

But there are several reasons why some people just don’t seem approachable, even if they really are friendly and interesting. Here are ways to generate positive vibes and have people flocking to be your friends or bosses assigning you the next big project.

Reasons Why People Seem Unapproachable

1. Wearing a frown or unpleasant look on your face. This instantly steers people away from you. They perceive you as unhappy and negative and they don’t want that experience.

Advertising

2. Being critical or judgmental. Most people don’t want to be the subject of your criticism or judgment, nor do they want to hear you bash others.

3. Using body language that closes yourself off. If you’re standing in a room with your arms crossed, that gives an instant signal that you do not want to be bothered and are not approachable.

4. Avoiding eye contact. If you stare at the ground or off in the distance, people cannot read your expression and will pass you by.

Advertising

5. Putting up barriers. Even holding your glass in front of you or your mouth gives the impression that you don’t want to talk to anyone. Hold the glass at chest level or by your side.

How To Be More Approachable

1. Offer a compliment

By extending a compliment specific to a person, they’ll see that you’re taking the time to chat briefly with them. A quick “love that tie” or “great purse” to a co-worker in passing will give off positive vibes. Letting someone know that you love their shoes at a party may open up a window of opportunity to start speaking with them. Be sure your compliment is genuine, though, and not fake. Most people can sense the difference. Extending a compliment to someone and eliciting a smile in return also will brighten your day.

2. Simply smile

Shocker, right? The more you smile, the friendlier you seem to others, notes novelist Lisi Harrison. Also, studies show that people tend to mimic the expressions on others’ faces, so if you make it a habit to genuinely smile at others, they tend to smile right back. Another perk–research shows that simply smiling at others will make you happier, too.

Advertising

3. Be engaged

Don’t hog the conversation or spotlight, but subtly encourage others. Listen to them, their stories. They’ll recognize you as a great listener and positive person.

4. Appear to be open and friendly

Pay attention to your body language and make eye contact, position yourself in front of the person and keep your arms open, says David Morin, social life expert. Do not pay more attention to your phone or turn your back on the person speaking. Also keep your head up, not down, so people can clearly see your face and make eye contact.

5. Try trait transfer

This is a tried and true technique shared by New York Times bestselling author Gretchen Rubin where what you say about others influences how people feel and see you. If you talk highly of a co-worker, for example, then your audience will perceive you as someone who is just as worthy.

Advertising

6. Ooze with energy

There’s actually a phenomenon called emotional contagion where people “catch” the emotions of other people and they really prefer to “catch” energetic, positive and upbeat moods. Even if you’re entering a boring business meeting, be positive and peppy. If you see yourself as more of a smart aleck with a little edginess, you can still present yourself as warm with those personality quirks.

7. Remember names

Calling someone by their first name during a conversation or passing by in the hall really means a lot to that person. You noticed them. That practice can go a long way in the work world.

So, even if you know you’re witty, you’re fun, you’re a great person, but you just aren’t drawing attention at networking events or social outings, reevaluate how you appear to others, what you say and how you act, because you might inadvertently be giving off signals that you’re unapproachable. Simple changes, such as making eye contact, offering up sincere compliments, and being positive will help to make you a magnet to others.

More by this author

You Don’t Need To Be Strong All The Time, It’s OK To Feel Weak And Cry No More Addiction To Work: 5 Tips On Maintaining Work-Life Balance 12 Squat Exercises For Ladies Who Want Bubble Butts Stranded Killer Whale Cries For Help, People Do Something Priceless To It Two Grandmothers Broke The Tradition And Gave Their Grandkids The Best Wedding Blessing Ever

Trending in Communication

1 How to Say No When You Say Yes Too Often 2 How to Fight Your Irrational Fears And Stay Strong 3 Feeling Frustrated in Life? 8 Ways to Get Back on Track 4 8 Ways to Change Your Self-Sabotaging Behaviors 5 Feeling Stuck in Life? How to Never Get Stuck Again

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on July 8, 2020

How to Say No When You Say Yes Too Often

How to Say No When You Say Yes Too Often

Do you say yes so often that you realize you aren’t really happy about this, wondering how to say no to people?

For years, I was a serial people pleaser. Known as someone who would step up, I would gladly make time especially when it came to volunteering for certain causes. I proudly carried this role all through grade school, college, even through law school. For years, I thought saying “no” meant I would disappoint a good friend or someone I respected.

But somewhere along the way, I noticed I wasn’t quite living my life. Instead, I seem to have created a schedule that was a strange combination of meeting the expectations of others, what I thought I should be doing, and some of what I actually wanted to do. The result? I had a packed schedule that left me overwhelmed and unfulfilled.

It took a long while but I learned the art of saying no. Saying ‘no’ meant I no longer catered fully to everyone else’s needs and could make more room for what I really wanted to do. Instead of cramming too much in, I chose to pursue what really mattered. I started to manage my time more around my own needs and interests. When that happened, I became a lot happier. And guess what? I hardly disappointed anyone.

The Importance of Saying No

When you learn the art of saying ‘no,’ you begin to look at the world differently. Rather than seeing all of the things you could or should be doing (and aren’t doing), you start to look at how to say yes to what’s important.

In other words, you aren’t just reacting to what life throws at you. You seek the opportunities that move you to where you want to be.

Successful people aren’t afraid to say no. Oprah Winfrey considered one of the most successful women in the world confessed that it was much later in life when she learned how to say no. Even after she had become internationally famous, she felt she had to say yes to virtually everything. It was only when she realized that after years of struggling with saying no, I finally got to this question: “What do I want?”

Being able to say no also helps you manage your time better.

Advertising

Warren Buffett views no as essential to his success. He said,

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”

When I made ‘no’ a part of my toolbox, I drove more of my own success focusing on fewer things and doing them well.

How We Are Pressured to Say Yes

It’s no wonder a lot of us find it hard to say ‘no.’

From an early age, we are conditioned to say ‘yes.’ We said yes probably hundreds of time in order to graduate from high school and then get into college. We said yes to find work. We said yes get a promotion. We said yes to find love and then yes again to stay in a relationship. We said yes to find and keep friends.

We say yes because it feels better to help someone. We say yes because it can seem like the right thing to do. We say yes because we think that is key to success. And we say yes because the request might come from someone who is hard to resist like the boss.

And that’s not all. The pressure to say yes doesn’t just come from others. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves. At work, we say yes because we compare ourselves to others who seem to be doing more than we are. Outside of work, we say yes because we feel guilty we aren’t doing enough to spend time with family or friends.

The message no matter where we turn is nearly always, “You really could be doing more.” The result? When people ask us for our time, we are heavily conditioned to say yes.

Advertising

How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Deciding to add the word ‘no’ to your toolbox is no small thing. Perhaps you already say ‘no’ but not as much as you would like. Maybe you have an instinct that if you were to learn the art of ‘no’ that you could finally create more time for things you care about. But let’s be honest, using the word ‘no’ doesn’t come easily for many people.

The 3 Rules of Thumbs for Saying No

1. You Need to Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

Let’s face it. It is hard to say no. Setting boundaries around your time especially you haven’t done it much in the past will feel awkward.

2. You Are the Air Traffic Controller of Your Time

Remember that you are the only one who understands the demands for your time. Think about it, who else knows about all of the demands on your time? No one. Only you are at the center of all of these requests. are the only one that understands what time you really have.

3. Saying ‘No’ Means Saying ‘Yes’ to Something That Matters

When we decide not to do something, it means we can say yes to something else. You have a unique opportunity to decide how you spend your precious time.

6 Ways to Start Saying No

Incorporating that little word ‘no’ into your life can be transformational. Turning some things down will mean you can open doors to what really matters. Here are some essential tips to learn the art of no:

1. Check in With Your Obligation Meter

One of the biggest challenges to saying ‘no’ is a feeling of obligation. Do you feel you have a responsibility to say yes and worry that saying no reflect poorly on you?

Ask yourself whether you truly have the duty to say yes. Check your assumptions or beliefs about whether you carry the responsibility to say yes. Turn it around and instead ask what duty you owe to yourself.

2. Resist the Fear of Missing out (FOMO)

Do you have a fear of missing out (FOMO)? FOMO can follow us around in so many ways. At work, we volunteer our time because we fear we won’t move ahead. In our personal lives, we agree to join the crowd because FOMO even while we ourselves aren’t enjoying the fun.

Advertising

Check in with yourself. Are you saying yes because of FOMO or because you really want to say yes? More often than not, running after fear doesn’t make us feel better.

3. Check Your Assumptions About What It Means to Say ‘No’

Do you dread the reaction you will get if you say no? Often, we say ‘yes’ because we worry about how others will respond or the consequences of saying no or because of the consequences. We may be afraid to disappoint others or think we will lose respect from others. We often forget how much we are disappointing ourselves along the way.

Keep in mind that saying ‘no’ can be exactly what is needed to send the right message that you have limited time. In the tips below, you will see how to communicate your no in a gentle and loving way. You might disappoint someone initially but drawing a boundary can bring you the freedom you need so that you can give freely of yourself when you truly want to.

4. When the Request Comes In, Sit on It

Sometimes, when we are in the moment, we instinctively agree. The request might make sense at first. Or we typically have said yes to this request in the past.

Give yourself a little time to reflect on whether you really have the time, or can do the task properly. You may decide the best option is to say ‘no.’ There is no harm in giving yourself the time to decide.

5. Communicate Your ‘No’ with Transparency and Kindness

When you are ready to tell someone no, communicate your decision clearly. The message can be open and honest to ensure the recipient that your reasons have to do with your limited time.

Resist the temptation not to respond or communicate all. But do not feel obligated to provide a lengthy account about why you are saying no.

A clear communication with a short explanation is all that is needed. I have found it useful to tell people that I have many demands and need to be careful with how I allocate my time. I will sometimes say I really appreciate that they came to me and for them to check in again if the opportunity arises another time.

Advertising

6. Consider How to Use a Modified ‘No’

If you are under pressure to say yes but want to say no, you may want to consider downgrading a “yes” to a “yes but…” giving you an opportunity to condition your agreement to what works best for you.

Sometimes, the condition can be to do the task but not in the time frame that was originally requested. Or perhaps you can do part of what has been asked.

Final Thoughts

Beginning right now, you can change how you respond to requests for your time. When the request comes in, take yourself off autopilot where you might normally say yes.

Use the request as a fresh request to draw a healthy boundary around your time. Pay particular attention to when you place certain demands on yourself. If you are the one placing the demand on yourself, try to evaluate the demand as if it were coming from somewhere else.

Try it now. Say no to a friend who continues to take advantage of your goodwill. Or, draw the line with a workaholic colleague and tell them you will complete the project but not by working all weekend. Or, tell someone in your family you can’t loan them money again because they never paid you back the last time. You’ll find yourself much happier.

More Self-Care Tips

Featured photo credit: Chris Ainsworth via unsplash.com

Read Next