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How To Be Likeable By Improving Your Communication Skills

How To Be Likeable By Improving Your Communication Skills

If the thought of conducting a conversation with someone conjures up feelings of anxiety then you’re not alone. Some people seem to have a natural ability to spark up interesting and engaging topics of discussion while you feel you struggle to think of anything or even the right thing to say. Perhaps you’ve started a new job and you find it hard to start or carry on conversations with your new colleagues, maybe you want to strike up casual conversation with people but you find the conversation doesn’t really develop.

The biggest misconception when it comes to good conversation is the idea that we need to keep the conversation going by any means possible. However, it’s all about the quality of the conversation rather than the amount you say.

Awkward conversations happen to all of us but there are ways to improve your communication skills that give you a head start on developing easy interactions with people. Much like any other skill, communication needs to be practised in order to build it up, so with some guidance you can start to strike up those conversations with confidence and show your true likability.

How To Improve Communication Skills

1. Ask The Right Type Of Questions

You’ve probably heard that talking too much and not asking questions is a sure-fire way to deaden a conversation. However, it’s all about asking the right type of questions.

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Questions that require a certain knowledge background, or are too broad or too difficult to answer in short simplified sentences, can leave the other person feeling uncomfortable and unable to answer. This, in turn, can create that conversational ‘dead air’ and can make it hard for the other person to continue the conversation.

Instead, to communicate in a positive way that allows the conversation to develop and grow, the questions should be simple, relatable and applicable. For example, you could ask something simple like “Are you watching any good TV shows these days?” and then explore more topics from the answers they give.

2. Avoid Negative Talk

One way we feel we can bond with others, either individually or in a group, is to speak negatively. For example, your boss is doing something your department doesn’t like so you take the opportunity to voice your negative opinions.

People who are equally fed up with the boss will join in but be aware that not all people will want to speak in such a negative way – it may not be in their nature or they just don’t want to create a negative environment therefore making it hard for them to respond. It may even hamper how some people perceive you.

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While speaking negatively can get things off your chest, make sure you strike a good balance between negative talk and positive. If you’re going to bad-mouth your boss for a decision she’s made, you can go on to say despite this she’s a great boss and you’re sure it’ll work out fine. This will allow you to be more likeable to people because, at the end of the day, no one likes a constant negative talker – it looks bad and doesn’t show your good side.

3. Use Interesting Language

By this I don’t mean you need to know fancy words! However, using plain and somewhat boring words can sometimes be a conversation killer. When describing anything – perhaps somewhere you’ve been or something you’ve done – make sure you don’t use too plain words.

For example, if someone asks about your holiday in Italy, don’t reply with “yes, it was really good!”. As much as it was ‘good’ using more descriptive words like ‘amazing’ or ‘marvellous’ evokes more excitement in the other person and allows them to want to probe further. It indicates that there is more to this story – the person now wants to know why it’s so amazing. ‘Good’ indicates it’s alright and nothing special – and who wants to know more about something that doesn’t sound all that exciting?!

Using more vivid and descriptive words can actually have an added benefit because you are forced to give more descriptions to match the expectations you’ve set up. Practising this will actually help your story-telling abilities in the long term so keep in mind lots of great descriptive words when speaking to people.

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4. Don’t Try To Control The Conversation

The need to control a conversation can be the downfall of many. The workplace can create many discussions – a meeting to talk about new ideas or maybe you’re having a debate with someone who has differing opinions to you.

The problem with trying to control a conversation is that we can get very emotionally invested and it often blinds us to the fact that we’re supposed to be having a two-way conversation. If you’re talking about something you’re passionate about, then don’t get personal with the other person – it’s not a competition or a win-lose situation. Don’t focus too much on the differences but instead find commonalities in both arguments.

Create segways not dead ends. Don’t respond with “I disagree” or “that’s ridiculous” because this shuts down your ability to see their point of view even of you really don’t agree. Instead, say “Well, what about this…” and give alternatives that open up airways for them to start talking.

Respect the other person and don’t make them feel bad about their belief. Doing this makes you come across as much more likeable in the long-run and doesn’t compromise your thoughts and beliefs. We all agree none of us like to feel under-minded especially about something we believe in and by using this tactic the person is more likely to reciprocate the respect.

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5. Demonstrate Empathy

It’s important to think about how we come across to others when we speak. Being sincere, for example, can sometimes come across as being impolite or offensive to someone. Be aware of the way in which others can interpret what you’re saying and by this I mean demonstrate a level of empathy.

Try to be understanding of others’ situations or experiences and take this into account when speaking to someone. People are far more likely to feel a connection to you and form longer and in depth conversations which will go towards developing your communication skills further.

Don’t make the conversation all about you either. It’s very easy to hop on the bandwagon when a particular topic comes up because you’re so excited that you have a topic to talk about. For example, if someone mentions they visited China, don’t immediately rush into a huge story about the time you went to China two years ago.

By doing this, you’ve now dominated their own conversation starter and taken away their chance to talk about what they wanted to say in the first place! Think about the other person when you talk – most of the time the person you talk to will follow suit and this can be the start of a beautiful conversation!

Featured photo credit: unsplash.com via pexels.com

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Jenny Marchal

A passionate writer who loves sharing about positive psychology.

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Last Updated on March 30, 2020

What Does Self-Conscious Mean? (And How to Stop Being It)

What Does Self-Conscious Mean? (And How to Stop Being It)

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like your nerves simply couldn’t handle it? Your heart beats fast, you start to sweat, and you feel like all eyes are on you (even if they’re really not). This is just one of the many ways that being self-conscious can rear its ugly head.

You may not even realize you’re self-conscious, and you may be wondering, “What does self-conscious mean?” That’s a good place to start.

This article will define self-consciousness, show how practically everyone has faced it at one point or another, and give you tips to avoid it.

What Does Self-Conscious Mean?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, self-conscious is defined as “conscious of one’s own acts or states as belonging to or originating in oneself.”[1]

Not so bad, right? There’s another definition, though — one that speaks more to what you’re going through: “feeling uncomfortably conscious of oneself as an object of the observation of others.” For those of us who regularly deal with extreme self-consciousness, that second definition sounds about right.

There are many different ways self-consciousness can spring up. You may feel self-conscious around people you know, like your family members or closest friends. You may feel self-conscious at work, even though you spend hours every week around your co-workers. Or you may feel self-conscious when out in public and surrounded by strangers. However, you probably don’t feel self-conscious when you’re home alone.

How to Stop Being Too Self-Conscious

When you’re in the throes of self-consciousness, it’s nearly impossible to remember how to stop feeling that way. That’s why it’s so important to prepare ahead of time, when you’re feeling ready to tackle the problem instead of succumbing to it.

Here are a variety of ways to feel better about yourself and stop thinking about how others see you.

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1. Ask Yourself, “So What?”

One way to banish negative, self-conscious thoughts is to do just that: banish them.

The next time you walk into a room and feel your face getting red, think to yourself, “So what?” How much does it really matter if people don’t like how you look or act? What’s the worst that could happen?

Most of the time, you’ll find that you don’t have a good answer to this question. Then, you can immediately start assigning such thoughts less importance. With self-awareness, you can acknowledge that your negative thoughts are present and realize that you don’t agree with them.[2] They’re just thoughts, after all.

2. Be Honest

A lie that self-consciousness might tell is that there’s one way to act or feel. Honestly, though, everyone else is just figuring life out as well. There isn’t a preferred way to show up to an event, gathering, or public place. What you can do is be honest with your feelings and thoughts.[3]

If you feel offended by something someone says, you don’t have to smile to be polite or laugh to fit in with the crowd. Instead, you can politely say why you disagree or excuse yourself and find a group of people who you relate to better. If you’re nervous, don’t overcompensate by trying to look relaxed and casual — it’ll be obvious you’re putting on a front. Instead, nothing is more endearing than saying, “I’m a little nervous!” to a room of people who probably feel the exact same way.

On the same note, if you don’t understand why someone wants you to do something, question it. You can do this at work, at home, or even with people you don’t know well. Nobody should force you to do something you don’t want to do.

Also, even if you’re willing to do what’s asked of you, there’s nothing wrong with asking for more clarification. People will realize that you’re not a person to be bossed around.

3. Understand Why You’re Struggling at Work

Being self-conscious at work can get in the way of your daily responsibilities, your relationships with co-workers, and even your career as a whole. If you’re facing some sort of conflict but you’re too nervous to speak up, you may be at the whim of what happens to you instead of taking some control.

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If you’re usually confident at work, you may be wondering where this new self-consciousness is coming from. It’s possible that you’re dealing with burnout.[4] Common signs are anxiety, fatigue and distraction, all of which can leave you feeling under-confident.

4. Succeed at Something

When you create success in your life, it’s easier to feel confident[5] and less self-conscious. If you feel self-conscious at work, finish the project that’s been looming over your head. If you feel self-conscious in the gym, complete an advanced workout class.

Exposing yourself to what you’re scared of and then succeeding at it in some way (even just by finishing it) can do wonders for your self-esteem. The more confidence you build, the more likely you are to have more success in the future, which will create a cycle of confidence-building.

5. Treat All of You — Not Just Your Self-Consciousness

Trying to solve your self-consciousness alone may not treat the root of the problem. Instead, take a well-rounded approach to lower your self-consciousness and build confidence in areas where you may struggle.

Even professional counselors are embracing this holistic type of treatment[6] because they feel that the health of the mind and body are inextricably linked. This approach combines physical, spiritual, and psychological components. Common activities and treatments include meditation, yoga, massage, and healthy changes to diet and exercise.

If much of this is new to you, it will pay to give it a try. You never know how it will impact you.

If you’re feeling self-conscious about how your body looks, a massage that makes you feel great could boost your confidence. If you try a new workout, you could have something exciting to talk about the next time you’re in a group setting.

Putting yourself in a new situation and learning that you can get through it with grace can give you the confidence to get through all sorts of events and nerve-wracking moments.

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6. Make the Changes That Are Within Your Control

Let’s say you walk into a room and you’re self-conscious about how you look. However, you may have put a lot of time and effort into your outfit. Even though it may stand out, this is how you have chosen to express yourself.

You have to work on your internal confidence, not your external appearance. There’s nothing to change other than your outlook.

On the other hand, maybe there’s something that you don’t like about yourself that you can change. For example, maybe you hate how a birthmark on your face looks or have varicose veins that you think are unsightly. If you can do something about these things, do it! There’s nothing wrong with changing your appearance (or skills, education, etc.) if it’s going to make you more confident.

You don’t have to accept your current situation for acceptance’s sake. There’s no award for putting up with something you hate. Confidence is also required to make changes that are scary, even if they’re for the better. Plus, it may be an easier fix than you thought. For example, treating varicose veins doesn’t have to involve surgery — sometimes simple compression stockings will take care of the problem.[7]

7. Realize That Everyone Has Awkward Moments

Everyone has said something awkward to someone else and lived to tell the tale. We’ve all forgotten somebody’s name or said, “You too!” when the concession stand girl says to enjoy our movie. Not only are these things uber-common, but they’re not nearly as embarrassing as you feel they are.

Think about how you react when someone else does something awkward. Do you think, “Wow, that person’s such a loser!” or do you think, “What a relief, I’m not the only one who does that.” Chances are good that’s the same reaction others have to you when you stumble.

Remember, self-consciousness is a state of mind that you have control over. You don’t have to feel this way. Do what you need to in order to build your confidence, put your self-consciousness in perspective, and start exercising your “I feel awesome about myself” muscle. It’ll get easier with time.

When Is Being Self-Conscious a Good Thing?

Self-consciousness can sometimes be a good thing[8], but you have to take the awkwardness and nerves out of it.

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In this case, “self-aware” is a much better term. Knowing how you come off to people is an excellent trait; you’ll be able to read a room and understand how what you do and say affects others. These are fantastic skills for people work and personal relationships.

Self-awareness helps you dress appropriately for the occasion, tells you that you’re talking too loud or not loud enough, and guides a conversation so you don’t offend or bore anyone.

It’s not about being someone you’re not — that can actually have adverse effects, just like self-consciousness. Instead, it’s about turning up certain aspects of yourself to perform well in the situation.

Final Thoughts

When you’re self-conscious, you’re constantly battling with yourself in an effort to control how other people view you. You try to change yourself to suit what you think other people want to see.

The truth, though, is that you can’t actually control how other people view you — and you may not even be correct about how they view you in the first place.

Being confident doesn’t happen overnight. Instead, it happens in small steps as you slowly build your confidence and say “no” to your self-consciousness. It also requires accepting that you’re going to feel self-conscious sometimes, and that’s okay.

Sometimes worrying that there is a problem can be more stressful than the problem itself. Feeling bad for feeling self-conscious can be more troublesome than simply feeling it and getting on with the day.

Forgive yourself for being human and make the small changes that will lead to better confidence in the future.

More Tips for Improving Your Self-Esteem

Featured photo credit: Cata via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Merriam-Webster: Self-conscious
[2] Bustle: 7 Tips On How To Stop Feeling Self-Conscious
[3] Marc and Angel: 10 Things to Remember When You Feel Unsure of Yourself
[4] Bostitch: How to Protect Small Businesses From Burnout
[5] Psychology Today: Self-conscious? Get Over It
[6] Wake Forest University: Embracing Holistic Medicine
[7] Center for Vein Restoration: What Causes Venous Ulcers, and How Are They Treated?
[8] Scientific American: The Pros and Cons of Being Self-Aware

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