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Psychologist Finds The 3 Elements That Determine Our Happiness

Psychologist Finds The 3 Elements That Determine Our Happiness

Modern culture is full of ‘fool’s gold’; there are so many shiny promises to distract us and make hollow promises of success and satisfaction. However, the reality is more often than not quite the opposite. The mass media tells us that if we are rich, if we have a nice house filled with things, a nice car, if we are thin, eternally young, dressed expensively, made up flawlessly; that these things are what will make us happy and accomplished.

Psychologists have established that there are three main things that contribute to a person’s happiness and well being. These are the basic principles of a concept known as ‘self determination theory’. This theory exemplifies the difference between having intrinsic versus extrinsic goals that lead to your eventual happiness. Aiming for material wealth, unattainable youth and other people’s approval (extrinsic goals) is misleading and ultimately shallow, leaving you dissatisfied. Focusing instead on virtues you can embody beyond the material; those that allude to your character, emotional maturity and altruism (intrinsic goals) give you the tools to experience a more rich and meaningful life.

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The three principles of self determination theory are as follows:

1. Autonomy

Research quoted in Business Insider Australia suggests that intrinsic goals, our internal desires and qualities are what need to be nurtured in order for happiness to be manifested and made permanent in our lives.

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“The results: The folks who realised (sic) their intrinsic goals had high levels of happiness, but the people who attained their extrinsic goals didn’t have an improvement in their subjective well-being. The authors theorize that they might feel momentarily satisfied after reaching such a goal, but it doesn’t last.” Drake Baer, Why Chasing ‘Extrinsic Goals’ Can Wreck Your Happiness, Business Insider Australia.

Aiming for instant gratification over long term goals, not only sets people up for failure, it exhausts their efforts and robs them of their desire and motivation to seek happiness. They settle for being miserable instead.

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When you feel like a person who is in charge of their own life; who can make autonomous decisions and has the freedom and independence to be your most authentic self, your path to happiness is mapped out. People who feel that they have a voice and a presence, who are not bound or restricted by convention or others’ expectations are simply happier.

2. Competence

We are born with certain traits and abilities that can determine what some people call our ‘destiny’. However we all want opportunity. Equal access to education, to free movement, to employment, to basic human needs like shelter, food, water and safety. Happiness is determined by how freely we can acquire not only survival skills, but competence and being accomplished at skills that we not only need to survive, but also desire. Skills that allow us to express ourselves intellectually, artistically, politically and comically. Learning new things increases happiness.

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3. Relatedness

The way we interact with others in our lives is the most important factor to our happiness. Without realizing it, most people have relationships purely out of obligation. It is only the strongest people who truly experience pure connections with like minded people. If you conquer the first two traits and are self determined and evolved, you start to identify the toxic people in your life and you make changes. The more your intrinsic goals are achieved, the more naturally and easily you shed the people who are holding you back in your life. The ones who rob you of your happiness. We often feel obligated to family, relatives, old friends, work colleagues; people who we don’t necessarily choose to be in our lives, but who are there simply by chance. True happiness is achieved when you develop the maturity to understand that you have the right to determine the people who are worthy of you and who deserve a place in your life.

Featured photo credit: viralnovelty.net via viralnovelty.net

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Diane Koopman

Writer, Author, Novelist, Self-Publisher

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Last Updated on January 18, 2019

7 Ways To Deal With Negative People

7 Ways To Deal With Negative People

Some people will have a rain cloud hanging over them, no matter what the weather is outside. Their negative attitude is toxic to your own moods, and you probably feel like there is little you can do about it.

But that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

If you want to effectively deal with negative people and be a champion of positivity, then your best route is to take definite action through some of the steps below.

1. Limit the time you spend with them.

First, let’s get this out of the way. You can be more positive than a cartoon sponge, but even your enthusiasm has a chance of being afflicted by the constant negativity of a friend.

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In fact, negativity has been proven to damage your health physically, making you vulnerable to high levels of stress and even cardiac disease. There’s no reason to get hurt because of someone else’s bad mood.

Though this may be a little tricky depending on your situation, working to spend slightly less time around negative people will keep your own spirits from slipping as well.

2. Speak up for yourself.

Don’t just absorb the comments that you are being bombarded with, especially if they are about you. It’s wise to be quick to listen and slow to speak, but being too quiet can give the person the impression that you are accepting what’s being said.

3. Don’t pretend that their behavior is “OK.”

This is an easy trap to fall into. Point out to the person that their constant negativity isn’t a good thing. We don’t want to do this because it’s far easier to let someone sit in their woes, and we’d rather just stay out of it.

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But if you want the best for this person, avoid giving the false impression that their negativity is normal.

4. Don’t make their problems your problems.

Though I consider empathy a gift, it can be a dangerous thing. When we hear the complaints of a friend or family member, we typically start to take on their burdens with them.

This is a bad habit to get into, especially if this is a person who is almost exclusively negative. These types of people are prone to embellishing and altering a story in order to gain sympathy.

Why else would they be sharing this with you?

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5. Change the subject.

When you suspect that a conversation is starting to take a turn for the negative, be a champion of positivity by changing the subject. Of course, you have to do this without ignoring what the other person said.

Acknowledge their comment, but move the conversation forward before the euphoric pleasure gained from complaining takes hold of either of you.

6. Talk about solutions, not problems.

Sometimes, changing the subject isn’t an option if you want to deal with negative people, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be positive.

I know that when someone begins dumping complaints on me, I have a hard time knowing exactly what to say. The key is to measure your responses as solution-based.

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You can do this by asking questions like, “Well, how could this be resolved?” or, “How do you think they feel about it?”

Use discernment to find an appropriate response that will help your friend manage their perspectives.

7. Leave them behind.

Sadly, there are times when we have to move on without these friends, especially if you have exhausted your best efforts toward building a positive relationship.

If this person is a family member, you can still have a functioning relationship with them, of course, but you may still have to limit the influence they have over your wellbeing.

That being said, what are some steps you’ve taken to deal with negative people? Let us know in the comments.

You may also want to read: How to Stop the Negative Spin of Thoughts, Emotions and Actions.

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