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3 Ways To Maintain A Marriage After 30 Years

3 Ways To Maintain A Marriage After 30 Years

It’s soon summer and the wedding seasons will be blooming. Happy couples will walk down the aisle for a commitment of a lifetime, proclaiming their vows and making promises that they will try to uphold. It’s a beautiful moment that brings people together from far away for a ceremony that is beautiful and breathtaking. Among the colorful bridesmaids and the happy new couple, you will notice a pair of old smiles in the crowd.

This is the one couple who have been holding their vows since day one, from the day they turned 30 till the day they turned 60. Some might say “happily ever after” is just a fairytale, but these couples are the ones to prove that marriage can withstand any hurricane with the right mindset and the right character.

Here are a few tips to help keep your marriage going strong as you grow old together.

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Old Couple

    1. Communicate your feelings

    Waking up every single day with the same person by your side, it takes effort to still fall in love with the same bad breath, the same small eyes, and the same quirky smile. It takes effort to continuously greet each other at the end of a tiring day and to juggle love, children, and careers together. Sometimes, it takes a ton of effort to be on each other’s side when times get rough.

    Communication, speaking about your feelings, and expressing your emotions is important. Good or bad, explaining and expressing yourself allows your better half to understand you better. This open communication, which may become hidden due to social media and society’s expectations, has been key for all the old adorable couples you watch in the park.

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      2. Ensure the importance of alone time

      Before marriage, you are your own individual. You have your own circle of friends and family, career, and hobbies where your significant other wouldn’t necessarily be present. You meet your special person every now and then and speak about how your day was and what you did. Your conversations are always interesting and entertaining.

      This concept of alone time doesn’t have to be thrown out the window the moment you take up the vow of togetherness. Many couples that have been together for years know almost everything about each other. They become one person. So, having just that 10% of individuality and alone time allows one to still retain their own personality. If you’re assuming that marriage means a chain to your better half’s leg, then you should change your perspective — real life still isn’t Cinderella.

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        3. Avoid being addicted to something

        Marriage can sometimes cause you to crave a new personality. This emotion is a slippery slope. Online gambling is one of the favorite second personalities that many couples in the UK take up. This has proven to be one of the biggest reasons why new marriages breaking apart.

        If ever this situation occurs, talk to your family members and your therapist. They will help you reflect upon yourself and allow you to avoid that slippery slope. This care from your family and others that contributes to your everyday smile is a huge gamble to lose. You should always have a therapist or a trusted advisor on speed dial to help you avoid being caught in a bad situation with no one to turn to.

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        Remember that being married to a person means more than just a happy ending. It means you’ve got to put up with their laziness and they have to put up with your annoyances. However, it also means that you get to bring out and see the best in yourselves and in each other.

        Featured photo credit: Shenkeri Chandramohan via facebook.com

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        Last Updated on August 6, 2020

        6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

        6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

        We’ve all done it. That moment when a series of words slithers from your mouth and the instant regret manifests through blushing and profuse apologies. If you could just think before you speak! It doesn’t have to be like this, and with a bit of practice, it’s actually quite easy to prevent.

        “Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napolean Hill

        Are we speaking the same language?

        My mum recently left me a note thanking me for looking after her dog. She’d signed it with “LOL.” In my world, this means “laugh out loud,” and in her world it means “lots of love.” My kids tell me things are “sick” when they’re good, and ”manck” when they’re bad (when I say “bad,” I don’t mean good!). It’s amazing that we manage to communicate at all.

        When speaking, we tend to color our language with words and phrases that have become personal to us, things we’ve picked up from our friends, families and even memes from the internet. These colloquialisms become normal, and we expect the listener (or reader) to understand “what we mean.” If you really want the listener to understand your meaning, try to use words and phrases that they might use.

        Am I being lazy?

        When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, a strange metamorphosis takes place. People tend to become lazier in the way that they communicate with each other, with less thought for the feelings of their partner. There’s no malice intended; we just reach a “comfort zone” and know that our partners “know what we mean.”

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        Here’s an exchange from Psychology Today to demonstrate what I mean:

        Early in the relationship:

        “Honey, I don’t want you to take this wrong, but I’m noticing that your hair is getting a little thin on top. I know guys are sensitive about losing their hair, but I don’t want someone else to embarrass you without your expecting it.”

        When the relationship is established:

        “Did you know that you’re losing a lot of hair on the back of your head? You’re combing it funny and it doesn’t help. Wear a baseball cap or something if you feel weird about it. Lots of guys get thin on top. It’s no big deal.”

        It’s pretty clear which of these statements is more empathetic and more likely to be received well. Recognizing when we do this can be tricky, but with a little practice it becomes easy.

        Have I actually got anything to say?

        When I was a kid, my gran used to say to me that if I didn’t have anything good to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. My gran couldn’t stand gossip, so this makes total sense, but you can take this statement a little further and modify it: “If you don’t have anything to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

        A lot of the time, people speak to fill “uncomfortable silences,” or because they believe that saying something, anything, is better than staying quiet. It can even be a cause of anxiety for some people.

        When somebody else is speaking, listen. Don’t wait to speak. Listen. Actually hear what that person is saying, think about it, and respond if necessary.

        Am I painting an accurate picture?

        One of the most common forms of miscommunication is the lack of a “referential index,” a type of generalization that fails to refer to specific nouns. As an example, look at these two simple phrases: “Can you pass me that?” and “Pass me that thing over there!”. How often have you said something similar?

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        How is the listener supposed to know what you mean? The person that you’re talking to will start to fill in the gaps with something that may very well be completely different to what you mean. You’re thinking “pass me the salt,” but you get passed the pepper. This can be infuriating for the listener, and more importantly, can create a lack of understanding and ultimately produce conflict.

        Before you speak, try to label people, places and objects in a way that it is easy for any listeners to understand.

        What words am I using?

        It’s well known that our use of nouns and verbs (or lack of them) gives an insight into where we grew up, our education, our thoughts and our feelings.

        Less well known is that the use of pronouns offers a critical insight into how we emotionally code our sentences. James Pennebaker’s research in the 1990’s concluded that function words are important keys to someone’s psychological state and reveal much more than content words do.

        Starting a sentence with “I think…” demonstrates self-focus rather than empathy with the speaker, whereas asking the speaker to elaborate or quantify what they’re saying clearly shows that you’re listening and have respect even if you disagree.

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        Is the map really the territory?

        Before speaking, we sometimes construct a scenario that makes us act in a way that isn’t necessarily reflective of the actual situation.

        A while ago, John promised to help me out in a big way with a project that I was working on. After an initial meeting and some big promises, we put together a plan and set off on its execution. A week or so went by, and I tried to get a hold of John to see how things were going. After voice mails and emails with no reply and general silence, I tried again a week later and still got no response.

        I was frustrated and started to get more than a bit vexed. The project obviously meant more to me than it did to him, and I started to construct all manner of crazy scenarios. I finally got through to John and immediately started a mild rant about making promises you can’t keep. He stopped me in my tracks with the news that his brother had died. If I’d have just thought before I spoke…

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