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3 Ways To Maintain A Marriage After 30 Years

3 Ways To Maintain A Marriage After 30 Years

It’s soon summer and the wedding seasons will be blooming. Happy couples will walk down the aisle for a commitment of a lifetime, proclaiming their vows and making promises that they will try to uphold. It’s a beautiful moment that brings people together from far away for a ceremony that is beautiful and breathtaking. Among the colorful bridesmaids and the happy new couple, you will notice a pair of old smiles in the crowd.

This is the one couple who have been holding their vows since day one, from the day they turned 30 till the day they turned 60. Some might say “happily ever after” is just a fairytale, but these couples are the ones to prove that marriage can withstand any hurricane with the right mindset and the right character.

Here are a few tips to help keep your marriage going strong as you grow old together.

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Old Couple

    1. Communicate your feelings

    Waking up every single day with the same person by your side, it takes effort to still fall in love with the same bad breath, the same small eyes, and the same quirky smile. It takes effort to continuously greet each other at the end of a tiring day and to juggle love, children, and careers together. Sometimes, it takes a ton of effort to be on each other’s side when times get rough.

    Communication, speaking about your feelings, and expressing your emotions is important. Good or bad, explaining and expressing yourself allows your better half to understand you better. This open communication, which may become hidden due to social media and society’s expectations, has been key for all the old adorable couples you watch in the park.

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      2. Ensure the importance of alone time

      Before marriage, you are your own individual. You have your own circle of friends and family, career, and hobbies where your significant other wouldn’t necessarily be present. You meet your special person every now and then and speak about how your day was and what you did. Your conversations are always interesting and entertaining.

      This concept of alone time doesn’t have to be thrown out the window the moment you take up the vow of togetherness. Many couples that have been together for years know almost everything about each other. They become one person. So, having just that 10% of individuality and alone time allows one to still retain their own personality. If you’re assuming that marriage means a chain to your better half’s leg, then you should change your perspective — real life still isn’t Cinderella.

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        3. Avoid being addicted to something

        Marriage can sometimes cause you to crave a new personality. This emotion is a slippery slope. Online gambling is one of the favorite second personalities that many couples in the UK take up. This has proven to be one of the biggest reasons why new marriages breaking apart.

        If ever this situation occurs, talk to your family members and your therapist. They will help you reflect upon yourself and allow you to avoid that slippery slope. This care from your family and others that contributes to your everyday smile is a huge gamble to lose. You should always have a therapist or a trusted advisor on speed dial to help you avoid being caught in a bad situation with no one to turn to.

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        Remember that being married to a person means more than just a happy ending. It means you’ve got to put up with their laziness and they have to put up with your annoyances. However, it also means that you get to bring out and see the best in yourselves and in each other.

        Featured photo credit: Shenkeri Chandramohan via facebook.com

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        Last Updated on May 21, 2019

        How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

        How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

        For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

        If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

        Example 1

        You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

        You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

        In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

        Example 2

        You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

        People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

        You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

        Example 3

        You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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        The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

        Example 4

        You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

        Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

        If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

        Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

        • Understand your own communication style
        • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
        • Communicate with precision and care
        • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

        1. Understand Your Communication Style

        To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

        In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

        Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

        2. Learn Others Communication Styles

        Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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        If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

        “How do you prefer to receive information?”

        This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

        To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

        3. Exercise Precision and Care

        A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

        On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

        Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

        I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

        I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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        In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

        The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

        Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

        4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

        Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

        In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

        “Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

        Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

        Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

        It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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        It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

        It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

        Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

        Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

        The Bottom Line

        When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

        I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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        Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

        Reference

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