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Why letting go of your “Big Love” is okay.

Why letting go of your “Big Love” is okay.

So you ended things with that one person you loved more than life itself? It’s okay. You thought you two were going to be together forever? It’s okay. You were loving the fact that you were never going to have to live through another awful first date? We promise you, it is okay.

There are people out there who meet their true love at an extremely young age (high school sweethearts. How cute, right?). However, there are also those who have to kiss quite a few frogs before they are willing to settle down with someone til’ death do them part. Below you will find several reasons as to why it is completely okay that you did not end up with your Big Love, may they be your first or your seventh.

You’re probably not the same person you were when you got together

You will not remain the same person you are now throughout the duration of your life. You and your significant other are going to change tremendously. Especially during the age of adolescence and young adulthood. The idea of ending up with your high school sweetheart is extremely romanticized; while that possibility is beautiful for those that can accomplish it, it is most certainly not for everyone.

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High School and College are the times in your life when you are really figuring out who you are and what you want to accomplish for yourself. If it turns out that you two are becoming less compatible or heading in different directions, it is completely okay to say goodbye. You take what you learned from that relationship, utilize the good and discard the bad.

If the relationship is not benefiting you, you need to let it go

I wish I had a dollar for every time I have thought this, and spoken it out loud. Relationships are work, yes, I get that; but relationships are also meant to be your breath of fresh air in the craziness that is life. When you’re having an awful day at work or your best friend is driving you bonkers, your significant other is supposed to be the person that is there to give you a hug a.

They are not meant to add additional stress to your already stressful life. They are supposed to be the ones who make you laugh when you’re pissed off and who will take the weight off your shoulders by helping out around the house when you just can’t handle it that day. When all else fails, your significant other is supposed to be your salvation, not an additional burden.

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Nothing irks me more than when I hear someone say “We’ve been together so long, I have to make it work.” No. You don’t. When you’re married or have kids, that’s a different story. But when you’re young and unencumbered by that legal tie, you are free to do whatever the hell you want. Spend that time being happy, not constantly being dragged down by someone who supposedly loves you.

They are all about themselves

Compromise. Give and take. There are a million ways to say it, but the meaning is the same. If you are in a relationship (or friendship, for that matter) where the person only cares about themselves and their needs, run. Run fast. If they are all about themselves now, imagine how they’ll be when shit hits the fan and you have a mortgage, two cars, three babies, and a golden retriever that all depend on you.

In a successful relationship there will be times when they are the focus, there will be times when you are the focus, and there will be times when the focus is split evenly. There is a delicate ebb and flow to relationships that are supposed to benefit both sides. You are each others rock, but one person can only remain the rock for so long before the weight ultimately ends up crushing you; rendering you useless to them and to yourself.

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Someone different, and probably better, is waiting for you

Seriously. I promise. Don’t ever stay with someone simply because you don’t think anyone else would want you. Or, say it was they who made the decision that you were no longer the right person for them; grieve, and then move on. Even if it feels like they were the best thing that would ever happen to you and you will never find anyone better; you will. End of story.

That seems so impossible, I know, but it’s the truth. Take as long as you need. Sit in your pajamas and watch Sex and the City on repeat and blast some Taylor Swift for as long as you need to before you can realize your worth and emerge from this break up better off then you ever thought possible.

And last but not least;

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You are allowed more than one Big Love

Isn’t that amazing? You are more than welcome to have as many Big Loves as it takes for you to find the perfect one; as I like to call it, your Soulmate. Big Loves are rare, beautiful, and have an incredible impact on who a person eventually becomes. But nowhere in the manual of life does it say that every person only gets one Big Love.

In a society where people are living to be over 100 years old, it would be soul-crushing to believe that you only get one shot. So go out there, live, love, and say goodbye when you need to. Life is simultaneously too long and too short to spend it with anyone who doesn’t bring the best out of you, and love you in as Big of a way as you love them.

Featured photo credit: gratisography via gratisography.com

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

Reference

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