“There are many reasons not to make an abusive relationship public, mostly fear. Scared of what people will think, scared it makes me look weak or unprofessional.”
Comedian Beth Stelling’s candid and powerful Instagram post about her past abusive relationship went viral over the internet causing outpourings of love and support from the sympathetic public. She had posted a collage made of 3 images of bruises on her legs and forearm, and a fourth image of herself performing on stage.
“So these photos are an uncommon thing to share but not an uncommon issue. You may be weirded out but do read on. I have a point.” She states as she starts to reveal more on the abusive relationship she broke away from. “When I broke up with my ex this summer, it wasn’t because I didn’t love him, it was because of this.”Advertising
Why do People Stay in Abusive Relationships?
Beth Stelling writes about how difficult she found it to actually end the relationship. “It’s embarrassing. I feel stupid. After being verbally, physically abused and raped, I dated him for two more months. It’s not simple.”
“And I absolutely relapsed and contacted him with things I shouldn’t have, but there are no “best practices” with this.”
Beth’s revelations have helped many to recognize and acknowledge their own tragic situations. When you are encounter violence in a relationship, especially for the first time, it can be very bewildering. The abuser can make you feel the violence is your fault. He will tell you that you asked for it… forced him to do it. The victim takes on the guilt and responsibility, ‘it could have been avoided if I didn’t…’.Advertising
However confused he may make you feel, it is important to remember that his violent behaviour is never your fault. How much ever a person is influenced by another, he is responsible for the actions he chooses to make. No one, but himself is at fault.
In abusive relationships, after violent incidents, it’s common for both partners involved to try and make excuses for their behavior. The violent partner apologizes, or promises to change. Life may settle back into a calmer feel, but generally this respite is short lived. It is commonly observed that if a person is violent once, they are much more likely to repeat the violent acts again.
The Courage to Stand Up for Yourself
Beth continues on in her Instagram post on why she decided to write her story. “I wanted to move on and forget because I didn’t understand. I don’t want revenge or to hurt him now, but it’s unhealthy to keep this inside because my stand-up is pulled directly from my life. It’s how I make my living. My personal is my professional. That is how I’ve always been; I make dark funny.”
“If you live in L.A., you’ve already started to hear my jokes about this and I ask you to have the courage to listen and accept it because I’m trying. Already since talking about this onstage, many women have come to me after shows asking me to keep doing it. Men have shown their solidarity.”
If you have never been abused, you will probably wonder people don’t just leave. However unhealthy a relationship may seem, breaking it up most often creates a host of complications for the victim. Fearing for your own safety, worrying how your partner will manage without you or agonizing they may harm themselves are a few common reasons. Some may be tolerating it for the sake of their children and for many, the problem is that are financially dependent on the abuser.Advertising
Everyone deserves to feel loved and safe. You don’t have to stay in an abusive relationship. There are ways out of this cycle of domestic violence. Leaving is not the only option. When you stand up to a bully, you may find that he backs down. You can work on building a financial nest and a strong social support system. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help, you will find many people to help you every step of the way.
Shocking Domestic Violence Statistics
Abusive relationships and domestic disputes can easily turn violent and criminal. Here are some shocking facts:
- Men who were exposed to domestic violence as children are 4 times more likely to commit domestic violence as adults, than other men.
- On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good.
- About 75% of the victims of the domestic violence homicides, were murdered as they tried to leave their partner or after the relationship had ended.
- On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or partners in this country every day.
- About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence.
- Battering is the single major cause of injury to women, exceeding rapes, muggings and auto accidents combined.
Featured photo credit: http://www.hukukihaber.net/ via hukukihaber.net
Last Updated on April 19, 2021
How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)
We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.
Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.
Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.
Table of Contents
Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.
Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger
Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:
This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.
Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.
This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.
Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.
An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.
Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.
Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.
Healthy Ways to Express Anger
What about the healthy ways to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.
Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.
Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.
Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.
Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.
Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.
When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.
Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.
Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.
How to Deal With Anger
If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?
1. Slow Down
From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.
In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.
When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.
2. Focus on the “I”
Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”
When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.
3. Work out
When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.
Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.
Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.
If you’re not sure where to start with an exercise routine, check out Lifehack’s free Simple Cardio Home Workout Plan.
4. Seek Help When Needed
There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.
5. Practice Relaxation
We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.
That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.
Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.
Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.
7. Be Grateful
It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.
Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.
Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go or motivated. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.
During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.
Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.
More Resources on Anger Management
- 10 Anger Management Lessons No One Should Miss
- 20 Things to Do When You Feel Extremely Angry
- How To Let Go Of Anger When You Just Can’t Stop Thinking About It
- 20 Effective Ways to Control a Bad Temper
Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com
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