Advertising
Advertising

Why You Should Never Get Into Marriage Just Because You Feel Stuck

Why You Should Never Get Into Marriage Just Because You Feel Stuck

For many couples, they reach a point in their relationship when things seem to be ending and beginning all at the same time. It may seem like they’re turning a corner and embarking on a new phase of the relationship. It may be that they have been together for a long time and things have been going well, but something feels like it should change.

It’s only natural that two individuals who are in an intimate relationship together, both with their own needs and aspirations, make decisions in life that will affect their partner. Everyone is on their own journey, but when you are in a committed relationship, that journey starts to intersect and life choices are made in synchronicity with that significant other.

Advertising

Often, the pressure to define a relationship or reach particular milestones comes from outside the relationship. The two people in the relationship are often happy letting their union evolve naturally. Whether that means traveling, moving in together, buying property, or starting a family, these things often unfold organically between a couple who are truly in love. For some, marriage seems like the logical next step, especially when people start asking about it.

Pressure from family

Marriage is a tradition. The expectation to settle down with a partner often comes from both parties’ immediate families; namely, their parents. It’s only natural that parents want to see their children happy and secure, particularly in their intimate relationships, but the reality is that security and happiness isn’t the automatic result of getting married. Sometimes, it’s quite the contrary. The decision to get married is nobody’s business but the people in the relationship.

Advertising

Financial security

When a couple has been together for some time, they share their entire lives. Eventually cohabiting becomes inevitable and these days couples live together whether or not marriage is in the cards. The easiest thing to do sometimes is to combine assets and income in order for both parties to benefit and to create a financially secure household — but this isn’t necessary. Two financially independent and self reliant individuals can still support one another while at the same time maintaining some semblance of autonomy over their own earnings and their financial future. Marriage doesn’t always provide financial security. In fact, it can put a drain on finances. Getting married is expensive, and putting your money together doesn’t work for everyone.

Assurance of commitment

Mainstream ideas and commercial coercion can force us to feel that unless we participate in the institution of marriage, we are somehow not committed in our relationships or our union does not have legitimacy. Sometimes, couples who are perhaps struggling to feel satisfied or are feeling like they are stuck in a rut in their relationship may be persuaded to believe that marriage will solve all their problems. Unfortunately, this is far from true.

Advertising

If there are issues with a partner, if boredom has set in, if a couple is no longer excited to be together, if they are constantly arguing and rarely see eye to eye, if their life decisions seem to be pulling them in different directions, embarking on marriage is not going to repair the underlying issues. You don’t need a ring on your finger and a big party to cement the loyalty and devotion of another person. No amount of ceremony and spectacle will compensate for the hard work, the desire, and the compatibility and connection between two people. If you get married to fix your problems, you are just buying a very expensive bandaid.

Marriage as a milestone

The inevitability of marriage is something that has gained momentum in recent times and is something different to what it was traditionally.

Advertising

Traditionally, marriage was a contract between a man and a father — that’s right! It was a sale, an agreement between two families. In some places, not much has changed. A man handed over his daughter to another man as though it was a commercial transaction.

These days, people balk at that idea because women certainly don’t want to view themselves as a commodity. Marriage instead is viewed as a rite of passage. A desired milestone that everyone grows up to reach. A big party with lots of lovely photos and champagne and cake. Marriage is marketed as something every little girl and every woman desires because it’s the opportunity to be queen for a day. This sometimes clouds the reality of what marriage means and what it requires for it to be successful. The truth is marriage is somewhat archaic and unnecessary. For two people to live happily ever after, all that is necessary is for those people to choose to be together.

Featured photo credit: themes.com via 7-themes.com

More by this author

Diane Koopman

Writer, Author, Novelist, Self-Publisher

Why Instant Gratification Holds You Back from Achieving What You Want 10 Scientifically Proven Health Benefits of Taking a Bath 20 Dalai Lama Quotes To Change The Way You Think Small Things Parents Can Do to Effectively Reduce Sibling Jealousy Learning These 10 Tricks Can Help You Overcome Frustration in Communication

Trending in Communication

1 How to Live a Stress Free Life in a Way Most People Don’t 2 Midlife Crisis in Men: The Definitive Survival Guide 3 30 Powerful Success and Failure Quotes That Will Lead You to Success 4 How to Stop Being a Perfectionist (Step-by-Step Guide) 5 You Can Change Your Life NOW: 5 Strategies to Start Living Your Best Life

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on September 30, 2020

How to Live a Stress Free Life in a Way Most People Don’t

How to Live a Stress Free Life in a Way Most People Don’t

Learning how to live a stress free life may seem impossible, but the truth is that there are specific things you can do to begin eliminating sources of stress.

No, it doesn’t look like a made-for-television movie. No, it doesn’t look like something only people with extra time and money can do. It looks like your life—but without any self-created stress triggers.

Here are 11 ways to help you live a stress-free life:

1. Stop Overanalyzing Situations That Haven’t Happened

The first step to living a stress-free life is to stop overanalyzing imaginary scenarios. It’s easy to spend time in the world of worst-case scenarios. People tend to cultivate this world for one of two reasons.

First, because if you know what the worst-case scenario is, then it won’t surprise you when it happens. Second, if you know what the worst-case scenario is, then you can do everything in your power to control the universe so the worst case never happens.

If that’s really the world you want to cultivate, then become a professional risk assessor. If not, then ask yourself how you are benefiting from continuing to live that way.

Does it make you feel better about yourself and your life? Does it make you want to leap out of bed in the morning, eager to embrace the worst-case scenario? Does it bring you joy or fulfillment?

If your answer to these three questions is no, then stop living in the future and bring yourself back into the present.

2. Don’t Take on Other People’s Problems

The whole advantage of other people having problems is that they aren’t your problems. When you frequently take on other people’s problems, you get into the habit of enabling.

Let’s get crystal clear about the definition of enabling: enabling is the art of continuing to take responsibility for other people, thereby disallowing their personal responsibility[1].

It is of no service to other people to take on their problems because they can’t/won’t/don’t know how to fix the problem.

Advertising

It is of service to empower others to take responsibility for themselves and their lives, to encourage, teach, and motivate others to address their own problems. So stop enabling, and start empowering.

3. Get Present in the Moment

Being present in the moment involves being in your body and feeling your feelings—two things that lots of folks actually don’t know how to do.

Ask yourself these two questions: What does fear feel like in your body? What are you afraid of?

If you don’t know the answer to these questions, you probably aren’t present in the moment. Being present involves vulnerability, humility, and openness[2].

How to live a stress free life by being present

    The past and the future stop being so relevant and intriguing when you’re able to get in your body and feel your feelings. When you can do these two things, you actually want to be in the present moment.

    To get started, close your eyes, focus on your breathing, and watch your stress levels drop. Then, try these tips: How to Live in the Moment and Stop Worrying.

    4. Focus on What You Have, Not What You Don’t

    The easiest way to stop focusing on what you don’t have is by not watching TV commercials. Marketing teaches us to focus on what we don’t have, and advertising campaigns spend millions of dollars convincing us that we must have what we don’t yet have.

    Can you think of a marketing campaign that teaches you to enjoy what you already have without buying something to enhance it? Odds are you can’t.

    In a world dictated by Super Bowl commercials and Facebook ads, it takes stalwart focus to recognize what you have more than what you don’t. If you want a stress-free life now, get stalwart, and stop letting other people dictate your focus.

    In order to do this, try cultivating a gratitude practice to help refocus your mind toward what is good in your life. You can get started with this guide.

    Advertising

    5. Stop Surrounding Yourself With People Who Don’t Make You Happy

    Honestly, what kind of people do you really like to be around with? People who get you, who see you clearly, who accept your flaws and all; people you can be yourself with; people who have shared interests?

    How many of those people are in your life? What characteristics do all of the other people in your life have?

    If you find that the people in your life aren’t adding anything positive, it may be time to make some changes. If you find that other relationships you have are downright toxic, start working to cut out those relationships immediately.

    6. Find a Job That Makes You Feel Good

    You don’t have to stay at a job just because it pays the bills. Most people spend more time working than sleeping. The average person spends 40 to 80 hours a week—or 2,000 to 4,000 hours a year—working. That is a significant investment!

    If your best friend or child told you that they were going to spend 4,000 hours giving their emotional, mental, and physical energy to something (or someone) that wasn’t going to value them, give anything back to them, or pay them what they were worth, what advice would you offer? Give that same advice to yourself. You won’t be stress-free unless you don’t learn this[3].

    Here’re 11 Signs That You Should Leave Your Job.

    7. Only Take on What You Can Handle

    Busyness is an addiction. Slowing down can actually be terrifying because it causes you to notice that you have feelings that you now have time to feel.

    I get it.

    By the time I slowed down, I had decades of busyness under my belt. I went into a tailspin depression because I didn’t understand how to be in the right relationship with my own emotions.

    When I finally figured out that feelings are just feelings and allowing them to express themselves is healthy and natural, I stopped experiencing withdrawal from my addiction to busyness and started figuring out the pace of life that felt best for me.

    Remarkably, I discovered that I don’t actually like being busy. What will you discover about yourself?

    Advertising

    8. Let Go of Grudges and Anger

    For me, it took 20 years of adulthood to figure out that holding on to grudges and anger only hurt me. Lucky for you, though, you can benefit vicariously from my experience just by reading one short paragraph!

    No one is holding your feet to the fire, demanding that you hold on to grudges and anger. The energy of anger slowly eats away at your body, mind, and spirit, until one day you wake up more resentful than optimistic.

    One day, people no longer want to be around you because the stink of negativity is oozing out of your pores. One day, you even get tired of hearing yourself get angry. And the person or people you are angry at or holding grudges against probably haven’t been affected at all.

    Who gets hurt the most in that process of repeating negative thoughts? You do.

    Some good advice for you here: How to Let Go of Resentment and Anger

    9. Stop Reliving Your Past

    To live a stress-free life, you have to stop reliving your past. I know it seems like fun to compare everything in your present to your past, and to experience the present through past-colored glasses, but it actually isn’t.

    When you wear past-colored glasses, you can’t truly experience the present for what it is. Your boyfriend or girlfriend gets compared to a list of expectations and failed relationships rather than recognized for the unique blessing they are in your life.

    Your boss gets compared to all the bosses who came before her/him. Your friends’ ability to parent gets compared to your parents’ ability to parent.

    People, including you, deserve to stand on their own past-free merit.

    10. Don’t Complain About Things You Can’t Change

    There are always going to be people elected into office whom you don’t like, taxes that you don’t want to pay, idiot drivers who refuse to move out of the left-hand lane, and a person ahead of you in the check-out line who won’t stop chatting with the clerk.

    The great benefit of being human is that we get to experience all of what life offers us. To live stress-free is to learn to deal with this fact.

    Advertising

    Dwelling on your frustration with something that can’t be changed doesn’t do anything other than drag you down. You are the only person who will ultimately decide how to respond to what is.

    11. Stop Living Through Other People’s Lives

    Someone else’s life is not your life. Your life is your life.

    What that means is you get to live your life in the way you want. You get to make ridiculous mistakes, take leaps of faith, and stuff things inside your handbag of fear just as much as the next person.

    Going through stuff is the whole great messy adventure of being human! Being alive and living life is terrifying and glorious and everything in between.

    Stop living through social media, trying to soak in all of the experiences everyone else is having. Focus, instead, on what it feels like to be you in this moment. You may find you like it.

    Final Thoughts

    An astounding thing happens when you reduce stress and anxiety, get into a relationship with your body, mind, and spirit, and just be yourself without judgment.

    Your life literally slows down. You stop wishing for the weekend. You begin to live in each moment, and you start feeling like a human being. You just ride the wave that is life, with this feeling of contentment and joy.

    You move fluidly, steadily, calmly, and gratefully. A veil is lifted, and a whole new perspective is born through improved mental health. And this is how you live a stress-free life.

    More Tips on How to Live a Stress-Free Life

    Featured photo credit: Drew Coffman via unsplash.com

    Reference

    Read Next