Advertising
Advertising

This Is Why You Attract People Who Don’t Really Suit You (But You Don’t Need To Blame Yourself)

This Is Why You Attract People Who Don’t Really Suit You (But You Don’t Need To Blame Yourself)

People will drift in and out of your life

It is rare that people stay in your life from childhood through to adulthood. Some friends from your youth may be in your life till old age, but that doesn’t mean you are compatible. It just means, like family, familiarity and consequence has forced your lives together. It’s not that attracting these relationships isn’t valuable. Old friends are probably some of the most important connections you will make and are the most noteworthy in your personal history. It’s just that sometimes the most profound and significant relationships you have may be short lived. Sometimes people will drift into your life and it’s like the universe has aligned to facilitate your union. These are the people that pass through your life and make an impact. You may meet them through work, or it could be someone you meet while traveling or someone you had a short but intense romantic involvement with. They are the people you never forget and the ones that change you, but somehow you know that it is impossible for them to be in your life for the long run.

Advertising

You may feel like you are attracting all the wrong people, but in fact you are attracting the right people that you need in that moment in time.

We are socialized to believe that there is one person out there who is supposed to complete us. One person who we are supposed to meet and spend the rest of our lives with. For some people, attracting this person is a reality and, whether it is a choice and daily compromise, a commitment is made to form a union with one other person and see it through — no matter what and til the end of your days.

Advertising

However, true and long-lasting love is not a given for everybody. The reality is that it is healthy to have romantic encounters throughout our lives, particularly in our youth and formative years, to help us understand who we truly are and who we want to become. Loving relationships, whether sexual or platonic, teach us about ourselves. They give us the tools to understand what it means to truly connect with another human being on an emotional, physical, and intellectual level. They teach us to compromise and cooperate by negotiating our own needs with the needs of another. You may feel like you are attracting all the wrong people, but in fact you are attracting the right people that you need in that moment in time. Sometimes, if you love someone, you have to set them free.

Advertising

 Gradually we stop indulging in the need to please others and learn to do what is in our own best interest.

Being true to ourselves is not as easy as it sounds and it is something that needs to be practiced and learned as we grow up. When we are young, we do what we are told, what our parents and teachers tell us. The older we get, the more self determination we develop. We ask questions. We see things from our own perspectives and learn to make up our own minds. We use our experiences and our resourcefulness to guide us and, while taking others’ advice and influence on board, we think critically and develop the ability to make rational decisions. This means that gradually we stop indulging in the need to please others and learn to do what is in our own best interest. This doesn’t imply that we are selfish or self absorbed. It instead alludes to becoming a self reliant and independent, free-thinking individual, who can make their own decisions and prioritize their own happiness and satisfaction. The truer you are to yourself, and the more you respect your own wishes, the harder it becomes to tolerate the wrong people. Attracting the right people becomes inevitable.

Advertising

More by this author

Diane Koopman

Writer, Author, Novelist, Self-Publisher

10 Scientifically Proven Health Benefits of Taking a Bath 20 Dalai Lama Quotes To Change The Way You Think Small Things Parents Can Do to Effectively Reduce Sibling Jealousy Learning These 10 Tricks Can Help You Overcome Frustration in Communication Most of Us Are Similar When We’re Small, but Then Critical Thinking Differentiates Us

Trending in Communication

1The Gentle Art of Saying No 217 Ted Talks for Kids to Inspire Little Minds to Do Big Things 310 Toxic Persons You Should Just Get Rid Of 4Striving Towards Secure Attachment: How to Restructure Your Thoughts 5Being Self Aware Is the Key to Success: How to Boost Self Awareness

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising

The Gentle Art of Saying No

The Gentle Art of Saying No

No!

It’s a simple fact that you can never be productive if you take on too many commitments — you simply spread yourself too thin and will not be able to get anything done, at least not well or on time.

Advertising

But requests for your time are coming in all the time — through phone, email, IM or in person. To stay productive, and minimize stress, you have to learn the Gentle Art of Saying No — an art that many people have problems with.

Advertising

What’s so hard about saying no? Well, to start with, it can hurt, anger or disappoint the person you’re saying “no” to, and that’s not usually a fun task. Second, if you hope to work with that person in the future, you’ll want to continue to have a good relationship with that person, and saying “no” in the wrong way can jeopardize that.

Advertising

But it doesn’t have to be difficult or hard on your relationship. Here are the Top 10 tips for learning the Gentle Art of Saying No:

  1. Value your time. Know your commitments, and how valuable your precious time is. Then, when someone asks you to dedicate some of your time to a new commitment, you’ll know that you simply cannot do it. And tell them that: “I just can’t right now … my plate is overloaded as it is.”
  2. Know your priorities. Even if you do have some extra time (which for many of us is rare), is this new commitment really the way you want to spend that time? For myself, I know that more commitments means less time with my wife and kids, who are more important to me than anything.
  3. Practice saying no. Practice makes perfect. Saying “no” as often as you can is a great way to get better at it and more comfortable with saying the word. And sometimes, repeating the word is the only way to get a message through to extremely persistent people. When they keep insisting, just keep saying no. Eventually, they’ll get the message.
  4. Don’t apologize. A common way to start out is “I’m sorry but …” as people think that it sounds more polite. While politeness is important, apologizing just makes it sound weaker. You need to be firm, and unapologetic about guarding your time.
  5. Stop being nice. Again, it’s important to be polite, but being nice by saying yes all the time only hurts you. When you make it easy for people to grab your time (or money), they will continue to do it. But if you erect a wall, they will look for easier targets. Show them that your time is well guarded by being firm and turning down as many requests (that are not on your top priority list) as possible.
  6. Say no to your boss. Sometimes we feel that we have to say yes to our boss — they’re our boss, right? And if we say “no” then we look like we can’t handle the work — at least, that’s the common reasoning. But in fact, it’s the opposite — explain to your boss that by taking on too many commitments, you are weakening your productivity and jeopardizing your existing commitments. If your boss insists that you take on the project, go over your project or task list and ask him/her to re-prioritize, explaining that there’s only so much you can take on at one time.
  7. Pre-empting. It’s often much easier to pre-empt requests than to say “no” to them after the request has been made. If you know that requests are likely to be made, perhaps in a meeting, just say to everyone as soon as you come into the meeting, “Look guys, just to let you know, my week is booked full with some urgent projects and I won’t be able to take on any new requests.”
  8. Get back to you. Instead of providing an answer then and there, it’s often better to tell the person you’ll give their request some thought and get back to them. This will allow you to give it some consideration, and check your commitments and priorities. Then, if you can’t take on the request, simply tell them: “After giving this some thought, and checking my commitments, I won’t be able to accommodate the request at this time.” At least you gave it some consideration.
  9. Maybe later. If this is an option that you’d like to keep open, instead of just shutting the door on the person, it’s often better to just say, “This sounds like an interesting opportunity, but I just don’t have the time at the moment. Perhaps you could check back with me in [give a time frame].” Next time, when they check back with you, you might have some free time on your hands.
  10. It’s not you, it’s me. This classic dating rejection can work in other situations. Don’t be insincere about it, though. Often the person or project is a good one, but it’s just not right for you, at least not at this time. Simply say so — you can compliment the idea, the project, the person, the organization … but say that it’s not the right fit, or it’s not what you’re looking for at this time. Only say this if it’s true — people can sense insincerity.

Featured photo credit: Pexels via pexels.com

Advertising

Read Next