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How to Get Over Family Feuds that lead to Stress, Anxiety and Depression

How to Get Over Family Feuds that lead to Stress, Anxiety and Depression

Have you ever had an argument with a family member so intense that you just start to boil inside? The only thing left is for steam to blow through your ears and nostrils profusely. I hate it when they do that!

The aggravation from family can really mess up your psyche. How can you feel so connected to someone but have them crush your dreams, hopes and aspirations in a split second?

It happens to the best of us.

I remember getting offered a placement for University abroad at the age of 16 and asking my grandmother with a thriving business for help. Now, 7 years later… I did NOT go to that University. Why? Take a wild guess. I bawled for days feeling crushed. I remember I wasn’t a religious person at that time but waited for everyone to leave the house and began screaming my throat out to God. All I wanted was for Him to hear me. I told myself I wouldn’t stop screaming until he heard me. Did God say anything to me in that time? Absolutely NOT.

Imagine you think you have this one shot to go get a better life. You ask the one person you think could help you and they say no. The rejection was real. I battled within to come to terms with this situation. Anxiety attacks came crashing in. I gave my mom an attitude on autopilot for weeks. The anger bubbled within me.

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Flash forward to now.

Everyday I meditate to keep myself grounded and my energies pure. I’ve worked at this for years after I realized that it’s the only thing that helps because I’ve been aggressive all my life. Why am I telling you this? Because even with so much practice, you’d think I have mastered this. I have… I do manifest everything I absolutely want but just one simple thing from my mom, grandmother or my boyfriend can cut me off my game. It could possibly lead me to depression. That’s how bad it could get. Why? Because they’re the closest ones to me. Don’t get annoyed. The story comes together, I promise.

They say and do the sweetest stuff sometimes but the harshest as well. Sometimes it will kick you off your game so much that you wonder if they really do love you. They do… It’s just that what you find important, they won’t. What aggravates you is soothing to them..sometimes. Family can build you too. So don’t feel I’m against loving them because I’m not.

I don’t care who you are or where you live…I stick to this belief wholeheartedly: The people you love impact you the most to the point you can hurt for a lifetime over something they said or did.

Prevention is better than cure.

If you want me to sugarcoat this… Do me a favor and stop reading.
If you want the truth, here goes.

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Sometimes you have to tune out the people you love. Just sometimes. Remember, balance is everything in life. Balance along with faith. You are more than enough with where you are and what you do. You have to figure out a way to start believing that. When someone doesn’t align that much with the desires you have, tune them out CONCERNING that specific subject. Seek the truth by becoming more aware. Become a little more open minded and try new things that may lead you to the answers you seek.

People you love will try to suppress the things you believe in just because they don’t believe it. You learn to tune people out by ignoring their ignorance and negativity through practice. Think about something you enjoy while they speak to you. Try remembering the lyrics to your favorite song. Picture that person you have a crush on, exercise, take a trip. Distract yourself from the fact that they’ve become a nuisance. Channel your energy somewhere else. Heck, I don’t care… Just make sure that you become immune to the foolishness. You know yourself better than I do. Find  a way!

Who are you to suppress someone’s dreams? Better yet, who are you to suppress the dreams you have? Pursuing things you love will give you life so why try to kill it before giving it a fair chance?

The story about not going to the University I got into is now a pain point leaning towards understanding. How so?

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Values and Differences

Well, my grandmother didn’t help because she didn’t believe in education. She gained a great amount of wealth without being trained. Why would she spend hundreds of thousands of her profits on my education? It wasn’t necessary for her so she didn’t see it necessary for me. Never be that ignorant. I however don’t blame her looking back at it. I didn’t enjoy life at that moment because I thought God couldn’t hear me and my ONE chance got blown away. Boy, was I WRONG!

I now think of it as God having a bigger and better plan for me. I stayed in the country and struggled for a bit. Through struggling, you learn the most. What does someone learn from trying one simple thing and succeeding the first time? So, as hard as it was, I came to terms with the fact that I had gained a lot of experience and wisdom going through depression and heartache born from trying to find where I belonged. I found it though. Why? Because I persisted in finding the truth.

Opportunities are neverending

You don’t just get one chance in life. Chances come over and over and over. When you miss one, you don’t really miss it. You align yourself for something grander, something more exciting.
Stop walking around and saying your family didn’t give you the opportunity to do whatever they stopped you from doing. There’s always a loophole.

I did go to College but ended up dropping out. Why? On my own behalf I didn’t believe enough in the system. Imagine if I had gotten the money from my grandma, went overseas, dropped out and went back without a degree she would be investing in me. She would have been furious. Look at that… It worked out for me.

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Don’t force it

Sometimes we try to force things that really aren’t for us too but that’s a whole other story by itself. Save yourself the hassle and trust your journey. The impact family has on you can either crush your spirit or build it. What do you decide?
Are you going to be depressed for the rest of your life because they don’t have the same vision as you? Or are you going to tune them out and seek the truth on who you really want to be? If you need help deciding, this should help you. You can download it here if you need it for your personal collection; it has highlights and is more relatable.

Have an open mind, be hungry for growth and expect new opportunities every day.

Don’t be scared to shoot me a message of what you’re going through with a loved one/family member.

Change is possible so just keep trying. Big hugs <3

Featured photo credit: pixabay via pixabay.com

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Last Updated on February 11, 2021

Easily Misunderstood by Others? 6 Barriers You Should Overcome to Make Communication Less Frustrating

Easily Misunderstood by Others? 6 Barriers You Should Overcome to Make Communication Less Frustrating

How often have you said something simple, only to have the person who you said this to misunderstand it or twist the meaning completely around? Nodding your head in affirmative? Then this means that you are being unclear in your communication.

Communication should be simple, right? It’s all about two people or more talking and explaining something to the other. The problem lies in the talking itself, somehow we end up being unclear, and our words, attitude or even the way of talking becomes a barrier in communication, most of the times unknowingly. We give you six common barriers to communication, and how to get past them; for you to actually say what you mean, and or the other person to understand it as well…

The 6 Walls You Need to Break Down to Make Communication Effective

Think about it this way, a simple phrase like “what do you mean” can be said in many different ways and each different way would end up “communicating” something else entirely. Scream it at the other person, and the perception would be anger. Whisper this is someone’s ear and others may take it as if you were plotting something. Say it in another language, and no one gets what you mean at all, if they don’t speak it… This is what we mean when we say that talking or saying something that’s clear in your head, many not mean that you have successfully communicated it across to your intended audience – thus what you say and how, where and why you said it – at times become barriers to communication.[1]

Perceptual Barrier

The moment you say something in a confrontational, sarcastic, angry or emotional tone, you have set up perceptual barriers to communication. The other person or people to whom you are trying to communicate your point get the message that you are disinterested in what you are saying and sort of turn a deaf ear. In effect, you are yelling your point across to person who might as well be deaf![2]

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The problem: When you have a tone that’s not particularly positive, a body language that denotes your own disinterest in the situation and let your own stereotypes and misgivings enter the conversation via the way you talk and gesture, the other person perceives what you saying an entirely different manner than say if you said the same while smiling and catching their gaze.

The solution: Start the conversation on a positive note, and don’t let what you think color your tone, gestures of body language. Maintain eye contact with your audience, and smile openly and wholeheartedly…

Attitudinal Barrier

Some people, if you would excuse the language, are simply badass and in general are unable to form relationships or even a common point of communication with others, due to their habit of thinking to highly or too lowly of them. They basically have an attitude problem – since they hold themselves in high esteem, they are unable to form genuine lines of communication with anyone. The same is true if they think too little of themselves as well.[3]

The problem: If anyone at work, or even in your family, tends to roam around with a superior air – anything they say is likely to be taken by you and the others with a pinch, or even a bag of salt. Simply because whenever they talk, the first thing to come out of it is their condescending attitude. And in case there’s someone with an inferiority complex, their incessant self-pity forms barriers to communication.

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The solution: Use simple words and an encouraging smile to communicate effectively – and stick to constructive criticism, and not criticism because you are a perfectionist. If you see someone doing a good job, let them know, and disregard the thought that you could have done it better. It’s their job so measure them by industry standards and not your own.

Language Barrier

This is perhaps the commonest and the most inadvertent of barriers to communication. Using big words, too much of technical jargon or even using just the wrong language at the incorrect or inopportune time can lead to a loss or misinterpretation of communication. It may have sounded right in your head and to your ears as well, but if sounded gobbledygook to the others, the purpose is lost.

The problem: Say you are trying to explain a process to the newbies and end up using every technical word and industry jargon that you knew – your communication has failed if the newbie understood zilch. You have to, without sounding patronizing, explain things to someone in the simplest language they understand instead of the most complex that you do.

The solution: Simplify things for the other person to understand you, and understand it well. Think about it this way: if you are trying to explain something scientific to a child, you tone it down to their thinking capacity, without “dumbing” anything down in the process.[4]

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Emotional Barrier

Sometimes, we hesitate in opening our mouths, for fear of putting our foot in it! Other times, our emotional state is so fragile that we keep it and our lips zipped tightly together lest we explode. This is the time that our emotions become barriers to communication.[5]

The problem: Say you had a fight at home and are on a slow boil, muttering, in your head, about the injustice of it all. At this time, you have to give someone a dressing down over their work performance. You are likely to transfer at least part of your angst to the conversation then, and talk about unfairness in general, leaving the other person stymied about what you actually meant!

The solution: Remove your emotions and feelings to a personal space, and talk to the other person as you normally would. Treat any phobias or fears that you have and nip them in the bud so that they don’t become a problem. And remember, no one is perfect.

Cultural Barrier

Sometimes, being in an ever-shrinking world means that inadvertently, rules can make cultures clash and cultural clashes can turn into barriers to communication. The idea is to make your point across without hurting anyone’s cultural or religious sentiments.

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The problem: There are so many ways culture clashes can happen during communication and with cultural clashes; it’s not always about ethnicity. A non-smoker may have problems with smokers taking breaks; an older boss may have issues with younger staff using the Internet too much.

The solution: Communicate only what is necessary to get the point across – and eave your personal sentiments or feelings out of it. Try to be accommodative of the other’s viewpoint, and in case you still need to work it out, do it one to one, to avoid making a spectacle of the other person’s beliefs.[6]

Gender Barrier

Finally, it’s about Men from Mars and Women from Venus. Sometimes, men don’t understand women and women don’t get men – and this gender gap throws barriers in communication. Women tend to take conflict to their graves, literally, while men can move on instantly. Women rely on intuition, men on logic – so inherently, gender becomes a big block in successful communication.[7]

The problem: A male boss may inadvertently rub his female subordinates the wrong way with anti-feminism innuendoes, or even have problems with women taking too many family leaves. Similarly, women sometimes let their emotions get the better of them, something a male audience can’t relate to.

The solution: Talk to people like people – don’t think or classify them into genders and then talk accordingly. Don’t make comments or innuendos that are gender biased – you don’t have to come across as an MCP or as a bra-burning feminist either. Keep gender out of it.

And remember, the key to successful communication is simply being open, making eye contact and smiling intermittently. The battle is usually half won when you say what you mean in simple, straightforward words and keep your emotions out of it.

Reference

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