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Survival Tips: How To Get Over A Break Up

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Survival Tips: How To Get Over A Break Up

It happens to most of us at some point or another – a valued relationship ends. Whether you’ve been seeing it coming for a while or it happens to you of the blue, it can be utterly devastating. However common this experience is, it still hits hard.

Luckily, there are tried and tested strategies through which you can move on quickly and start to heal. The tips below will enable you to see your previous relationship in a new light, and help you understand what went wrong. This sets you up for healthier relationships in the future, combined with a greater degree of self-awareness. Adhere to the following steps to help you get over a break up:

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1. Give Yourself Time To Get Over A Break up

The cliche ‘time heals all wounds’ is a popular saying for a reason – it’s true. Whilst there are no hard and fast rules as to how long it takes an average person to get over a relationship, you can reasonably expect it to take at least a few months to fully get over a long-term relationship. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, provided you are seeing progress of some kind, you are moving in the right direction.

2. Take Care Of The Basics

In the aftermath of a break up, it can be easy to let eating, sleeping and work duties slide. It’s tempting to just lie in bed, wallowing in self-pity and wondering what went wrong. This, however, will not help you get over a break up. Resist this urge!

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Make a promise to yourself that you will wash, dress and make yourself eat at least one proper meal every day. It’s normal to gain or lose a bit of weight following emotional turmoil, but any significant changes need to be reported to your doctor or therapist.

3. Reach Out To Other People Who Have Been There

You probably have friends or relatives who have survived relationship breakdown and perhaps even emerged stronger for it. Find these people and ask them questions about their experiences. It can feel very comforting to know that other people have also been through immense emotions similar to those you are facing.

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4. Tackle Negative Thoughts Head-On

After losing someone you love, you may find yourself indulging in negative and unhelpful thoughts that will not set you up for positive relationships in the future. This is common, especially if you had invested a lot in the relationship. Thoughts include, ‘No-one will ever love me again,’ and ‘I’ll never be happy again.’ When you look at these thoughts carefully, you will realize that they are not rational. Be aware of them, honor them, but promise yourself not to be drawn into dwelling on them.

5. Keep Relentlessly Busy

Is your schedule looking a little bare? If you have been engrossed in a relationship that has been demanding a lot of your attention for some months or years, you might have been neglecting your social life or hobbies. Now is the perfect time to reclaim yourself and start sorting a new life out for yourself! Start by getting back in touch with old friends or by picking up interests or hobbies that may have fallen by the wayside during your relationship.

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6. Start Keeping A Journal

Research has shown that expressive writing, in which you keep track of your feelings and describe a difficult experience, works to reduce feelings of stress and depression. Start a notebook in which you record your innermost thoughts and feelings relating to the breakup. Over time, you will be able to see the progress you have made. It can be encouraging to realize that you can approach a previously unbearable situation with a new degree of emotional maturity.

Featured photo credit: Unsplash/Pixabay via pixabay.com

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Jay Hill

Jay writes about communication and happiness on Lifehack.

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Last Updated on November 18, 2021

10 Proven Ways to Judge a Person’s Character

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10 Proven Ways to Judge a Person’s Character

We all fall into the trap of judging a person’s character by their appearance. How wrong we are! All too often, the real character of the person only appears when some negative event hits them or you. Then you may see a toxic person emerging from the ruins and it is often a shock.

A truly frightening example is revealed in the book by O’Toole in Bowman called Dangerous Instincts: How Gut Instincts Betray Us. A perfectly respectable, charming, well dressed neighbor was found to have installed a torture chamber in his garage where he was systematically abusing kidnapped women. This is an extreme example, but it does show how we can be totally deceived by a person’s physical appearance, manners and behavior.

So, what can you do? You want to be able to assess personal qualities when you come into contact with colleagues, fresh acquaintances and new friends who might even become lifelong partners. You want to know if they are:

  • honest
  • reliable
  • competent
  • kind and compassionate
  • capable of taking the blame
  • able to persevere
  • modest and humble
  • pacific and can control anger.

The secret is to reserve judgment and take your time. Observe them in certain situations; look at how they react. Listen to them talking, joking, laughing, explaining, complaining, blaming, praising, ranting, and preaching. Only then will you be able to judge their character. This is not foolproof, but if you follow the 10 ways below, you have a pretty good chance of not ending up in an abusive relationship.

1. Is anger a frequent occurrence?

All too often, angry reactions which may seem to be excessive are a sign that there are underlying issues. Do not think that every person who just snaps and throws his/her weight around mentally and physically is just reacting normally. Everyone has an occasional angry outburst when driving or when things go pear-shaped.

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But if this is almost a daily occurrence, then you need to discover why and maybe avoid that person. Too often, anger will escalate to violent and aggressive behavior. You do not want to be near someone who thinks violence can solve personal or global problems.

2. Can you witness acts of kindness?

How often do you see this person being kind and considerate? Do they give money to beggars, donate to charity, do voluntary work or in some simple way show that they are willing to share the planet with about 7 billion other people?

I was shocked when a guest of mine never showed any kindness to the weak and disadvantaged people in our town. She was ostensibly a religious person, but I began to doubt the sincerity of her beliefs.

“The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and how he treats people who can’t fight back.”

Abigail Van Buren

3. How does this person take the blame?

Maybe you know that s/he is responsible for a screw-up in the office or even in not turning up on time for a date. Look at their reaction. If they start blaming other colleagues or the traffic, well, this is an indication that they are not willing to take responsibility for their mistakes.

4. Don’t use Facebook as an indicator.

You will be relieved to know that graphology (the study of that forgotten skill of handwriting) is no longer considered a reliable test of a person’s character. Neither is Facebook stalking, fortunately. A study showed that Facebook use of foul language, sexual innuendo and gossip were not reliable indicators of a candidate’s character or future performance in the workplace.

5. Read their emails.

Now a much better idea is to read the person’s emails. Studies show that the use of the following can indicate certain personality traits:

  • Too many exclamation points may reveal a sunny disposition
  • Frequent errors may indicate apathy
  • Use of smileys is the only way a person can smile at you
  • Use of the third person may reveal a certain formality
  • Too many question marks can show anger
  • Overuse of capital letters is regarded as shouting. They are a definite no-no in netiquette, yet a surprising number of  people still use them.

6. Watch out for the show offs.

Listen to people as they talk. How often do they mention their achievements, promotions, awards and successes? If this happens a lot, it is a sure indication that this person has an over-inflated view of his/her achievements. They are unlikely to be modest or show humility. What a pity!  Another person to avoid.

7. Look for evidence of perseverance.

A powerful indicator of grit and tenacity is when a person persists and never gives up when they really want to achieve a life goal. Look for evidence of them keeping going in spite of enormous difficulties.

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Great achievements by scientists and inventors all bear the hallmark of perseverance. We only have to think of Einstein, Edison (who failed thousands of times) and Nelson Mandela to get inspiration. The US Department of Education is in no doubt about how grit, tenacity and perseverance will be key success factors for youth in the 21st century.

8. Their empathy score is high.

Listen to how they talk about the less fortunate members of our society such as the poor, immigrants and the disabled. Do you notice that they talk in a compassionate way about these people? The fact that they even mention them is a strong indicator of empathy.

People with zero empathy will never talk about the disadvantaged. They will rarely ask you a question about a difficult time or relationship. They will usually steer the conversation back to themselves. These people have zero empathy and in extreme cases, they are psychopaths who never show any feelings towards their victims.

9. Learn how to be socially interactive.

We are social animals and this is what makes us so uniquely human. If a person is isolated or a loner, this may be a negative indicator of their character. You want to meet a person who knows about trust, honesty and loyalty. The only way to practice these great qualities is to actually interact socially. The great advantage is that you can share problems and celebrate success and joy together.

“One can acquire everything in solitude, except character.”

Stendhal

 10. Avoid toxic people.

These people are trying to control others and often are failing to come to terms with their own failures. Typical behavior and conversations may concern:

  • Envy or jealousy
  • Criticism of partners, colleagues and friends
  • Complaining about their own lack of success
  • Blaming others for their own bad luck or failure
  • Obsession with themselves and their problems

Listen to these people talk and you will quickly discover that you need to avoid them at all costs because their negativity will drag you down. In addition, as much as you would like to help them, you are not qualified to do so.

Now, having looked at some of the best ways to judge a person, what about yourself? How do others see you? Why not take Dr. Phil’s quiz and find out. Can you bear it?

Featured photo credit: Jacek Dylag via unsplash.com

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