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6 Ways You Can Survive Mother’s Day

6 Ways You Can Survive Mother’s Day

Are you ready for Mother’s Day? And I don’t mean with the perfect card and flowers. I mean, the day you have to celebrate a woman, who you may not actually like. Unfortunately, many daughters have an estranged or tense relationship with their moms and while we live with this every day, what happens when it’s Mother’s Day? Whether you’re ready or not, it’s her day, so what are you going to do about it?

It can easily become a day to remember and resent all of the things we dislike about her and our upbringing. Many mothers are controlling, dismissive and unavailable, just to name a few of the toxic patterns they can display.

These behaviors hurt, but let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water. Or the mom out with Mother’s Day.

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You see, as Peg Streep wrote in Psychology Today, “the female of our species isn’t hardwired to love her offspring; it is the child, not the mother, whom evolution has equipped with a powerful need as an aid to survival. It’s estimated that half of us, plus or minus, hit the jackpot and have mothers who range from ‘great’ to ‘good enough.’”

So that means, the other half of us didn’t hit the jackpot. But instead of begrudging your mom for not being the mother you need, you can see yourself as the daughter who she needs. You might be saying, “There’s no way that my mom is my responsibility!”

But it’s not that you’re responsible for her. You’re responsible for you and your presence can help her. So, here’s what you can do for both you and your mom, this Mother’s Day.

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Heal yourself

As much as we want to save a sour relationship or another person, it’s neither in our power nor our responsibility to do so. We cannot heal others, but we have to heal ourselves! And this is the best step toward reconciling yourself with the relationship you have with her, whatever it looks like.

Forgive

Until you forgive, you’ll carry lots of emotional baggage that will permeate your mind and body. You forgive, not because you caved in and made everything she did OK. You forgive so that you can be free of the pain and negativity.

Respect

You may not respect, admire or like your mom, but her impact on your life is strong (which is why she can draw out some pretty high emotions from you). But because she still has a right to be treated with dignity and respect, just as you do, create opportunities for respect, while limiting the ones for disrespect. Maybe you can’t spend more than a couple hours with her and if that’s the case, keep it short and sweet. If a phone call is enough for the two of you, go with that. Just don’t feel obligated to meet the expectations that advertising and marketing bombards you with: Big parties, elaborate gifts and cards, expensive bouquets, etc. Do what feels right for your relationship.

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Gift toward the Good

Go with gifts that you know will bring her happiness, not what you think she should have or what you wish she’d be into. Give her what will bring a smile to her face. My mom is an amazing craftswoman when it comes to all things knitting and crocheting. I don’t understand any of it, but a gift along those lines is perfect for her.

Plants not Flowers

Flowers, of course, are the popular choice, but these can be showy, insincere and short-lived. Perhaps a plant (even a small one) can remind you of the long-lasting bond between you and her, and the many seasons (both good and bad) which you’ve endured together.

Picture It

Find an old photo of the two of you and keep it to yourself. When you look at it, reverse the role. Maybe you’re not so different than she was back then and maybe she did the best she could. Let this be your compassion card to help you be a good daughter, irrespective of the type of mother you had.

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Mother’s Day is her day because she is your mom. But It also has a lot to do with you because, well, she’s your mom! And you can make it a good day for both of you.

Featured photo credit: Richard Taylor via Flickr via flickr.com

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Last Updated on February 11, 2021

Easily Misunderstood by Others? 6 Barriers You Should Overcome to Make Communication Less Frustrating

Easily Misunderstood by Others? 6 Barriers You Should Overcome to Make Communication Less Frustrating

How often have you said something simple, only to have the person who you said this to misunderstand it or twist the meaning completely around? Nodding your head in affirmative? Then this means that you are being unclear in your communication.

Communication should be simple, right? It’s all about two people or more talking and explaining something to the other. The problem lies in the talking itself, somehow we end up being unclear, and our words, attitude or even the way of talking becomes a barrier in communication, most of the times unknowingly. We give you six common barriers to communication, and how to get past them; for you to actually say what you mean, and or the other person to understand it as well…

The 6 Walls You Need to Break Down to Make Communication Effective

Think about it this way, a simple phrase like “what do you mean” can be said in many different ways and each different way would end up “communicating” something else entirely. Scream it at the other person, and the perception would be anger. Whisper this is someone’s ear and others may take it as if you were plotting something. Say it in another language, and no one gets what you mean at all, if they don’t speak it… This is what we mean when we say that talking or saying something that’s clear in your head, many not mean that you have successfully communicated it across to your intended audience – thus what you say and how, where and why you said it – at times become barriers to communication.[1]

Perceptual Barrier

The moment you say something in a confrontational, sarcastic, angry or emotional tone, you have set up perceptual barriers to communication. The other person or people to whom you are trying to communicate your point get the message that you are disinterested in what you are saying and sort of turn a deaf ear. In effect, you are yelling your point across to person who might as well be deaf![2]

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The problem: When you have a tone that’s not particularly positive, a body language that denotes your own disinterest in the situation and let your own stereotypes and misgivings enter the conversation via the way you talk and gesture, the other person perceives what you saying an entirely different manner than say if you said the same while smiling and catching their gaze.

The solution: Start the conversation on a positive note, and don’t let what you think color your tone, gestures of body language. Maintain eye contact with your audience, and smile openly and wholeheartedly…

Attitudinal Barrier

Some people, if you would excuse the language, are simply badass and in general are unable to form relationships or even a common point of communication with others, due to their habit of thinking to highly or too lowly of them. They basically have an attitude problem – since they hold themselves in high esteem, they are unable to form genuine lines of communication with anyone. The same is true if they think too little of themselves as well.[3]

The problem: If anyone at work, or even in your family, tends to roam around with a superior air – anything they say is likely to be taken by you and the others with a pinch, or even a bag of salt. Simply because whenever they talk, the first thing to come out of it is their condescending attitude. And in case there’s someone with an inferiority complex, their incessant self-pity forms barriers to communication.

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The solution: Use simple words and an encouraging smile to communicate effectively – and stick to constructive criticism, and not criticism because you are a perfectionist. If you see someone doing a good job, let them know, and disregard the thought that you could have done it better. It’s their job so measure them by industry standards and not your own.

Language Barrier

This is perhaps the commonest and the most inadvertent of barriers to communication. Using big words, too much of technical jargon or even using just the wrong language at the incorrect or inopportune time can lead to a loss or misinterpretation of communication. It may have sounded right in your head and to your ears as well, but if sounded gobbledygook to the others, the purpose is lost.

The problem: Say you are trying to explain a process to the newbies and end up using every technical word and industry jargon that you knew – your communication has failed if the newbie understood zilch. You have to, without sounding patronizing, explain things to someone in the simplest language they understand instead of the most complex that you do.

The solution: Simplify things for the other person to understand you, and understand it well. Think about it this way: if you are trying to explain something scientific to a child, you tone it down to their thinking capacity, without “dumbing” anything down in the process.[4]

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Emotional Barrier

Sometimes, we hesitate in opening our mouths, for fear of putting our foot in it! Other times, our emotional state is so fragile that we keep it and our lips zipped tightly together lest we explode. This is the time that our emotions become barriers to communication.[5]

The problem: Say you had a fight at home and are on a slow boil, muttering, in your head, about the injustice of it all. At this time, you have to give someone a dressing down over their work performance. You are likely to transfer at least part of your angst to the conversation then, and talk about unfairness in general, leaving the other person stymied about what you actually meant!

The solution: Remove your emotions and feelings to a personal space, and talk to the other person as you normally would. Treat any phobias or fears that you have and nip them in the bud so that they don’t become a problem. And remember, no one is perfect.

Cultural Barrier

Sometimes, being in an ever-shrinking world means that inadvertently, rules can make cultures clash and cultural clashes can turn into barriers to communication. The idea is to make your point across without hurting anyone’s cultural or religious sentiments.

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The problem: There are so many ways culture clashes can happen during communication and with cultural clashes; it’s not always about ethnicity. A non-smoker may have problems with smokers taking breaks; an older boss may have issues with younger staff using the Internet too much.

The solution: Communicate only what is necessary to get the point across – and eave your personal sentiments or feelings out of it. Try to be accommodative of the other’s viewpoint, and in case you still need to work it out, do it one to one, to avoid making a spectacle of the other person’s beliefs.[6]

Gender Barrier

Finally, it’s about Men from Mars and Women from Venus. Sometimes, men don’t understand women and women don’t get men – and this gender gap throws barriers in communication. Women tend to take conflict to their graves, literally, while men can move on instantly. Women rely on intuition, men on logic – so inherently, gender becomes a big block in successful communication.[7]

The problem: A male boss may inadvertently rub his female subordinates the wrong way with anti-feminism innuendoes, or even have problems with women taking too many family leaves. Similarly, women sometimes let their emotions get the better of them, something a male audience can’t relate to.

The solution: Talk to people like people – don’t think or classify them into genders and then talk accordingly. Don’t make comments or innuendos that are gender biased – you don’t have to come across as an MCP or as a bra-burning feminist either. Keep gender out of it.

And remember, the key to successful communication is simply being open, making eye contact and smiling intermittently. The battle is usually half won when you say what you mean in simple, straightforward words and keep your emotions out of it.

Reference

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