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4 Words That Will Ruin A Relationship

4 Words That Will Ruin A Relationship

Even the most successful couples can fail at communication when emotions run high. In the heat of battle, words can be spoken before brains are put into gear. Hurt, resentment, or anger can make the best of us lash out.

As the saying goes: “When emotion goes up… intelligence goes down.

When your partner says something that you feel is unjustified or unfair, it’s super easy to react and spit out something you don’t really mean. Understanding the cause of this reactive behaviour will help you to stop doing it and to understand and deal with it better when it’s thrown at you.

Words are powerful — more powerful than most people realize. They create our reality (and that of others around us), and choosing them carefully will be your greatest friend. When someone throws out a thoughtless comment, the receiving person can easily feel attacked or misunderstood. They feel like they’ve been judged and tried without a jury, and they go into a defensive reaction. They feel the need to state their case and argue down the opposite view. They perceive a strong threat and come out of the corner fighting.

Avoiding or replacing some words can largely avoid a breakdown in communication and a defensive response. Try listening for these in your next heated debate — you’ll be surprised just how often both you and your partner are using them:

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1. “Should”

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    When you say “you should” or “shouldn’t,” what is coming across to the other person is that you think you are superior, an authority, and that you know better than they do. It changes the dynamic from two equal people discussing to a dominant and a submissive relationship.

    Try instead: “I would really like it if you could…”

    2. “You”

    The second you start talking about what you are feeling in sentences that start with “You,” you’re probably going to be in trouble. You might say “You never listen to me!” only wishing to impart that you feel unheard, but what the other person hears is “It’s all your fault!”

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    “You” comes with an imaginary jabbing finger. It’s accusatory, and if the receiving person is already feeling vulnerable, defensive, or emotional, whatever you say after “you” will be interpreted as an accusation.

    Instead, try: “I feel like…” or “When this happens, I feel…”

    3. “Must”

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      Similar to “should,” “must” sets the speaker up as the expert, the more knowledgeable party. It tells the receiving person that you know better and that they should be doing what you say. At some level, the person you are saying this to will feel that you don’t respect their opinion or their logic or their ability to think for themselves.

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      Try: “I’d love you to…” or “It would really help me if you could…”

      4. “Expect”

      As someone once said “Peace begins where expectation ends.” Everyone has a “blueprint” in their head, an idea or a mould of how things should be and how other people should behave.

      Come to grips with the concept that other people don’t have to follow your rules and that they may not have the same expectations as you do.

      When you use phrases like “I would have expected that you would…”, it’s accusatory. It somehow says that the other person has failed and that is exactly how they will feel. They’ll feel judged and rejected and will more than likely react negatively.

      So choose your words carefully and don’t give your partner any reason to feel defensive. Talk in terms of yourself, how you feel, rather than what the other person has or hasn’t done or said.

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      If you can, take a little time to cool down before you begin to talk together so that you’re calm and ready to listen, and answer slowly — think before you speak!

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        Featured photo credit: John Mark Kuznietsov via unsplash.com

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        Last Updated on November 5, 2018

        8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

        8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

        We’ve all got our enemies; people who take pleasure in causing us pain and misery. Sometimes, the development of an enemy is due to certain differences in your characters and events have led to that. Other times, some people end up hating you for apparently no reason at all.

        Regardless of how you got this enemy, as opposed to the paradigm of fighting fire with fire, consider the following reasons and see why you should actually appreciate your enemies. This article will show you not only how to not be bothered by your enemies, but how to actually foster love for them.

        Read on to learn the secret.

        1. It’s a practical lesson in anger management

        To be honest, your enemies are the best people to help you understand your sense of anger management. When it might be true that your enemies have a way of bringing out the worst in you as regards anger, it is also true that they can help you in your quest to have that anger managed. You can’t get truly angry at someone you love and it is only in that time when you get truly annoyed that you learn how to manage it.

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        Anger management is more effective when it is in practice and not in theory

        Your enemies are like the therapists who you need, but actually don’t want. Inasmuch as you might want to hate them, they provide you an opportunity to control the anger impulse that you have.

        2. It’s an opportunity for healthy competition

        You might not know it, but your enemies make for great rivals as they help harness the competitor in you (sometimes, you might not even know or bee conversant with this competitive side until you come across an adversary). You get the right motivation to compete and this can go a long way to spur you to victory.

        However, while doing so, it is also essential that you remember not to become a worse version of yourself while competing. Working against an adversary is tricky, and you need to ensure that you don’t cause harm to yourself or your morals in the process. Healthy competition is all you need to get out of this.

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        3. Their negative comments can help you make a breakthrough

        It is true that your enemies never really have much good to say about you. However, in as much as they might be talking out of a place of hate, there might be some truth to what they’re saying.

        To wit, whenever you hear something mean or nasty from an enemy, you might want to take a step back and evaluate yourself. There is a chance that what this enemy is saying is true and coming to face that fact is a major step in helping you to become a better person overall. This is another testament to the fact that enemies can be therapists in their own way.

        4. Enemies can also be powerful allies

        Loving your enemies can also mean making an effort to interact and make peace with them. In the end, if you are able to establish some common ground and patch things up, you’ll have succeeded in making another friend. And who doesn’t need friends?

        This can also help you in working with people in the long run. You get to hone your inter-personal skills, and that can be a big plus to your ledger.

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        5. It gives you the ability to realize positivity

        In a multitude of negativity, a speck of positivity always seems to find its way through.

        Sometimes, a knowledge of the fact that you have enemies will also help you to focus on the many positives and good things that are in your life. A lot of times, we neglect what really matters in life. This can be due to being overly concerned with the enemies we have.

        However, it is also possible for this acknowledgement to spur you to take a step back and appreciate the goo things (and people who surround you).

        6. There might just be a misunderstanding

        Sometimes, the reason why you have an enemy might be something very innocuous. You might not have known the cause of this fractured relationship and your enemy will help complete the picture.

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        Simply approaching them will help you to understand the reason for the fracture. This, in turn, can help you to work towards healing your relationship moving forward. Misunderstandings happen, and you need to be able to work around them.

        7. You learn to appreciate love as well

        A constant reminder of the fact that there are enemies will also help you not to take those who love you for granted. Love and hate are two opposing emotions and it is possible for one to momentarily overshadow the other.

        However, while you’ll always have enemies, there will also always be people who love you. These people need to be appreciated for what they do for you. Never let the hate projected to you from your enemies take the place of that.

        8. Do you really need the hate?

        The truth is that enemies bring only toxic emotions and generate bad reactions from you. If you’re truly to live a prosperous life, you can’t really be carrying all this baggage around.

        Hate is bad and you should try all you can to get rid of it. It is a well-known fact that nobody can get really far in life while carrying a lot of emotional baggage. Well, hate is the biggest form of emotional baggage there is.

        Featured photo credit: rawpixel via unsplash.com

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