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4 Words That Will Ruin A Relationship

4 Words That Will Ruin A Relationship

Even the most successful couples can fail at communication when emotions run high. In the heat of battle, words can be spoken before brains are put into gear. Hurt, resentment, or anger can make the best of us lash out.

As the saying goes: “When emotion goes up… intelligence goes down.

When your partner says something that you feel is unjustified or unfair, it’s super easy to react and spit out something you don’t really mean. Understanding the cause of this reactive behaviour will help you to stop doing it and to understand and deal with it better when it’s thrown at you.

Words are powerful — more powerful than most people realize. They create our reality (and that of others around us), and choosing them carefully will be your greatest friend. When someone throws out a thoughtless comment, the receiving person can easily feel attacked or misunderstood. They feel like they’ve been judged and tried without a jury, and they go into a defensive reaction. They feel the need to state their case and argue down the opposite view. They perceive a strong threat and come out of the corner fighting.

Avoiding or replacing some words can largely avoid a breakdown in communication and a defensive response. Try listening for these in your next heated debate — you’ll be surprised just how often both you and your partner are using them:

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1. “Should”

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    When you say “you should” or “shouldn’t,” what is coming across to the other person is that you think you are superior, an authority, and that you know better than they do. It changes the dynamic from two equal people discussing to a dominant and a submissive relationship.

    Try instead: “I would really like it if you could…”

    2. “You”

    The second you start talking about what you are feeling in sentences that start with “You,” you’re probably going to be in trouble. You might say “You never listen to me!” only wishing to impart that you feel unheard, but what the other person hears is “It’s all your fault!”

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    “You” comes with an imaginary jabbing finger. It’s accusatory, and if the receiving person is already feeling vulnerable, defensive, or emotional, whatever you say after “you” will be interpreted as an accusation.

    Instead, try: “I feel like…” or “When this happens, I feel…”

    3. “Must”

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      Similar to “should,” “must” sets the speaker up as the expert, the more knowledgeable party. It tells the receiving person that you know better and that they should be doing what you say. At some level, the person you are saying this to will feel that you don’t respect their opinion or their logic or their ability to think for themselves.

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      Try: “I’d love you to…” or “It would really help me if you could…”

      4. “Expect”

      As someone once said “Peace begins where expectation ends.” Everyone has a “blueprint” in their head, an idea or a mould of how things should be and how other people should behave.

      Come to grips with the concept that other people don’t have to follow your rules and that they may not have the same expectations as you do.

      When you use phrases like “I would have expected that you would…”, it’s accusatory. It somehow says that the other person has failed and that is exactly how they will feel. They’ll feel judged and rejected and will more than likely react negatively.

      So choose your words carefully and don’t give your partner any reason to feel defensive. Talk in terms of yourself, how you feel, rather than what the other person has or hasn’t done or said.

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      If you can, take a little time to cool down before you begin to talk together so that you’re calm and ready to listen, and answer slowly — think before you speak!

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        Featured photo credit: John Mark Kuznietsov via unsplash.com

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        Last Updated on September 17, 2019

        10 Simple Ways To Always Think Positive Thoughts

        10 Simple Ways To Always Think Positive Thoughts

        Positive thinking can lead to a lot of positive change in your life. Developing an optimistic outlook can be good for both your physical and mental health.

        But sometimes, certain situations arise in life that makes it hard to keep a positive outlook. Take steps to make positive thinking become more like your second nature and you’ll reap the biggest benefits.

        Here are 10 ways to make thinking positive thoughts easy:

        1. Spend Time with Positive People

        If you surround yourself with constant complainers, their negativity is likely to rub off on you.

        Spend time with positive friends and family members to increase the likelihood that their positive thinking habits will become yours too. It’s hard to be negative when everyone around you is so positive.

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        2. Take Responsibility for Your Behavior

        When you encounter problems and difficulties in life, don’t play the role of the victim. Acknowledge your role in the situation and take responsibility for your behavior.

        Accepting responsibility can help you learn from mistakes and prevent you from blaming others unfairly.

        3. Contribute to the Community

        One of the best ways to feel good about what you have, is to focus on what you have to give.

        Volunteer in some manner and give back to the community. Helping others can give you a new outlook on the world and can assist you with positive thinking.

        4. Read Positive and Inspirational Materials

        Spend time each day reading something that encourages positive thinking. Read the Bible, spiritual material, or inspirational quotes to help you focus on what’s important to you in life. It can be a great way to start and end your day.

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        Some recommendations for you:

        5. Recognize and Replace Negative Thoughts

        You won’t be successful at positive thinking if you’re still plagued by frequent negative thoughts. Learn to recognize and replace thoughts that are overly negative. Often, thoughts that include words like “always” and “never” signal that they aren’t true.

        If you find yourself thinking something such as, “I always mess everything up,” replace it with something more realistic such as, “Sometimes I make mistakes but I learn from them.”

        There’s no need to make your thoughts unrealistically positive, but instead, make them more realistic.

        6. Establish and Work Toward Goals

        It’s easier to be positive about problems and setbacks when you have goals that you’re working toward. Goals will give you motivation to overcome those obstacles when you encounter problems along the way. Without clear goals, it’s harder to make decisions and gauge your progress.

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        Learn to set SMART goals to help you achieve more.

        7. Consider the Consequences of Negativity

        Spend some time thinking about the consequences of negative thinking. Often, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

        For example, a person who thinks, “I probably won’t get this job interview,” may put less effort into the interview. As a result, he may decrease his chances of getting the job.

        Create a list of all the ways negative thinking impacts your life. It likely influences your behavior, your relationships, and your feelings. Then, create a list of the ways in which positive thinking could be beneficial.

        8. Offer Compliments to Others

        Look for reasons to compliment others. Be genuine in your praise and compliments, but offer it frequently. This will help you look for the good in other people.

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        9. Create a Daily Gratitude List

        If you start keeping a daily gratitude list, you’ll start noticing exactly how much you have to be thankful for. This can help you focus on the positive in your life instead of thinking about all the bad things that have happened in the day.

        Getting in the habit of showing an attitude of gratitude makes positive thinking more of a habit. Here’re 40 Simple Ways To Practice Gratitude.

        10. Practice Self-Care

        Take good care of yourself and you’ll be more equipped to think positively.

        Get plenty of rest and exercise and practice managing your stress well. Taking care of your physical and mental health will provide you with more energy to focus on positive thinking.

        Learn about these 30 Self-Care Habits for a Strong and Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit.

        More About Staying Positive

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