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6 Myths About Mindful Parenting

6 Myths About Mindful Parenting

Mindfulness is a very popular concept these days, and there is a mindfulness practice for just about everything — Mindful Eating, Mindful Walking, and even Mindful Pooping (seriously, it’s a thing that I learned in my Mindfulness Based Childbirth and Parenting Class).

Mindfulness is about paying attention to the present moment without judging it. Sounds simple, but it’s not easy. You know what else isn’t easy? Raising children. It’s actually hard — really hard.

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Raising children in today’s increasingly complex and stress-filled world can make our jobs as parents feel nearly impossible. There are a lot of misconceptions about what it means to bring mindfulness to parenting, so I’d like to dispel some of the biggest myths once and for all.

1. Practicing mindful parenting takes a lot of time.

The good news here for all you busy parents is that mindful parenting doesn’t take any additional time out of your already jam-packed day. It’s not another thing you have to add to your to-do list. Practicing mindfulness is the act of bringing non-judgemental attention to what you’re doing in this very moment, over and over and over again. But if you’re wanting some tips on how to get started, you can always try this five-minute meditation to help center yourself and remind you to be mindful throughout your day.

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2. Mindful parenting is all about your children.

Although it’s true that your undivided attention will benefit your children in numerous ways, mindful parenting will actually enrich your life as parent because you’ll get a front row seat to the joy and wonder of your children’s experiences. By bringing your full attention and curiosity to reading Brown Bear, Brown Bear for the eleventh time, you might notice that it’s strange that the Purple Cat and Blue Horse are the only animals with non-realistic colors. But in all seriousness, you’ll be surprised at what you notice when you start to bring a “beginner’s mind” to everything you do.

3. Mindful parents are anti-technology.

This just isn’t the case, and there are actually a lot of technological innovations that can help you be more mindful, such as the free app Insight Timer, which helps you track your daily meditation sessions, and the Spire device, which tracks your breathing patterns to help keep you calm. Many mindful parents do in fact choose to limit technology in their households or at least set firm boundaries about acceptable use. Some parents even choose to create formal “Family Technology Contracts” where they can stipulate that devices are not allowed at the dinner table or after 9 PM, for example.

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4. All mindful parents meditate.

Meditation surely helps, but it’s not an absolute requirement for mindful parenting. Meditation helps train your brain so you can notice when your attention wanders and then bring it back to the present moment. I like to think of meditation as mental bicep curls — they will surely make you stronger, but so will picking up the groceries.

5. Mindful parenting is a Buddhist endeavor.

Anyone can practice mindful parenting, Buddhist or not. There are many secular meditation practices that can help you create a meditation habit, even in just a few minutes a day like this one here. Remember, meditation is not the only path to mindfulness, but it’s something to help train your brain to notice each time your mind has wandered off.

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6. Mindful parents don’t get angry.

Leaving the best for last, wouldn’t it be great if you could just practice mindfulness and and live happily ever after in a state of bliss? Sorry to burst your bubble but it’s not going to happen. Things are still going to bother you, and your 2-year-old daughter will probably still throw an occasional full-blown tantrum, especially when leaving the American Girl store empty-handed (sore subject for the author).

Conclusion

Although there are many myths, mindful parenting is simply about slowing down and noticing what’s going on right here and right now without judging it or trying to change it.

Mindful parenting is not another thing to add to your to-do list or another way to compete in the parenting Olympics. Mindful parents believe everyone is doing the best they can, including themselves. They try to create a safe environment to talk about their feelings and what they’re experiencing. They make a point to create rituals that foster connection.

They also know how challenging it can be when they’re overwhelmed and exhausted. And they also know that when their patience is running thin, that this too shall pass.

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Published on January 30, 2019

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

In roughly 60 percent of two-parent households with children under the age of 18, both parents work full time. But who takes time off work when the kids are sick in your house? And if you are a manager, how do you react when a man says he needs time to take his baby to the pediatrician?

The sad truth is, the default in many companies and families is to value the man’s work over the woman’s—even when there is no significant difference in their professional obligations or compensation. This translates into stereotypes in the workplace that women are the primary caregivers, which can negatively impact women’s success on the job and their upward mobility.

According to a Pew Research Center analysis of long-term time-use data (1965–2011), fathers in dual-income couples devote significantly less time than mothers do to child care.[1] Dads are doing more than twice as much housework as they used to (from an average of about four hours per week to about 10 hours), but there is still a significant imbalance.

This is not just an issue between spouses; it’s a workplace culture issue. In many offices, it is still taboo for dads to openly express that they have family obligations that need their attention. In contrast, the assumption that moms will be on the front lines of any family crisis is one that runs deep.

Consider an example from my company. A few years back, one of our team members joined us for an off-site meeting soon after returning from maternity leave. Not even two hours into her trip, her husband called to say that the baby had been crying nonstop. While there was little our colleague could practically do to help with the situation, this call was clearly unsettling, and the result was that her attention was divided for the rest of an important business dinner.

This was her first night away since the baby’s birth, and I know that her spouse had already been on several business trips before this event. Yet, I doubt she called him during his conferences to ask child-care questions. Like so many moms everywhere, she was expected to figure things out on her own.

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The numbers show that this story is far from the exception. In another Pew survey, 47 percent of dual-income parents agreed that the moms take on more of the work when a child gets sick.[2] In addition, 39 percent of working mothers said they had taken a significant amount of time off from work to care for their child compared to just 24 percent of working fathers. Mothers are also more likely than fathers (27 percent to 10 percent) to say they had quit their job at some point for family reasons.

Before any amazing stay-at-home-dads post an angry rebuttal comment, I want to be very clear that I am not judging how families choose to divide and conquer their personal and professional responsibilities; that’s 100 percent their prerogative. Rather, I am taking aim at the culture of inequity that persists even when spouses have similar or identical professional responsibilities. This is an important issue for all of us because we are leaving untapped business and human potential on the table.

What’s more, I think my fellow men can do a lot about this. For those out there who still privately think that being a good dad just means helping out mom, it’s time to man up. Stop expecting working partners—who have similar professional responsibilities—to bear the majority of the child-care responsibilities as well.

Consider these ways to support your working spouse:

1. Have higher expectations for yourself as a father; you are a parent, not a babysitter.

Know who your pediatrician is and how to reach him or her. Have a back-up plan for transportation and emergency coverage.

Don’t simply expect your partner to manage all these invisible tasks on her own. Parenting takes effort and preparation for the unexpected.

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As in other areas of life, the way to build confidence is to learn by doing. Moms aren’t born knowing how to do this stuff any more than dads are.

2. Treat your partner the way you’d want to be treated.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard a man on a business trip say to his wife on a call something to the effect of, “I am in the middle of a meeting. What do you want me to do about it?”

However, when the tables are turned, men often make that same call at the first sign of trouble.

Distractions like this make it difficult to focus and engage with work, which perpetuates the stereotype that working moms aren’t sufficiently committed.

When you’re in charge of the kids, do what she would do: Figure it out.

3. When you need to take care of your kids, don’t make an excuse that revolves around your partner’s availability.

This implies that the children are her first priority and your second.

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I admit I have been guilty in the past of telling clients, “I have the kids today because my wife had something she could not move.” What I should have said was, “I’m taking care of my kids today.”

Why is it so hard for men to admit they have personal responsibilities? Remember that you are setting an example for your sons and daughters, and do the right thing.

4. As a manager, be supportive of both your male and female colleagues when unexpected situations arise at home.

No one likes or wants disruptions, but life happens, and everyone will face a day when the troubling phone call comes from his sitter, her school nurse, or even elderly parents.

Accommodating personal needs is not a sign of weakness as a leader. Employees will be more likely to do great work if they know that you care about their personal obligations and family—and show them that you care about your own.

5. Don’t keep score or track time.

At home, it’s juvenile to get into debates about who last changed a diaper or did the dishes; everyone needs to contribute, but the big picture is what matters. Is everyone healthy and getting enough sleep? Are you enjoying each other’s company?

In business, too, avoid the trap of punching a clock. The focus should be on outcomes and performance rather than effort and inputs. That’s the way to maintain momentum toward overall goals.

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The Bottom Line

To be clear, I recognize that a great many working dads are doing a terrific job both on the home front and in their professional lives. My concern is that these standouts often aren’t visible to their colleagues; they intentionally or inadvertently let their work as parents fly under the radar. Dads need to be open and honest about family responsibilities to change perceptions in the workplace.

The question “How do you balance it all?” should not be something that’s just asked of women. Frankly, no one can answer that question. Juggling a career and parental responsibilities is tough. At times, really tough.

But it’s something that more parents should be doing together, as a team. This can be a real bonus for the couple relationship as well, because nothing gets in the way of good partnership faster than feelings of inequity.

On the plus side, I can tell you that parenting skills really do get better with practice—and that’s great for people of both sexes. I think our cultural expectations that women are the “nurturers” and men are the “providers” needs to evolve. Expanding these definitions will open the doors to richer contributions from everyone, because women can and should be both—and so should men.

Featured photo credit: NeONBRAND via unsplash.com

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