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3 Lessons on how to be an Attractive Man Influenced by Buddhist Philosophy

3 Lessons on how to be an Attractive Man Influenced by Buddhist Philosophy

What I want to talk about in this article is how my approach to attracting women has been influenced by some of the ideas present in Buddhist teachings.

When you’re reading this article, just make sure to keep an open mind. Just because you don’t consider yourself as a spiritual person doesn’t doesn’t mean you can’t effectively apply these principles. I’ve seen it work to increase sport performance, aid in business success and now, help you with your dating life.

By the end of this article, you’ll learn the following:

  • The secret behind becoming more attractive to those you would like to potentially date
  • How to step out of social conditioning and actually stop caring what other people think
  • How to use the power of silence to your advantage during interactions with women in order to make your interactions more enjoyable for everyone

One last thing to keep in mind: the text you’re going to read includes my interpretation of teachings from the Buddha in order to increase your attractiveness to others. Hence, these lessons aren’t directly tied to Buddhist religious practices or theological teachings, but is rather a personal interpretation. Got it? Lets get to it!

1. “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think…” – The Buddha

If you had to create an image of yourself in your mind, what would that look like? Have you ever wondered why that specific image automatically shows up whenever you ask to see yourself in your mind’s eye?

Lets say that you’re currently happy with your love life, and I asked you to describe to me how you see yourself, would you describe a lonely you or one that is living in abundance? Chances are that if you don’t believe your love life will ever improve, you’ll see yourself as a single and miserable person.

But if you clearly see yourself as someone who is attractive to people and someone who feels that it’s inevitable that this is going to to be the case, would you feel excited and energetic? Most likely!

Lets dig a little deeper and use individuals who became a success as an example of this principle:

When LeBron James was in high school, he was quoted as a freshman saying that he dreamed of being in the NBA. He always saw himself as an NBA player and as a result his work ethic had to reflect his self image. And what ended up happening? He’s in the NBA!

I’m just going to assume that whenever LeBron made a mental image of himself, he saw an NBA player and that image excited him because it felt inevitable. Who wouldn’t be excited about an inevitable destination of greatness?!

How about Arnold Schwarzenegger? What did he see when he thought of himself? In his autobiography, Total Recall, he said that whenever he wanted to achieve something new, he made sure that he saw a clear picture of what he wanted to become. He wanted to become a champion so he made an image of himself being a winner and focused exclusively on that image until its fulfillment. The same principle that made him the greatest body builder of all time helped him become one of the biggest movie stars. To take it even further, he did the same thing and became the Governor of California! That’s right. The Terminator was the Governor of California. Just let that sink in…

Can you notice the trend?

The key to attracting more positive elements and interactions into your life, in this case, interactions and potentially relationships with women, is to first be able to see yourself as someone who effortlessly attracts these kinds of interactions and relationships, and just like it happened to me, the excitement of that vision will move you to take massive action. If you don’t believe it’ll happen for you just find someone who was in the same circumstance and learned how to change their life in this way. You may not get it right the first time, or even the third time, but if you don’t allow the outcome to change the vision you have of yourself, success is inevitable.

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It’s a liberating realization when you know that your life is a reflection of your thoughts.

It’s liberating because in knowing this you know there’s a way out of negative situations, but if you still believe that your past equals your future, then you’re going to feel trapped and never take action.

That’s why I’m able to go out and sometimes have spontaneous romantic interactions with women purely by accident because it all began with a vision of me being able to have these kinds of interactions as I go about my day. I didn’t want to depend on my social circle or chance to bring these kinds of experiences into my life.

The right decision to make was obvious, and as a result, I began to see myself as a man surrounded by great women, as a man who took action, and in no time I began to get experience positive, romantic interactions with women. I had no other choice. The alternative was a pure nightmare.

By commanding your subconscious to make you into a certain person — imagining the person you’re going to have to become — your mind will naturally begin to filter and/or reinterpret experiences that do not supports this vision.

For example, take a second (SERIOUSLY) and do the following:

1. Look around the room and notice everything that’s red.

2. Close your eyes and try and remember anything that was blue.

Chances are that you could barely recall anything that was blue until you opened your eyes and saw that blue was everywhere. Your mind was focused on another goal.

No matter what happens. If you see yourself as someone who’s good at talking with women, you’ll find the lessons in every interaction that will take you closer to being that person you are focused on being.

The Twin Brothers Analogy

Two twins were born into a household of an abusive father. One became a successful business man and the other became a drug addict. Unbeknownst to each other, the twins were asked why they ended up the way they did; they both answered the same way: what else did you expect? I was raised with an abusive father.

One saw themselves as defined as being victim, and the other saw themselves as someone who was able to overcome any obstacle because of their traumatic experiences. Their self image filtered and interpreted the events to fit the person who they envisioned. They were similar on the outside, but completely different on the inside. One produced success. What was the difference? What they thought of themselves.

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Knowing this, are you going to continue saying, “I never was able to talk to girls successfully because I wasn’t born good looking” or are you going to say, “I had to learn how to talk to girls because I wasn’t born good looking?”

2. “Believe nothing. No matter where you read it, or who said it. No matter if I have said it. Unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense” – The Buddha

Ever since we were children, our personalities, values and beliefs were molded by society in such a way that we never question our socially acquired beliefs that been handed down from generation to generation.

In our society the perception of masculinity has been shaped in such a way that we conceptualize men who attract a lot of women as more masculine, and subsequently, more worthy as people. Men are also in a bind because our culture tells us that in order to be attractive to women we have to comply with a superficial value system that says: money, looks and showering women with gifts will make them attracted to you.

Now we have a predicament: the majority of men believe that if they struggle with shyness in interacting with women then this indicates that their worth as men is diminished. But the majority of men are not armed with the necessary skills to meet and attract women because they have a false set of beliefs of how to really attract women. That’s why guys show off to women by showing them how much money they have because that’s what they believe women are focused on.

And because we never questioned our beliefs, we embrace these limiting belief about attracting women and since most men never make it to the point where they can show off what they do have in terms of positive personal characteristics, it causes men to lose confidence because “they don’t measure up”.

The reason why most guys never escape this reality is because, ever since we were children, we were punished whenever we questioned things or challenged common assumptions. Staying quite and docile was rewarded.

On a mass scale, we’ve been wrong about a lot of things in the past — racism, opinions, religion — so could we all be wrong about what it really takes to attract women?

By simply questioning your beliefs, and researching other people who were able to get what you want out of life, you’ll be able to handle the social pressure to ‘stop what you’re doing and come back to reality.’

Why do I have to limit myself to just meeting women through a friend or my social circle? Why do I have to hide the fact that I enjoy going about my day and approaching women I’m attracted to? Why do I feel the need to hide my screen whenever I’m on an online dating site in public?

These are the questions you’ll begin asking yourself when you begin to dictate your own reality and let go of hand-me-down limiting beliefs.

Some people will like the new you, others won’t. But who cares really? You’re free, my man!

3. “It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you…”

The best advice I’ve ever gotten about meeting women was, “don’t game her, game yourself”. In other words, don’t do things to get a reaction out of her; do things to get a reaction from yourself.

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Don’t measure success on the outcome, whether or not you acquired her phone number, because the majority of the time you won’t. Take back control of your life and measure success on something you actually can control: your emotional reaction.

If you’re asking yourself these questions before approaching a women, you’re focusing on gaming her:

“hmm, how can I approach that chick?”

“what can I say that will make her laugh?”

But if you’re focusing on gaming yourself, you’re going to be asking yourself the following questions:

“Hmmm, how can I approach that girl and have fun while I’m at it?”

“What can I do or say that’ll make myself laugh?”

If you say a joke, the intention behind telling her the joke is not solely meant to make her laugh, but to make yourself laugh.

You’re focusing on pumping up your own state rather than focusing on making her laugh because ‘that’s what girls do when they like a guy’.

People are drawn to fun whenever they know that their participation isn’t needed. Being at a bad party is bad enough, but being the only one who came is even worse because leaving will break the host’s little heart.

It may sound silly, but as soon I began focusing on making myself laugh, I noticed women became more attracted to me. They gave me the look of “I don’t know what to think of this guy, but this dude’s fun”; they were offering to give me their numbers and looking forward to interacting with me again.

“Do not speak, unless it improves silence” -The Buddha

Do not resist the natural silence that occurs whenever you interact with women. There are times when both parties have nothing to say, and it feels awkward.

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Guys naturally attempt to break the awkward silence by saying something. That’s perfectly normal.

But there are times when silence can be good, and learning to embrace the silence shows how confident you are as a person.

In the past, whenever there was silence between me and a woman, my instinct was to break eye contact and think of something to say. She would also go into her head and begin to think logically (not good for creating attraction) of what to say next.

What I wish I knew back then was that that if I just learned to relax into the pressure of trying to fix the silence and maintain eye contact; the woman would follow my lead and relax as well. When two people are able to feel comfortable in silence, it’s always a sign that they have some sort of connection.

If there’s an awkward silence and she looks around because she feels awkward, just tell her to look at you and then smile. I prefer to get her attention with a “Hey!”, tell her to hold my hand and hold eye contact.

This is what I genuinely do because I’m naturally a very touchy and caring person. For example, this is what I would do if a loved one was going through a tough time.

Let her talk more and speak less

Another interpretation of this quote is to speak less and let her speak as much as she wants.

Most guys speak more in order to show how cool they are. Don’t do that. Leave some mystery on the side.

What I try to do is limit the amount of “cool” things (even though it isn’t much) that I’ll say about myself and get her to talk more.

There are four reasons why you should talk less:

  1. It gets you out of the habit of saying things just to impress her and you’ll learn to finally listen. FINALLY!!!!
  2. Saying less will reduce the chance of screwing up (even though it doesn’t really matter), and it gives you a mysterious vibe.
  3. Since she’s talking about herself and her passions which are associated with positive emotions, whenever she thinks back on the interaction, the associations she’ll have with you are linked up with positive emotions. Her attraction will be made up of raw emotions.
  4. By speaking less, you’ll be perceived as more mysterious, and the likelihood of her being extra curious about you increases.

Don’t be one of those guys and take it literal like, “So you mean don’t add to the conversation and don’t say anything about myself, right? Right?!” No, if she’s obviously interested in you, talk, man! Just learn to be curious, shut up and listen.

Conclusion

I could go on forever because there are COUNTLESS other lessons I’ve learned from Buddhism that helped me in meeting and attracting women.

But just remember the following:

  • Perception is reality. Change your mind, change your life. Change how you see yourself in your mind’s eye first and then take action.
  • Question everything! Just because we’ve been right about a few things in the past doesn’t mean we’re currently right about everything.
  • Develop your own opinions and don’t be afraid to go against the grain. If you feel like doing something but some people in your life are not going to like it, ignore them! You only live once.
  • Focus on gaming yourself and stop focusing on getting a reaction out of her
  • Become comfortable with silence. It’s OK if there’s an awkward silence. Just observe the reaction inside of you, relax into it and practice being comfortable in silence. You can also use silence as a tool to create attraction by intentionally inputting some awkward silences during the interaction just to self amuse yourself. Silence is your friend, my friend.

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Last Updated on August 19, 2019

How to Be True to Yourself and Live the Life You Want

How to Be True to Yourself and Live the Life You Want

We live in a world that constantly tells us what to do, how to act, what to be. Knowing how to be true to yourself and live the life you want can be a challenge.

When someone asks how we are, we assume that the person does not mean the question sincerely, for it would lead to an in depth conversation. So telling them that you are good or fine, even if you’re not, is the usual answer.

In an ideal world, we would stop and truly listen. We wouldn’t be afraid to be ourselves. Instead, when we answer about how we are doing, our mask, the persona we show the world, tightens. Sometimes even more so than it might have been before. Eventually, it becomes hard to take off, even when you’re alone.

Imagine a world where we asked how someone was doing and they really told us. Imagine a world where there were no masks, only transparency when we talked to one another.

If you want to live in a world that celebrates who you are, mistakes and all, take off the mask. It doesn’t mean you have to be positive or fine all the time.

According to a Danish psychologist, Svend Brinkman, we expect each other to be happy and fine every second, and we expect it of ourselves. And that “has a dark side.”[1] Positive psychology can have its perks but not at the expense at hiding how you truly feel in order to remain seemingly positive to others.

No one can feel positive all the time and yet, that is what our culture teaches us to embrace. We have to unlearn this. That said, telling others you are ‘“fine”’ all the time is actually detrimental to your wellbeing, because it stops you from being assertive, from being authentic or your truest self.

When you acknowledge a feeling, it leads you to the problem that’s causing that feeling; and once you identify the problem, you can find a solution to it. When you hide that feeling, you stuff it way down so no one can help you.You can’t even help yourself.

Feelings are there for one reason: to be felt. That doesn’t mean you have to act on that feeling. It just means that you start the process of problem solving so you can live the life you want.

1. Embrace Your Vulnerability

When you are your true self, you can better self-advocate or stand up for what you need. Your self-expression matters, and you should value your voice. It’s okay to need things, it’s okay to speak up, and it’s okay not to be okay.

Telling someone you are simply “fine” when you are not, does your story and your journey a great disservice. Being true to yourself entails embracing all aspects of your existence.

When you bring your whole self to the table, there is nothing that you can’t beat. Here’re 7 benefits of being vulnerable you should learn.

Can you take off the mask? This is the toughest thing anyone can do. We have learned to wait until we are safe before we start to be authentic.

In relationships especially, this can be hard. Some people avoid vulnerability at any cost. And in our relationship with ourselves, we can look in the mirror and immediately put on the mask.

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It all starts with your story. You have been on your own unique journey. That journey has led you here, to the person you are today. You have to be unafraid, and embrace all aspects of that journey.

You should seek to thrive, not just survive. That means you do not have to compete or compare yourself with anyone.

Authenticity means you are enough. It’s enough to be who you are to get what you want.

What if for the first time ever, you were real? What if you said what you wanted to say, did what you wanted to do, and didn’t apologize for it?

You were assertive, forthcoming in your opinions or actions to stand for what is right for you, (rather than being passive or aggressive) in doing so. You didn’t let things get to you. You knew you had something special to offer.

That’s where we all should be.

So, answer me this:

How are you, really?

And know that no matter the answer, you should still be accepted.

Bravery is in the understanding that you still may not be accepted for your truth.

Bravery is knowing you matter even when others say that you do not.

Bravery is believing in yourself when all evidence counters doing so (i.e. past failures or losses)

Bravery is in being vulnerable while knowing vulnerability is a sign of strength.

It’s taking control.

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2. Choose Your Attitude in Adversity

You can take control of your destiny and live the life you want by being true to yourself. You can start anytime. You can start today.

You can start with one day at a time, just facing what happens that day. Most of us get overwhelmed when faced with the prospect of a big change. Even if the only thing we change is our attitude.

In one instant, you can become a different person with a change of attitude. When you take control of your attitude, you become able to better understand what is around you. This allows you to move forward.

Originally, you may have had a life plan. It could have started when you were little; you were hoping to become a mermaid, doctor, astronaut or all three when you grew up. You were hoping to be someone. You were hoping to be remembered.

You can still dream those dreams, but eventually reality sets in. Obstacles and struggles arise. You set on a different path when the last one didn’t work out. You think of all the “shoulds” in your life in living the life you want. You should be doing this…should be doing that…

Clayton Barbeau, psychologist, coined the term “shoulding yourself.’[2] When we are set on one path and find ourselves doing something different. It becomes all the things you should be doing rather than seeing the opportunities right in front of you.

But in all this disarray, did you lose sight of the real you?

It may be in our perceived failures and blunders that we lose sight of who we are, because we try to maintain position and status.

In being who we really are and achieving what we really want, we need to be resilient: How to Build Resilience to Face What Life Throws at You

It means that we do not see all possibilities of what might happen, but must trust ourselves to begin again, and continue to build the life we want. In the face of adversity, you must choose your attitude.

Can attitude overcome adversity? It certainly helps. While seeking to be true to yourself and live the life you want, you will have to face a fact:

Change will happen.

Whether that change is good or bad is unique to each person and their perspective.

You might have to start over, once, twice, a few times. It doesn’t mean that everything will be okay, but that you will be okay. What remains or should remain is the true you. When you’ve lost sight of that, you’ve lost sight of everything.

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And then, you rebuild. Moment after moment, day after day. We all have a choice, and in this moment, that matters.

You can choose to have a positive attitude, seeing the silver lining in each situation and, where there is none, the potential for one. Maybe that silver lining is you and what you will do with the situation. How will you use it for something good?

That’s how you can tap into yourself and your power. Sometimes it happens by accident, sometimes on purpose. It can happen when we aren’t even looking for it, or it can be your only focus. Everyone gets there differently.

You can rise, or you can remain. Your choice.

When the worst happens, you can rely on your authenticity to pull you through. That’s because Self Advocacy, speaking up to let others know what you need, is part of finding the real you.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help. Or sometimes, helping others can help us deal with the pain of a hurtful situation. You decide how you’re going to help others, and suddenly, you become your best self.

3. Do What Makes You Happy When No One’s Looking

Being the best version of you has nothing to do with your success or your status. It has everything to do with your Character, what you do when no one’s looking.

In order to create the life you want, you have to be the person you want to be. Faking it till you make it is just a way to white knuckle it through your journey. You have the fire inside of you to make things right, to put the pieces together, to live authentically. And Character is how you get there.

If you fall down and you help another up while you’re down there, it’s like you rise twice.

Along with attitude, your character is about the choices you make rather than what happens to you.

Yes, it’s about doing the right thing even when obstacles seem insurmountable.  It’s about using that mountain you’ve been given to show others it can be moved.  It’s about being unapologetically you, taking control, choosing your attitude in adversity and being the best version of you to create the life you want.

How do you know what you really want? Is it truly status or success?

Unfortunately, these things do not always bring happiness. And aspects of our image or “performance driven existence” may not achieve satisfaction. Materialism is part of our refusal to accept ourselves as enough. All the things we use to repress our true selves are about being enough.

“Enoughness” is what we truly seek, but ego gets in the way.

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Ego is the perception of self as outer worth. It’s not REAL self worth.

Ego represses our true self with a new self— the self of chasing ‘“Am I ever enough?”’ questions. And instead of filling our true selves with self-love and acceptance, when we “should ourselves” and chase “enoughness,” we feed the ego or our image.

It’s important to realize YOU ARE ENOUGH, without all the material trappings.

Stanford psychologist Meagan O’Reilly describes the damage of not thinking we are enough. One of her tactics for combating this is to complete the sentence,[3]

“If I believed I were already enough, I’d ____”

What would you do if you felt you were enough?

By believing you are enough, you can live the life you want.

So many fake it to try to get there, and they end up losing themselves when they lose more and more touch with their Authenticity.

Final Thoughts

By being yourself, you are being brave. By acknowledging all you can be, you tell the universe that you can until you believe it too. The steps are easy, and you are worth it. All of it is about the purpose you are leading and the passion that is your fuel.

Being true to yourself is all about mastering how to live life authentically rather than faking or forcing it. Having the life you want (and deserve) is about being trusting in yourself and the purpose you are living for. Both need passion behind it, fueling it each second, or you will experience burn out.

When you are authentic, you can call the road you walk your own. When you live your life for you and not just the results of all your actions (faking it till you make it), you can let go of what you don’t need. This clarifies and pushes purpose to you, living for something that is greater than you.

You will find that making decisions based on what will actually achieve your goals, will help you attain the life you want, and your success with each step, will allow you to enjoy the process. Good luck!

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Featured photo credit: Ariana Prestes via unsplash.com

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