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3 Lessons on how to be an Attractive Man Influenced by Buddhist Philosophy

3 Lessons on how to be an Attractive Man Influenced by Buddhist Philosophy

What I want to talk about in this article is how my approach to attracting women has been influenced by some of the ideas present in Buddhist teachings.

When you’re reading this article, just make sure to keep an open mind. Just because you don’t consider yourself as a spiritual person doesn’t doesn’t mean you can’t effectively apply these principles. I’ve seen it work to increase sport performance, aid in business success and now, help you with your dating life.

By the end of this article, you’ll learn the following:

  • The secret behind becoming more attractive to those you would like to potentially date
  • How to step out of social conditioning and actually stop caring what other people think
  • How to use the power of silence to your advantage during interactions with women in order to make your interactions more enjoyable for everyone

One last thing to keep in mind: the text you’re going to read includes my interpretation of teachings from the Buddha in order to increase your attractiveness to others. Hence, these lessons aren’t directly tied to Buddhist religious practices or theological teachings, but is rather a personal interpretation. Got it? Lets get to it!

1. “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think…” – The Buddha

If you had to create an image of yourself in your mind, what would that look like? Have you ever wondered why that specific image automatically shows up whenever you ask to see yourself in your mind’s eye?

Lets say that you’re currently happy with your love life, and I asked you to describe to me how you see yourself, would you describe a lonely you or one that is living in abundance? Chances are that if you don’t believe your love life will ever improve, you’ll see yourself as a single and miserable person.

But if you clearly see yourself as someone who is attractive to people and someone who feels that it’s inevitable that this is going to to be the case, would you feel excited and energetic? Most likely!

Lets dig a little deeper and use individuals who became a success as an example of this principle:

When LeBron James was in high school, he was quoted as a freshman saying that he dreamed of being in the NBA. He always saw himself as an NBA player and as a result his work ethic had to reflect his self image. And what ended up happening? He’s in the NBA!

I’m just going to assume that whenever LeBron made a mental image of himself, he saw an NBA player and that image excited him because it felt inevitable. Who wouldn’t be excited about an inevitable destination of greatness?!

How about Arnold Schwarzenegger? What did he see when he thought of himself? In his autobiography, Total Recall, he said that whenever he wanted to achieve something new, he made sure that he saw a clear picture of what he wanted to become. He wanted to become a champion so he made an image of himself being a winner and focused exclusively on that image until its fulfillment. The same principle that made him the greatest body builder of all time helped him become one of the biggest movie stars. To take it even further, he did the same thing and became the Governor of California! That’s right. The Terminator was the Governor of California. Just let that sink in…

Can you notice the trend?

The key to attracting more positive elements and interactions into your life, in this case, interactions and potentially relationships with women, is to first be able to see yourself as someone who effortlessly attracts these kinds of interactions and relationships, and just like it happened to me, the excitement of that vision will move you to take massive action. If you don’t believe it’ll happen for you just find someone who was in the same circumstance and learned how to change their life in this way. You may not get it right the first time, or even the third time, but if you don’t allow the outcome to change the vision you have of yourself, success is inevitable.

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It’s a liberating realization when you know that your life is a reflection of your thoughts.

It’s liberating because in knowing this you know there’s a way out of negative situations, but if you still believe that your past equals your future, then you’re going to feel trapped and never take action.

That’s why I’m able to go out and sometimes have spontaneous romantic interactions with women purely by accident because it all began with a vision of me being able to have these kinds of interactions as I go about my day. I didn’t want to depend on my social circle or chance to bring these kinds of experiences into my life.

The right decision to make was obvious, and as a result, I began to see myself as a man surrounded by great women, as a man who took action, and in no time I began to get experience positive, romantic interactions with women. I had no other choice. The alternative was a pure nightmare.

By commanding your subconscious to make you into a certain person — imagining the person you’re going to have to become — your mind will naturally begin to filter and/or reinterpret experiences that do not supports this vision.

For example, take a second (SERIOUSLY) and do the following:

1. Look around the room and notice everything that’s red.

2. Close your eyes and try and remember anything that was blue.

Chances are that you could barely recall anything that was blue until you opened your eyes and saw that blue was everywhere. Your mind was focused on another goal.

No matter what happens. If you see yourself as someone who’s good at talking with women, you’ll find the lessons in every interaction that will take you closer to being that person you are focused on being.

The Twin Brothers Analogy

Two twins were born into a household of an abusive father. One became a successful business man and the other became a drug addict. Unbeknownst to each other, the twins were asked why they ended up the way they did; they both answered the same way: what else did you expect? I was raised with an abusive father.

One saw themselves as defined as being victim, and the other saw themselves as someone who was able to overcome any obstacle because of their traumatic experiences. Their self image filtered and interpreted the events to fit the person who they envisioned. They were similar on the outside, but completely different on the inside. One produced success. What was the difference? What they thought of themselves.

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Knowing this, are you going to continue saying, “I never was able to talk to girls successfully because I wasn’t born good looking” or are you going to say, “I had to learn how to talk to girls because I wasn’t born good looking?”

2. “Believe nothing. No matter where you read it, or who said it. No matter if I have said it. Unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense” – The Buddha

Ever since we were children, our personalities, values and beliefs were molded by society in such a way that we never question our socially acquired beliefs that been handed down from generation to generation.

In our society the perception of masculinity has been shaped in such a way that we conceptualize men who attract a lot of women as more masculine, and subsequently, more worthy as people. Men are also in a bind because our culture tells us that in order to be attractive to women we have to comply with a superficial value system that says: money, looks and showering women with gifts will make them attracted to you.

Now we have a predicament: the majority of men believe that if they struggle with shyness in interacting with women then this indicates that their worth as men is diminished. But the majority of men are not armed with the necessary skills to meet and attract women because they have a false set of beliefs of how to really attract women. That’s why guys show off to women by showing them how much money they have because that’s what they believe women are focused on.

And because we never questioned our beliefs, we embrace these limiting belief about attracting women and since most men never make it to the point where they can show off what they do have in terms of positive personal characteristics, it causes men to lose confidence because “they don’t measure up”.

The reason why most guys never escape this reality is because, ever since we were children, we were punished whenever we questioned things or challenged common assumptions. Staying quite and docile was rewarded.

On a mass scale, we’ve been wrong about a lot of things in the past — racism, opinions, religion — so could we all be wrong about what it really takes to attract women?

By simply questioning your beliefs, and researching other people who were able to get what you want out of life, you’ll be able to handle the social pressure to ‘stop what you’re doing and come back to reality.’

Why do I have to limit myself to just meeting women through a friend or my social circle? Why do I have to hide the fact that I enjoy going about my day and approaching women I’m attracted to? Why do I feel the need to hide my screen whenever I’m on an online dating site in public?

These are the questions you’ll begin asking yourself when you begin to dictate your own reality and let go of hand-me-down limiting beliefs.

Some people will like the new you, others won’t. But who cares really? You’re free, my man!

3. “It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you…”

The best advice I’ve ever gotten about meeting women was, “don’t game her, game yourself”. In other words, don’t do things to get a reaction out of her; do things to get a reaction from yourself.

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Don’t measure success on the outcome, whether or not you acquired her phone number, because the majority of the time you won’t. Take back control of your life and measure success on something you actually can control: your emotional reaction.

If you’re asking yourself these questions before approaching a women, you’re focusing on gaming her:

“hmm, how can I approach that chick?”

“what can I say that will make her laugh?”

But if you’re focusing on gaming yourself, you’re going to be asking yourself the following questions:

“Hmmm, how can I approach that girl and have fun while I’m at it?”

“What can I do or say that’ll make myself laugh?”

If you say a joke, the intention behind telling her the joke is not solely meant to make her laugh, but to make yourself laugh.

You’re focusing on pumping up your own state rather than focusing on making her laugh because ‘that’s what girls do when they like a guy’.

People are drawn to fun whenever they know that their participation isn’t needed. Being at a bad party is bad enough, but being the only one who came is even worse because leaving will break the host’s little heart.

It may sound silly, but as soon I began focusing on making myself laugh, I noticed women became more attracted to me. They gave me the look of “I don’t know what to think of this guy, but this dude’s fun”; they were offering to give me their numbers and looking forward to interacting with me again.

“Do not speak, unless it improves silence” -The Buddha

Do not resist the natural silence that occurs whenever you interact with women. There are times when both parties have nothing to say, and it feels awkward.

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Guys naturally attempt to break the awkward silence by saying something. That’s perfectly normal.

But there are times when silence can be good, and learning to embrace the silence shows how confident you are as a person.

In the past, whenever there was silence between me and a woman, my instinct was to break eye contact and think of something to say. She would also go into her head and begin to think logically (not good for creating attraction) of what to say next.

What I wish I knew back then was that that if I just learned to relax into the pressure of trying to fix the silence and maintain eye contact; the woman would follow my lead and relax as well. When two people are able to feel comfortable in silence, it’s always a sign that they have some sort of connection.

If there’s an awkward silence and she looks around because she feels awkward, just tell her to look at you and then smile. I prefer to get her attention with a “Hey!”, tell her to hold my hand and hold eye contact.

This is what I genuinely do because I’m naturally a very touchy and caring person. For example, this is what I would do if a loved one was going through a tough time.

Let her talk more and speak less

Another interpretation of this quote is to speak less and let her speak as much as she wants.

Most guys speak more in order to show how cool they are. Don’t do that. Leave some mystery on the side.

What I try to do is limit the amount of “cool” things (even though it isn’t much) that I’ll say about myself and get her to talk more.

There are four reasons why you should talk less:

  1. It gets you out of the habit of saying things just to impress her and you’ll learn to finally listen. FINALLY!!!!
  2. Saying less will reduce the chance of screwing up (even though it doesn’t really matter), and it gives you a mysterious vibe.
  3. Since she’s talking about herself and her passions which are associated with positive emotions, whenever she thinks back on the interaction, the associations she’ll have with you are linked up with positive emotions. Her attraction will be made up of raw emotions.
  4. By speaking less, you’ll be perceived as more mysterious, and the likelihood of her being extra curious about you increases.

Don’t be one of those guys and take it literal like, “So you mean don’t add to the conversation and don’t say anything about myself, right? Right?!” No, if she’s obviously interested in you, talk, man! Just learn to be curious, shut up and listen.

Conclusion

I could go on forever because there are COUNTLESS other lessons I’ve learned from Buddhism that helped me in meeting and attracting women.

But just remember the following:

  • Perception is reality. Change your mind, change your life. Change how you see yourself in your mind’s eye first and then take action.
  • Question everything! Just because we’ve been right about a few things in the past doesn’t mean we’re currently right about everything.
  • Develop your own opinions and don’t be afraid to go against the grain. If you feel like doing something but some people in your life are not going to like it, ignore them! You only live once.
  • Focus on gaming yourself and stop focusing on getting a reaction out of her
  • Become comfortable with silence. It’s OK if there’s an awkward silence. Just observe the reaction inside of you, relax into it and practice being comfortable in silence. You can also use silence as a tool to create attraction by intentionally inputting some awkward silences during the interaction just to self amuse yourself. Silence is your friend, my friend.

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Last Updated on December 9, 2019

What Makes a Good Leader: 10 Critical Leadership Qualities

What Makes a Good Leader: 10 Critical Leadership Qualities

The word “leader” makes you think of people in charge. High-ranking people – your boss, politicians, presidents, CEOs…

But leadership really isn’t about a particular position or a person’s seniority. Just because someone has worked for many years doesn’t mean he has gained the qualities and skills to lead a team.

Getting promoted to a managerial position doesn’t automatically turn you into a leader either. CEOs and other high-ranking officials don’t always have great leadership skills.

So what makes a good leader? What are the characteristics of a leader?

Good leadership is about acquiring and honing skills. Leadership skills enable you to be a role model for a team in any environment. With great leadership qualities, successful leaders come in all shapes and sizes: in the home, at school, or at the workplace.

The following is a list of characteristics of a leader who successfully leads a great team:

1. Stay Positive, Even in the Worst Situations

Great leaders know that they won’t have a happy and motivated team unless they themselves exhibit a positive attitude. This can be done by remaining positive when things go wrong and, by creating a relaxed and happy atmosphere in the workplace.

Even some simple things like providing cupcakes or beers on Fridays can make the world of difference. An added perk is that team members are likely to work harder and do overtime when needed if they’re happy and appreciated.

Even in the worst situations such as experiencing low team morale or team members having made a big mistake at work, a great leader stays positive and figure out ways to keep the team motivated to solve the problems.

Walt Disney (1901-1966), had his share of hardships and challenges; and like any great leader, he managed to stay positive and find new opportunities. In 1928, Disney found that his film producer, Charles Mintz, wanted to reduce his payments for the Oswald series. Mintz threatened to cut ties entirely if Disney didn’t accept his terms, and Disney chose to part ways. But in leaving Oswald, Disney decided to create something new: the iconic Mickey Mouse.

    What Can You Learn from Walt Disney?

    Break down huge challenges into smaller ones and find ways to tackle them one by one.

    Think about the lessons you can learn from the mistake and jot them down — Because sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

    2. Exhibit Confidence Everywhere

    All great leaders have to exhibit an air of confidence if they’re going to succeed. Please don’t confuse this with self-satisfaction and arrogance. You want people to look up to you for inspiration, not so they can punch you in the face.

    Confidence is important because people will be looking to you on how to behave, particularly if things aren’t going 100% right. If you remain calm and poised, team members are far more likely to as well. As a result, morale and productivity will remain high and the problem will be solved more quickly.

    If you panic and give up, they will know immediately and things will simply go down hill from there.

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    Elon Musk is a great example of a leader with confidence. He truly believes that Tesla will be successful, which he has shown many times through his actions. He converted 532,000 stock options at $6.63 each, their value on Dec. 4, 2009, before Tesla went public. It was a hefty bargain considering Tesla’s stock price stood at around $195 per share at that time. He doesn’t apologize for his beliefs and has drawn fire from just about everyone for his political actions.

      What Can You Learn from Elon Musk?

      You can’t instantly become a very confident person, but all the small things you do every day will gradually make you more confident:

      • List 10 things you like about yourself every day (something different every day), and you’ll be more confident about yourself.
      • Work on your strengths, do your best to enhance them.

      3. Have a Sense of Humor

      It’s imperative for any kind of leader to have a sense of humor, particularly when things go wrong. And they will.

      Your team members are going to be looking to you for how to react in a seemingly dire situation. It would probably be best if you weren’t stringing up a noose for yourself in the corner. You need to be able to laugh things off, because if staff morale goes down, so will productivity.

      Establish this environment prior to any kind of meltdown by encouraging humor and personal discussions in the work place.

      As president, Barack Obama exuded confidence and calm during stressful situations. But he was also known for his “dad jokes”,[1] his genuinely funny speeches at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, and appearing on Zack Galifianakis’s Between Two Ferns.[2] Obama’s sense of humor made him grounded, realistic, and honest – no doubt that helped during some tense moments in the White House!

        What Can You Learn from Barak Obama?

        Laugh at yourself. Confident people laugh about their own silly mistakes, others will also trust you more because you’re willing to share your experiences.

        Be observant and learn from the jokes others make. You can also get a lot of inspirations from the internet.

        4. Embrace Failures and Manage Set Backs

        No matter how hard you try to avoid it, failures will happen; that’s okay. You just need to know how to deal with them.

        Great leaders take them in strides. They remain calm and logically think through the situation and utilize their resources. What they don’t do is fall apart and reveal to their team how worried they are, which leads to negative morale, fear and binge-drinking under desks.

        Great leaders do in fact lead, even when they’re faced with setbacks.

        Henry Ford experienced a major setback after designing and improving the Ford Quadricycle. He founded the Detroit Automobile Company in 1899, but the resulting cars they produced did not live up to his standards and were too expensive. The company dissolved in 1901. Ford took this in stride and formed the Henry Ford Company. The sales were slow and the company had financial problems; it wasn’t until 1903 that the Ford Motor Company was successful and put the Ford on the map.

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          What Can You Learn from Walt Disney?

          Get to the root cause of any problem so you can prevent it from happening again and learn from the mistake.

          To do this, use the 5 Whys problem solving framework.

          By asking “why” for 5 times (or more) on why something happened, you can find out the key factor that caused the problem and can find the best solution to tackle the problem.

          You’ll also learn how to prevent this from happening again in the future after finding out a problem’s root cause.

          5. Listen, and Give Feedback

          This is far more complex than it actually sounds. Good communication skills are essential for a great leader. You may very well understand the cave of crazy that is your brain, but that doesn’t mean that you can adequately take the ideas out of it and explain them to someone else.

          The best leaders need to be able to communicate clearly with the people around them. They also need to be able to interpret other people properly and not take what they say personally.

          The Dalai Lama, as a symbol of the unification of the state of Tibet, represents and practices Buddhist values. The Dalai Lama’s leadership is benevolent and aims toward truth and understanding, alongside the other Buddhist precepts. This is a great example for all leaders: if you want to give good directions to others, you have to get feedback from others to understand the situation properly.

            What Can You Learn from Dalai Lama?

            Encourage communication between team members and establishing an open door policy.

            Practice not to interrupt team members when they’re talking.

            Summarize what they say and ask for feedback every time after you have talked about your ideas.

            6. Know How and When to Delegate

            No matter how much you might want to, you can’t actually do everything yourself. Even if you could, in a team environment that would be a terrible idea anyway.

            Good leaders recognize that delegation does more than simply alleviate their own stress levels (although that’s obviously a nice perk). Delegating to others shows that you have confidence in their abilities, which subsequently results in higher morale in the workplace, as well as loyalty from your staff. They want to feel appreciated and trusted.

            Although Steve Jobs is known for focusing in on the smallest of details, he knew how to delegate. By finding, cultivating, and trusting capable team members – like Tim Cook – Jobs was able to make Apple run smoothly, even while he had to be absent for extended periods of time.

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              What Can You Learn from Steve Jobs?

              To know when and how to delegate work to team members, you have to be very familiar with each of them:

              • List out all of their strengths, weaknesses and personalities.
              • Talk with your team members more too to know more about their passion and interests.

              Take a look at this guide and learn more about delegation: How to Delegate Work Effectively (The Definitive Guide for Leaders)

              7. Inspire and Grow People Around

              Any good leader knows how important it is to develop the skills of those around them. The best can recognize those skills early on. Not only will development make work easier as they improve and grow, it will also foster morale. In addition, they may develop some skills that you don’t possess that will be beneficial to the workplace.

              Great leaders share their knowledge with the team and give them the opportunity to achieve. This is how leaders gain their respect and loyalty.

              Pope Francis has been unusually popular with many Catholics and many non-Catholics. His position isn’t totally traditional, which is part of his appeal, but he also has admirable leadership skills. Pope Francis’s TED talk drew attention, because he encouraged leaders to be humble and to demonstrate solidarity with others. This inclusive, kind, and respectful style of leadership is incredibly important for any situation.

                What Can You Learn from Pope Francis?

                Spend time to talk with other team members individually to understand them.

                Find out team members’ current challenges and try to give feedback and encouragement so they will grow and do better.

                8. Take Responsibility and Never Blame Others

                Great leaders know that when it comes to their company, work place or whatever situation they’re in, they need to take personal responsibility for failure. How can they expect employees to hold themselves accountable if they themselves don’t?

                The best leaders don’t make excuses; they take the blame and then work out how to fix the problem as soon as possible. This proves that they’re trustworthy and possess integrity.

                Howard Gillman is the chancellor of UC Irvine. You might have heard of how the university rescinded a bunch of acceptances, and then changed its mind.[3] This past spring, an unusually high number of accepted students decided to matriculate; the school initially responded by rescinding offers over things like missed deadlines. But the college realized this was a mistake and reversed its decision. Gillman and the university accepted responsibility and decided to move past their earlier bad decision.

                  What Can You Learn from Howard Gillman?

                  Ask yourself what you could have done better to prevent this from happening.

                  Take the responsibility and think about what you can do better to prevent this from happening next time.

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                  9. Make Decisions Based on Lessons Learned in the Past

                  It’s safe to say that all great leaders will have to enter unchartered waters at some point during their career (figuratively, of course). Because of this, they have to be able to trust their intuition and draw on past experiences to guide them.

                  Great leaders know that there’s always something to learn from everything they have experienced before. They are able to connect the present challenges with the lessons learned in the past to make decisions and take actions promptly.

                  You can either recall what you’ve learned from your memories, or search from your notes (ideally, a software that you can access anywhere with things well-organized).

                  Warren Buffett, one of the richest people in the world, has mostly made the right calls. But in dealing with huge amounts of money, Buffett has also made several multi-million (and sometimes multi-billion) dollar mistakes. He has stated that buying the company Berkshire Hathaway was his biggest mistake.[4] From that poor choice, he realized that it was unwise to pursue “improvements” and “expansions” in the existing textile industry. Despite mistakes like this, Buffett has invested wisely – and it shows.

                    What Can You Learn from Warren Buffett?

                    Write down lessons you’ve learned from any mistakes you’ve made.

                    Have all the lessons well organized and  when similar things happen again in future, take these lessons as references.

                    10. Lead by Example and Commit to Do the Best

                    Great leaders stick to their commitments and promises, and they are the most committed and hard working ones on the job. All great leaders lead by example.

                    Why should your staff and team members give it their all if you don’t bother to? By proving your own commitment, great leaders will inspire others to do the same, as well as earn their respect and instill a good work ethic.

                    After 15 years of house arrest, Aung San Suu Kyi was voted state counsellor in Myanmar – one of the highest-profile and most powerful positions in the country. She became a symbol of peaceful resistance when she attempted to bring democracy to her country.[5] In the early years of her detention, she was often in solitary confinement. Suu Kyi is a perfect example of committed and belief-driven leadership, which she openly demonstrated during her many years of house arrest.

                      What Can You Learn from Aung San Suu Kyi?

                      Some people learn by observing the way you perform a task, some need more detailed guidelines.

                      So dedicate time to demonstrate your work to team members, let them observe how you do it. Summarize the skills you use and let team members know how you make difficult things work.

                      The Bottom Line

                      Leadership traits are learnable. If you practice consistently, you can be a great leader too.

                      Make small changes your habits when you work with your team – wherever that may be. Most of us aren’t presidents or CEOs.

                      But we all work with other people, and our actions always impact others. This gives every person the chance to develop leadership skills and to stand out from the crowd.

                      More About Leadership

                      Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

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