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3 Lessons on how to be an Attractive Man Influenced by Buddhist Philosophy

3 Lessons on how to be an Attractive Man Influenced by Buddhist Philosophy

What I want to talk about in this article is how my approach to attracting women has been influenced by some of the ideas present in Buddhist teachings.

When you’re reading this article, just make sure to keep an open mind. Just because you don’t consider yourself as a spiritual person doesn’t doesn’t mean you can’t effectively apply these principles. I’ve seen it work to increase sport performance, aid in business success and now, help you with your dating life.

By the end of this article, you’ll learn the following:

  • The secret behind becoming more attractive to those you would like to potentially date
  • How to step out of social conditioning and actually stop caring what other people think
  • How to use the power of silence to your advantage during interactions with women in order to make your interactions more enjoyable for everyone

One last thing to keep in mind: the text you’re going to read includes my interpretation of teachings from the Buddha in order to increase your attractiveness to others. Hence, these lessons aren’t directly tied to Buddhist religious practices or theological teachings, but is rather a personal interpretation. Got it? Lets get to it!

1. “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think…” – The Buddha

If you had to create an image of yourself in your mind, what would that look like? Have you ever wondered why that specific image automatically shows up whenever you ask to see yourself in your mind’s eye?

Lets say that you’re currently happy with your love life, and I asked you to describe to me how you see yourself, would you describe a lonely you or one that is living in abundance? Chances are that if you don’t believe your love life will ever improve, you’ll see yourself as a single and miserable person.

But if you clearly see yourself as someone who is attractive to people and someone who feels that it’s inevitable that this is going to to be the case, would you feel excited and energetic? Most likely!

Lets dig a little deeper and use individuals who became a success as an example of this principle:

When LeBron James was in high school, he was quoted as a freshman saying that he dreamed of being in the NBA. He always saw himself as an NBA player and as a result his work ethic had to reflect his self image. And what ended up happening? He’s in the NBA!

I’m just going to assume that whenever LeBron made a mental image of himself, he saw an NBA player and that image excited him because it felt inevitable. Who wouldn’t be excited about an inevitable destination of greatness?!

How about Arnold Schwarzenegger? What did he see when he thought of himself? In his autobiography, Total Recall, he said that whenever he wanted to achieve something new, he made sure that he saw a clear picture of what he wanted to become. He wanted to become a champion so he made an image of himself being a winner and focused exclusively on that image until its fulfillment. The same principle that made him the greatest body builder of all time helped him become one of the biggest movie stars. To take it even further, he did the same thing and became the Governor of California! That’s right. The Terminator was the Governor of California. Just let that sink in…

Can you notice the trend?

The key to attracting more positive elements and interactions into your life, in this case, interactions and potentially relationships with women, is to first be able to see yourself as someone who effortlessly attracts these kinds of interactions and relationships, and just like it happened to me, the excitement of that vision will move you to take massive action. If you don’t believe it’ll happen for you just find someone who was in the same circumstance and learned how to change their life in this way. You may not get it right the first time, or even the third time, but if you don’t allow the outcome to change the vision you have of yourself, success is inevitable.

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It’s a liberating realization when you know that your life is a reflection of your thoughts.

It’s liberating because in knowing this you know there’s a way out of negative situations, but if you still believe that your past equals your future, then you’re going to feel trapped and never take action.

That’s why I’m able to go out and sometimes have spontaneous romantic interactions with women purely by accident because it all began with a vision of me being able to have these kinds of interactions as I go about my day. I didn’t want to depend on my social circle or chance to bring these kinds of experiences into my life.

The right decision to make was obvious, and as a result, I began to see myself as a man surrounded by great women, as a man who took action, and in no time I began to get experience positive, romantic interactions with women. I had no other choice. The alternative was a pure nightmare.

By commanding your subconscious to make you into a certain person — imagining the person you’re going to have to become — your mind will naturally begin to filter and/or reinterpret experiences that do not supports this vision.

For example, take a second (SERIOUSLY) and do the following:

1. Look around the room and notice everything that’s red.

2. Close your eyes and try and remember anything that was blue.

Chances are that you could barely recall anything that was blue until you opened your eyes and saw that blue was everywhere. Your mind was focused on another goal.

No matter what happens. If you see yourself as someone who’s good at talking with women, you’ll find the lessons in every interaction that will take you closer to being that person you are focused on being.

The Twin Brothers Analogy

Two twins were born into a household of an abusive father. One became a successful business man and the other became a drug addict. Unbeknownst to each other, the twins were asked why they ended up the way they did; they both answered the same way: what else did you expect? I was raised with an abusive father.

One saw themselves as defined as being victim, and the other saw themselves as someone who was able to overcome any obstacle because of their traumatic experiences. Their self image filtered and interpreted the events to fit the person who they envisioned. They were similar on the outside, but completely different on the inside. One produced success. What was the difference? What they thought of themselves.

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Knowing this, are you going to continue saying, “I never was able to talk to girls successfully because I wasn’t born good looking” or are you going to say, “I had to learn how to talk to girls because I wasn’t born good looking?”

2. “Believe nothing. No matter where you read it, or who said it. No matter if I have said it. Unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense” – The Buddha

Ever since we were children, our personalities, values and beliefs were molded by society in such a way that we never question our socially acquired beliefs that been handed down from generation to generation.

In our society the perception of masculinity has been shaped in such a way that we conceptualize men who attract a lot of women as more masculine, and subsequently, more worthy as people. Men are also in a bind because our culture tells us that in order to be attractive to women we have to comply with a superficial value system that says: money, looks and showering women with gifts will make them attracted to you.

Now we have a predicament: the majority of men believe that if they struggle with shyness in interacting with women then this indicates that their worth as men is diminished. But the majority of men are not armed with the necessary skills to meet and attract women because they have a false set of beliefs of how to really attract women. That’s why guys show off to women by showing them how much money they have because that’s what they believe women are focused on.

And because we never questioned our beliefs, we embrace these limiting belief about attracting women and since most men never make it to the point where they can show off what they do have in terms of positive personal characteristics, it causes men to lose confidence because “they don’t measure up”.

The reason why most guys never escape this reality is because, ever since we were children, we were punished whenever we questioned things or challenged common assumptions. Staying quite and docile was rewarded.

On a mass scale, we’ve been wrong about a lot of things in the past — racism, opinions, religion — so could we all be wrong about what it really takes to attract women?

By simply questioning your beliefs, and researching other people who were able to get what you want out of life, you’ll be able to handle the social pressure to ‘stop what you’re doing and come back to reality.’

Why do I have to limit myself to just meeting women through a friend or my social circle? Why do I have to hide the fact that I enjoy going about my day and approaching women I’m attracted to? Why do I feel the need to hide my screen whenever I’m on an online dating site in public?

These are the questions you’ll begin asking yourself when you begin to dictate your own reality and let go of hand-me-down limiting beliefs.

Some people will like the new you, others won’t. But who cares really? You’re free, my man!

3. “It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you…”

The best advice I’ve ever gotten about meeting women was, “don’t game her, game yourself”. In other words, don’t do things to get a reaction out of her; do things to get a reaction from yourself.

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Don’t measure success on the outcome, whether or not you acquired her phone number, because the majority of the time you won’t. Take back control of your life and measure success on something you actually can control: your emotional reaction.

If you’re asking yourself these questions before approaching a women, you’re focusing on gaming her:

“hmm, how can I approach that chick?”

“what can I say that will make her laugh?”

But if you’re focusing on gaming yourself, you’re going to be asking yourself the following questions:

“Hmmm, how can I approach that girl and have fun while I’m at it?”

“What can I do or say that’ll make myself laugh?”

If you say a joke, the intention behind telling her the joke is not solely meant to make her laugh, but to make yourself laugh.

You’re focusing on pumping up your own state rather than focusing on making her laugh because ‘that’s what girls do when they like a guy’.

People are drawn to fun whenever they know that their participation isn’t needed. Being at a bad party is bad enough, but being the only one who came is even worse because leaving will break the host’s little heart.

It may sound silly, but as soon I began focusing on making myself laugh, I noticed women became more attracted to me. They gave me the look of “I don’t know what to think of this guy, but this dude’s fun”; they were offering to give me their numbers and looking forward to interacting with me again.

“Do not speak, unless it improves silence” -The Buddha

Do not resist the natural silence that occurs whenever you interact with women. There are times when both parties have nothing to say, and it feels awkward.

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Guys naturally attempt to break the awkward silence by saying something. That’s perfectly normal.

But there are times when silence can be good, and learning to embrace the silence shows how confident you are as a person.

In the past, whenever there was silence between me and a woman, my instinct was to break eye contact and think of something to say. She would also go into her head and begin to think logically (not good for creating attraction) of what to say next.

What I wish I knew back then was that that if I just learned to relax into the pressure of trying to fix the silence and maintain eye contact; the woman would follow my lead and relax as well. When two people are able to feel comfortable in silence, it’s always a sign that they have some sort of connection.

If there’s an awkward silence and she looks around because she feels awkward, just tell her to look at you and then smile. I prefer to get her attention with a “Hey!”, tell her to hold my hand and hold eye contact.

This is what I genuinely do because I’m naturally a very touchy and caring person. For example, this is what I would do if a loved one was going through a tough time.

Let her talk more and speak less

Another interpretation of this quote is to speak less and let her speak as much as she wants.

Most guys speak more in order to show how cool they are. Don’t do that. Leave some mystery on the side.

What I try to do is limit the amount of “cool” things (even though it isn’t much) that I’ll say about myself and get her to talk more.

There are four reasons why you should talk less:

  1. It gets you out of the habit of saying things just to impress her and you’ll learn to finally listen. FINALLY!!!!
  2. Saying less will reduce the chance of screwing up (even though it doesn’t really matter), and it gives you a mysterious vibe.
  3. Since she’s talking about herself and her passions which are associated with positive emotions, whenever she thinks back on the interaction, the associations she’ll have with you are linked up with positive emotions. Her attraction will be made up of raw emotions.
  4. By speaking less, you’ll be perceived as more mysterious, and the likelihood of her being extra curious about you increases.

Don’t be one of those guys and take it literal like, “So you mean don’t add to the conversation and don’t say anything about myself, right? Right?!” No, if she’s obviously interested in you, talk, man! Just learn to be curious, shut up and listen.

Conclusion

I could go on forever because there are COUNTLESS other lessons I’ve learned from Buddhism that helped me in meeting and attracting women.

But just remember the following:

  • Perception is reality. Change your mind, change your life. Change how you see yourself in your mind’s eye first and then take action.
  • Question everything! Just because we’ve been right about a few things in the past doesn’t mean we’re currently right about everything.
  • Develop your own opinions and don’t be afraid to go against the grain. If you feel like doing something but some people in your life are not going to like it, ignore them! You only live once.
  • Focus on gaming yourself and stop focusing on getting a reaction out of her
  • Become comfortable with silence. It’s OK if there’s an awkward silence. Just observe the reaction inside of you, relax into it and practice being comfortable in silence. You can also use silence as a tool to create attraction by intentionally inputting some awkward silences during the interaction just to self amuse yourself. Silence is your friend, my friend.

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Last Updated on March 30, 2020

What Does Self-Conscious Mean? (And How to Stop Being It)

What Does Self-Conscious Mean? (And How to Stop Being It)

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like your nerves simply couldn’t handle it? Your heart beats fast, you start to sweat, and you feel like all eyes are on you (even if they’re really not). This is just one of the many ways that being self-conscious can rear its ugly head.

You may not even realize you’re self-conscious, and you may be wondering, “What does self-conscious mean?” That’s a good place to start.

This article will define self-consciousness, show how practically everyone has faced it at one point or another, and give you tips to avoid it.

What Does Self-Conscious Mean?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, self-conscious is defined as “conscious of one’s own acts or states as belonging to or originating in oneself.”[1]

Not so bad, right? There’s another definition, though — one that speaks more to what you’re going through: “feeling uncomfortably conscious of oneself as an object of the observation of others.” For those of us who regularly deal with extreme self-consciousness, that second definition sounds about right.

There are many different ways self-consciousness can spring up. You may feel self-conscious around people you know, like your family members or closest friends. You may feel self-conscious at work, even though you spend hours every week around your co-workers. Or you may feel self-conscious when out in public and surrounded by strangers. However, you probably don’t feel self-conscious when you’re home alone.

How to Stop Being Too Self-Conscious

When you’re in the throes of self-consciousness, it’s nearly impossible to remember how to stop feeling that way. That’s why it’s so important to prepare ahead of time, when you’re feeling ready to tackle the problem instead of succumbing to it.

Here are a variety of ways to feel better about yourself and stop thinking about how others see you.

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1. Ask Yourself, “So What?”

One way to banish negative, self-conscious thoughts is to do just that: banish them.

The next time you walk into a room and feel your face getting red, think to yourself, “So what?” How much does it really matter if people don’t like how you look or act? What’s the worst that could happen?

Most of the time, you’ll find that you don’t have a good answer to this question. Then, you can immediately start assigning such thoughts less importance. With self-awareness, you can acknowledge that your negative thoughts are present and realize that you don’t agree with them.[2] They’re just thoughts, after all.

2. Be Honest

A lie that self-consciousness might tell is that there’s one way to act or feel. Honestly, though, everyone else is just figuring life out as well. There isn’t a preferred way to show up to an event, gathering, or public place. What you can do is be honest with your feelings and thoughts.[3]

If you feel offended by something someone says, you don’t have to smile to be polite or laugh to fit in with the crowd. Instead, you can politely say why you disagree or excuse yourself and find a group of people who you relate to better. If you’re nervous, don’t overcompensate by trying to look relaxed and casual — it’ll be obvious you’re putting on a front. Instead, nothing is more endearing than saying, “I’m a little nervous!” to a room of people who probably feel the exact same way.

On the same note, if you don’t understand why someone wants you to do something, question it. You can do this at work, at home, or even with people you don’t know well. Nobody should force you to do something you don’t want to do.

Also, even if you’re willing to do what’s asked of you, there’s nothing wrong with asking for more clarification. People will realize that you’re not a person to be bossed around.

3. Understand Why You’re Struggling at Work

Being self-conscious at work can get in the way of your daily responsibilities, your relationships with co-workers, and even your career as a whole. If you’re facing some sort of conflict but you’re too nervous to speak up, you may be at the whim of what happens to you instead of taking some control.

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If you’re usually confident at work, you may be wondering where this new self-consciousness is coming from. It’s possible that you’re dealing with burnout.[4] Common signs are anxiety, fatigue and distraction, all of which can leave you feeling under-confident.

4. Succeed at Something

When you create success in your life, it’s easier to feel confident[5] and less self-conscious. If you feel self-conscious at work, finish the project that’s been looming over your head. If you feel self-conscious in the gym, complete an advanced workout class.

Exposing yourself to what you’re scared of and then succeeding at it in some way (even just by finishing it) can do wonders for your self-esteem. The more confidence you build, the more likely you are to have more success in the future, which will create a cycle of confidence-building.

5. Treat All of You — Not Just Your Self-Consciousness

Trying to solve your self-consciousness alone may not treat the root of the problem. Instead, take a well-rounded approach to lower your self-consciousness and build confidence in areas where you may struggle.

Even professional counselors are embracing this holistic type of treatment[6] because they feel that the health of the mind and body are inextricably linked. This approach combines physical, spiritual, and psychological components. Common activities and treatments include meditation, yoga, massage, and healthy changes to diet and exercise.

If much of this is new to you, it will pay to give it a try. You never know how it will impact you.

If you’re feeling self-conscious about how your body looks, a massage that makes you feel great could boost your confidence. If you try a new workout, you could have something exciting to talk about the next time you’re in a group setting.

Putting yourself in a new situation and learning that you can get through it with grace can give you the confidence to get through all sorts of events and nerve-wracking moments.

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6. Make the Changes That Are Within Your Control

Let’s say you walk into a room and you’re self-conscious about how you look. However, you may have put a lot of time and effort into your outfit. Even though it may stand out, this is how you have chosen to express yourself.

You have to work on your internal confidence, not your external appearance. There’s nothing to change other than your outlook.

On the other hand, maybe there’s something that you don’t like about yourself that you can change. For example, maybe you hate how a birthmark on your face looks or have varicose veins that you think are unsightly. If you can do something about these things, do it! There’s nothing wrong with changing your appearance (or skills, education, etc.) if it’s going to make you more confident.

You don’t have to accept your current situation for acceptance’s sake. There’s no award for putting up with something you hate. Confidence is also required to make changes that are scary, even if they’re for the better. Plus, it may be an easier fix than you thought. For example, treating varicose veins doesn’t have to involve surgery — sometimes simple compression stockings will take care of the problem.[7]

7. Realize That Everyone Has Awkward Moments

Everyone has said something awkward to someone else and lived to tell the tale. We’ve all forgotten somebody’s name or said, “You too!” when the concession stand girl says to enjoy our movie. Not only are these things uber-common, but they’re not nearly as embarrassing as you feel they are.

Think about how you react when someone else does something awkward. Do you think, “Wow, that person’s such a loser!” or do you think, “What a relief, I’m not the only one who does that.” Chances are good that’s the same reaction others have to you when you stumble.

Remember, self-consciousness is a state of mind that you have control over. You don’t have to feel this way. Do what you need to in order to build your confidence, put your self-consciousness in perspective, and start exercising your “I feel awesome about myself” muscle. It’ll get easier with time.

When Is Being Self-Conscious a Good Thing?

Self-consciousness can sometimes be a good thing[8], but you have to take the awkwardness and nerves out of it.

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In this case, “self-aware” is a much better term. Knowing how you come off to people is an excellent trait; you’ll be able to read a room and understand how what you do and say affects others. These are fantastic skills for people work and personal relationships.

Self-awareness helps you dress appropriately for the occasion, tells you that you’re talking too loud or not loud enough, and guides a conversation so you don’t offend or bore anyone.

It’s not about being someone you’re not — that can actually have adverse effects, just like self-consciousness. Instead, it’s about turning up certain aspects of yourself to perform well in the situation.

Final Thoughts

When you’re self-conscious, you’re constantly battling with yourself in an effort to control how other people view you. You try to change yourself to suit what you think other people want to see.

The truth, though, is that you can’t actually control how other people view you — and you may not even be correct about how they view you in the first place.

Being confident doesn’t happen overnight. Instead, it happens in small steps as you slowly build your confidence and say “no” to your self-consciousness. It also requires accepting that you’re going to feel self-conscious sometimes, and that’s okay.

Sometimes worrying that there is a problem can be more stressful than the problem itself. Feeling bad for feeling self-conscious can be more troublesome than simply feeling it and getting on with the day.

Forgive yourself for being human and make the small changes that will lead to better confidence in the future.

More Tips for Improving Your Self-Esteem

Featured photo credit: Cata via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Merriam-Webster: Self-conscious
[2] Bustle: 7 Tips On How To Stop Feeling Self-Conscious
[3] Marc and Angel: 10 Things to Remember When You Feel Unsure of Yourself
[4] Bostitch: How to Protect Small Businesses From Burnout
[5] Psychology Today: Self-conscious? Get Over It
[6] Wake Forest University: Embracing Holistic Medicine
[7] Center for Vein Restoration: What Causes Venous Ulcers, and How Are They Treated?
[8] Scientific American: The Pros and Cons of Being Self-Aware

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