Advertising

3 Lessons on how to be an Attractive Man Influenced by Buddhist Philosophy

Advertising
3 Lessons on how to be an Attractive Man Influenced by Buddhist Philosophy

What I want to talk about in this article is how my approach to attracting women has been influenced by some of the ideas present in Buddhist teachings.

When you’re reading this article, just make sure to keep an open mind. Just because you don’t consider yourself as a spiritual person doesn’t doesn’t mean you can’t effectively apply these principles. I’ve seen it work to increase sport performance, aid in business success and now, help you with your dating life.

By the end of this article, you’ll learn the following:

  • The secret behind becoming more attractive to those you would like to potentially date
  • How to step out of social conditioning and actually stop caring what other people think
  • How to use the power of silence to your advantage during interactions with women in order to make your interactions more enjoyable for everyone

One last thing to keep in mind: the text you’re going to read includes my interpretation of teachings from the Buddha in order to increase your attractiveness to others. Hence, these lessons aren’t directly tied to Buddhist religious practices or theological teachings, but is rather a personal interpretation. Got it? Lets get to it!

1. “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think…” – The Buddha

If you had to create an image of yourself in your mind, what would that look like? Have you ever wondered why that specific image automatically shows up whenever you ask to see yourself in your mind’s eye?

Lets say that you’re currently happy with your love life, and I asked you to describe to me how you see yourself, would you describe a lonely you or one that is living in abundance? Chances are that if you don’t believe your love life will ever improve, you’ll see yourself as a single and miserable person.

But if you clearly see yourself as someone who is attractive to people and someone who feels that it’s inevitable that this is going to to be the case, would you feel excited and energetic? Most likely!

Lets dig a little deeper and use individuals who became a success as an example of this principle:

When LeBron James was in high school, he was quoted as a freshman saying that he dreamed of being in the NBA. He always saw himself as an NBA player and as a result his work ethic had to reflect his self image. And what ended up happening? He’s in the NBA!

I’m just going to assume that whenever LeBron made a mental image of himself, he saw an NBA player and that image excited him because it felt inevitable. Who wouldn’t be excited about an inevitable destination of greatness?!

How about Arnold Schwarzenegger? What did he see when he thought of himself? In his autobiography, Total Recall, he said that whenever he wanted to achieve something new, he made sure that he saw a clear picture of what he wanted to become. He wanted to become a champion so he made an image of himself being a winner and focused exclusively on that image until its fulfillment. The same principle that made him the greatest body builder of all time helped him become one of the biggest movie stars. To take it even further, he did the same thing and became the Governor of California! That’s right. The Terminator was the Governor of California. Just let that sink in…

Can you notice the trend?

The key to attracting more positive elements and interactions into your life, in this case, interactions and potentially relationships with women, is to first be able to see yourself as someone who effortlessly attracts these kinds of interactions and relationships, and just like it happened to me, the excitement of that vision will move you to take massive action. If you don’t believe it’ll happen for you just find someone who was in the same circumstance and learned how to change their life in this way. You may not get it right the first time, or even the third time, but if you don’t allow the outcome to change the vision you have of yourself, success is inevitable.

Advertising

It’s a liberating realization when you know that your life is a reflection of your thoughts.

It’s liberating because in knowing this you know there’s a way out of negative situations, but if you still believe that your past equals your future, then you’re going to feel trapped and never take action.

That’s why I’m able to go out and sometimes have spontaneous romantic interactions with women purely by accident because it all began with a vision of me being able to have these kinds of interactions as I go about my day. I didn’t want to depend on my social circle or chance to bring these kinds of experiences into my life.

The right decision to make was obvious, and as a result, I began to see myself as a man surrounded by great women, as a man who took action, and in no time I began to get experience positive, romantic interactions with women. I had no other choice. The alternative was a pure nightmare.

By commanding your subconscious to make you into a certain person — imagining the person you’re going to have to become — your mind will naturally begin to filter and/or reinterpret experiences that do not supports this vision.

For example, take a second (SERIOUSLY) and do the following:

1. Look around the room and notice everything that’s red.

2. Close your eyes and try and remember anything that was blue.

Chances are that you could barely recall anything that was blue until you opened your eyes and saw that blue was everywhere. Your mind was focused on another goal.

No matter what happens. If you see yourself as someone who’s good at talking with women, you’ll find the lessons in every interaction that will take you closer to being that person you are focused on being.

The Twin Brothers Analogy

Two twins were born into a household of an abusive father. One became a successful business man and the other became a drug addict. Unbeknownst to each other, the twins were asked why they ended up the way they did; they both answered the same way: what else did you expect? I was raised with an abusive father.

One saw themselves as defined as being victim, and the other saw themselves as someone who was able to overcome any obstacle because of their traumatic experiences. Their self image filtered and interpreted the events to fit the person who they envisioned. They were similar on the outside, but completely different on the inside. One produced success. What was the difference? What they thought of themselves.

Advertising

Knowing this, are you going to continue saying, “I never was able to talk to girls successfully because I wasn’t born good looking” or are you going to say, “I had to learn how to talk to girls because I wasn’t born good looking?”

2. “Believe nothing. No matter where you read it, or who said it. No matter if I have said it. Unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense” – The Buddha

Ever since we were children, our personalities, values and beliefs were molded by society in such a way that we never question our socially acquired beliefs that been handed down from generation to generation.

In our society the perception of masculinity has been shaped in such a way that we conceptualize men who attract a lot of women as more masculine, and subsequently, more worthy as people. Men are also in a bind because our culture tells us that in order to be attractive to women we have to comply with a superficial value system that says: money, looks and showering women with gifts will make them attracted to you.

Now we have a predicament: the majority of men believe that if they struggle with shyness in interacting with women then this indicates that their worth as men is diminished. But the majority of men are not armed with the necessary skills to meet and attract women because they have a false set of beliefs of how to really attract women. That’s why guys show off to women by showing them how much money they have because that’s what they believe women are focused on.

And because we never questioned our beliefs, we embrace these limiting belief about attracting women and since most men never make it to the point where they can show off what they do have in terms of positive personal characteristics, it causes men to lose confidence because “they don’t measure up”.

The reason why most guys never escape this reality is because, ever since we were children, we were punished whenever we questioned things or challenged common assumptions. Staying quite and docile was rewarded.

On a mass scale, we’ve been wrong about a lot of things in the past — racism, opinions, religion — so could we all be wrong about what it really takes to attract women?

By simply questioning your beliefs, and researching other people who were able to get what you want out of life, you’ll be able to handle the social pressure to ‘stop what you’re doing and come back to reality.’

Why do I have to limit myself to just meeting women through a friend or my social circle? Why do I have to hide the fact that I enjoy going about my day and approaching women I’m attracted to? Why do I feel the need to hide my screen whenever I’m on an online dating site in public?

These are the questions you’ll begin asking yourself when you begin to dictate your own reality and let go of hand-me-down limiting beliefs.

Some people will like the new you, others won’t. But who cares really? You’re free, my man!

3. “It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you…”

The best advice I’ve ever gotten about meeting women was, “don’t game her, game yourself”. In other words, don’t do things to get a reaction out of her; do things to get a reaction from yourself.

Advertising

Don’t measure success on the outcome, whether or not you acquired her phone number, because the majority of the time you won’t. Take back control of your life and measure success on something you actually can control: your emotional reaction.

If you’re asking yourself these questions before approaching a women, you’re focusing on gaming her:

“hmm, how can I approach that chick?”

“what can I say that will make her laugh?”

But if you’re focusing on gaming yourself, you’re going to be asking yourself the following questions:

“Hmmm, how can I approach that girl and have fun while I’m at it?”

“What can I do or say that’ll make myself laugh?”

If you say a joke, the intention behind telling her the joke is not solely meant to make her laugh, but to make yourself laugh.

You’re focusing on pumping up your own state rather than focusing on making her laugh because ‘that’s what girls do when they like a guy’.

People are drawn to fun whenever they know that their participation isn’t needed. Being at a bad party is bad enough, but being the only one who came is even worse because leaving will break the host’s little heart.

It may sound silly, but as soon I began focusing on making myself laugh, I noticed women became more attracted to me. They gave me the look of “I don’t know what to think of this guy, but this dude’s fun”; they were offering to give me their numbers and looking forward to interacting with me again.

“Do not speak, unless it improves silence” -The Buddha

Do not resist the natural silence that occurs whenever you interact with women. There are times when both parties have nothing to say, and it feels awkward.

Advertising

Guys naturally attempt to break the awkward silence by saying something. That’s perfectly normal.

But there are times when silence can be good, and learning to embrace the silence shows how confident you are as a person.

In the past, whenever there was silence between me and a woman, my instinct was to break eye contact and think of something to say. She would also go into her head and begin to think logically (not good for creating attraction) of what to say next.

What I wish I knew back then was that that if I just learned to relax into the pressure of trying to fix the silence and maintain eye contact; the woman would follow my lead and relax as well. When two people are able to feel comfortable in silence, it’s always a sign that they have some sort of connection.

If there’s an awkward silence and she looks around because she feels awkward, just tell her to look at you and then smile. I prefer to get her attention with a “Hey!”, tell her to hold my hand and hold eye contact.

This is what I genuinely do because I’m naturally a very touchy and caring person. For example, this is what I would do if a loved one was going through a tough time.

Let her talk more and speak less

Another interpretation of this quote is to speak less and let her speak as much as she wants.

Most guys speak more in order to show how cool they are. Don’t do that. Leave some mystery on the side.

What I try to do is limit the amount of “cool” things (even though it isn’t much) that I’ll say about myself and get her to talk more.

There are four reasons why you should talk less:

  1. It gets you out of the habit of saying things just to impress her and you’ll learn to finally listen. FINALLY!!!!
  2. Saying less will reduce the chance of screwing up (even though it doesn’t really matter), and it gives you a mysterious vibe.
  3. Since she’s talking about herself and her passions which are associated with positive emotions, whenever she thinks back on the interaction, the associations she’ll have with you are linked up with positive emotions. Her attraction will be made up of raw emotions.
  4. By speaking less, you’ll be perceived as more mysterious, and the likelihood of her being extra curious about you increases.

Don’t be one of those guys and take it literal like, “So you mean don’t add to the conversation and don’t say anything about myself, right? Right?!” No, if she’s obviously interested in you, talk, man! Just learn to be curious, shut up and listen.

Conclusion

I could go on forever because there are COUNTLESS other lessons I’ve learned from Buddhism that helped me in meeting and attracting women.

Advertising

But just remember the following:

  • Perception is reality. Change your mind, change your life. Change how you see yourself in your mind’s eye first and then take action.
  • Question everything! Just because we’ve been right about a few things in the past doesn’t mean we’re currently right about everything.
  • Develop your own opinions and don’t be afraid to go against the grain. If you feel like doing something but some people in your life are not going to like it, ignore them! You only live once.
  • Focus on gaming yourself and stop focusing on getting a reaction out of her
  • Become comfortable with silence. It’s OK if there’s an awkward silence. Just observe the reaction inside of you, relax into it and practice being comfortable in silence. You can also use silence as a tool to create attraction by intentionally inputting some awkward silences during the interaction just to self amuse yourself. Silence is your friend, my friend.

More by this author

3 Lessons on how to be an Attractive Man Influenced by Buddhist Philosophy 7 Habits That Will Make Men Attractive How to Stop Being So Damn Needy Around Women Female smoking Science Says This Simple Hack Can Help You Stop Smoking Weed

Trending in Communication

1 10 Signs You Are in a Codependent Relationship (And What To Do About It) 2 I Want To Be Happy: 7 Science-Backed Ways to Find Happiness 3 13 Ways Happy People Think and Feel Differently 4 10 Morning Habits Of Happy People 5 What Makes People Happy? 20 Secrets of “Always Happy” People

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

Advertising
How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

Advertising

  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

Advertising

Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

Advertising

However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

Advertising

Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

Advertising

  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

Reference

Read Next