Advertising
Advertising

15 Things Only People Living With A Health Problem Know

15 Things Only People Living With A Health Problem Know

I used to be that person, the one who was disgustingly fit, annoyingly thin, and perfectly in shape. As a runner, triathlete, and personal trainer, I was the picture of good health. Even though I’d had heart surgery when I was a child, I hadn’t experienced any issues or symptoms since then. Heck, I still I enjoyed my lifestyle, including the occasional overindulgence (PMS chocolate binges, cervezas at sunset by the beach, and 2 a.m. rolled tacos after a night of dancing downtown).

Life was good.

Until my heart decided to go haywire. Suddenly, I was living with a “health condition,” or what some cardiologists refer to as a “critical congenital heart disease.” I was sick. And I wasn’t going to get better. Life, as I knew it, was over. I quickly realized that unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life hiding in the corner of my room, crying, I’d better learn to adapt to my new situation. It’s taken a lot of work, but after meeting a ton of other people like me, here’s what I learned on my journey to acceptance.

1. It is what it is.

Biggest lesson ever: It is what it is. There’s nothing we can do to change the situation, so we might as well accept it and move on. This doesn’t mean we ignore it or even like it. It simply means we choose not to curl up in little balls and cry, nor do we spend hours stressing over it or the outcomes. We’ve realized that’s wasted time and energy that can be used elsewhere. Like on baking chocolate brownies.

2. We’re not faking.

Some days, we feel like crap for no reason. We woke up feeling that way. Or we did laundry, which made us feel awful. Or we took meds, which made us sick. There’s no rhyme or reason why we feel sick, we just do. Hopefully, time, fresh air, a good book, a little nap, or some different medications to counter the first medications will help. Something. Anything. It’s a toss-up and every day is different. Just when you think you’ve figured out our symptoms, or when you believe you know what will help, everything’s probably changed again. Sorry.

Advertising

3. We don’t like being sick.

It may seem like we enjoy the attention or we’re seeking it, or we conveniently get sick at just the right time, but that’s not the case. We know we were fine a few minutes ago, which makes it very suspicious that we’re all of a sudden deathly ill. Since you’re not inside our bodies, we’re certain it’s difficult to understand. It is for us as well. Sometimes anxiety exacerbates our symptoms, which may make it look like we’re trying to get out of things, but that’s not the case. Please believe us.

(By the way, you’ll see this a lot with kids with chronic illnesses. They don’t try to be sick to get out of school or things they don’t want to do, though it may appear that way. Please believe and understand them.)

4. Having a health problem isn’t the same as being sick with a cold or flu.

Being sick sucks no matter what. When you have a bad cold or flu, we feel bad for you. We do. But our chronic illness isn’t the same. We’re not trying to one-up you, we’re just saying our situation isn’t something that will go away in a few days. It’s also not something a nice, warm cup of tea and some Ibuprofen will take care of. We can’t down a shot of NyQuil and be done with it. We need about five meds in the morning just to survive. Thank you for your suggestions, but we’ve probably tried everything. Even the natural stuff.

5. The excuse, “I can’t because I have a doctor’s appointment,” isn’t an excuse.

It’s true. We always have doctor appointments. We’ve had to schedule and reschedule babysitters, change work schedules, rearrange the kids’ sports activities, cancel social plans (what social plans??), and even been laid off from jobs because of the obscene amount of medical appointments, procedures, and surgeries. We’re not complaining. We know we’re lucky to have such good medical care, but it gets old after a while. We’re sure it gets old hearing it, too. “Oh, another doctor appointment? Shocker.”

6. The pharmacy is our second home.

Most people call Starbucks or something cool their second homes.

Advertising

We spend so much time at CVS getting our prescriptions, we figure, “What the hell,” and so we pick up some milk and laundry detergent and bread while we’re there. We spend hundreds of dollars a month for medications, why not add a few things to the bill? Especially chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

7. We might as well be nurses and pharmacists.

All we do is research and read research articles and talk to nurses, physicians, and pharmacists. And then we research some more. We’ve spent years learning about medications and treatments and what does/doesn’t work. We seem to know so much that even you come to us for advice. Yep. We’ve probably considered a change in careers (at least, many of the moms probably have).

8. We always know what to pack for the day.

We’re the ones with the Band Aids, the Tylenol, the Motrin, the baby aspirin, the tweezers, the nausea medicine, the motion sickness medicine, the gauze bandages, the wraps, the emergency blankets, the emesis basin, the tourniquet, the antibiotic ointment, the latex gloves, the antiseptics, the defibrillator, the….God, who knows. Trust us. We have everything anyone needs for an emergency.

You’re welcome.

9. You can’t see our illness.

Unless we’re topless or in a bikini. Yeah, good luck with that.

Advertising

A lot of people have health conditions or chronic conditions that can’t been seen on the outside. For example, my heart is sick. You wouldn’t know unless you saw me walking up a flight of stairs, huffing and puffing. You’d probably think, “Wow, she looks kind of young to be so out of shape.” I’d have to take off my top to show you all my scars from all my recent surgeries for you to know something was wrong. That’s the difficult thing about my illness. Same with my kids. My daughter has only half a working heart. Sometimes we park in a disabled parking spot, either for her or me. People stare, wondering why on earth we have the blue placard hanging from our rearview mirror.

10. Our bodies change.

Having a health condition or chronic illness means accepting our bodies for whatever they decide to do or be—no matter what we do or don’t do. I used to be a freaking triathlete. I ran marathons. I rode in 100-mile bike races. I surfed. I danced ballet. I was phenomenally fit. I rocked a bikini.

And now I don’t do any of the above. I can’t speak for men, but as a woman, this is horrible. Blame it on society. Blame it on the media. Maybe it’s my own fault. I have to work really hard to remember “it is what it is” when it comes to my physical appearance. My body changes all the time. Five pounds up, eight pounds down. Some days strong, some days weak. I can only go with the flow my health decides.

11. Having a health/chronic condition forced us to reevaluate our finances.

The Prada bag, Miu Miu sandals, iPhone, Sushi dinners, yoga classes, and those darn Caramel Frappuccino® Blended Coffees topped with extra whip and more caramel sauce go out the door. We’re now too busy paying co-pays, out-of-network fees, things that aren’t covered, and prescription costs, in addition to covering missed days at work or non-existent paychecks to pay for any extras. We learned long ago to sayonara the fun stuff — movies and dinners and manicures and shopping days.

The good news is it forced us to be more creative and adventurous when it comes to fun. The not-so-great news is sometimes our friends and/or our kids’ friends aren’t as excited about freebie fun, so we often have to say, “No, thanks,” to their invitations to activities that cost money.

Advertising

12. It makes us question who we are and who we’re capable of being.

We have to work hard not to limit ourselves. “It is what it is” must be used correctly so as to accept reality, but not limit ourselves. We must remember we’re still us, we’re still capable of success, we’re talented and have a lot to offer this world. No matter how shitty we feel.

13. We work hard to show our children we’re doing OK.

Sometimes, our health condition scares us. Once in a while, we worry about the future. We hate to think about finances.

I don’t lie to our kids, but I don’t want them to be afraid either. I want them to be strong because they, too, have health issues they will never be rid of. They will have to grow up with heart conditions. They will have to overcome and live “normal” lives. How can they do that if they see their mother falling apart on a daily basis? They won’t. So I don’t. They know what’s up and they also know “It is what it is,” and they’re able to rise above.

14. There are upsides.

That sounds like a crock. But honestly, there are some good things that come of having a chronic health condition. We’ve learned to change our perspectives about a great deal of things. It’s simple with practice.

15. Priorities change. For the better.

Since I’ve gotten sick, I’ve learned to realign my priorities. I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore. Surprisingly, my stress levels have decreased dramatically. My house doesn’t have to be spotless. I don’t have to be the faultless wife and mom, who looks 14 years younger than I am. I don’t feel the need to have perfect children who get the best grades, who do every sport and are involved in every activity. Having health conditions frees all of us from such pressures. We do the best we can do in whatever we choose to do and are a hell of a lot happier.

While I’d never hope for a chronic health condition, I’m stuck with one. It is what it is. I can only learn to live with it and make my life the best it can be.

Featured photo credit: Amy Kellogg via flickr.com

More by this author

Missy Mitchell

Author, Artist, Advocate

20 Things Parents of Critically Ill Children Want You To Know 15 Things Only People Living With A Health Problem Know 10 Things to Pack For Your Child’s Hospital Stay All About The Bass! 7 Amazing Things Happen When You Stop Worrying About Body Size 9 Things Only People With Migraines Would Understand

Trending in Health

1 The Ultimate Exercises to Improve Posture (Simple and Effective) 2 Does Keto Weight Loss Diet Plan Actually Work? 3 9 Best Blood Pressure Monitors You Can Use at Home 4 How to Control Your Thoughts and Be the Master of Your Mind 5 Simple Hacks on How to Relieve Neck Pain Fast (and Naturally)

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on July 10, 2020

How to Take Control of Your Life with Better Boundaries

How to Take Control of Your Life with Better Boundaries

We all have them—those hurtful, frustrating, offensive, manipulative people in our lives. No matter how hard we try to surround ourselves with positive and kind people, there will always be those who will disrespect, insult, berate, and misuse you if we allow them to.

We may, for a variety of reasons, not be able to avoid them, but we can determine how we interact with them and how we allow them to interact with us.

So, how to take control of your life and stop being pushed around?

Learning to set clear firm boundaries with the people in our lives at work and in our personal lives is the best way to protect ourselves from the negative effects of this kind of behavior.

What Boundaries Are (And What They’re Not)

Boundaries are limits

—they are not threats or ultimatums. Boundaries inform or teach. They are not a form of punishment.

Boundaries are firm lines—determined by you—which cannot be crossed by those around you. They are guidelines for how you will allow others to treat you and what kind of behaviors you will expect.

Advertising

Healthy personal boundaries help protect you from physical or emotional pain. You may also need to set firm boundaries at work to ensure you and your time are not disrespected. Don’t allow others to take advantage of your kindness and generosity.

Clear boundaries communicate to others that you demand respect and consideration—that you are willing to stand up for yourself and that you will not be a doormat for anyone. They are a “no trespassing” sign that makes it very clear when a line has been crossed and that there will be consequences for doing so.

Boundaries are not set with the intention of changing other people. They may change how people interact with you, but they are more about enforcing your needs than attempting to change the general behavior and attitude of others.

How to Establish Boundaries and Take Control of Your Life

Here are some ways that you can establish boundaries and take control of your life.

1. Self-Awareness Comes First

Before you can establish boundaries with others, you first need to understand what your needs are.

You are entitled to respect. You have the right to protect yourself from inappropriate or offensive behavior. Setting boundaries is a way of honoring your needs.

To set appropriate boundaries, you need to be clear about what healthy behaviors look like—what healthy relationships look like.

Advertising

You first have to become more aware of your feelings and honest with yourself about your expectations and what you feel is appropriate behavior:

  • Where do you need to establish better boundaries?
  • When do you feel disrespected?
  • When do you feel violated, frustrated, or angered by the behavior of others?
  • In what situations do you feel you are being mistreated or taken advantage of?
  • When do you want to be alone?
  • How much space do you need?

You need to honor your own needs and boundaries before you can expect others to honor them. This allows you to take control of your life.

2. Clear Communication Is Essential

Inform others clearly and directly what your expectations are. It is essential to have clear communication if you want others to respect your boundaries. Explain in an honest and respectful tone what you find offensive or unacceptable.

Many people simply aren’t aware that they are behaving inappropriately. They may never have been taught proper manners or consideration for others.

3. Be Specific but Don’t Blame

Taking a blaming or punishing attitude automatically puts people on the defensive. People will not listen when they feel attacked. It’s part of human nature.

That said, you do not need to overexplain or defend yourself. Boundaries are not open to compromise.

Sample language:

Advertising

  • “You may not…yell or raise your voice to me…”
  • “I need…to be treated with respect…”
  • “It’s not okay when…you take things from my desk without asking…”
  • “I won’t…do your work…cover for you anymore…”
  • “It’s not acceptable when…you ridicule or insult me…”
  • “I am uncomfortable when…you use offensive language”
  • “I will no longer be able to…lend you money…”

Being able to communicate these without sounding accusatory is essential if you want others to respect your boundaries so you can take control of your life.

4. Consequences Are Often Necessary

Determine what the appropriate consequences will be when boundaries are crossed. If it’s appropriate, be clear about those consequences upfront when communicating those boundaries to others.

Follow through. People won’t respect your boundaries if you don’t enforce them.

Standing our ground and forcing consequences doesn’t come easily to us. We want to be nice. We want people to like us, but we shouldn’t have to trade our self-respect to gain friends or to achieve success.

We may be tempted to let minor disrespect slide to avoid conflict, but as the familiar saying goes, “if you give people an inch, they’ll take a mile.”

It’s much easier to address offensive or inappropriate behavior now than to wait until that behavior has gotten completely out of hand.

It’s also important to remember that positive reinforcement is even more powerful than negative consequences. When people do alter the way they treat you, acknowledge it. Let people know that you notice and appreciate their efforts.

Advertising

Final Thoughts

Respect is always a valid reason for setting a boundary. Don’t defend yourself or your needs. Boundaries are often necessary to protect your time, your space, and your feelings. And these are essential if you want to take control of your life.

Start with the easiest boundaries first. Setting boundaries is a skill that needs to be practiced. Enlist support from others if necessary. Inform people immediately when they have crossed the line.

Don’t wait. Communicate politely and directly. Be clear about the consequences and follow them through.

The better you become at setting your own boundaries, the better you become at recognizing and respecting the boundaries of others.

Remember that establishing boundaries is your right. You are entitled to respect. You can’t control how other people behave, but you do have control over the way you allow people to treat you.

Learning to set boundaries is not always easy, but with time, it will become more comfortable. You may eventually find that boundaries become automatic and you no longer need to consciously set them.

They will simply become a natural extension of your self-respect.

Featured photo credit: Thomas Kelley via unsplash.com

Read Next