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Step-By-Step Guide: How To Manage Your Anger

Step-By-Step Guide: How To Manage Your Anger

You don’t feel proud, but sometimes you can’t help it. Anger takes control of the situation and you end up embarrassing yourself in public, or entering in a discussion you didn’t want to. Sometimes it is nobody’s fault, just a series of bad circumstances piling up until the outburst happens. The main point is that you didn’t want to get so mad, but you did. You snapped. And then everything was a mess despite your best try to keep it down.

You have to know that this happens to all of us. Anger is powerful and necessary: it serves a function. But it shouldn’t rule your life. You are in control. Looking into the past has no use, my friend. Take a deep breath and let it go. It is time to focus on doing better the next time anger takes the best of you.

Just a warning: This will require your entire commitment and determination, so if you are expecting a “count ten” or “relax” kind of article, you better move to another one. But if you follow the instructions, I promise that anger will never rule again your life.

1. To Stop the Gun You Need to Know What Is the Trigger

Anger might be more or less accepted, but let’s be honest: it is part of the human behavior. It helps us to understand things that make us feel uncomfortable, threatened or upset. However, how we manage it is our choice.

The first step to assure your victory in this battle is dating your enemy. It is impossible to fight a fear if you don’t know what it is. To know how anger plays you each time you snap, you have to get underneath its skin.

It is vital that you understand why.

Here are repeated patterns that people feel identified with:

  • Have you feel that something was unfair? Probably you have been blamed (even punished) for something you weren’t responsible for.
  • Have you feel you were losing control? Your job was threatened, your partner broke up with you, or a great opportunity passed by.
  • Have you feel physical or emotional pain? A rough discussion or a bad injury that persisted.
  • Have you feel threatened? Somebody criticized your work or said you could do better.

These are common causes to get really stressed out, even mad. Nobody likes not being rewarded for a good job or deal with a messy house when you get home tired. You and I, we both have expectations that need to be fulfilled, and when that is cut short, frustration reveals itself.

Do not underestimate the relevance of this step.

Identifying your triggers is the main key to manage your anger correctly. You are a smart, strong individual and you can do better than a temper tantrum when you don’t get your way. Take a few moments to think about some things that trigger your frustrations: from the way somebody talked to you yesterday to the annoying traffic lights.

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2. Feeding the Wrong Habit

Anger is a habit —not a good one, of course. You might not have thought about it, but the same way that as soon as you wake up you [get dressed / brush your teeth / drink a glass of water whatever that applies], when you see something that doesn’t fit your expectations, anger skyrockets.

Take a quick look to these habits:

  • Waking up is the trigger  brushing your teeth is the reaction — fresh sensation in your mouth is your reward.
  • A sudden twist of your plans is the trigger — anger is the reaction  releasing the frustration through a tantrum is your reward.
  • The alarm is the trigger — hitting the snooze is the reaction — having 5 more minutes to sleep off is the reward.

And we love those 5 more minutes.

Habits, no matter how complicated they are, are always constructed by these three basic elements. The problem is that you have interiorized anger as your natural reaction and you no longer think about it: that is the tricky aspect of habits.

Charles Duhigg does a great job explaining habits’ formation and how they rule our lives on The Power of Habit. It is a simple process that if you conquer today, will give you an incredible power and control over your own decisions. Habits are a loop of actions and reactions you perform unconsciously. Master your awareness and you will triumph over your habits —and of course, over your anger.

Here is a simple exercise:

If you have already identified some of your triggers, fill up the blanks to get a bigger picture. This will help you to clarify the process and move to the next step.

[blank] is my trigger  [blank] is my reaction  [blank] is my reward

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3. Breaking the Chain of Reactions

Once you are aware about how your habit looks like, it is time to change it. And here is where it gets awkward. Bear with me. You and I have heard thousands of times “relax”, “count until 10”, etc. All lies.

Let’s face it: when your anger gets to the dangerous point of a boiling pot, there are not many chances to stop it. Relaxing techniques work when you are able to realize you are getting into a hazardous area, not when you are already in it. That is about awareness and it takes longer to master.

So instead of trying to breathe and take control over the situation —which you have failed to do hundreds of time—, try to do something absolutely radical.

Don’t think: Just do it.

  • Shut up, stand up and jump.
  • Tell a bad joke.
  • Sing a song.

Yes, you read me well. Do something absolutely ridiculous and not related.

Don’t call me crazy yet. What we are doing here is breaking a habit right in the middle of its process.

The faster way to stop your next fight is link a completely different reaction to the habit. When you are about to break down, I promise that if you switch what you are doing before (or even during) letting the anger out, all the hard feelings will go away in a second. However, don’t leave the situation. You are not avoiding it, just cutting the habit.

You might feel embarrassed but the frustration will automatically cease because in the end, we are more in control of it than we like to think. Next time, you will remember the feeling and your frustration will slow down. If you don’t believe me, give it a shoot and come back later amazed by its effect.

You might be wondering…

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If it works, why nobody is doing this?

Easy: they focus on the wrong strategy.

Many people believe that if you acquire a deeper understanding on how your anger works, you will be able to stop it by snapping your fingers. “Let’s dig into the root of the problem!

There are only two ways to change your behavior: you avoid the trigger or you switch the reaction. I want you to understand this because my goal is that you regain control. I am not trying to “stop” anger since it is a natural feeling —and a useful one. I am preventing you from letting it get to your nerves and rule your life.

Once you have cut the process several times, you will be able to discern the moments before anger drives you completely nuts. That is the point you want to achieve. Then, you will be able to take it easy and act rationally.

4. Letting the Anger Go Away

People say that one shouldn’t let the anger out, but if you don’t get rid of it eventually it will be more harmful.

This doesn’t mean you have to yell or create an uncomfortable silence: there are ways to let it out without making a scene that actually help to tame your temper. Getting upset is a sign that something is not going as you expected and that generates frustration. It is a natural warning sign.

Sometimes, the frustration grows so fast that it bursts into pure anger. Once you are able to prevent the “boom!” by managing your anger, it is time to release the frustration in a healthier way. Breaking things, screaming to the nothingness or doing whatever you used to do during a tantrum, it is not the way.

What you create by doing that is another bad habit. You are not crushing it, just pushing it away for a little bit.

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Once the tension is gone, it is a good moment to reflect and talk. If you don’t like sharing feelings with others, you can always write it down or go somewhere to write anonymously (Reddit will do for this). This way you are opening a door to kick out your frustration.

However, don’t fall into these commons mistakes:

  • Don’t focus on the problem: this means, don’t over think it. Try to identify the trigger and then, let it be in the past.
  • Don’t blame others: reflection is time to heal, not to judge.
  • Don’t get stuck on the things you did wrong: find the things you have done differently this time.
  • If you didn’t change the pattern, don’t be too hard on yourself. Try to acknowledge what went wrong.

By doing these you are not only approaching a different way to release the frustration, you are also redefining a new pattern of thinking. This is called Cognitive Restructuring, and it helps you to deal with problems differently. To reinforce this pattern, you can ask yourself these questions and answer sincerely:

  • Could you have avoided the trigger?
  • Could you have approached the situation differently?
  • Do you regret something you did or said?
  • Should ask for forgiveness?

5. Changing Your Habits is Changing Your Life

There are many other practices you can add on top of these ones to create a more solid and consistent habit to manage your anger. The easiest one is avoid your triggers, right?

If you know that getting stuck in traffic won’t help your morning, try to leave home earlier so you skip the rush-hours. If fast food hurts your stomach, find a please were you can get healthier meals for the week. There is a solution for almost every problem: be wise.

Meditating, learning breathing techniques, even seeking professional help or supportive groups are a great core of resources to have on mind. Taming your anger it is not a sign of weakness but a sign of self-discipline.

There is no need to get overwhelmed by your frustrations and make a scene each time something goes wrong, ruinning your day. You are better than that. You are in control of your anger therefore you are in control of your life. Acknowledging this will make you more confident and strong.

Next time, you won’t feel embarrassed; you will be proud.

Featured photo credit: Stefan Kunze via albumarium.com

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Published on September 23, 2020

6 Effective Negotiation Skills to Master

6 Effective Negotiation Skills to Master

I don’t know about you, but many times when I hear the word negotiate I think of lawyers working out a business deal or having to do battle with a car salesman to try to get a lower price. Since I am in recruiting, the term “negotiation” comes up when someone is attempting to get a higher compensation package.

If we think about it, we tend to negotiate almost every day in a wide variety of things we do. Getting a handle on the important negotiation skills can be incredibly beneficial in many parts of our lives. Let’s take a look at 6 effective negotiation skills to master.

What is Negotiation?

First, let’s take a look at what negotiation is. Put simply, negotiation is a method by which people settle their differences. It is a process in which compromise or agreement can be reached without argument or dispute.

Anytime two people or sides disagree on something, they are almost always looking for the best possible outcome for their side. This could be from an individual’s perspective or someone representing an organization.

In reality, it’s rare that one side gets everything they want and the other side gets nothing that they are seeking. Seeking to reach a common ground of sorts where both sides feel like they are getting most of what they want is the key to being successful and maintaining the relationship.

Places We Negotiate

I’ve mentioned that we negotiate in just about all phases of our life. For those of you who are shaking your head no, I invite you to think about the following:

1. Work/Business

This one is the most obvious and it’s what naturally comes to mind when we think of the word “negotiate”.

When you first started at your current job, you might have asked for a higher salary. It could be that you delivered a huge new client to your company and used this as leverage in your most recent evaluation for more compensation. If you work with vendors (and just about every company does), maybe you worked them to a lower price or better contract terms.

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In recruiting, I negotiate with candidates and hiring managers all the time to land the best talent I can find. It’s very common to accept additional work with the (sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken) agreement that it will benefit your career in the future.

Recently, I took over a project that was my boss was working on so that I would be able to attend a conference later in the year. And so it goes, we do this all day long at work.

2. Personal

I don’t know about you, but I negotiate with my spouse all the time. I’ll cook dinner with the understanding that she does the dishes. Who wants to mow the lawn and who wants to vacuum and dust the house?

I think we should save 10% for retirement, but she thinks 5% is plenty. Therefore, we save 8%. And don’t even get me started with my kids. My older daughter can borrow my car as soon as she finishes her chores. My younger daughter can go hang out with her friends when her homework is done.

Then, there are all those interactions in our personal lives outside our homes. The carpenter wants to charge me $12,000 to build a new deck. I think $10,000 is plenty so we agree on $11,000. I ask my neighbor if I can borrow his snowblower in the winter if I invite him over the next time I grill steak. And so on.

3. Ourselves

You didn’t expect this one, did you? We negotiate with ourselves all day long.

I’ll make sure I don’t skip my workout tomorrow since I’m going to have that extra piece of pizza. My spouse has been quiet the last few days, is it worth me asking her about, or should I leave it alone? I think the car place charged me for some repairs that weren’t needed, should I say something or just let it go? I know my friend has been having some personal challenges, should I check in with him? We’ve been friends for a long time, I’m sure he’d come to me if he needed help. I’ve got the #4 pick in this year’s Fantasy Football draft, should I choose a running back or a wide receiver?

Think about that non-stop voice inside your head. It always seems to be chattering away about something and many times, it’s us negotiating with ourselves. I’ll finish up that report that the boss needs before I turn on the football game.

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Why Negotiation Skills Are So Important

Put simply, negotiation skills are important because we all interact with other people, and not only other people but other organizations and groups of people as well.

We all rarely want the same thing or outcome. Most of the time a vendor is looking at getting you to pay a higher price for something than you want to spend. Therefore, it’s important to negotiate to some middle ground that works well for both sides.

My wife and I disagree on how much to save for retirement. If we weren’t married it wouldn’t be an issue. We’d each contribute how much we wanted to on our retirement funds. We choose to be married, so we have to come to some agreement that we both feel comfortable with. We have to compromise. Therefore, we have to negotiate.

If we each lived on a planet by ourselves, we would be free to do just about anything we wanted to. We wouldn’t have to compromise with anyone because we wouldn’t interact with anyone. We would make every choice unilaterally the way we wanted to.

As we all know, this isn’t how things are. We are constantly interacting with other people and organizations, each one with their own agenda’s, viewpoints, and opinions. Therefore, we have to be able to work together.

6 Negotiation Skills to Master

Having strong negotiation skills helps us create win-win situations with others, allowing us to get most of what we want in conjunction with others around us.

Now, let’s look at 6 effective negotiation skills to master.

1. Preparation

Preparation is a key place to start with when getting ready to negotiate. Being prepared means having a clear vision of what you want and how you’d go about achieving it. It means knowing what the end goal looks like and also what you are willing to give to get it.

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It also means knowing who you are negotiating with and what areas they might be willing to compromise on. You should also know what your “bottom line” is. By “bottom line” I mean what is the most you are willing to give up to get what you want.

For instance, several years ago, I decided it was time to get a newer car. I say newer because I wanted a “new to me” car, not a brand new car. I did my research and figured out what type of car I wanted. I decided on what must-have items on the car I wanted, the highest amount of miles that would already be on it, the colors I was willing to get it in, and the highest amount of money I was willing to pay.

After visiting numerous car dealerships I was able to negotiate buying a car. I knew what I was willing to give up (amount of money) and what I was willing to accept, things like the color, amount of miles, etc. I came prepared. This is critical.

2. Clear Communication

The next key skill you need to be an effective negotiator is clear communication. You have to be able to clearly articulate what you want to the other party. This means both clear verbal and written communication.

If you can’t clearly tell the other person what you want, how do you expect to get it? Have you ever worked through something with a vendor or someone else only to learn of a surprise right at the end that wasn’t talked about before? This is not what you would call clear communication. It’s essential to be able to share a coherent and logical vision with the person you are working with.

3. Active Listening

Let’s do a quick review of active listening. This is when you are completely focused on the speaker, understand their message, comprehend the information, and respond appropriately. This is a necessary ingredient to be able to negotiate successfully. You must be able to fully focus on the other person’s wants to completely understand them.

If you aren’t giving them your full attention, you may miss some major points or details. This leads to frustration down the road on both sides. Ensure you are employing your active listening skills when in arbitration mode.

4. Teamwork and Collaboration

To be able to get to a place of common ground and a win-win scenario, you have to have a sense of teamwork and collaboration.

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If you are only thinking about yourself and what you want without giving much care to what the other person is wanting, you are bound to wind up without a solution. The other person may get frustrated and give up if they see you are unwilling to meet them halfway or care little for what they want.

When you collaborate, you are working together to help each other get what is most important to you. The other upside to negotiating with a sense of teamwork and collaboration is that it helps create a sense of trust, which, in turn, helps provide positive energy for working to a successful conclusion.

5. Problem Solving

Problem-solving is another key negotiation skill. When you are working with the other person to get the deal done many times you’ll face new challenges along the way.

Maybe you want a new vendor to provide training on the software they are selling you but they say it’s going to cost an additional $20,000 to provide this service. If you don’t have the additional $20,000 in the budget to spend on the software but you feel the training is critical, how are you going to solve that problem?

From what I’ve seen, most vendors aren’t willing to provide additional services without getting paid for them. This is where problem-solving skills will help continue the discussions. You might suggest to the vendor that your company will also be looking to replace their financial software next year, and you’d be happy to ensure they get one of the first seats at the table when the time comes if they could perhaps lower the pricing on their training.

There’s a solution to most challenges, but it takes problem-solving skills to work through them effectively.

6. Decision-Making Ability

Finally, having strong decision-making ability will help you seal the deal when you get to a place where everyone feels like they are getting what works for them. Each step of the way you can cross off the list when you get what you are looking for and decide to move onto the next item. Then, once you have all of your must-have boxes checked and the other side feels good about things, it’s time to shake hands and sign on the dotted line. Powerful decision-making ability will help you get to the finish line together.

Conclusion

There you have it, 6 effective negotiation skills to master to lead a more fulfilling life. Once we realize that we negotiate in one form or another almost every day in every phase of our lives, we realize how critical a skill it is.

Possessing strong negotiation skills will help you in nearly every one of your relationships at both the workplace and in your personal life. If you feel your arbitration tools could use some sharpening, try some of the 6 effective negotiation skills to master that we’ve talked about.

More Tips to Improve Your Negotiation Skills

Featured photo credit: Windows via unsplash.com

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