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5 Divorce Screw-Ups to Avoid

5 Divorce Screw-Ups to Avoid

Although feeling overwhelmed and confused during divorce is normal, remember to avoid the egregious divorce mistakes. It will save you time, money, and your sanity so that you can move on to the next chapter of your life better, not broken or bitter.

1. Not looking at the big picture

One of the reasons why divorce feels horrible is because you probably weren’t taught how to plan ahead in divorce. It’s funny, isn’t it? Guidance counselors and academic advisers in school harped on planning and envisioning our future, while financial advisors preach about planning for retirement. But why, during divorce, don’t you apply those same principles?

Instead of asking yourself, “What’s the game plan? Where do I want to be in a year with this divorce and how can I get there?” and then reverse-engineering. Most people just stumble through the days and months, allowing events to unfold and then reacting to them. It’s no wonder why you feel helpless and that your life have spun out of control.

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Planning where you want to be with the divorce six months from now and a year from now, and then then putting the steps in to get there, has bigger dividends than struggling to make it through the day and merely reacting to events as they unfold. This method can also help plan for contingencies and worst-case scenarios so you don’t freak out if things get ugly.

2. Making decisions based on emotion rather than logic

When you strip away the grief, heartache, anxiety, and overwhelmed feeling, divorce is a business transaction: dividing assets and debts and then continuing your life as an individual. That’s not said to minimize the relationship you and your spouse had together, but it’s absolutely critical to shelf those thoughts and memories when dealing with the business transactions of divorce.

Your head understands, but the part of you that is heartbroken and angry may spend months fighting over things that have nothing to do with business. It’s understandable: we make decisions based on emotions because we are hurting. And the only way you know how to deal with those emotions is by projecting that pain onto our business decisions. We fight and emotionally overreact because we think we will “win,” the divorce. This tit-for-tat can go on for months and years, which only prolongs the stress and ensures a future of bitterness.

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Nobody wins in divorce, and you must make your decisions from a clear-headed and rational place. Otherwise, you will find yourself robbed of time, money, and emotional energy—assets that are put to better use in your post-divorce life.

3. Letting other decide for you

When you’re going through a messy divorce that has a million moving parts to it, it can be easy to say, “You know what?!?! I’m just going to let my lawyer figure it out for me.” Or, if we have a particular problem, you may throw a question out on a group forum, and listen to the advice of other contributors, basing your decision on strangers.

There is nothing wrong with educating yourself or asking for advice. But remember that ultimately, this is your life and your future. It is your right and your responsibility to make divorce decisions for yourself. Sure, you can have people advise you—divorce professionals working for you is never a bad thing. But remember, at the end of the day it is you who has to live with the divorce decisions that are made—shouldn’t you be the one making them?

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4. Not Educating Yourself

Do you remember those cheesy public service announcements on TV with the shooting star that said “The More You Know?” Or the posters in elementary school, that were like, “Knowledge is Power.” Well, teachers and librarians loved that stuff because it is true.

Divorce can feel overwhelming because you’re scared of the unknown. And the only way to ease that fear is to educate yourself about the process. Quality divorce resources online are plentiful, many divorce lawyers and divorce coaches offer free consultations, and there are support groups and community classes that will help you understand your rights, provide you to-do checklists, and offer assistance so you do not get run over in the process.

5. Latching onto someone else too soon

Once you and your spouse split, you are given this amazing opportunity to heal, rediscover yourself, and reclaim your independence—things that only you can do. So why on earth would you invest yourself emotionally right away with someone new, when you haven’t had any time to learn how to be on your own? And how much worse will you feel when that “new, promising” relationship doesn’t work out?

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Sure, you’re human, and you want to be touched and loved. And it may have been months or years since you have felt wanted or passionate. Separation is a lonely place to be, but you know what’s even worse? Dependence—depending on another romantic relationship to make you feel loved and validated. Now is the time to break that cycle.

Desperately going on the rebound does a great disservice to you because it robs you of the opportunity to heal your heart and clear your head. When you look to that other person to fill that emptiness and to “save you,” you’re robbing them of the chance to have the healthy relationship that they deserve.

You don’t need anybody to save you or to heal you. You are strong and smart and you’ve got this. Lean on your friends, your family, a good therapist, divorce support groups, to listen and encourage when you feel hurt. Find the happiness you’ve been missing by discovering and enjoying your newly found freedom.

Featured photo credit: Help/Marina del Castell via flickr.com

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Martha Bodyfelt

Certified Divorce and Recovery Coach

How To Kick Your Divorce Anxiety In The Ass 5 Divorce Screw-Ups to Avoid 3 Steps for Beating Your Divorce Fears 10 Things to Know Before You Decide to Divorce 9 Ways to Pick Your Divorce Battles

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Last Updated on January 21, 2020

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

If I was a super hero I’d want my super power to be the ability to motivate everyone around me. Think of how many problems you could solve just by being able to motivate people towards their goals. You wouldn’t be frustrated by lazy co-workers. You wouldn’t be mad at your partner for wasting the weekend in front of the TV. Also, the more people around you are motivated toward their dreams, the more you can capitalize off their successes.

Being able to motivate people is key to your success at work, at home, and in the future because no one can achieve anything alone. We all need the help of others.

So, how to motivate people? Here are 7 ways to motivate others even you can do.

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1. Listen

Most people start out trying to motivate someone by giving them a lengthy speech, but this rarely works because motivation has to start inside others. The best way to motivate others is to start by listening to what they want to do. Find out what the person’s goals and dreams are. If it’s something you want to encourage, then continue through these steps.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are the best way to figure out what someone’s dreams are. If you can’t think of anything to ask, start with, “What have you always wanted to do?”

“Why do you want to do that?”

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“What makes you so excited about it?”

“How long has that been your dream?”

You need this information the help you with the following steps.

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3. Encourage

This is the most important step, because starting a dream is scary. People are so scared they will fail or look stupid, many never try to reach their goals, so this is where you come in. You must encourage them. Say things like, “I think you will be great at that.” Better yet, say, “I think your skills in X will help you succeed.” For example if you have a friend who wants to own a pet store, say, “You are so great with animals, I think you will be excellent at running a pet store.”

4. Ask About What the First Step Will Be

After you’ve encouraged them, find how they will start. If they don’t know, you can make suggestions, but it’s better to let the person figure out the first step themselves so they can be committed to the process.

5. Dream

This is the most fun step, because you can dream about success. Say things like, “Wouldn’t it be cool if your business took off, and you didn’t have to work at that job you hate?” By allowing others to dream, you solidify the motivation in place and connect their dreams to a future reality.

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6. Ask How You Can Help

Most of the time, others won’t need anything from you, but it’s always good to offer. Just letting the person know you’re there will help motivate them to start. And, who knows, maybe your skills can help.

7. Follow Up

Periodically, over the course of the next year, ask them how their goal is going. This way you can find out what progress has been made. You may need to do the seven steps again, or they may need motivation in another area of their life.

Final Thoughts

By following these seven steps, you’ll be able to encourage the people around you to achieve their dreams and goals. In return, you’ll be more passionate about getting to your goals, you’ll be surrounded by successful people, and others will want to help you reach your dreams …

Oh, and you’ll become a motivational super hero. Time to get a cape!

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Featured photo credit: Thought Catalog via unsplash.com

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