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Psychology Says the Fear of Rejection Can Be a Source of Strength

Psychology Says the Fear of Rejection Can Be a Source of Strength

We all fear rejection and I get it, it makes sense.

Our ancestors had to stay together to survive. If someone was rejected, and became an outcast, that person would  have most likely died off if he was alone in the wilderness.

It has also been said that the human brain treats rejection in a similar way it process physical pain.

Rejection can really suck sometimes.

And it’s true, because I remember the days when I used to be a lost cause. In the 4th grade, I used to have anger issues, emotional problems, and ADHD (still have ADHD)

So whenever someone got me angry, I wouldn’t be able to control my anger and I would beat up anyone who annoyed me. (It felt like a blur of rage and I couldn’t think straight…and before I knew it, it was over)

And I didn’t want to be that kid who was known as the bully because deep down inside I didn’t want to hurt anyone.

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But eventually I became an outcast, rejected by everyone. No one to talk to, no one to connect with, and no one to consider a friend for 4 or 5 years straight as a kid.

And the amount of pain, hatred, despair, depression, anger (at myself, at the world, and at God), and hopelessness was so overwhelming that I almost ended my own life.

But thankfully I was able convince myself that I am still way too young to end my life. I still have another chance to have a new life if I went to a high school where I knew absolutely no one. So I painfully waited until I graduated. (there was so much more to this story, but that’s another topic.)

Fear can create doubt if you don’t feel competent.

But when I first started high school, I still remember the fear I had about rejection. I absolutely did not want to be in the same situation I was in when I was in the 4th – 8th grade.

So I studied the popular kids and studied what made them so popular and I copied them. (I knew I was socially awkward because I haven’t had a conversation for 4 – 5 years…besides with myself)

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But I found out that it was hard to act like them because I still had that fear inside of me whenever I talked with anyone.

I would ask or say to myself, “What if I sound dumb? What am I even doing? This isn’t who I am. What if they don’t even like me?”

And I began to let the fear control me from not taking action to improve myself. (I began to ask questions that made me doubt myself.)

Fear can control you IF you let it control you.

Then all of a sudden, a whole year passed by and I made some progress, but not enough. I didn’t want this fear to hinder my growth and stop me from obtaining my goals that I need in my life.

I began to embrace the fear and understand that it is necessary to have fear whenever you do anything that creates fear within you. (Making a change in your life is one example that creates fear)

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You cannot block out fear and you have to understand that fear will always be there. It’s when you don’t let your fears stop you from taking action.

Trying to not numb yourself of fear is a bad idea.

But some of you might say, “Well can’t we numb ourselves so that we don’t feel fear?”

Well yeah you can, but Brene Brown says that you can’t selectively numb emotions. In her TED talk she says when you try to numb fear, you actually numb all your emotions. (including happiness, and all the other good emotions)

And from my experience, when you become numb, you don’t feel anything. Nothing hurts you but nothing makes you happy. It feels like anything I do is meaningless and that nothing matters in life. (So I suggest you don’t numb yourself, it’s boring either way)

How does fear become a source of strength?

But you might be asking now, “I understand that we need to embrace fear because it will always be there. But how can the fear of rejection (or any kind of fear) be a source of strength?”

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It becomes a source of strength, when you absolutely refuse to let your fears control you like you are some mindless puppet. Having courage, or strength, doesn’t mean you are fearless. It means having the strength to do what is necessary, in the face of fear.

You are more than some mindless puppet who lets your fear controls all your actions.

Instead of focusing on your fears and how afraid you are, you focus on performing the task at hand. (We are not completely ignoring the fear, you understand that it’s there but you don’t focus on it to make it worse.)

Example: Soldiers who go back for their wounded members during enemy gun fire show extreme courage. Even though they are afraid of dying, they still continue on in the face of death to save their fellow soldiers.

“Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway.” – Dr. Robert Anthony

So be afraid, it’s okay. Just don’t let fear overwhelm you and make decisions for you.

Featured photo credit: Courtney Carmody via flickr.com

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Last Updated on July 16, 2019

7 Ways to Get Rid of Negative Energy and Become Positive

7 Ways to Get Rid of Negative Energy and Become Positive

Negativity affects ourselves and everyone around us. It limits our potential to become something great and live a fulfilling, purposeful life. Negativity has a tangible effect on our health, too. Research has shown that people who cultivate negative energy experience more stress, more sickness, and less opportunity over the course of their lives than those who choose to live positively.

When we make a decision to become positive, and follow that decision up with action, we will begin to encounter situations and people that are also positive. The negative energy gets edged out by all positive experiences. It’s a snowball effect.

Although negative and positive thoughts will always exist, the key to becoming positive is to limit the amount of negativity that we experience by filling ourselves up with more positivity.

Here are some ways to get rid of negativity and become more positive.

1. Become Grateful for Everything

When life is all about us, it’s easy to believe that we deserve what we have. An attitude of entitlement puts us at the center of the universe and sets up the unrealistic expectation that others should cater to us, our needs, and our wants. This vain state of existence is a surefire way to set yourself up for an unfulfilled life of negativity.

People living in this sort of entitlement are “energy suckers”–they are always searching for what they can get out of a situation. People that don’t appreciate the nuances of their lives live in a constant state of lacking. And it’s really difficult to live a positive life this way.

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When we begin to be grateful and appreciate everything in our lives–from the small struggles that make us better, to the car that gets us from A to B every day–we shift our attitude from one of selfishness, to one of appreciation. This appreciation gets noticed by others, and a positive harmony begins to form in our relationships.

We begin to receive more of that which we are grateful for, because we’ve opened ourselves up to the idea of receiving, instead of taking. This will make your life more fulfilling, and more positive.

2. Laugh More, Especially at Yourself

Life gets busy, our schedules fill up, we get into relationships, and work can feel task oriented and routine-driven at times. Being human can feel more like being a robot. But having this work-driven, serious attitude often results in negative and performance oriented thinking.

Becoming positive means taking life less seriously and letting yourself off the hook. This is the only life that you get to live, why not lighten up your mood?

Laughter helps us become positive by lightening our mood and reminding us not to take life so seriously. Are you sensitive to light sarcasm? Do you have trouble laughing at jokes? Usually, people who are stressed out and overly serious get most offended by sarcasm because their life is all work and no play.

If we can learn to laugh at ourselves and our mistakes, life will become more of an experiment in finding out what makes us happy. And finding happiness means finding positivity.

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3. Help Others

Negativity goes hand in hand with selfishness. People that live only for themselves have no higher purpose in their lives. If the whole point of this world is only to take care of yourself and no one else, the road to a long-term fulfillment and purpose is going to be a long one.

Positivity accompanies purpose. The most basic way to create purpose and positivity in your life is to begin doing things for others. Start small; open the door for the person in front of you at Starbucks or ask someone how their day was before telling them about yours.

Helping others will give you an intangible sense of value that will translate into positivity. And people might just appreciate you in the process.

4. Change Your Thinking

We can either be our best coach or our best enemy. Change starts from within. If you want to become more positive, change the wording of your thoughts. We are the hardest on ourselves, and a stream of negative self talk is corrosive to a positive life.

The next time you have a negative thought, write it down and rephrase it with a positive spin. For example, change a thought like, “I can’t believe I did so horribly on the test–I suck.” to “I didn’t do as well as I hoped to on this test. But I know I’m capable and I’ll do better next time.”

Changing our self-talk is powerful.

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5. Surround Yourself with Positive People

We become most like the people that we surround ourselves with. If our friend group is full of negative energy-suckers and drama queens, we will emulate that behavior and become like them. It is very difficult to become more positive when the people around us don’t support or demonstrate positive behavior.

As you become more positive, you’ll find that your existing friends will either appreciate the new you or they will become resistant to your positive changes. This is a natural response.

Change is scary; but cutting out the negative people in your life is a huge step to becoming more positive. Positive people reflect and bounce their perspectives onto one another. Positivity is a step-by-step process when you do it solo, but a positive group of friends can be an escalator.

6. Get into Action

Negative thoughts can be overwhelming and challenging to navigate. Negativity is usually accompanied by a “freak-out” response, especially when tied to relationships, people and to worrying about the future. This is debilitating to becoming positive and usually snowballs into more worry, more stress and more freak-outs.

Turn the negative stress into positive action. The next time you’re in one of these situations, walk away and take a break. With your eyes closed, take a few deep breaths. Once you’re calm, approach the situation or problem with a pen and pad of paper. Write out four or five actions or solutions to begin solving the problem.

Taking yourself out of the emotionally charged negative by moving into the action-oriented positive will help you solve more problems rationally and live in positivity

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7. Take Full Responsibility, Stop Being the Victim

You are responsible for your thoughts.

People that consistently believe that things happen to them handicap themselves to a victim mentality. This is a subtle and deceptive negative thought pattern. Phrases like “I have to work” or “I can’t believe he did that to me” are indicators of a victim mentality. Blaming circumstances and blaming others only handicaps our decision to change something negative into something positive.

Taking full responsibility for your life, your thoughts and your actions is one of the biggest steps in creating a more positive life. We have unlimited potential within to create our own reality, change our life, and change our thoughts. When we begin to really internalize this, we discover that no one can make us feel or do anything. We choose our emotional and behavioral response to people and circumstances.

Make positive choices in favor of yourself.

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny” ― Lao Tzu

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Featured photo credit: Brooke Cagle via unsplash.com

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