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A Letter To My Baby Boy: What It’s Like To Be Human

A Letter To My Baby Boy: What It’s Like To Be Human

Dear Baby Boy,

You’re in for a wild ride in this life that you’ve only barely embarked on. I know that right now, you’re pretty comfortable, warm, shielded from the harsh light, the shrieking voices, the general offences of the world. But, in almost no time at all, everything is going to change. At first, you’ll see bright lights. You’ll probably feel what we call “cold,” which just means you’ll feel right at home when you’re placed on my chest right after you’re born. It will be the most glorious moment of mine and your dad’s life. But for you, it’ll be just the beginning.

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Eventually you’ll learn what a “home” is.

For a while, you’ll be able to sleep anywhere, but after a few months you’ll realize that, as a family, we spend most of our time at home. Then, you’ll sleep best after a warm bath, bedtime stories, and snuggles, before you’re gently placed into your own crib. That is what home will feel like.

When you get a little older, you’ll start to make what we call “friends.”

Friends are wonderful things. They are other humans that we just pick out and spend our time with. We like our friends and want them to like us too, so we’re nice to them. And they’re nice to us. You’ll like to spend time with your own friends playing baseball, skateboarding, and likely begging for more time on the Xbox, or whatever game is popular when you get that old. You’ll be very happy to have such great friends, and I’ll be happy for you too. But I also will probably have to take a hot shower to wash away the tears I’ve secretly cried when I come to realize that my baby boy is growing up and that maybe you won’t need me forever.

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Eventually, you’ll go out on your own.

I can’t say exactly when you’ll make the decision to make a home for yourself. You’ll decide that your life is just beginning! Maybe you’ll go to college (which is like an anarchist daycare) and move into a tiny apartment with other college kids. You’ll think you’re learning more than you ever have, but I know better. You’ve learned more in your regular, going-to-bed, eating-dinner, staying-out-too-late life than four years of studying can ever teach you. You’re smart. Which means a lot in this life.

You’ll find a way to make money.

Money isn’t everything, honey. But in our world, you have to be able to purchase stuff, like food, clothes, your home. And so you’ll need a job. I pray that you find a job that makes you happy, energizes and invigorates you, gives you life. In that case, you’ll feel like your life has just begun. But if you don’t, that’s okay too. Sometimes, to be human means to get by. And sometimes, that means working a job that isn’t exciting, but does pay the bills, and for a time, that’ll be okay.

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One day, you’ll meet the love of your life.

Eventually, you’ll have a very special friend. Someone who makes you feel different than any friend before. Then you’ll feel that your life has just begun. And she’ll feel the same way about you. You’ll probably get a funny feeling in the pit of your stomach when you think about her and you’ll get your hopes up that maybe you’ll get to make your own home with her in it. But you know what? Chances are, you won’t. More often than not, humans don’t settle down with the first special person that makes them feel that way. And it’ll hurt. Your heart will feel like a searing knife was plunged into it. And I can only pray that the pain won’t last too long. And that the scar it leaves will be short. Because you’ll find someone else that makes your heart beat again. That’s what we call love. It is the most powerful force on the planet.

And that’s what I feel for you.

It’s a strange sort of love that a mother has for her little boy. One that can’t be settled and can’t be described with mere words on this page. Sometimes, my heart aches with the heaviness of this powerful force. But usually, when you reach for me, when your baby-soft coos wake me up in the morning, my heart sings with the lightness that being your mama gives me. You’ve transformed me into a mother, just like someday someone will transform you into a daddy. And then you’ll say your life has just begun. How many beginnings does one get in a lifetime? I can’t say. But I do hope that you learn to enjoy every new beginning you’re given.

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Being human means a lot of things. Above all, I hope that you embody the spirit of the greatest humans before us, those that were selfless, courageous, ambitious, forgiving, kind, and inspired. I hope you take risks and learn from your failures. That the hurts the world throws at you don’t define you, and that you choose for yourself a life that is worth living.

Featured photo credit: 100 Days Old/george ruiz via flickr.com

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Published on January 30, 2019

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

In roughly 60 percent of two-parent households with children under the age of 18, both parents work full time. But who takes time off work when the kids are sick in your house? And if you are a manager, how do you react when a man says he needs time to take his baby to the pediatrician?

The sad truth is, the default in many companies and families is to value the man’s work over the woman’s—even when there is no significant difference in their professional obligations or compensation. This translates into stereotypes in the workplace that women are the primary caregivers, which can negatively impact women’s success on the job and their upward mobility.

According to a Pew Research Center analysis of long-term time-use data (1965–2011), fathers in dual-income couples devote significantly less time than mothers do to child care.[1] Dads are doing more than twice as much housework as they used to (from an average of about four hours per week to about 10 hours), but there is still a significant imbalance.

This is not just an issue between spouses; it’s a workplace culture issue. In many offices, it is still taboo for dads to openly express that they have family obligations that need their attention. In contrast, the assumption that moms will be on the front lines of any family crisis is one that runs deep.

Consider an example from my company. A few years back, one of our team members joined us for an off-site meeting soon after returning from maternity leave. Not even two hours into her trip, her husband called to say that the baby had been crying nonstop. While there was little our colleague could practically do to help with the situation, this call was clearly unsettling, and the result was that her attention was divided for the rest of an important business dinner.

This was her first night away since the baby’s birth, and I know that her spouse had already been on several business trips before this event. Yet, I doubt she called him during his conferences to ask child-care questions. Like so many moms everywhere, she was expected to figure things out on her own.

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The numbers show that this story is far from the exception. In another Pew survey, 47 percent of dual-income parents agreed that the moms take on more of the work when a child gets sick.[2] In addition, 39 percent of working mothers said they had taken a significant amount of time off from work to care for their child compared to just 24 percent of working fathers. Mothers are also more likely than fathers (27 percent to 10 percent) to say they had quit their job at some point for family reasons.

Before any amazing stay-at-home-dads post an angry rebuttal comment, I want to be very clear that I am not judging how families choose to divide and conquer their personal and professional responsibilities; that’s 100 percent their prerogative. Rather, I am taking aim at the culture of inequity that persists even when spouses have similar or identical professional responsibilities. This is an important issue for all of us because we are leaving untapped business and human potential on the table.

What’s more, I think my fellow men can do a lot about this. For those out there who still privately think that being a good dad just means helping out mom, it’s time to man up. Stop expecting working partners—who have similar professional responsibilities—to bear the majority of the child-care responsibilities as well.

Consider these ways to support your working spouse:

1. Have higher expectations for yourself as a father; you are a parent, not a babysitter.

Know who your pediatrician is and how to reach him or her. Have a back-up plan for transportation and emergency coverage.

Don’t simply expect your partner to manage all these invisible tasks on her own. Parenting takes effort and preparation for the unexpected.

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As in other areas of life, the way to build confidence is to learn by doing. Moms aren’t born knowing how to do this stuff any more than dads are.

2. Treat your partner the way you’d want to be treated.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard a man on a business trip say to his wife on a call something to the effect of, “I am in the middle of a meeting. What do you want me to do about it?”

However, when the tables are turned, men often make that same call at the first sign of trouble.

Distractions like this make it difficult to focus and engage with work, which perpetuates the stereotype that working moms aren’t sufficiently committed.

When you’re in charge of the kids, do what she would do: Figure it out.

3. When you need to take care of your kids, don’t make an excuse that revolves around your partner’s availability.

This implies that the children are her first priority and your second.

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I admit I have been guilty in the past of telling clients, “I have the kids today because my wife had something she could not move.” What I should have said was, “I’m taking care of my kids today.”

Why is it so hard for men to admit they have personal responsibilities? Remember that you are setting an example for your sons and daughters, and do the right thing.

4. As a manager, be supportive of both your male and female colleagues when unexpected situations arise at home.

No one likes or wants disruptions, but life happens, and everyone will face a day when the troubling phone call comes from his sitter, her school nurse, or even elderly parents.

Accommodating personal needs is not a sign of weakness as a leader. Employees will be more likely to do great work if they know that you care about their personal obligations and family—and show them that you care about your own.

5. Don’t keep score or track time.

At home, it’s juvenile to get into debates about who last changed a diaper or did the dishes; everyone needs to contribute, but the big picture is what matters. Is everyone healthy and getting enough sleep? Are you enjoying each other’s company?

In business, too, avoid the trap of punching a clock. The focus should be on outcomes and performance rather than effort and inputs. That’s the way to maintain momentum toward overall goals.

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The Bottom Line

To be clear, I recognize that a great many working dads are doing a terrific job both on the home front and in their professional lives. My concern is that these standouts often aren’t visible to their colleagues; they intentionally or inadvertently let their work as parents fly under the radar. Dads need to be open and honest about family responsibilities to change perceptions in the workplace.

The question “How do you balance it all?” should not be something that’s just asked of women. Frankly, no one can answer that question. Juggling a career and parental responsibilities is tough. At times, really tough.

But it’s something that more parents should be doing together, as a team. This can be a real bonus for the couple relationship as well, because nothing gets in the way of good partnership faster than feelings of inequity.

On the plus side, I can tell you that parenting skills really do get better with practice—and that’s great for people of both sexes. I think our cultural expectations that women are the “nurturers” and men are the “providers” needs to evolve. Expanding these definitions will open the doors to richer contributions from everyone, because women can and should be both—and so should men.

Featured photo credit: NeONBRAND via unsplash.com

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