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14 Things That We Shouldn’t Say to Our Partners Anymore (and What to Say Instead)

14 Things That We Shouldn’t Say to Our Partners Anymore (and What to Say Instead)

It’s not always easy to express what’s going on in our heart and mind. Whether it be telling a loved one about a problem that’s been upsetting us or simply telling a friend we don’t want to go out, our emotions and feelings might get in the way of our intended message. The person we’re talking to may feel hurt, get defensive, or offended. As confrontational as misunderstandings and disagreements can be, they cannot be completely avoided.

However, we are more likely to have healthy relationships if we think more consciously about how and what we say to others. And there is one particular relationship where this is so important—and that is the romantic relationship we have with our partner.

Here are 14 things that we shouldn’t say to our partners anymore (and what to say instead).

1. Instead of “I hate it when you…” say “It’d help a lot if you…”

We all have quirks. We might even have “bad habits” that grate on the nerves of others. But when you choose to be in a relationship with someone, you make a conscious decision to accept the “good” with the “bad.” As annoying or frustrating some character traits or behaviors may be, it is still a part of the person whom you care deeply about.

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Keeping this in mind, you need to be gentle in your approach. For example, you could say, “It’d help a lot if you put your dishes in the sink when you’re finished. It just makes it easier for me when I’m cleaning up after dinner.” This approach acknowledges your true feelings without hurting the other person. Telling your partner about any kind of upset does not need to be confronting in an aggressive way. You can speak up and still minimize conflict.

2. Instead of “You don’t care about how I feel” say “Sometimes I don’t feel that you take my feelings into consideration.”

When our partner says and/or does something that’s upsetting, it’s easy to assume that they don’t care about you at all. But chances are, that’s far from the truth. All of us are capable of hurting someone else, regardless of whether that was the intention or not. But what’s important is that they validate how we feel.

Rather than assuming that they don’t care, it is more respectful to say, “Sometimes I don’t feel that you take my feelings into consideration.” This will give your partner a chance to ask why you feel that way and put you both on the path to finding a solution.

3. Instead of “You don’t even try.” say “I’d like you to put in more effort.”

We all have our own responsibilities and priorities. Sometimes there are periods in our lives that are busier than others. But this doesn’t mean that we don’t care about our partner. If you’re someone who is feeling a bit neglected and thinks their partner doesn’t make an active effort anymore, then approach the topic with your partner, but be kind.

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Your partner may be working hard to make ends meet; they may be going through a crisis and need your help, or maybe they’re not “trying as hard” but don’t realize it. Rather than be confrontational, gently tell them, “I’d like you to put in more effort” and elaborate on the area that is upsetting you.

4. Instead of “You don’t love me.” say “I wish you’d paid more attention to me.”

There may be times during our relationships that we feel unloved, or that we don’t feel that our partner cares about us as much as we thought they did. It’s important that we vocalize these feelings. We can do this by saying to our partner, for example, “I wish you’d paid more attention to me.” If they’re the right person for you, they will want to know why you feel this way and how they can stop you from feeling this way.

5. Instead of “You never tell me how you’re feeling.” say “I know it’s hard for you to open up, but I’d like to know what you’re feeling.”

For many people, it’s hard for them to express how they’re feeling. They might not even know what it is that they’re feeling. Rather than be confrontational, try a much gentler approach and say, “I know it’s hard for you to open up, but I’d like to know what you’re feeling.” This approach acknowledges that it’s not easy for your partner and encourages them to talk about it.

6. Instead of “You never treat me as an equal.” say “I’d like you to help more with…”

If you feel that your partner doesn’t do their part in helping around the house, with the children, and/or value your opinion—it could be quite possible that they don’t realize it. So, a “you” statement might just leave them feeling defensive. Instead, tell them, “I’d like you to help more around the house/with the kids” or “I wish I could have more of a say in where we eat dinner.” These statements are far more direct and a better indication of what is upsetting you.

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7. Instead of “You never think about the future.” say “I’ve been thinking about _____ and was wondering what your thoughts are on this?”

Although people can have very differing views of short-term and long-term goals, it is never appropriate to label them as “right” or “wrong.” People value different things and have different plans for the future. If your partner is quite different than you in this respect, you need to remember that they may not look at life the same way you do. So, if you still want to approach this topic, it would be more appropriate to say, for example, “I’ve been thinking about _____ and was wondering what your thoughts are on this? I just want to see if we’re on the same page.” This would seem less of a personal attack on your partner and also help you to better understand where the relationship is heading.

8. Instead of “You can’t…” say “I don’t like it when you…”

As much as relationships add value to our lives, it’s important for us to value ourselves and our independence. As much as you dislike some aspect of your partner’s life, you can’t ban them from behavior you don’t agree with. You can’t force them to follow a different direction. For example, you can’t say, “You can’t go drinking with your friends” because you hate drinking. You can, however, accept that is a part of them and who they are. You can still be honest and say, “I don’t like it when you drink so much because…”

9. Instead of “I don’t like your family and/or friends.” say “I’m worried that your family and/or friends are having a negative impact on your life.”

It’s quite possible that you don’t actually like your partner’s family and/or friends. But you need to re-evaluate your reasons for this and whether your feelings have more to do with you than with them. Are you feeling jealous that your partner spends so much time with them? If that is the case, you could try saying, “I’d love to spend more time with you.” If your reasons are definitely tied to your partner’s family and/or friends, then be honest. You could say, “I’m worried that your family and/or friends are having a negative impact on your life.” then add your reasons for why you believe this.

10. Instead of “Why did you come home so late?” say “I was really worried about you. I wish that you’d let me know that you were running late.”

This statement itself doesn’t sound particularly confronting, but the problem lies more in the tone. Communication is key in any relationship, but sometimes, your partner might have plans that come up out of the blue. If you wish they’d called or messaged to say they’re running late, it might be better to say, “I was really worried about you. I wish that you’d let me know that you were running late.” This gets your message across, without adding further anxiety to your partner’s mental state. Maybe your partner was late for a perfectly valid reason and is already feeling quite remorseful about it.

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11. Instead of “Why do you spend so much money?” say “I’m worried about how we’re spending our money.”

Many people differ with their spending habits. They prioritize certain types of spending over others. If you are worried that your partner’s spending is affecting your finances as a couple, it is reasonable that you want to speak up. However, just like every other topic, this should be done tactfully. You could try saying, “I’m worried about how we’re spending our money. Maybe we could both work out areas where we could cut down on our spending?” This shows that you’re not just “pointing a finger.”

12. Instead of “All you do is work.” say “I’m worried about you working so hard.”

Life is about trying our best to maintain balance, but it’s also about plenty of responsibility. Your partner might be quite passionate about their career, have extra deadlines to meet, or simply not have realized that they are overworking themselves. Rather than finding ‘fault’ with their behavior, express your concern. Try saying, “I’m worried about you working so hard. I miss spending time with you.” Hopefully, your partner will see that your comments come from a kind and loving place—and they will be more likely to re-evaluate their priorities.

13. Instead of “It’s all your fault.” say “When you do/say _____, I feel _____.”

When you’re having a disagreement with your partner, it’s easy to fall into the “them vs you” trap, to believe that everything is about “winning.” But it’s not. In order to grow as a couple and to learn from each other, you must both be willing to accept responsibility for the relationship. Rather than laying blame on your partner, it’s more constructive to say, “When you do/say _____, I feel _____.” If your partner understands how you feel and feels remorseful, then you can both work together to find a solution.

14. Instead of “I want you to change.” ask yourself, “What can I do to help the relationship?”

It’s so easy to look outwards as opposed to inwards, to focus on the weaknesses of others. But in order to have a healthy relationship, it’s important to compromise, to learn from our partner, to stop the finger pointing and ‘”blame game,” and to make changes within ourselves that will improve us and the relationship. When we choose someone to be our partner, we choose all of them. Both their strengths and weaknesses, even their flaws. If one of their character traits is affecting the relationship, you could gently say, “It hurts me when you ____.”

e need to focus on how we’re feeling, not on labeling our partner. It is not our job to “change” someone. We do, however, have the chance to help them fulfill their potential, to be an encourager and motivator, to reveal their own inner beauty. When you choose to stand by their side, you’re choosing to work together and make each other better. It’s these types of healthy relationships that impact us for the better and help us to become the person that we were destined to be.

Featured photo credit: Nick Fuentes via flickr.com

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Last Updated on January 16, 2020

12 Simple Ways to Boost Your Confidence Right Now

12 Simple Ways to Boost Your Confidence Right Now

The way you feel about yourself greatly influences how you live and interact with others. If you are confident about yourself, you tend to see yourself positively and actually enjoy spending time with and around people. You don’t feel self-conscious or awkward around others, and that allows you to live your fullest and happiest life.

However, if you’re drowning in a sea of self-doubt, hesitancy and shyness, you often withdraw and isolate yourself from others and avoid interacting and connecting with people. That anxiety you feel in the pit of your stomach when you are around people is holding you back greatly and it is not good for your emotional health and overall well-being. You need to do something about it if you are low in self-confidence or have friends or family members who are not confident.

“Confidence isn’t walking into a room thinking you’re better than everyone, it’s walking in not having to compare yourself to anyone” – Anonymous

Here are simple, practical tips to boost your confidence right now and make you feel and act your best.

1. Stop labeling yourself as awkward, timid or shy.

When you label yourself as awkward, timid or shy, you sub-consciously tell your mind to act accordingly and psychologically feel inclined to live up to those expectations. Instead of labeling and entertaining negative self-talk, visualize and affirm yourself as confident and strong. Close your eyes for a minute and visualize yourself in different situation as you would like to be.

Be your own cheerleader. Experts believe that positive affirmation and good mental practices like picturing yourself winning or achieving a goal can lead to greater feelings of self-assurance and prepare your brain for success.[1] As the saying goes, “seeing is believing.” Picture yourself as confident and soon enough you will begin to manifest behavior that gives evidence to this new ‘fact.’

2. Recognize that the world is not focused on you (unless, of course, you are Kanye West).

That means you don’t have to be excessively sensitive about who you are or what you are doing (or not doing). You are not on the center stage; there is no need for preoccupation with self and perfectionism. As rap music star Rocko sings, “You just do you and I will do me, aight?”

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Forget about trying to please everyone or being perfect. Trying to be perfect and being a people-pleaser puts too much pressure on you and creates unnecessary anxiety. Besides, people are too preoccupied with their own issues to pay much attention to your every move unless, of course, you are a mega famous, super celebrity like Beyonce or Kanye West.

3. Focus on other people as opposed to yourself.

If you are low on confidence, self-conscious, nervous and shy in social situations, focus your attention on other people and what they are saying or doing instead of focusing on your own awkwardness.

For example, think about what it is that is interesting about the person who’s the centre of the party or the guy or girl you are talking with. Prompt them to talk more about themselves and be genuinely curious and interested in what they say. You will instantly come across as confident and warmhearted.

People generally want to talk about themselves, be heard and understood. They will love it when you’re eager and willing to listen to them and really hear what they have to say.

This habit of focusing more on what you love in others as opposed to what you dislike in yourself will not only help you become more assertive and comfortable in virtually all social situations, but also instantly make you feel great about yourself.

4. Know (and accept) yourself for who you are.

Chinese military general, strategist and philosopher Sun Tzu, author of the internationally acclaimed book The Art of War, said, “Know yourself and you will win all battles.” Even in the battle with lack of confidence, you will need to know yourself to win.

Knowing yourself starts with understanding that people are not all the same, neither are all social situation suitable for everyone. You might not be confident in large gatherings, but you could be bold and confident in one-on-one and small group interactions. We all have our own unique gifts and unique ways of expressing ourselves. Embrace yours!

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Introverts, for example, have a quiet confidence that is, unfortunately, often confused for shyness. They are naturally low key and prefer to spend time alone. However, this natural disposition affords them certain unique gifts, such as an ability to listen better than most people and notice things that others don’t.

Your uniqueness is where your strength and advantage lies. You won’t be comfortable and confident in all situations all the time. Albert Einstein said,

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

5. Crack a smile.

If there is one sure way to instantly boost your confidence, it’s cracking a smile. Christine Clapp, a public speaking expert at The George Washington University, says that flashing those pretty, pearly white teeth will immediately make you appear both confident and composed. But, the effect of smiling is not just external. Studies show that smiling can also help nix feelings of stress and pave the way for a happier and more relaxed you.[2]

Not a bad return for something seemingly so trite, wouldn’t you agree?

6. Break a sweat—with exercise.

Working out is another great way to make yourself feel amazing and confident. Science has shown that exercising increases your endorphins, helps reduce stress, tones your muscles and makes you feel happy and confident.[3]

And hey, all you have to do is take a walk a few times a week and you’ll see the benefits. What seems to matter—as far as your confidence goes—is whether you break a sweat, not how strenuous your session is, which is pretty cool. Start working out now.

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7. Groom yourself.

This might seem mundane, but it’s amazing how much of a difference a shower and shave can have on your confidence and self-image. And when you spritz on a scent, the boost on confidence and self-esteem is incredible. As it turns out, your favorite fragrance does more than make you smell oh-so-nice.

A study found that a fragrance can inspire confidence in men. Interestingly, the study also found that the more a man likes the fragrance, the more confident he might feel. Another study found that 90% of women feel more confident while wearing a scent than those who go fragrance-free.

8. Dress nicely.

Another one that might seem trite, but it works. If you dress nicely, you’ll instantly feel good about yourself and give your confidence a real boost. That is largely because you’ll feel attractive, presentable and sometimes even successful in nice clothes.

While dressing nicely means something different for everyone, it does not necessarily mean wearing $500 designer outfits. It means wearing clothes that are clean, that you are comfortable in and that are nice-looking and presentable, including casual clothes.

9. Do activities you enjoy.

Whether it is reading a book, playing a musical instrument, riding your bicycle or going fishing, do what you really enjoy and what makes you truly happy often. It will boost your self-esteem, soothe your ego and allow you to identify with your gifts and talents. That will in turn bolster your self-belief and grow your confidence exponentially.

You might not become popular for doing what you love, but you might not even want to be popular at all. Being popular doesn’t make you happy; doing what you love does.

10. Prepare for the possibility of rejection / setback.

Late World No. 1 professional tennis player Arthur Ashe said, “One important key to success is self-confidence. A key to self-confidence is preparation.” You need to prepare for the possibility of rejection and setback.

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Why?

Everybody suffers rejection and setback at one point or another. You are not exempted. The question on your mind, therefore, should not be if you will be rejected, but how you will handle rejection when it comes.

Prepare yourself adequately in every situation to minimize the risk and effect of rejection and so that your confidence is not broken. For example, learn public speaking and rehearse what you are going to say beforehand if you have landed a public speaking engagement. That way, you are sure of yourself and confident you have what it takes to hack it. If you are rejected, don’t take it personally.

Rejection and setbacks happen to the best of us. Take it as a learning experience. Learn from your mistakes and move on.

11. Face uncomfortable situations square in the face.

Don’t run away from uncomfortable situations. Running away from people or situations because you feel scared, shy or timid only confirms and reinforces your shyness. Instead, face the situation that makes you uneasy square in the face. For example, go ahead and talk to that person you are afraid to approach, or go straight to the front of your yoga class! What’s the worst that can happen?

Prepare and be ready for any eventuality. The more you face your fears, the more you realize you are stronger than you thought and the more confident you get. This simple, yet admittedly courageous, act makes you unstoppable. You get comfortable being uncomfortable and begin to feel like you can take on the world. And that is the hallmark of someone destined for great things.

12. Sit up straight and walk tall—you are awesome!

Yes, sit up straight and believe you are awesome. Don’t slump in your chair or slouch your shoulders. Experts say the right stance can not only keep your self-esteem and mood lifted, but also lead to more confidence in your own thoughts.[4]

The way to sit is to open up your chest and keep your head level so that you look and feel poised and assured. And when you get up, stand tall and walk like you’re on a mission. People who sit up straight and walk tall are more attractive and instantly feel more confident. Try it now: you’ll feel fierce and confident just by sitting up straight and walking tall.

Featured photo credit: Freshh Connection via unsplash.com

Reference

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