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Alert: 7 Signs You Have A Toxic Friend

Alert: 7 Signs You Have A Toxic Friend

Have you ever been in a toxic friendship? I have and it just about destroyed me. It took time before I finally ended the relationship and restored my health. I also learned some things in the process so I won’t make the same mistake.

Toxic friendships are bad for your health. By the time you enter your adult years you will have encountered one or more. Maybe you are the type who attracts toxic friendships. Some people are like that. They have an active rescuing chip in the brain and they cannot seem to help themselves. Is that you?

Toxic is synonymous with poisonous, deadly, unhealthy. Your system is not made to exist with anything toxic. If you listen to your inner self it will alert you that the friend you chose is bad for your mental health. Here are 7 signs you have a toxic friend.

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Your friend needs to be the center of attention

Toxic people crave attention and they will get it in any form. They can be nice to be noticed. Or they create drama to draw attention toward themselves. Even negative attention accomplishes their goal.

A toxic friend can hijack your special event, like a birthday party or celebrating your recent promotion. When the focus of the moment should be on you, it somehow shifts to her. Why? Because toxic people struggle with insecurity and the way they cope is to keep the attention on them.

Your friend always takes and rarely gives

Toxic friends are always on the take. You are the “lending tree” and they are the “picker”. They want to borrow your car, clothes, money, and your precious time. When they call or text, the expectation is that you will respond immediately. If not, expect a flood of 911 messages to follow.

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When it is your turn to need support, don’t count on a toxic friend to respond. Your needs are not as important as what they are doing at the moment. A litany of excuses (many untrue) are given and you’re supposed to understand. After all, their problems are more important than yours. In reality, toxic people lack empathy, an important friendship trait.

Your friend uses guilt to control your friendship

Toxic friends are experts in making you feel sorry for them. They play the victim role at an Oscar award winning level. Because they create a lot of drama, you are at their beck and call. Guilt is an underlying current that dictates the relationship. You never know what might happen if you don’t respond when they call.

Individuals with a tendency to “rescue” or “fix” others are susceptible to toxic friendships. You think you can turn this person around, yet in the end, you are the one being controlled. Guilt keeps you responding.

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Your friend is impulsive and repeats bad behavior

Toxic people tend to be impulsive. They do not think about the outcome of their decisions. Instead, they just act in the moment. The problem is that often their impulsive behavior gets them in trouble.

Impulse control is a function in the brain that regulates behavior. It involves frustration tolerance, the ability restrain impulses and live within limits. People with poor and impulse control and lower frustration tolerance make decisions quickly and don’t factor in potential risks or consequences. At times you may feel like your banging your head against a wall trying to get a toxic friend to look at her behavior. It won’t work if she is ruled by her impulses. Which brings up the next toxic sign.

Your friend blames others for her faults

Have you noticed that your toxic friend creates a lot of problems? But does she accept responsibility for them? Toxic people usually blame others and rarely take ownership for their actions. It’s always someone else’s fault. If you have a toxic friend then you’ve likely been blamed too!

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It is difficult to feel safe in a relationship with a friend who blames others for her problems. It can be like walking on eggshells around her. You know they are the problem but somehow they make you feel like you are. So here’s another sign.

Your friend makes you doubt yourself

A toxic friend can get into your head and make you doubt yourself. Suddenly, you’re questioning yourself and wondering what you’re doing wrong in the relationship. You may feel responsible for her problems. Some toxic people are so convinced in their minds about things and state their case with such conviction, it can mess with your head.

You want to end the friendship but feel trapped

As I mentioned earlier, guilt is one of the toxins that controls the relationship. Toxic people are very manipulative in friendships. It feels a little like Hotel California, “you can check out anytime you want but you can never leave.”

Good friendships don’t come with traps. You should have the freedom to be yourself and not be overburdened by drama. If this is not how it feels with your friend, it is likely because she is toxic. You may feel trapped but it doesn’t mean you are. Do not allow guilt or fear control you. You are free to walk away.

Featured photo credit: Dollar Photo Club via dollarphotoclub.com

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Last Updated on February 11, 2021

Easily Misunderstood by Others? 6 Barriers You Should Overcome to Make Communication Less Frustrating

Easily Misunderstood by Others? 6 Barriers You Should Overcome to Make Communication Less Frustrating

How often have you said something simple, only to have the person who you said this to misunderstand it or twist the meaning completely around? Nodding your head in affirmative? Then this means that you are being unclear in your communication.

Communication should be simple, right? It’s all about two people or more talking and explaining something to the other. The problem lies in the talking itself, somehow we end up being unclear, and our words, attitude or even the way of talking becomes a barrier in communication, most of the times unknowingly. We give you six common barriers to communication, and how to get past them; for you to actually say what you mean, and or the other person to understand it as well…

The 6 Walls You Need to Break Down to Make Communication Effective

Think about it this way, a simple phrase like “what do you mean” can be said in many different ways and each different way would end up “communicating” something else entirely. Scream it at the other person, and the perception would be anger. Whisper this is someone’s ear and others may take it as if you were plotting something. Say it in another language, and no one gets what you mean at all, if they don’t speak it… This is what we mean when we say that talking or saying something that’s clear in your head, many not mean that you have successfully communicated it across to your intended audience – thus what you say and how, where and why you said it – at times become barriers to communication.[1]

Perceptual Barrier

The moment you say something in a confrontational, sarcastic, angry or emotional tone, you have set up perceptual barriers to communication. The other person or people to whom you are trying to communicate your point get the message that you are disinterested in what you are saying and sort of turn a deaf ear. In effect, you are yelling your point across to person who might as well be deaf![2]

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The problem: When you have a tone that’s not particularly positive, a body language that denotes your own disinterest in the situation and let your own stereotypes and misgivings enter the conversation via the way you talk and gesture, the other person perceives what you saying an entirely different manner than say if you said the same while smiling and catching their gaze.

The solution: Start the conversation on a positive note, and don’t let what you think color your tone, gestures of body language. Maintain eye contact with your audience, and smile openly and wholeheartedly…

Attitudinal Barrier

Some people, if you would excuse the language, are simply badass and in general are unable to form relationships or even a common point of communication with others, due to their habit of thinking to highly or too lowly of them. They basically have an attitude problem – since they hold themselves in high esteem, they are unable to form genuine lines of communication with anyone. The same is true if they think too little of themselves as well.[3]

The problem: If anyone at work, or even in your family, tends to roam around with a superior air – anything they say is likely to be taken by you and the others with a pinch, or even a bag of salt. Simply because whenever they talk, the first thing to come out of it is their condescending attitude. And in case there’s someone with an inferiority complex, their incessant self-pity forms barriers to communication.

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The solution: Use simple words and an encouraging smile to communicate effectively – and stick to constructive criticism, and not criticism because you are a perfectionist. If you see someone doing a good job, let them know, and disregard the thought that you could have done it better. It’s their job so measure them by industry standards and not your own.

Language Barrier

This is perhaps the commonest and the most inadvertent of barriers to communication. Using big words, too much of technical jargon or even using just the wrong language at the incorrect or inopportune time can lead to a loss or misinterpretation of communication. It may have sounded right in your head and to your ears as well, but if sounded gobbledygook to the others, the purpose is lost.

The problem: Say you are trying to explain a process to the newbies and end up using every technical word and industry jargon that you knew – your communication has failed if the newbie understood zilch. You have to, without sounding patronizing, explain things to someone in the simplest language they understand instead of the most complex that you do.

The solution: Simplify things for the other person to understand you, and understand it well. Think about it this way: if you are trying to explain something scientific to a child, you tone it down to their thinking capacity, without “dumbing” anything down in the process.[4]

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Emotional Barrier

Sometimes, we hesitate in opening our mouths, for fear of putting our foot in it! Other times, our emotional state is so fragile that we keep it and our lips zipped tightly together lest we explode. This is the time that our emotions become barriers to communication.[5]

The problem: Say you had a fight at home and are on a slow boil, muttering, in your head, about the injustice of it all. At this time, you have to give someone a dressing down over their work performance. You are likely to transfer at least part of your angst to the conversation then, and talk about unfairness in general, leaving the other person stymied about what you actually meant!

The solution: Remove your emotions and feelings to a personal space, and talk to the other person as you normally would. Treat any phobias or fears that you have and nip them in the bud so that they don’t become a problem. And remember, no one is perfect.

Cultural Barrier

Sometimes, being in an ever-shrinking world means that inadvertently, rules can make cultures clash and cultural clashes can turn into barriers to communication. The idea is to make your point across without hurting anyone’s cultural or religious sentiments.

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The problem: There are so many ways culture clashes can happen during communication and with cultural clashes; it’s not always about ethnicity. A non-smoker may have problems with smokers taking breaks; an older boss may have issues with younger staff using the Internet too much.

The solution: Communicate only what is necessary to get the point across – and eave your personal sentiments or feelings out of it. Try to be accommodative of the other’s viewpoint, and in case you still need to work it out, do it one to one, to avoid making a spectacle of the other person’s beliefs.[6]

Gender Barrier

Finally, it’s about Men from Mars and Women from Venus. Sometimes, men don’t understand women and women don’t get men – and this gender gap throws barriers in communication. Women tend to take conflict to their graves, literally, while men can move on instantly. Women rely on intuition, men on logic – so inherently, gender becomes a big block in successful communication.[7]

The problem: A male boss may inadvertently rub his female subordinates the wrong way with anti-feminism innuendoes, or even have problems with women taking too many family leaves. Similarly, women sometimes let their emotions get the better of them, something a male audience can’t relate to.

The solution: Talk to people like people – don’t think or classify them into genders and then talk accordingly. Don’t make comments or innuendos that are gender biased – you don’t have to come across as an MCP or as a bra-burning feminist either. Keep gender out of it.

And remember, the key to successful communication is simply being open, making eye contact and smiling intermittently. The battle is usually half won when you say what you mean in simple, straightforward words and keep your emotions out of it.

Reference

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