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10 Things You Should Not Say To A Grieving Person

10 Things You Should Not Say To A Grieving Person

When someone you care about is grieving, it is human nature to try to comfort them and help ease their pain. However, sometimes our good intentions can be more harmful than helpful, particularly the things we often say with the intention to make them feel better.

A large part of the problem is our own discomfort with grief and not knowing how to speak to someone who is grieving. Instinctively, we try to “fix” the hurt and make the pain go away. However, grief is a necessary process that cannot, and should not, be dusted under the rug so that the grieving person can feel good again.

As a therapist, I have many times worked with clients who have tried to treat feelings of loss and grief with a band-aid approach, only to find that their unresolved grief has manifested in other areas of their lives. If you want to support someone who is grieving, choose words that convey love and care, rather than offering advice and wisdom. Here are 10 things you should NOT say to a grieving person.

They are in a better place

Even if you know the person believes in a “better” place, the grief they are experiencing is not about where their loved one has gone to, but about the sense of loss that they will never share moments with their loved one again. On a mental level, there might be some solace knowing that their loved one is somewhere better, on an emotional level, hearing that can lead to feelings of anger and resentment that there is a better place other than right here, with people that love them.

What to say instead:

Acknowledge the loss by saying, “I am so sorry for your loss, [he/she] will be sorely missed.” Saying this conveys the message that you recognize that the grief is about the fact that the person is no longer around and that it is a difficult time for everyone.

I know how you feel

Even if you have experienced a similar loss, you DO NOT know how the person feels. There is an expression that goes “no two griefs are the same.” You might be able to relate the the grieving person’s pain, but remember that their time of grief is not about you, it is about them. If you truly have experienced a similar loss, you would know that during times of grief, your thoughts and actions are ruled by your emotions. Hearing someone say they “know how you feel” can sometimes lead to feelings of anger toward that person.

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What to say instead:

Do not assume you know how they feel. Rather say, “You are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.” This lets the person know that you recognize they are having a difficult time and that you are thinking about them even when you are not around.

It was God’s will

Regardless of your religious beliefs, and even if you know the person shares your faith, when you lose someone you love it is natural to experience feelings of anger and question God or whatever higher power you believe in. Reiterating the role the will of God has played in the person’s loss can fuel these feelings at a time when the grieving person most needs to hold onto their faith.

What to say instead:

If you know the person shares your belief in God, try to remind them that God loves and cares about them and God is aware of their pain. For example, “I pray that God will make it easy for you and your family during this difficult time”.

Everything happens for a reason

There can never be any reason good enough that will make the pain of loss any less. When you say this, you are expecting the grieving person to think about their loss logically, when in reality there is no logic in grief.

What to say instead:

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Say something that affirms the questions a person who is grieving will often ask with something like, “It is so hard to know why we lose people when we do. I am so sorry for your loss.”

You can still have another child/remarry

This is probably the most distasteful things one can say, especially when someone is newly grieving. It implies that the person they have lost is easily replaceable.

What to say instead:

Honor the fact that the person lost can never be replaced. You could say, “I know how much you loved [name], [he/she] will forever remain in our hearts.”

You have to be strong

Do not dismiss the right the person has to grieve. Why do they need to be strong? For who? Being “strong” is not for the benefit of the grieving person, but for those around them. People often say this to people who have children, because the assumption is that it is not good for children to see their parents sad. On the contrary, children should not be socialized to deny or hide their emotions, but to embrace and process it. By seeing your parent express sadness, but deal with it in healthy ways such as talking to a friend, crying on someone’s shoulders, and talking to their kids about how they feel, this builds more resilient children.

What to say instead:

If you are concerned about the wellbeing of a child or children, rather ask, “How are the kids holding up?” Or, if you feel they need some relief from all the grief, how about offer to take the kids for a walk or to the park, or even just to spend some time with the kids at home while the grieving person takes time to grieve.

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They wouldn’t want you to feel sad

It may not be your intention, but saying this is synonymous with guilt-tripping the person into not feeling sad. Of course nobody want to see their loved one feel sad, but that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t. Grief and sadness is a necessary part of processing the loss, and saying that can make the person feel like they aren’t handling the loss “correctly.”

What to say instead:

Sometimes people need to hear that it is okay to feel sad. Say, “I can see you are really sad, just know that I am here for you.” This let’s the person know that you know that they are feeling sad and that it is okay.

At least they aren’t suffering now

This may be true, particularly when the person who died had been suffering from pain prior to passing, however the grieving person does not need to be reminded of this pain, nor do they want to believe that anything is better than having their loved one around. Saying this can also make the person feel guilty for wishing their loved one was still alive, as though they should be thankful for the loss.

What to say instead:

Rather focus on the positive attributes about the person’s life that the grieving person would want to remember by saying something like, “[name] showed so much strength,” or “I will always remember [name]’s [positive trait e.g. laugh].”

If you need anything, give me a call

This is probably the most common offer of help given to a grieving person, so it will surprise many to hear that it is one of the most unhelpful things you can say. When someone is overcome with grief, it can be difficult for them to plan ahead and think about what help they will need, and when they do realize they need help it can be very difficult for many people to actually pick up the phone and call you.

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What to say instead:

If you are sincere in your offer of help, rather be specific in your offering. For example, if you know you are going to the grocery store, you could give the person a call and ask if they need any groceries that you can drop off. The influx of visitors who come to pay their respects can also place a huge burden on the grieving person, so offer to serve guests tea, or offer to bake a cake or cook a meal.

At least they lived a long life, some people die so young

It doesn’t matter how long the person lived, losing their presence in your life is still hard. Saying this implies the person lived long enough and that the grieving person should feel grateful that the person hadn’t died sooner.

What to say instead:

Share your favorite memory of the person they have lost instead, as this acknowledges the life the person lived without dismissing that the fact that the grieving person will not be able to make new memories and that this is a source of great sadness. For example, “I will always remember that time… [he/she] will be sorely missed.”

It is not always easy to thing of the right thing to say in the moment. If you are at a loss for words, there is no shame in admitting so. Tell the person, “I wish I knew the right words to say, just know that I am here for you”.

Giving someone who is grieving a firm, supportive hug can go a long way.

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Last Updated on October 18, 2018

The Top 10 Dating Apps That You Won’t Regret Downloading

The Top 10 Dating Apps That You Won’t Regret Downloading

Online dating is getting much more popular these days and now, plenty hard to avoid. Since Tinder and the wave of new apps that are coming out at a seemingly constant rate, it is becoming that much more popular to meet someone online.

So we have put together the top 10  dating apps that you should be ready  to download in 2015.

10. Tangle

Basically a newer version of Missed Connections Craigslist, it matches you with people you walk by who are on the same app, and then if you both like each other, you can contact each other. It’s as simple and fun as Tinder, once you happen to walk by someone you actually like.

tangle

    9. The Dating Ring

    This one is a professional matchmaking service that takes you out of the dating situation. For the more busy daters out there, it’s a great resource, as they seem to take the work out if to for you and you can then relax and get set up on dates as opposed to doing the research up front.

    The price is per date or monthly subscription.

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    dating ring

      8. Ok Cupid

      A traditional site, but also an oldie and a goodie. Although you can be swarmed with many creeper messages, there are still a handful of quality users on the site that can make all the bad ones seem so much less important.

      You can search for people based on your preferences, get a match of the day, and see who is online. OkCupid also offers in-person single event mixers, which are a great way to actually get out of the house and date more, once you’re ready.

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        7. The Grade

        This new app measures you as an eligible date based on a grade. It grades on a scale of A to F, based on things like your messages and pictures.

        It’s a great way to weed out the creeper messages that women tend to get more, but also promotes better online dating behavior and not hiding behind a profile.

        the grade

          6. Siren

          Siren is a Q&A platform and based on the answers to the questions the women asks, she can then control who can see them in the app. It also features a question of the day, to which users can answer and see each other’s answers to generate conversations.

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          Finally, for women, there’s the feature of a “siren call,” which allows for an announcement to basically call out to all the gentlemen in the app.  It’s a unique app, but the whole idea of submitting questions before you see the female user behind the question is not the best motivation to keep playing if your matches end up being someone you are attracted too.

          Siren

            5. Coffee Meets Bagel

            Here, you get a ‘bagel’ match a day based on your personal preferences. If you both end up liking each other, a private chat is set up that expires after a week.

            Coffee Meet Bagel lets you focus on one match a day as opposed to many many matches to sift through. Although it isn’t as high frequency as Tinder, for example, it is typically for more serious daters and people generally seem more engaged on the app.

            There are less things to worry about and no more multitasking!

            CMB

              4. Tinder

              The one that inspired and started making online dating cooler. Swipe right to like a profile, swipe left to pass.

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              And should you choose, you can connect with the users that only swipe right. Yes, Tinder can feature many creepy users and people only looking for hook ups, but it’s fun, easy and addicting to use.

              tinder

                3. Bumble

                A women-centric new app that launched this past Fall, Bumble is similar to the Tinder format except that women need to make the first move 24 hours after a match is made or the connection disappears forever.

                So far a great app with a good design, and since it launched internationally, you can end up matching with someone across the country. A great way to filter through the empty swipes and bots.

                bumble

                  2. Hinge

                  Less random than Tinder, Hinge users only get matched with friends of friends, which seems like a safer and cooler way to match than with random people. It also limits the amount of matches you get per day based on your network, which weeds out the many bots that are becoming ever so normal on Tinder.

                  You also get to see a match’s education and work upfront. Then, you rate the match and the app sends you an introduction if it’s mutual.

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                  hinge

                    1. The Catch

                    Finally, something different than the Tinder wanna-be instant swipe. The Catch appears as a cross between “The Bachelorette” and “The Dating Game.”

                    Women are in the driving seat where they invite a group of men to play a Q&A game and narrow down the men contestants based on the guys’ answers. The combination of online gaming mechanics and the ‘thrill-of-the-chase’ attraction of real world dating provide a fundamentally more fun and entertaining way to find a match online.

                    And what’s more, men don’t need to spend hours and hours sorting through profiles and messaging women who don’t reply back. Instead, here they are invited to a game and get daily engagement that isn’t the old “swipe,” while women get to ask questions they care about the answers to, as opposed to a stock questionnaire.

                    thecatch.co

                      Featured photo credit: none via eu.fotolia.com

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