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3 Reasons Why We Shouldn’t Forget Our Unhappiness

3 Reasons Why We Shouldn’t Forget Our Unhappiness

It is tempting to want to avoid all pain and discomfort. In fact, it is part of the human experience, even evolutionarily advantageous, to recognize and avoid pain. But simply trying to forget unhappiness or brush it under the rug will not help. It can actually hurt you to avoid unhappiness. It’s  not fun or easy, but there are some important reasons why acknowledging your unhappiness instead of avoiding it is essential to living a healthy and whole life.

1. You cannot selectively numb unhappiness without numbing joy, gratitude, love, and happiness

Researcher Dr. Brené Brown says that, “You can’t selectively numb. When you numb shame, you numb everything.” If you are continually numbing and forgetting your discomfort then you have no room in your life for joy, gratitude, love, and happiness. It’s a package deal. I don’t want to just gloss over pain with one wide brush of cliches — “you can’t reach the light without going through the darkness,” “there’s always a storm before a rainbow,” blah, blah, blah. But these ideas become clichés for a reason — they’re true.

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Experiencing unhappiness is a part of the human experience. Admittedly, it’s my least favorite part, but what can I do? I have to go through it. By allowing my pain to exist without trying to shove it into a deep, dark closet somewhere in the recesses of my soul, I can use that pain to understand more about why it’s present in my life. And when I allow myself to experience it, then I can experience joy and gratitude when it passes.

2. Unhappiness will not go away simply because you choose to ignore it

That might sound negative. But think about it this way: if you are always avoiding the pain in your life, where do you expect it to go?

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A relationship might be making you unhappy. Ignoring your unhappiness in that relationship will not make the sadness go away. Only dealing with the root of the pain can have any impact. I know how easy it is to try to ignore, to attempt to forget and run away from pain, only to find it constantly knocking on the door of my heart. If I ignore it long enough, the pain will start leaking in through the windows and manifesting in weird ways (ever had a crazy meltdown if Starbucks gets your order wrong?). Forgetting about the pain just won’t work. It will always be there, waiting to be addressed, waiting to be felt.

It’s like if you were experiencing a surprising pain in your back but you didn’t deal with it. You just take a ton of Advil and try not to move as much. The problem will not resolve itself and spine issues are no joke. It won’t be resolved until you go to a doctor and discover what’s happening beneath the surface. I’m not saying that every single source of unhappiness requires professional help, but it does require attention. And it’s not going anywhere until it gets what it needs.

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3. Unhappiness is a sign that something needs to be adjusted in your life

When you are unhappy, sad, angry, disappointed, lonely, or frustrated, the last thing you want to do is stop and process that emotion. If you’re anything like me, you want punch that discomfort in the face and run and hide under a blanket of Netflix and chocolate, hoping that the pain will forget you ever existed. Take it from me, this is not a useful coping technique. Instead of trying to forget about the unhappiness in my life, I’m learning to treat it as a sign. Discomfort in your life is a sign that something is wrong, or that something needs to be adjusted.

If you feel extremely anxious in certain social situations, maybe it’s time to evaluate who your friends are. It might be time to find safer people to surround yourself with. If you just really sad at the end of the day, it’s time to examine your career choices. If that’s not an option, think about what would make coming home at the end of the day a relaxing and rewarding experience. Do you tend to overreact when someone forgets about an appointment or a friend blows you off? Think about the first time you felt that deep pang of rejection or abandonment. You might be reliving a more fundamental and serious pain that is aggravating smaller more mundane sources of frustration.

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Featured photo credit: Ed Gregory via stokpic.com

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Emily Myrin

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Last Updated on October 22, 2019

How to Get “I Can’t Do It” Out of Your Vocabulary

How to Get “I Can’t Do It” Out of Your Vocabulary

When someone says, “I can’t do it” . . . I say to myself, “What do you mean you can’t do it?” Maybe you don’t want to do it, but saying you “can’t” do it is a completely different story.

With the right mindset, positive attitude, and a clear vision of what you want to accomplish, the only thing that is holding you back is yourself.

Can’t is a terrible word and it has to be taken out of your vocabulary.

By saying you can’t do something, you’re already doubting yourself, submitting to defeat, and you’re making that barrier around your life tighter.

So today, right now, we are going to remove this word for good.

From now on there is nothing we can’t do.

“Attitude is Tattoo”

Your attitude is everything; it’s your reason, your why and how, your facial expression, emotions, body language, and potentially the end result. How you approach an opportunity, and the result of it, is solely based on you — not your boss or your co-worker or friend.

If you enter a business meeting with a sour attitude, that negative energy can spread like wildfire. People can also feel it — maybe even taste it. This is not an impression you want to leave.

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Now imagine you enter a business meeting with a positive attitude, that whatever happens in here is going to be your result, in your control, not someone else’s. Of course, we can’t always win, but even if the outcome is negative, your attitude and perception can turn it into a positive. The question is: can you do it?

Of course you can, because there is nothing in this world you can’t do.

It’s much better to be known for your positive attitude — your poise, your energy, the reason why things go so well because you are able to maintain such character. A negative attitude is easy. It’s easy to complain, it’s easy to be mad, and it’s even easier to do nothing to change it.

When I say your “attitude is tattoo”, it sounds permanent. Tattoos can be removed, but that’s not the point. Your attitude is like a tattoo because you wear it. People can see it and sometimes, they will judge you on it. If you maintain a negative attitude, then it is permanent until you change it.

Change your attitude and I guarantee the results change as well.

Believe You Can Do It

Do you know why most people say “can’t” and doubt themselves before trying anything?

It’s our lack of self-confidence and fear on many different levels. The one thing we have to purge from ourselves is fear — fear of bad results, fear of change, fear of denial, fear of loss, the fear that makes us worry and lose sleep. Worrying is the same as going outside with an umbrella, waiting for rain to hit it. Stop worrying and move on.

Confidence is fragile: It builds up slowly, but can shatter like glass. Project your confidence and energy into believing in yourself. This is a very important and groundbreaking step — one that is usually the hardest to take. Start telling yourself you can do something, anything, and you will do it the best to your ability. Remove doubt, remove fear, and stick with positive energy.

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Embrace Failure

Do not fear failure. Do not run away from it. Face it, learn from it, grow, and take action. Just remember: You will never know success if you have never failed.

Your confidence will bolster after embracing these facts. You will be immune to demoralizing results, and instead you will find ways to fix it, improve upon it, and make it better than before. You will learn to never say “can’t,” and will realize how many more opportunities you can create by removing that one word.

Don’t let one simple and ugly word plague your confidence. You’re better and stronger than that.

Start Making the Change

But to actually start the process of change is very challenging.

Why is that?

Fear? Time? Don’t know how — or where — to start?

It’s hard because what we’re doing is unlearning what we know. We are used to doing things a certain way, and chances are we’ve been doing them for years.

So here are some ways that I avoid using the word “can’t”, and actually take the steps to put forth the change that I wish to see. I hope you can incorporate these methods into your life.

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Write down What You Want to Change

Write it on post-its, notecards, whatever makes you comfortable — something you will always see. I usually write mine on post-its and put them all over the wall behind my monitor so I always see them.

Tell a Friend and Talk About It

Discussing your goals, what you want to change, is very effective when you say it out loud and tell another person other than yourself. It’s almost like saying, hey, I bet I can do it — watch me.

When you fulfill that goal and tell your friend, it feels rewarding and will motivate you to do it again in a different aspect. Who knows? Maybe your friend adopts the same mindset as you.

Stop Yourself from Saying the Forbidden Word

Sometimes,I can’t control myself in public when I’m with friends, so I have to be careful with the words I use so I don’t embarrass or insult anyone.

Treat the word “can’t” as the worst word you can possibly use. Stop yourself from saying it, mid-sentence if you must, and turn your whole perspective around — you can do it, you will do it, and nothing is impossible!

Repetition, Repetition, Repetition

You think this change will be overnight? No way. This is a practice. Something you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life from now until forever.

As I said earlier, you are unlearning what you know. You know how easy it is to say you can’t do something, so by unlearning this easy practice, you’re self-disciplining yourself to live without boundaries.

Practice this everyday, a little at a time, and before you know it, the word can’t will not be part of your language.

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Do Anything That Can Relieve Your Uncertainty

When I catch myself saying I can’t do something or I don’t know something, looking up information on that action or subject, doing research, educating yourself, relieves that uncertainty.

Sometimes, we think we can’t do something because the whole idea of it seems too large. We skip the small steps in our head and only focus on the end.

Before you say you can’t do something, rewind and slow down a little bit. Focus on what the first step is, then the next. Take it a step at a time, and before you know it you will have done something you previously thought you couldn’t do.

Final Thoughts

You know what you must do. The first step is right now. Once you begin this habit, and really start noticing some change, you’ll realize the door to opportunity is everywhere.

The funny thing is: Those doors have always been there. The evil word that we no longer use put a veil over our eyes because that’s how powerful that word is.

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Featured photo credit: Cata via unsplash.com

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