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My Menopause Journey with my Adolescent Son

My Menopause Journey with my Adolescent Son

Menopause can be a difficult time for a woman. Add one adolescent son and you have a volatile mix of a short-tempered, often angry mother and a selfish, grunting, self-centered son. For me, I feel like I am on a constant emotional roller coaster that I wish would stop. My son’s adolescent journey is at a time when I am least able to cope, yet a time the most is required of me.

I want to love my son, and he wants to love me, but all we do is clash with each other nearly every day with the most mundane of things. The one glimmer of hope is that throughout this journey we are able to discuss how we are feeling, once the dust has settled! B. was able to sit down with me this evening to help me with ideas for this article.

This is my discussion with my son B. (name withheld at his request!) We came up with 5 aspects that we do not like about ourselves that we seem to have no control over due to our hormones. We both agreed that there are aspects about ourselves that we do not like, yet have trouble controlling.

1. Lashing out/anger outbursts that seem to be beyond our control

Son: This is bullsh*t. Why do I have to do the dishes, they are only going to get dirty again.

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Translation: I am trying to get you angry so you say I do not have to do it. It works half the time.

Mother: I have cooked the dinner, why should I have to clean the dishes. I admit it, this may not be spoken in soft, loving words, but as an anger outburst, which only adds fuel to the flames.

Translation: I am tired of being treated like a maid. You are now an adult and therefore, should be helping out more in the home.

2. Pimples vs wrinkles

When our children are moving through adolescence, Mount Vesuvius seems to erupt on the face, upper chest and back. At least, B. acne will one day clear one day.

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My lack of estrogen has wrinkles developing on my once flawless complexion. It only seems like yesterday that I was agonising over my acne woes. Now I look back on photos and wonder why did I not enjoy my wrinkle free skin more, acne and all!

3. Weight gain vs high metabolism

This is one aspect that is just not fair. I pay close attention to my diet as the slightest deviation has me putting on weight in the middle despite running every day, walking the dog, doing the household chores and finally falling into bed in a heap after a long day.

B. sits at his computer playing games, gives me backchat when I force him out of the house to come for a walk and enjoy the sunshine, eats junk food galore (no matter how many times I have banned it from the house he finds a way to get it in) and eats whatever he chooses. Despite all this, he has the body of a Lothario, lean and like a “tank”. His testosterone is so high that there is not one ounce of fat on him.

For me, in menopause, testosterone is an all-time low, and this means more fat and less muscle, which in turn means more work for me to keep my body in tip-top shape.

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4.Obsessed with sex vs my non-existant libido

I did refer to B. as a Lothario! He has numerous equally hormonally-controlled females all vying for his attention. He is the king of the castle and loving all the adoration.

I, on the other hand, refers to date night as a night when I do not have to cook or do the dishes and get to relax and read a book that I can immerse myself into for the evening. Sex is the furthest from my mind, much to the chagrin of poor hubby!

5. Need to be needed

This was the last comment that my son relayed to me and surprised me.

At the end of it all, I need to be needed. I still need your love, even if I come across as aloof.

This quote was from my son, no me. Not the hormonal menopausal women.

At the end of the day, we have the same basic needs and that is love and attention, with a little bit of forgiveness!

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Published on January 30, 2019

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

How to Support a Working Mother as a Working Father

In roughly 60 percent of two-parent households with children under the age of 18, both parents work full time. But who takes time off work when the kids are sick in your house? And if you are a manager, how do you react when a man says he needs time to take his baby to the pediatrician?

The sad truth is, the default in many companies and families is to value the man’s work over the woman’s—even when there is no significant difference in their professional obligations or compensation. This translates into stereotypes in the workplace that women are the primary caregivers, which can negatively impact women’s success on the job and their upward mobility.

According to a Pew Research Center analysis of long-term time-use data (1965–2011), fathers in dual-income couples devote significantly less time than mothers do to child care.[1] Dads are doing more than twice as much housework as they used to (from an average of about four hours per week to about 10 hours), but there is still a significant imbalance.

This is not just an issue between spouses; it’s a workplace culture issue. In many offices, it is still taboo for dads to openly express that they have family obligations that need their attention. In contrast, the assumption that moms will be on the front lines of any family crisis is one that runs deep.

Consider an example from my company. A few years back, one of our team members joined us for an off-site meeting soon after returning from maternity leave. Not even two hours into her trip, her husband called to say that the baby had been crying nonstop. While there was little our colleague could practically do to help with the situation, this call was clearly unsettling, and the result was that her attention was divided for the rest of an important business dinner.

This was her first night away since the baby’s birth, and I know that her spouse had already been on several business trips before this event. Yet, I doubt she called him during his conferences to ask child-care questions. Like so many moms everywhere, she was expected to figure things out on her own.

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The numbers show that this story is far from the exception. In another Pew survey, 47 percent of dual-income parents agreed that the moms take on more of the work when a child gets sick.[2] In addition, 39 percent of working mothers said they had taken a significant amount of time off from work to care for their child compared to just 24 percent of working fathers. Mothers are also more likely than fathers (27 percent to 10 percent) to say they had quit their job at some point for family reasons.

Before any amazing stay-at-home-dads post an angry rebuttal comment, I want to be very clear that I am not judging how families choose to divide and conquer their personal and professional responsibilities; that’s 100 percent their prerogative. Rather, I am taking aim at the culture of inequity that persists even when spouses have similar or identical professional responsibilities. This is an important issue for all of us because we are leaving untapped business and human potential on the table.

What’s more, I think my fellow men can do a lot about this. For those out there who still privately think that being a good dad just means helping out mom, it’s time to man up. Stop expecting working partners—who have similar professional responsibilities—to bear the majority of the child-care responsibilities as well.

Consider these ways to support your working spouse:

1. Have higher expectations for yourself as a father; you are a parent, not a babysitter.

Know who your pediatrician is and how to reach him or her. Have a back-up plan for transportation and emergency coverage.

Don’t simply expect your partner to manage all these invisible tasks on her own. Parenting takes effort and preparation for the unexpected.

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As in other areas of life, the way to build confidence is to learn by doing. Moms aren’t born knowing how to do this stuff any more than dads are.

2. Treat your partner the way you’d want to be treated.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard a man on a business trip say to his wife on a call something to the effect of, “I am in the middle of a meeting. What do you want me to do about it?”

However, when the tables are turned, men often make that same call at the first sign of trouble.

Distractions like this make it difficult to focus and engage with work, which perpetuates the stereotype that working moms aren’t sufficiently committed.

When you’re in charge of the kids, do what she would do: Figure it out.

3. When you need to take care of your kids, don’t make an excuse that revolves around your partner’s availability.

This implies that the children are her first priority and your second.

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I admit I have been guilty in the past of telling clients, “I have the kids today because my wife had something she could not move.” What I should have said was, “I’m taking care of my kids today.”

Why is it so hard for men to admit they have personal responsibilities? Remember that you are setting an example for your sons and daughters, and do the right thing.

4. As a manager, be supportive of both your male and female colleagues when unexpected situations arise at home.

No one likes or wants disruptions, but life happens, and everyone will face a day when the troubling phone call comes from his sitter, her school nurse, or even elderly parents.

Accommodating personal needs is not a sign of weakness as a leader. Employees will be more likely to do great work if they know that you care about their personal obligations and family—and show them that you care about your own.

5. Don’t keep score or track time.

At home, it’s juvenile to get into debates about who last changed a diaper or did the dishes; everyone needs to contribute, but the big picture is what matters. Is everyone healthy and getting enough sleep? Are you enjoying each other’s company?

In business, too, avoid the trap of punching a clock. The focus should be on outcomes and performance rather than effort and inputs. That’s the way to maintain momentum toward overall goals.

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The Bottom Line

To be clear, I recognize that a great many working dads are doing a terrific job both on the home front and in their professional lives. My concern is that these standouts often aren’t visible to their colleagues; they intentionally or inadvertently let their work as parents fly under the radar. Dads need to be open and honest about family responsibilities to change perceptions in the workplace.

The question “How do you balance it all?” should not be something that’s just asked of women. Frankly, no one can answer that question. Juggling a career and parental responsibilities is tough. At times, really tough.

But it’s something that more parents should be doing together, as a team. This can be a real bonus for the couple relationship as well, because nothing gets in the way of good partnership faster than feelings of inequity.

On the plus side, I can tell you that parenting skills really do get better with practice—and that’s great for people of both sexes. I think our cultural expectations that women are the “nurturers” and men are the “providers” needs to evolve. Expanding these definitions will open the doors to richer contributions from everyone, because women can and should be both—and so should men.

Featured photo credit: NeONBRAND via unsplash.com

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