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Keep Calm and Carry On: 7 Strategies for Dealing with a Difficult Family Member During the Holidays

Keep Calm and Carry On: 7 Strategies for Dealing with a Difficult Family Member During the Holidays

As bright and merry as the holidays might be, it’s inevitable that tension within families will arise. How could they not? Put together a group of people who have been more or less estranged for several months (if not a year), douse them with sugar, booze, and high expectations, and you’re bound to confront a few challenges.

There’s our Uncle Joe, who unknowingly spits when he talks, over-imbibes, and used his experience in the war as a launching pad for uncomfortable political debates. There’s our Aunt Gini, who, make no mistake about it, will find a way to bring up someone’s latest scandal just as the turkey is being served. There’s the Mother Hen, who’s a Nazi in the kitchen; the sullen nephew; the angry cousin; the philandering new husband. The list goes on, and the migraine intensifies, until the mere thought of enduring a two-hour family dinner has you running toward the hills.

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However you define “difficult” in your family, the good news is that you can keep calm and carry on. Here’s how.

1. Set boundaries.

Perhaps there was a time in your past when you were vulnerable (and, let’s admit it, a bit tipsy on your grandmother’s mulled wine) and dished about your personal life, down to the minutest, most sordid detail. Put that in the past, and face this holiday season with a commitment to remain mum, lest your stories or confessions be used as ammo in the future. And, yes: mum. When someone asks an intimate question, smile and say, “Have you tried this pecan pie?” Or confuse them with an equally intimate question, your eyebrows raised. Or distract them with a compliment. However you choose to handle the awkward moment, know that boundaries exist for a reason and no one should persuade you to cross them. It’s one of the great pleasures of adulthood.

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2. Realize you’re not a magician (or a therapist, stylist, admissions counselor, or bartender).

By this, I mean, you’re not responsible for anyone else’s happiness, nor are you there to listen to your cousin’s litany of complaints about the dating scene in Orlando. This is a crucial lesson to learn, and one that takes years to fully sink in. But think about it: if you walk into a holiday party, convinced your grandfather’s satisfaction with the event is your responsibility and yours alone, you’re destined for disappointment. Likewise, if you believe that an hour’s chat over champagne will heighten your sister’s self-esteem and lead to her making smarter, safer choices, you’re headed for a letdown. Be polite, help with the dishes, praise the hosts, offer your warmth and love, but remember that while you might be able to provoke a smile, you can’t guarantee anyone else’s contentment except your own.

3. Avoid drama.

Holidays are ripe for drama, because here’s a newsflash: spiked eggnog, rich dishes, claustrophobic living rooms, overstimulated children, and adults with their noses out of joint does not a pretty party make. Inescapably, someone will find something to get upset about—and will want you to jump on their train of self-pity and rage. Your job is to stay off it at any cost. Which brings me to my next point—

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4. Have an exit strategy.

This could be temporary (“Excuse me, I have to use the ladies’ room”) or more lasting (informing the hosts ahead of time that you’ll be leaving at 9:30 because of a prior commitment). Avoid carpooling if your riding partners have a reputation for overstaying their welcome, keep your cellphone handy, and never allow yourself to be bullied into staying “just for one more.” (We all know there’s never been a more deceptive plea.) Having a way out will give you comfort throughout the event, allowing you to acknowledge and appreciate that your time there is finite.

5. Wear a shield.

And no, I don’t mean the Batman shield you bought your son at Walgreens for Halloween—I mean an invisible shield that protects you from the insults and injuries of others. Whether your mother-in-law has a habit of saying, “My, you look healthy!” (code for “you’ve put on weight”) or your uncle criticizes your food (“Cranberry relish? Again?”), envisioning an impenetrable bulwark around you will keep you from falling prey to the outward manifestations of someone else’s self-hate. If someone says something scathing—or even downright hurtful—allow it to bounce right off you, preferably right back into their face.

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6. Open your heart, but claim it as your own.

It’s indisputable: the way we feel about someone is directly reflected in the way they treat us in return. If you have doubts about your niece’s decision to switch careers in a formidable economy or have frankly never been fond of your son’s girlfriend’s choice of attire, now is not the time to let either pettiness or harsh opinions surface. If we arrive ill-disposed towards a particular person, there’s hardly a doubt that said individual will respond in kind (or, rather, not so kindly). Smile with honestly, listen with impunity, treat everyone fairly, and your desire to get along with others will transpire.

7. Give thanks.

No matter the conflict and tension that might emerge—or even catch fire—realize that every holiday we have to spend with our relatives is a gift. Abandoning unrealistic expectations of pure harmony will enable you to appreciate the holidays for what they are: an occasion to feel the magnitude of how very blessed we are.

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Last Updated on July 8, 2020

How to Say No When You Say Yes Too Often

How to Say No When You Say Yes Too Often

Do you say yes so often that you realize you aren’t really happy about this, wondering how to say no to people?

For years, I was a serial people pleaser. Known as someone who would step up, I would gladly make time especially when it came to volunteering for certain causes. I proudly carried this role all through grade school, college, even through law school. For years, I thought saying “no” meant I would disappoint a good friend or someone I respected.

But somewhere along the way, I noticed I wasn’t quite living my life. Instead, I seem to have created a schedule that was a strange combination of meeting the expectations of others, what I thought I should be doing, and some of what I actually wanted to do. The result? I had a packed schedule that left me overwhelmed and unfulfilled.

It took a long while but I learned the art of saying no. Saying ‘no’ meant I no longer catered fully to everyone else’s needs and could make more room for what I really wanted to do. Instead of cramming too much in, I chose to pursue what really mattered. I started to manage my time more around my own needs and interests. When that happened, I became a lot happier. And guess what? I hardly disappointed anyone.

The Importance of Saying No

When you learn the art of saying ‘no,’ you begin to look at the world differently. Rather than seeing all of the things you could or should be doing (and aren’t doing), you start to look at how to say yes to what’s important.

In other words, you aren’t just reacting to what life throws at you. You seek the opportunities that move you to where you want to be.

Successful people aren’t afraid to say no. Oprah Winfrey considered one of the most successful women in the world confessed that it was much later in life when she learned how to say no. Even after she had become internationally famous, she felt she had to say yes to virtually everything. It was only when she realized that after years of struggling with saying no, I finally got to this question: “What do I want?”

Being able to say no also helps you manage your time better.

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Warren Buffett views no as essential to his success. He said,

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”

When I made ‘no’ a part of my toolbox, I drove more of my own success focusing on fewer things and doing them well.

How We Are Pressured to Say Yes

It’s no wonder a lot of us find it hard to say ‘no.’

From an early age, we are conditioned to say ‘yes.’ We said yes probably hundreds of time in order to graduate from high school and then get into college. We said yes to find work. We said yes get a promotion. We said yes to find love and then yes again to stay in a relationship. We said yes to find and keep friends.

We say yes because it feels better to help someone. We say yes because it can seem like the right thing to do. We say yes because we think that is key to success. And we say yes because the request might come from someone who is hard to resist like the boss.

And that’s not all. The pressure to say yes doesn’t just come from others. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves. At work, we say yes because we compare ourselves to others who seem to be doing more than we are. Outside of work, we say yes because we feel guilty we aren’t doing enough to spend time with family or friends.

The message no matter where we turn is nearly always, “You really could be doing more.” The result? When people ask us for our time, we are heavily conditioned to say yes.

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How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Deciding to add the word ‘no’ to your toolbox is no small thing. Perhaps you already say ‘no’ but not as much as you would like. Maybe you have an instinct that if you were to learn the art of ‘no’ that you could finally create more time for things you care about. But let’s be honest, using the word ‘no’ doesn’t come easily for many people.

The 3 Rules of Thumbs for Saying No

1. You Need to Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

Let’s face it. It is hard to say no. Setting boundaries around your time especially you haven’t done it much in the past will feel awkward.

2. You Are the Air Traffic Controller of Your Time

Remember that you are the only one who understands the demands for your time. Think about it, who else knows about all of the demands on your time? No one. Only you are at the center of all of these requests. are the only one that understands what time you really have.

3. Saying ‘No’ Means Saying ‘Yes’ to Something That Matters

When we decide not to do something, it means we can say yes to something else. You have a unique opportunity to decide how you spend your precious time.

6 Ways to Start Saying No

Incorporating that little word ‘no’ into your life can be transformational. Turning some things down will mean you can open doors to what really matters. Here are some essential tips to learn the art of no:

1. Check in With Your Obligation Meter

One of the biggest challenges to saying ‘no’ is a feeling of obligation. Do you feel you have a responsibility to say yes and worry that saying no reflect poorly on you?

Ask yourself whether you truly have the duty to say yes. Check your assumptions or beliefs about whether you carry the responsibility to say yes. Turn it around and instead ask what duty you owe to yourself.

2. Resist the Fear of Missing out (FOMO)

Do you have a fear of missing out (FOMO)? FOMO can follow us around in so many ways. At work, we volunteer our time because we fear we won’t move ahead. In our personal lives, we agree to join the crowd because FOMO even while we ourselves aren’t enjoying the fun.

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Check in with yourself. Are you saying yes because of FOMO or because you really want to say yes? More often than not, running after fear doesn’t make us feel better.

3. Check Your Assumptions About What It Means to Say ‘No’

Do you dread the reaction you will get if you say no? Often, we say ‘yes’ because we worry about how others will respond or the consequences of saying no or because of the consequences. We may be afraid to disappoint others or think we will lose respect from others. We often forget how much we are disappointing ourselves along the way.

Keep in mind that saying ‘no’ can be exactly what is needed to send the right message that you have limited time. In the tips below, you will see how to communicate your no in a gentle and loving way. You might disappoint someone initially but drawing a boundary can bring you the freedom you need so that you can give freely of yourself when you truly want to.

4. When the Request Comes In, Sit on It

Sometimes, when we are in the moment, we instinctively agree. The request might make sense at first. Or we typically have said yes to this request in the past.

Give yourself a little time to reflect on whether you really have the time, or can do the task properly. You may decide the best option is to say ‘no.’ There is no harm in giving yourself the time to decide.

5. Communicate Your ‘No’ with Transparency and Kindness

When you are ready to tell someone no, communicate your decision clearly. The message can be open and honest to ensure the recipient that your reasons have to do with your limited time.

Resist the temptation not to respond or communicate all. But do not feel obligated to provide a lengthy account about why you are saying no.

A clear communication with a short explanation is all that is needed. I have found it useful to tell people that I have many demands and need to be careful with how I allocate my time. I will sometimes say I really appreciate that they came to me and for them to check in again if the opportunity arises another time.

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6. Consider How to Use a Modified ‘No’

If you are under pressure to say yes but want to say no, you may want to consider downgrading a “yes” to a “yes but…” giving you an opportunity to condition your agreement to what works best for you.

Sometimes, the condition can be to do the task but not in the time frame that was originally requested. Or perhaps you can do part of what has been asked.

Final Thoughts

Beginning right now, you can change how you respond to requests for your time. When the request comes in, take yourself off autopilot where you might normally say yes.

Use the request as a fresh request to draw a healthy boundary around your time. Pay particular attention to when you place certain demands on yourself. If you are the one placing the demand on yourself, try to evaluate the demand as if it were coming from somewhere else.

Try it now. Say no to a friend who continues to take advantage of your goodwill. Or, draw the line with a workaholic colleague and tell them you will complete the project but not by working all weekend. Or, tell someone in your family you can’t loan them money again because they never paid you back the last time. You’ll find yourself much happier.

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Featured photo credit: Chris Ainsworth via unsplash.com

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