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Five Things Every Adoptive Mom Needs to Know

Five Things Every Adoptive Mom Needs to Know

It’s a story familiar to many adoptive moms but rarely talked about: You trek through mounds of paperwork, cash in your savings and clear space in your heart and home to welcome your bundle of joy…only to realize your uphill battle has just begun. While you’re thrilled to join the ranks of 135,000 other moms across the country in building your family through adoption, it’s hard to work out day-to-day issues in your home. Between the food hoarding, bed-wetting, back talking–and the list goes on and on…you love your child like crazy and you want the world to know you’re grateful for this parenting privilege! But you’re afraid they’ll think less of you and your children if you share your hardship.

If this is your story, you are not alone. Your journey might be unique but your struggles are not. Remembering these five things kept me in check along my own adoptive motherhood journey and I hope they’re a help to you:

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Your gain is their grief.

When we adopt our children, we like to believe their stories start with us–with the “point of rescue”, so to speak. But that’s a lie. Kids who are adopted lose so much when they’re ripped away from their cultural heritage, the only people who cared for them in their formative years and taken to a foreign land where they have to quickly learn to adapt to a new language, new food, and new smells. The best way to earn your child’s trust is to meet them where they are. To this day, my daughter won’t eat a PB&J sandwich. So we crank up the rice cooker and serve her foods that remind her of home. It’s a culinary adventure for the whole family to create and eat interesting dishes from our child’s birth country! We celebrate Chinese New Year with a feast and we’re saving up money to take her on a tour of her homeland someday. Paying homage to your child’s heritage makes them feel connected to their roots and reminds the whole family that we’re all world citizens taking part in a global conversation.

Don’t take it personally.

When your kids come from a hard place, you need to know that sometimes they will spar with you because you’re a safe place for them to work out insecurities buried inside. Don’t give up. See a counselor who specializes in adoptive family dynamics. Manage your expectations. Consider it a badge of honor when your kids pick a fight over school work or curfew! I’ve got a girlfriend who welcomed two teenage boys into her home. Their birth mom spiraled down a pit of drug addiction and they had nowhere to turn. So she invited them in with open arms and threw her whole self into loving, educating and providing for these kids. One kid adapted quickly to the love and structure she offered. The other kid cursed her out, pushed away her hugs and stole money from her purse. Her heart broke in two but she pressed on. She realized, it’s not about me, it’s about them.

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Dismiss conventional wisdom.

There’s no such thing as one-size-fits-all parenting advice. But especially as an adoptive parent, you need to be mindful that a different perspective needs to inform your parenting. When a child throws a fit, conventional wisdom says: “Put him or her in time-out.” But adoptive moms need to know that time-outs can reinforce feelings of isolation, rejection and lack of nurture.

Using “time-ins” in which a child sits next to you in a chair for a specified amount of time accomplishes the same thing as a “time-out” but communicates to your child that you’re not sending them away from your presence. Remember that your child has missed out on those newborn “mom on demand” years and maybe your child needs that. One adoptive mom of a five-year-old shared this bonding breakthrough with me: She held her 40-pound child in a rocking chair as though he was a baby and fed him juice through a sippy cup while gazing in his eyes. This looks ridiculous from the outside looking in, but studies show this can help form synapses in the brain that your child may have missed out on.

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Don’t expect gratitude from your kids–but take time to honor gratitude in your journey.

Chances are, your child didn’t ask to be rescued from a hard place. You made the good-hearted choice to build your family through adoption. Your kids may never thank you for it but you can keep a catalog of your gratitude. Even during the hard times–perhaps especially during the hard times–this record of thanks will keep your perspective on track as you do your hard work. Studies show this practice is an easy way to release toxic emotions like stress and frustration as you hit roadblocks along your parenting journey. And as you focus on the progress you’re making, it encourages you to keep going in a forward direction, even when you feel like you’re falling behind.

Social media can work in your favor.

We’re not meant to mother in isolation. A solid support system can be found with the click of Facebook where adoptive moms are eager to share resources, swap stories and encourage each other. Every issue ranging from “Reactive Attachment Disorder” to “Open Adoption” to “Special Needs Overseas Adoption” can be found on Facebook. I’m a member of several groups that chat online and one that meets face-to-face. Entering a judgment-free zone whether on the web or in person allows moms to vent, ask questions and share their stories. It’s the greatest fuel I can access to fill my gas tank when it’s running on empty.  Do yourself a favor and fill up your tank. You need to press on because your children need you.

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Featured photo credit: Hadley’s Gotcha Day/Jeff Hopkins via facebook.com

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Published on April 9, 2021

50 Single Mom Quotes On Staying Strong And Loving

50 Single Mom Quotes On Staying Strong And Loving

Being a mom is not easy. Being a single mom is even more challenging. Having children means you are on the job 24/7. Even while you are sleeping, you are still ready to wake at the slightest peep because that is what moms do.

Moms, especially single moms, need more people cheering them on. Your love and care matter to your kids. You are their superhero. I think single moms are superheroes, too.

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The quotes below are words of encouragement for all of the single moms out there. Keep up the great work! Your hard work will pay off. Someday, they will be grown up and living on their own. Your job will never truly be done as a mom, but you can pat yourself on the back today and every day for doing mom duty day in and day out.

Here are 50 single mom quotes to encourage all the single moms out there.

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  1. “Being raised by a single mother, I learned to appreciate and value independent women.”—Kenny Conley
  2. “As a single mum you’ll discover inner strengths and capabilities you never knew you had.”—Emma-Louise Smith
  3. “One thing I know for sure – this motherhood thing is not for sissies.”—Jennifer Nettles
  4. “Mothers and their children are in a category all their own. There’s no bond so strong in the entire world. No love so instantaneous and forgiving.”—Gail Tsukiyama
  5. “And one day she discovered that she was fierce and strong, and full of fire and that not even she could hold herself back because her passion burned brighter than her fears.”—Mark Anthony
  6. “She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn’t take them along.”—Margaret Culkin Banning
  7. “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”—Alice Walker
  8. “Everyone has inside of her a piece of good news. The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be, how much you can love, what you can accomplish, and what your potential is.”—Anne Frank
  9. “Doubt is a killer. You just have to know who you are and what you stand for.”—Jennifer Lopez
  10. “You are more powerful than you know; you are beautiful just as you are.”—Melissa Etheridge
  11. “Motherhood is the greatest thing and the hardest thing.”—Ricki Lake
  12. “You don’t take a class; you’re thrown into motherhood and learn from experience.”—Jennie Finch
  13. “If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life, you’ll never have enough.”—Oprah Winfrey
  14. “I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.”—Charlotte Brontë
  15. “Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”—Nora Ephron
  16. “When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.”—Diane Von Furstenberg
  17. “If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.”—Margaret Thatcher
  18. “Women have discovered that they cannot rely on men’s chivalry to give them justice.”—Helen Keller
  19. “Successful mothers are not the ones that have never struggled. They are the ones that never give up, despite the struggles.”—Sharon Jaynes
  20. “Success, they taught me, is built on the foundation of courage, hard work, and individual responsibility. Despite what some would have us believe, success is not built on resentment and fears.”—Susana Martinez
  21. “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”—Maya Angelou
  22. “The question isn’t who’s going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”—Ayn Rand
  23. “God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.”—Rudyard Kipling
  24. “The women whom I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way because stuff worked out. They got that way because stuff went wrong, and they handled it. They handled it in a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it. Those women are my superheroes.”—Elizabeth Gilbert
  25. “There will be so many times you feel like you failed. But in the eyes, ears, and mind of your child, you are a SUPER MOM.”—Stephanie Precourt
  26. “Motherhood is the ultimate call to sacrifice.”—Wangechi Mutu
  27. “We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.”—Maya Angelou
  28. “A mother’s arms are more comforting than anyone else’s.”—Princess Diana
  29. “There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”—Jill Churchill
  30. “There’s no doubt that motherhood is the best thing in my life. It’s all that really matters.”—Courtney Cox
  31. “I realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know.”—Mitch Albom
  32. “I have found being a mother has made me emotionally raw in many situations. Your heart is beating outside your body when you have a baby.”—Kate Beckinsale
  33. “Single moms, you are a doctor, a teacher, a nurse, a maid, a cook, a referee, a heroine, a provider, a defender, a protector, a true Superwoman. Wear your cape proudly.”—Mandy Hale
  34. “I’m not really single. I mean, I am, but I have a son. Being a single mother is different from being a single woman.”—Kate Hudson
  35. “Being a single parent is twice the work, twice the stress, and twice the tears but also twice the hugs, twice the love, and twice the pride.”—Unknown
  36. “For me, motherhood is learning about the strengths I didn’t know I had, and dealing with the fears I didn’t know existed.”—Halle Berry
  37. “A single mom tries when things are hard. She never gives up. She believes in her family, even when things are tough. She knows that above all things… a mother’s love is more than enough.”—Denice Williams
  38. “You do the best you can. Some days you feel really good about yourself and some days you don’t.”—Katie Holmes
  39. “I would say to any single parent currently feeling the weight of stereotype or stigmatization that I am prouder of my years as a single mother than of any other part of my life.”JK Rowling
  40. “Just because I am a single mother doesn’t mean I cannot be a success.”—Yvonne Kaloki
  41. “I didn’t plan on being a single mom, but you have to deal with the cards you are dealt the best way you can.”—Tichina Arnold
  42. “Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.”—Garrison Keillor
  43. “A single mom tries when things are hard. She never gives up. She believes in her family, even when things are tough. She knows that above all things, a mother’s love is more than enough.”—Deniece Williams
  44. “Motherhood has a very humanizing effect. Everything gets reduced to essentials.”—Meryl Streep
  45. “Having kids—the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings—is the biggest job anyone can embark on.”—Maria Shriver
  46. “Mother is a verb. It’s something you do. Not just who you are.”—Cheryl Lacey Donovan
  47. “A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dates all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.”—Agatha Christie
  48. “A mother’s arms are more comforting than anyone else’s.”—Princess Diana
  49. “The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”—W.R. Wallace
  50. “Being a mother is the greatest blessing and the hardest challenge in all of life.”—Dr. Magdalena Battles

Final Thoughts

Single moms are remarkable women. They are to be respected and honored for all that they do. If you know a single mom, then share this article with them. Tell them “you are doing a great job as a single mom.” They need our encouragement and support.

They may be parenting alone, but it is good to let them know that there are people in their life who care for them. We can all be there for the single moms out there. Even if it is just to say, “keep up the great work, you are an amazing woman!”

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If you are a single mom, keep up the good work! You are amazing, and your kids are lucky to have you!

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Featured photo credit: Alexander Dummer via unsplash.com

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