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12 Phrases You Should Never Say To People With Depression (Unless You’re Cold-Hearted Enough To Hurt Them)

12 Phrases You Should Never Say To People With Depression (Unless You’re Cold-Hearted Enough To Hurt Them)

Living with depression is like living in an alternate universe that your brain isn’t equipped to handle. Supporting a friend while they are living with depression can be difficult and uncomfortable. Many people opt to not say anything—and when they do speak up they end up saying the wrong thing. It’s easy to spout out altruistic phrases to a friend with depression, but instead of helping you are actually hurting them.

If you can avoid these 12 phrases you will be in a much better place to support your friend when they need you the most.

1. “It could be worse!”

Attempting to compare your friend’s situation to someone who seems worse off is not a helpful strategy. Depression isn’t based on life circumstance. It’s brain chemistry. Someone could be living what you would consider to be the easiest, best life ever, but the surface impression of someone’s life is not an indication of their internal life/feelings. Comparing their life to others with more trying life circumstances will only make your friend feel worse.

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2. “You should count your blessings.”

What might be a helpful strategy for you will not be helpful for someone living under the weight of depression. Thinking of all of the good things in life will not lift the cloud of depression from your friend. It will only heap guilt on top of their already struggling demeanor.

3. “You’re just in a funk.”

Don’t belittle your friends struggle. By claiming that is it just a passing “funk” you are telling your friend that their feelings are not valid. Don’t dismiss feelings that you do not understand.

4. “Have you tried…”

Someone living with depression does not want to be feeling the pain that they are feeling. They have tried everything they know how to try. You suggestions only make your friend feel silly and frustrated. If you personally don’t live with depression, you will never know the depth of the pain and the helplessness that your friend feels. Suggestions from someone without depression only serve to patronize and not support.

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5. “I totally understand. I get depressed sometimes too…”

If you think you get “depressed” sometimes, then you do not understand what depression is. Feeling sad or upset is not the same thing as being clinically depressed. Trying to relate to your friend who is in a situation that you have never truly been in will not help your friend feel loved and supported.

6. “You should focus on exercising and healthy eating!”

You should not be making recommendations about about how to cope with a serious mental illness if you’re not a professional. Your friend does not need another “professional” opinion. They need a friend. Physical health is related to mental heath, but chemical imbalances in the brain causing depression cannot be cured by going on a jog and having a salad.

7. “But you don’t look depressed!”

Depression isn’t a style. It doesn’t necessarily affect the viewable surface of someone. People suffering from depression come in all ages, races, genders, occupations and orientations. You can’t assume you understand someones feelings by how they appear to feel. Even if your friends looks healthy and seemingly happy, you should listen to them talk about how they really feel and believe them.

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8. “You can beat this.”

Depression isn’t the same as other physical illnesses. You can “get over it” like a cold. Asserting that your friend could “beat” their depression assumes that they’re in control of it. Phrases that assume your friend has power over their mental illness also assumes that they are responsible for how they feel.

9. “Why don’t you just do more of what you enjoy?”

When someone is depressed the things that they would normally enjoy are no longer enjoyable. That is one of the most brutal parts of living with depression. The passions and interests your friend once had have lost their color. Simply crafting, or going for walks isn’t going to cure their mental illness.

10. “You should look on the bright side.”

Saying this implies that you do not understand the reality of depression. There is no bright side. Living with depression means your friend is struggling to find the bright side.

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11. “Don’t I make you happy?”

Your friends depression has nothing to do with you. Don’t assume they no longer like you or want to hang out with you because the chemistry of their brain has changed. You’ll only make your friend feel guilty and desperate by making their pain all about yourself.

12. “Happiness is a choice!”

Not when you’re depressed. Reducing your friends struggle to an easy choice to be or not to be happy is overly simplistic and offensive. They aren’t choosing to feel the way they do and they can’t just choose not to feel that way.

By avoiding these phrases and other similar phrases you will be in a better place to understand and support your friend living with depression. They need you to listen, love and support them without attempting to fix their problems.

Featured photo credit: Ryan Melaugh via flickr.com

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Last Updated on August 13, 2018

5 Exercises To Improve Intimacy and Create a Better Relationship

5 Exercises To Improve Intimacy and Create a Better Relationship

Making love can be simultaneously the most pleasurable and the most stressful experience that we share with another human being. It is a natural conclusion of the ritual of intimacy we engage in with a person we find attractive on both a physical and psychological level. Yet, we are far removed from our animalistic roots, and that which was once a matter of instinct has become somewhat complex. This is a good thing; we have grown as a society, and there are many factors involved when it comes to the relationship between sexual partners. However, we have also lost a great deal of the physical prowess our primitive ancestors had.

They engaged in a huge amount of physical activities daily — activities that ensured their cardiovascular system and muscles were in great shape, which allowed them to have healthy libidos, strong erections, and the muscular strength, limberness and endurance to maintain different positions for a long time without getting exhausted. Luckily, we can regain some of these animalistic traits with the right kind of training. Here are some essential exercises that will help improve your relationship, but making you more confident in intimate settings, which means that you’ll have more satisfying intercourse.

Don Juan

    1. Cardio for Stamina

    If you’re out of shape, the first thing you’ll notice during intercourse is that you start to breathe heavily, sweat profusely and tire easily. This means you’ll have to shift your posture frequently and limit yourself to a few positions you feel comfortable with or significantly slow down the pace. A high BMI has also been linked to potential problems with erectile dysfunction. Cardiovascular exercises like running, jumping rope, swimming and cycling will build up your aerobic stamina and enable you to perform longer before becoming fatigued, thus having better intercourse. They’ll also help manage your weight, possibly helping performance.

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    Triathlon symbol
      • Running – 10-20 minutes a day (1-3 miles a day is more than enough)
      • Jumping rope – 5-20 minutes a day
      • Swimming – 30 minutes a day
      • Cycling – 30 minutes a day

      The time in minutes denotes time spent actively performing the exercise, and you need to factor in a bit more time for warming up before and cooling down after the exercises.

      These exercises can be performed every day or every other day, and the goal is to work on both endurance and speed. Don’t just go at a snail’s pace; constantly try to improve your time or add some mileage.

      2. Strength-Training for Your Lower Body and Core

      The next thing you’ll need to focus on is improving both the strength and muscular endurance of the hip flexors, abdominals and spinal erectors. These are the muscles engaged in thrusting and circular motions, and they also stabilize your body in a number of different positions. The legs also play an important role, particularly in standing and kneeling positions. Here are a few exercises that will help you strengthen up this area:

      Barbell squats
        • Heavy barbell squats – set up at a power rack at the gym and make sure you use proper form and weights that you can lift 3-8 times. Do this exercise before anything else in the gym for 4-5 sets to get big and powerful legs, as well as tighten up the muscles of the core. This is useful for both men and women, particularly if you enjoy the woman-on-top positions and standing positions. You can do hack squats on the machine if your gym lacks a power rack, but you won’t get the core-strengthening benefits

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        Zercher squat
          • Zercher squatsthis type of squat is a perfect way for guys to strengthen their body for standing positions where the woman is lifted off the ground. Build up a foundation of strength first, and then use lighter weights and go for 10-12 repetitions to focus on muscle endurance.

          Glute bridge
            • Glute bridgethis exercise is great for working the glutes and hip thrusters, and should be done for ultra-high reps —up to 100 — to increase muscle endurance. Once you become stronger in this movement, you can upgrade to the barbell glute bridge and keep the reps high — around 10 to 15.

            Hyperextensions
              • Hyperextensions – excellent for strengthening the spinal erectors, this exercise (or a variation of it) may be done in most gyms and even at home. Do 2 to 3 sets of 10 to 12 repetitions at the end of your workout.

              Ab wheel rollout
                • Ab wheel rollout – this is a great exercise for strengthening the abs, and requires only a piece of inexpensive equipment. It will help you stay stable and hold positions longer without getting tired during intercourse. Do three sets of this workout for as many repetitions as you can.

                Cross body crunch
                  • Cross body crunchthis exercise improves your ability to perform explosive twisting motions, particularly good for improving your stamina in the spoon position where you’e lying on your side. Do 2 to 3 sets of this exercise at the end of your workout.

                  Incorporate these exercises into your routine 2 to 3 times a week.

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                  3. Upper-Body Strength Training

                  Upper-body strength plays an important role in many popular sex positions where the arms are used to provide a stable base or hold onto the partner. These including missionary, doggy style, the stand and carry (with the woman holding onto the man’s neck) and others. Use these simple exercises to improve upper body strength and endurance:

                  Plank exercise
                    • Plank – while bench pressing is great for building a big chest, you will find yourself in need of static strength, muscle endurance and a strong core. This exercise is a great way to increase the amount of time you are able to hold positions that require you to support yourself with your arms. For added difficulty, straighten out your arms like at the top of a pushup and hold as long as you can.

                    Close grip pushups
                      • Close pushups – a pushup variation that focuses on triceps, which are the first to give out during a prolonged missionary or similar position. Go for very high reps, 20 t0 50, to work on muscle endurance.

                      Chin ups
                        • Chin-ups – A great upper back and biceps builder, this exercise will also target the core if you try to be as straight as possible when lifting yourself up. You can jump to help make things easier, or just hold as long as you can if you aren’t strong enough to perform a single chin up. Do 3 to 4 sets for as many reps as you can.

                        These exercises, done about three times a week, will help you develop a strong upper body that can keep going and hold you up for extended periods of time.

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                        4. Pelvic-Floor Exercises

                        You don’t have to perform these at the gym, although you could do them after your workout without anyone even noticing. The idea behind Kegel exercises is to improve blood flow to the sex organs and strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor in both men and women. By locating these muscles and tightening and relaxing them for intervals of 5 seconds for 10 to 15 repetitions at a time, several times a day, you can improve pleasure and performance during sex. Women can tighten their vaginal walls for increased pleasure to both them and their partner, while men can delay ejaculation by tightening these muscles.

                        5. Flexibility Moves for Legs and Hips

                        Lion stretching

                          If you want to avoid getting cramps — or even worse, pulling a muscle during intercourse — you should do a few simple stretches every day. The more limber you are, the more comfortable you’ll be with more exotic poses. Here are a few simple stretches to improve hip and leg flexibility:

                          Take a few minutes to warm up with some light running or jumping jacks before stretching, and spend some 10 minutes on these stretches. You can do them in the morning and at night, or shortly before intercourse.

                          With just a few hours a week devoted to exercise, you can improve your relationship significantly. If you focus on these exercises, over time, you just might become dynamite in bed.

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