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16 Deal Breakers for People Who Are Stuck in Toxic Relationships

16 Deal Breakers for People Who Are Stuck in Toxic Relationships

True confession: even though I’m a psychologist I’ve found myself stuck in a few toxic relationships over the years. Each time I’d wake up in a cold sweat in the the middle of the night wondering how I’d let it get to such a dangerous point. Sound familiar?

We can get blindsided when our partners are passive-aggressive and deceive and manipulate us. But even when our lovers blatantly mistreat us, we often stay in hopes that things will change.

Trust me. They won’t. I bravely fought my way out of my last toxic relationship years ago and know I’ll never be in another one again because I can now see the warning signs from miles away. If you’re in a toxic relationship, here are 16 deal breakers to help you find the courage to finally break free.

1. They push you around (literally).

These partners hit you, shove you, or hold your arm so tightly that it leaves a bruise. Once my six feet tall boyfriend leaned down and yelled two inches away from my face (I’m petite). It scared the hell out of me. I left the room before it could escalate and never came back. Give no second chances on physical abuse, even if your partner apologizes afterwards. Actions speak louder than words. If you put up with it, you’re telling him or her that it’s OK to treat you this way. It isn’t. Accept your losses and move on. Quickly.

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2. They criticize and shame you.

They cut you down with no consideration for your feelings and make you feel inadequate. A man I was involved with relentlessly criticized my looks, my outfits, the songs I wrote, pretty much everything about me. After our break up I jotted down all his verbal attacks and the list filled four single-spaced pages, two columns per page. Verbal abusers make you feel bad about yourself so that they’ll have power over you. Know your worth and get out.

3. They repeatedly cheat on you.

And you’re not in an open relationship. Slipping up once or twice may signal the need for the two of you to work through your issues with a therapist. What we’re talking about here is frequent infidelity. According to Dr. Phil, “The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.” I lived with a serial cheater for years. He never changed; he just got sneakier. You (and your children) deserve better.

4. They’re careless with those who depend on you.

If your partner belittles your children, kicks your dog, or continually “forgets” to give your sickly live-in mother her medication, it’s time to reconsider. Anyone who takes advantage of those who seem “weaker” than themselves is a bully. Don’t settle for this, even if he or she is nice to YOU.

5. They lie.

I once overheard my boyfriend lying to a colleague on the phone about a work assignment he didn’t do. He made up stuff on his resume and stole wine from his friends. I knew that if he lied to them he would lie to me. Sure enough I caught him cheating with my best friend. Relationships are built on trust. You can’t have a successful union if your partner regularly lies.

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6. They guilt-trip you.

These partners use your desire to be a good person to manipulate you into doing their bidding. I once cohabitated with a financially-troubled man who tried to coerce me into co-signing a loan for a big-ticket item. After giving me the cold shoulder for days, he lost his temper over it in front of our therapist (who he’d fooled into thinking he was a straight arrow). I was so relieved to watch him blow his cover and show himself for the covert aggressor he was. Life is too short to put up with guilt-manipulators.

7. You don’t like yourself when you’re with them.

If you feel worse about yourself when you’re around your partner, it’s time to get out. I once dated a guy who badgered me into doing karaoke with him knowing I felt demeaned by it (I’m a singer-songwriter with radio hits in addition to being a psychologist). He also guilted me into practicing with his makeshift band and then belittled my performance. I felt terrible about myself. He did the opposite of bring out the best in me. If this sounds like your situation, make a break for it while your self-esteem is still intact.

8. They make you doubt yourself.

When I tried to address the issue with my partner in the above point, he refused to admit that he’d put me down in front of his bandmates. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad, you’re too sensitive.” It confused me. Years later I realized that he must have felt threatened by my musical proficiency and was trying to bring me down to size. Toxic partners can make us second guess ourselves and even feel crazy when they play dumb or feign ignorance. If you think you’re being gaslighted, educate yourself about it and you’ll escape unscathed.

9. They force you to give up what you love.

I have a friend who played electronic keyboards in one of my first bands. When I met up with him again years later I was shocked to learn that his ex-wife had forbidden him from playing their piano at home even though their kids loved his music. She wouldn’t even let him touch the keys (for fear he’d break it). She also forced him to sell his Roland so he had to stop performing altogether. If you’re with someone who makes you give up the things or people you love, it’s time to give THEM up.

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10. They isolate you.

Related to the point above, if you’re with someone who puts your friends and family down or acts hostile towards them so that no one wants to be around the two of you, it’s a trap. Being isolated from your loved ones makes you totally dependent on your partner. I once had a “very nice” boyfriend try to do this but I saw through it and ended the relationship while my connections were still strong. Make it a point to stay in touch with your loved ones and use the power of their support to ditch this type of emotional abuser.

11. Your friends question the way you’re treated.

If your friends or family think you’re being taken advantage or harmed in some way, listen. Like a frog in a pot of boiling water, sometimes we don’t register that we’re being mistreated because the heat’s been rising slowly over time. Recently I had a friend tell me that he’d thought I was being abused by a boyfriend years back but didn’t say anything at the time. I sure wish he had spoken up because I stayed in that terrible relationship for 10 years. Your friends know you best. Encourage them to tell you the truth.

12. You’re constantly walking on eggshells.

You’re trying hard to make the relationship work, but it’s not being reciprocated. You’re afraid to bring up your needs because it may set off your partner’s anger, criticism, or passive aggressive tendencies. Maybe your partner pursued you in the beginning, but if you’re doing all the work to keep the romance afloat now and you’re scared to be yourself, it’s not worth it.

13. It’s all about them.

I once went out on a date with a guy who talked about himself all night. I mistakingly took it as a sign of nervousness. Eight months later he was STILL always talking about himself. His eyes glazed over with boredom whenever I tried to tell him about my day. My therapist told me that my boyfriend had narcissistic personality disorder, which explained why he was arrogant, had a high need to be admired, and demanded to be treated special. She warned me that he would never change because he didn’t think there was anything wrong with him. Boy was she was right.

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14. They’re never there for you.

A few weeks after the verdict from my therapist that same boyfriend was nowhere to be found when I had a car accident. Scared and shaking I left several messages but all I got was his voicemail. Hours later he waltzed into my house like nothing had happened. When I asked why he hadn’t come sooner, he explained that he’d received my messages but wanted to finish rollerblading first. He didn’t understand why there was a problem. If your partner can’t feel empathy for you he or she is probably a narcissist, or even worse, a sociopath (a narcissist to the extreme). If this sounds familiar, run as fast as you can. It will only get worse.

15. They’re over controlling.

There are two kinds of controlling partners. Covert aggressors manipulate you with charm and flattery, ignore your requests, or play the victim to get what they want. The other type is more overt. They openly choose your clothes, your friends, your hobbies, and even take credit for your ideas. Both types of controlling partners throw you off course repeatedly so that they can keep tightening the reins. The sooner you can slip the noose, the better.

16. You’re just not good for each other.

Even if you and your partner are good people, your relationship could become toxic if you try to force it to work when your values and needs are misaligned. Constant arguing is a bad sign. People should not have to change who they are to be in a couple. If, for example, one of you wants a child and the other doesn’t, make a decision and come to peace with it or find someone who feels the same way about having children as you do. If you continue to blame and hold your differences against each other the situation could turn into a cesspool.

The bottom line: if you are regularly lied to, belittled, cheated on, controlled, made to feel unsure of yourself, shamed, blamed for things that are beyond your control, or the victim of domestic violence, you’re in a dangerous romantic situation and you need to walk away.

If you dig deep you may find that you feel you don’t deserve better. You DO. Everyone does. I should know. Having a difficult childhood trained me to be a doormat. Why do you think I became a psychologist in the first place? To end this pattern. If I can do it, you can do it, too.

Surround yourself with positive people, start doing the things you love again, focus on developing your talents and self-worth, and give yourself some time to heal. When you’re ready to be in a relationship again, steer clear of these 16 telltale signs of toxicity and you’ll never have to endure this hardship again.

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Dr. Michelle Millis Chappel

I'm a psychology professor-turned rock star who has helped thousands of people create happy meaningful lives by using their superpowers.

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Last Updated on April 11, 2019

How to Improve Communication Skills for Workplace Success

How to Improve Communication Skills for Workplace Success

Possessing strong communication skills will help you in every phase of your life. This is especially true in the workplace.

I have personally worked with several leaders who were masters of communication. A few were wonderful speakers who could tell a great story and get everyone in the room engaged. Those of us in attendance would walk away feeling inspired and eager to help with what came next. Others were very skilled at sharing a clear direction and job expectations.

I knew exactly what was expected of me and how to achieve my goals. This was the foundation of an energized and vibrant role I was in. What I have found is strong communication skills are incredibly helpful and sometimes critical in how well we perform at work.

Here we will take a look at how to improve communication skills for workplace success.

How Communication Skills Help Your Success

Strong communication skills pave the way for success in many ways. Let’s look at a few of the big ones.

Create a Positive Experience

Here are two examples of how well developed communication skills helps create a positive experience:

When I first moved to the city I now live in, I began a job search. Prior to my first live interview, I was told an address to go to. Upon arriving at the address provided, I drove around and around attempting to find the location. After 15 minutes of circling and looking for the address, I finally grabbed a parking spot and set out on foot.

What I discovered was the address was actually down an alley and only had the number over the door. No sign for the actual company. The person that gave me those very unclear directions provided a bad experience for me.

Had they communicated the directions to get there in a clear manner, my experience would have been much better. Instead the entire experience started off poorly and colored the entire meeting.

As a recruiter, I frequently provide potential candidates with information about a job I’m speaking to them about. In order to do this, I also provide a picture of the overall company, the group they might be joining, and how their role fits in and impacts the entire company.

Time and time again I have been told by candidates that I have provided the clearest picture of a company and role they have ever heard. They have a positive experience when I clearly communicate to them. Even when the position does not work out for them, often times they will want to stay in touch with me due to the open communication and beneficial experience they had during the interviewing process.

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Strong communication skills will provide a positive experience in virtually any interaction you have with someone.

Help Leadership Skills

It’s certainly a skill all its own to be able to lead others.

Being a mentor and guiding others towards success is a major hallmark of great leaders. Another characteristic of effective leaders is the ability to communicate clearly.

As I referenced above, having a leader who can plainly articulate the company’s mission and direction goes a really long way towards being the Captain of the boat that others want to follow. It’s like saying “here’s our destination and this is how we are going to get there” in a way that everyone can get on board with.

Another critical component of everyone helping to sail the boat in the right direction is knowing what your portion is all about. How are you helping the boat move towards its destination in the manner than is consistent with the leaders’ vision?

If you have a boss or a manager that can show you what it takes for not only you to be successful, but also how your performance helps the company’s success then you’ve got a winner. A boss with superior communication skills.

Build Better Teams

Most of us work in teams of some sort or another. During the course of my career, I have led teams up to 80 and also been an individual contributor.

In my individual contributor roles, I have been part of a larger team. Even if you are in business for yourself, you have to interact with others in one manner or another.

If you have strong communication skills, it helps to build better teams. This is true whether you are in an IT department with 100 other fellow programmers or if you own your own business and have customers or vendors you communicate with.

When you showcase your robust ability to communicate well with others while interacting with them, you are building a better team.

Now let’s jump in to how to improve communication skills to help you pave the way for your workplace success.

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How to Improve Communication Skills for Workplace Success

There are many tips, tricks, and techniques to improve communication skills. I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much information, so let’s focus on the things that will provide the biggest return on your time investment.

Most of these tips will be fairly easy to become aware of but will take time and effort to implement. So let’s go!

1. Listen

Ever heard the saying you have two ears and one mouth for a reason? If you haven’t, then here’s the reason:

Being a good listener is half the equation to being a good communicator.

People who have the ability to really listen to someone can then actually answer questions in a meaningful way. If you don’t make the effort to actively listen, then you are really doing yourself and the other person a disservice in the communication department.

Know that person who is chomping at the bit to open his or her mouth the second you stop talking? Don’t be that person. They haven’t listened to at least 1/2 of what you’ve said. Therefore the words that spill out of their mouth are going to be about 1/2 relevant to what you just said.

Listen to someone completely and be comfortable with short periods of silence. Work on your listening skills first and foremost.

2. Know Your Audience

Knowing your audience is another critical component to having strong communication skills. The way you interact with your manager should be different than how you interact with your kids. This isn’t to say you need to be a different person with everyone you interact with. Far from it.

Here is a good way to think about it:

Imagine using your the same choice of words and body language you use with your spouse while interacting with your boss. That puts things in a graphic light!

You want to ensure you are using the type of communication most relevant to your audience.

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3. Minimize

I have lunch with a business associate about 3 times a year. We’ve been talking for several years now about putting a business deal together.

He is one of those people that simply overwhelms others with a lot of words. Sometimes when I ask him a question, I get buried beneath such an avalanche of words that I’m more confused than when I asked the question. Needless to say this is most likely a large portion of why we never put the deal together.

Don’t be like my lunch business associate. The goal of talking to or communicating with someone is to share actual information. The goal is not to confuse someone, it’s to provide clarity in many cases.

State what needs to be stated as succinctly as possible. That doesn’t mean you can’t have some pleasant conversation about the weather too.

The point is to not create such an onslaught of words and information that the other person walks away more confused than when they started.

4. Over Communicate

So this probably sounds completely counter intuitive to what I just wrote about minimizing your communication. It seems like it might be but it’s not.

What I mean by over communicating is ensuring that the other person understands the important parts of what you are sharing with them. This can be done simply yet effectively. Here’s a good example:

Most companies have open enrollment for benefits for the employees in the fall. The company I work for has open enrollment from November 1 to 15. The benefits department will send out a communication to all employees around October 1st, letting them know open enrollment is right around the corner and any major changes that year. There’s also a phone number and email for people to contact them with any questions.

Two weeks later, we all get a follow up email with basically the same information. We get a 3rd communication the week before open enrollment and another one 1 day before it starts.

Finally we get 2 emails during enrollment reminding us when open enrollment ends.

There’s minimal information, it’s more of a reminder. This is effective over communication.

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5. Body Language

The final critical component to how to improve communication skills for workplace success is body language. This is something most of us have heard about before but, a reminder is probably a good idea.

When I am in a meeting with someone I am comfortable with, I tend to kind of slouch down in my chair and cross my arms. When I catch myself doing this, I sit up straight and uncross my arms. I remember that crossing arms can many times be interpreted as a sign of disagreement or conflict.

In general, the best rule of thumb is to work towards having open body language whenever possible at work. This means relaxing your posture, not crossing your arms, and looking people in the eye when speaking with them.

When you are speaking in front of others, stand up straight and speak in a clear voice. This will convey confidence in your words.

Conclusion

Possessing strong communication skills will help you in many facets of your life and most certainly in the workplace.

Good communication helps create better teams, positive experiences with those we interact with, and are critical for leadership.

There are numerous tactics and techniques to be used to improve communication skills. Here we’ve reviewed how to improve communication skills for workplace success.

Now go communicate your way to success.

More Resources About Effective Communication

Featured photo credit: HIVAN ARVIZU via unsplash.com

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