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3 Steps for Beating Your Divorce Fears

3 Steps for Beating Your Divorce Fears

One of the reasons that divorce is such a nightmare is because it makes you feel petrified–sometimes unable to move, to think, to function. You don’t know what’s going to happen to you, the kids, and your way of life. It’s completely normal to feel like this. How could you not?

But it doesn’t have to be that way. When you feel like you’re going off the deep-end with fear of not knowing, do the following.

1. Write down all of the things you’re feeling afraid of–the sources of your fear-based stress.

Do this wherever you want–in a journal, on your laptop, on your smart phone or iPad. It doesn’t matter where, just someplace where you have easy access.

2. Be completely honest with yourself! No fear or concern is ever irrational, stupid, or unreasonable.

Some of my own fears included…

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  • I will have to move out of the marital home—the only one I’ve known for years.
  • I won’t be able to afford a long and drawn out divorce.
  • I will have to put the lawyer fees on my credit card.
  • My savings will be wiped out and I’ll have to cash out my 401k to pay for all of this.
  • My family will judge me.
  • My friends will shun me.
  • I will be alone and not know what to do.
  • I am afraid to start over.
  • I am afraid of never being happy again.

Your fears may be similar, or you may have additional fears, such as:

  • I won’t get to see my children.
  • The kids are going to have a hard time adjusting.
  • He/She will bleed me dry and I’ll lose everything.

List everything that you are afraid of–but don’t worry if you missed anything. You can always come back and add to your list. There is no limit here.

3. Now comes the part that takes some work, but it’s the best part. Under each fear, write down a solution.

This step shows you the truth–that you have the power to beat those fears and calm down that stress you feel. I’ve provided a few examples so you get the gist of it before you write your own solutions.

–I will have to move out of the marital home–the only one I’ve known for years.

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If I want to stay here, I am going to speak with my attorney to see what my options are to remain. I will look at the budget to see if this is possible, but if it is not, I know I have plenty of options for other housing. I also know that I am the one who has the memories in my heart, and that I, along with my children, are still a home and can create our own memories, wherever we are.

–I won’t be able to afford a long and drawn out divorce.

I do not want to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a divorce. If my spouse and I are on speaking terms, I will examine options for using divorce mediation, which could help prevent long expensive court battles. I will also research my options and ask around to find a good divorce attorney that uses a conciliatory problem-solving approach, instead of a belligerent gladiator one. I may also speak with a financial advisor to help with the financial side, and I could talk to a divorce coach, who could possibly help with money-saving ideas.

–My savings will be wiped out and that I’ll have to cash out my 401k to pay for all of this.

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If I am working with an attorney, I will ask about possible payment plans. I may also seek pro-bono help or find divorce legal clinics that can help minimize costs. I will focus on the big picture. If I don’t want to wipe out my savings fighting in court, I will learn how to choose my battles so I can move on with my life.

–My family will judge me.

I will be honest and ask for their support, but I do not have to surround myself with people who will make me feel worse about the situation. If I am afraid of this, I will work with a therapist who can help me create boundaries with my family and help me grieve in a healthy way.

–I will be alone and not know what to do.

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I may feel alone because I’m no longer with my spouse, but I will find a great support system–there are support groups, online groups, friends who care about me. I will not be afraid to ask for help. I will be kind to myself, patient with myself, and realize I don’t have to do everything at once.

As you can see, once you start doing this exercise for yourself, you will notice that neutralizing your fears goes beyond just giving yourself a pep-talk. This exercise can help you start taking action. And when you take action against those fears, they no longer become the things that will keep you up at night; instead, they become the logical courses of action–merely things on a to-do list–that you will accomplish. Because despite your panic and fear right now, you are a hell of a lot stronger than you realize.

Facing and beating your divorce fears and learning how to counter them may not be fun or easy. But in the end, learning those strategies will help diminish your stress so you can think clearly, move on with your life, and get back to being happy.

Featured photo credit: They’re Coming to Get You/martinak15 via flickr.com

More by this author

Martha Bodyfelt

Certified Divorce and Recovery Coach

Wife and Husband If You Think You’re in an Unhappy Marriage, Remember These 5 Things How To Kick Your Divorce Anxiety In The Ass 5 Divorce Screw-Ups to Avoid 3 Steps for Beating Your Divorce Fears 10 Things to Know Before You Decide to Divorce

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Last Updated on February 13, 2019

10 Things Happy People Do Differently

10 Things Happy People Do Differently

Think being happy is something that happens as a result of luck, circumstance, having money, etc.? Think again.

Happiness is a mindset. And if you’re looking to improve your ability to find happiness, then check out these 10 things happy people do differently.

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. -Dalai Lama

1. Happy people find balance in their lives.

Folks who are happy have this in common: they’re content with what they have, and don’t waste a whole lot of time worrying and stressing over things they don’t. Unhappy people do the opposite: they spend too much time thinking about what they don’t have. Happy people lead balanced lives. This means they make time for all the things that are important to them, whether it’s family, friends, career, health, religion, etc.

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2. Happy people abide by the golden rule.

You know that saying you heard when you were a kid, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” Well, happy people truly embody this principle. They treat others with respect. They’re sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of other people. They’re compassionate. And they get treated this way (most of the time) in return.

3. Happy people don’t sweat the small stuff.

One of the biggest things happy people do differently compared to unhappy people is they let stuff go. Bad things happen to good people sometimes. Happy people realize this, are able to take things in stride, and move on. Unhappy people tend to dwell on minor inconveniences and issues, which can perpetuate feelings of sadness, guilt, resentment, greed, and anger.

4. Happy people take responsibility for their actions.

Happy people aren’t perfect, and they’re well aware of that. When they screw up, they admit it. They recognize their faults and work to improve on them. Unhappy people tend to blame others and always find an excuse why things aren’t going their way. Happy people, on the other hand, live by the mantra:

“There are two types of people in the world: those that do and those that make excuses why they don’t.”

5. Happy people surround themselves with other happy people.

happiness surrounding

    One defining characteristic of happy people is they tend to hang out with other happy people. Misery loves company, and unhappy people gravitate toward others who share their negative sentiments. If you’re struggling with a bout of sadness, depression, worry, or anger, spend more time with your happiest friends or family members. Chances are, you’ll find that their positive attitude rubs off on you.

    6. Happy people are honest with themselves and others.

    People who are happy often exhibit the virtues of honesty and trustworthiness. They would rather give you candid feedback, even when the truth hurts, and they expect the same in return. Happy people respect people who give them an honest opinion.

    7. Happy people show signs of happiness.

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    smile

      This one may sound obvious but it’s a key differentiator between happy and unhappy people. Think about your happiest friends. Chances are, the mental image you form is of them smiling, laughing, and appearing genuinely happy. On the flip side, those who aren’t happy tend to look the part. Their posture may be slouched and you may perceive a lack of confidence.

      8. Happy people are passionate.

      Another thing happy people have in common is their ability to find their passions in life and pursue those passions to the fullest. Happy people have found what they’re looking for, and they spend their time doing what they love.

      9. Happy people see challenges as opportunities.

      Folks who are happy accept challenges and use them as opportunities to learn and grow. They turn negatives into positives and make the best out of seemingly bad situations. They don’t dwell on things that are out of their control; rather, they seek solutions and creative ways of overcoming obstacles.

      10. Happy people live in the present.

      While unhappy people tend to dwell on the past and worry about the future, happy people live in the moment. They are grateful for “the now” and focus their efforts on living life to the fullest in the present. Their philosophy is:

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      There’s a reason it’s called “the present.” Because life is a gift.

      So if you’d like to bring a little more happiness into your life, think about the 10 principles above and how you can use them to make yourself better.

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