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How People Who Don’t Love Us Back Make Us Grow Stronger

How People Who Don’t Love Us Back Make Us Grow Stronger

“That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

No one likes to be broken and hurt. As sentient beings, we were created with the ability to love and be loved. But what do you do when you love someone and the person fails to return your feelings?

It is important not to focus on disappointment or feel that you have failed somehow. Instead, focus on the opportunity to grow from the situation. Loving someone means you are willing to give and offer a piece of yourself to make another person happier. When this is returned, you will feel wonderful. But when it is not, you will pass through a period that gives you opportunity to evolve — and become stronger. Here is why.

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You have a deeper understanding of what life and love really means

Being vulnerable is consuming. You need strength to love and you also need to be able to define what love or loving someone truly means. Without any risk or cause for pain, no knowledge is gained. When enduring a devastating period of loving someone who doesn’t love you back, you are able to evaluate the situation and prepare for something similar in the future.

You are more conscious of your feelings and you won’t readily dive in to relationships on impulse. This helps you to protect yourself from similar circumstances.

You learn to accept yourself

The reality is that not everyone in this world will love and accept you. By accepting that fact, you also learn to accept yourself and the way life works. The best way to retain strength and swim through the tides with your emotions is to accept who you are and that whatever feelings you do express should be valued.

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You are solid

Such a period of loving someone who doesn’t love you back makes you solid. You are stable and more self-assured when you go through a period of panic, pain and suffering. You evolve. You stop fighting against what is and believe in what will. You become stronger, smarter and more defined as an individual.

You have clarity

Through the process of not being loved by someone you love, you discover yourself and what you want from another person. You have clearer expectations — not only from the person you love, but also from yourself.

You can define your expectations and self-worth and can ascertain if you want to go the whole nine yards or not.

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You can grow

You certainly will meet new people and have new experiences. You can yearn to cherish what is ahead and be better prepared for it. Lessons engage our thoughts and help us grow mentally. You really can learn to be whole again after such an experience with someone who does not love you back.

You can understand your uniqueness

You must know your value and know what you need to improve in your world to become a better person. While he/she may have not loved you for a flaw, you can learn what it is and identify with it. You can either work on it or appreciate it. You know that you do not have to live your life according to another person’s standard, yet you just realize how distinct you are.

You are happy

You can be happy about your individuality. People who have not been loved by those who they love have learned to be optimistic. They can see the future and cherish it by remaining positive. It sort of gives them a clearer perspective and defines how they appreciate themselves.

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You can learn to love again

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time, and always one more time.” – Maya Angelou

Who says the world was built on emptiness and dissatisfaction? Your strength is in appreciating another person and valuing another person more than you did before — because this time you are smarter, clearer and more courageous about it.

Featured photo credit: http://www.pixabay.com via pixabay.com

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Casey Imafidon

Specialized in motivation and personal growth, providing advice to make readers fulfilled and spurred on to achieve all that they desire in life.

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Last Updated on August 6, 2020

6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

We’ve all done it. That moment when a series of words slithers from your mouth and the instant regret manifests through blushing and profuse apologies. If you could just think before you speak! It doesn’t have to be like this, and with a bit of practice, it’s actually quite easy to prevent.

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napolean Hill

Are we speaking the same language?

My mum recently left me a note thanking me for looking after her dog. She’d signed it with “LOL.” In my world, this means “laugh out loud,” and in her world it means “lots of love.” My kids tell me things are “sick” when they’re good, and ”manck” when they’re bad (when I say “bad,” I don’t mean good!). It’s amazing that we manage to communicate at all.

When speaking, we tend to color our language with words and phrases that have become personal to us, things we’ve picked up from our friends, families and even memes from the internet. These colloquialisms become normal, and we expect the listener (or reader) to understand “what we mean.” If you really want the listener to understand your meaning, try to use words and phrases that they might use.

Am I being lazy?

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, a strange metamorphosis takes place. People tend to become lazier in the way that they communicate with each other, with less thought for the feelings of their partner. There’s no malice intended; we just reach a “comfort zone” and know that our partners “know what we mean.”

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Here’s an exchange from Psychology Today to demonstrate what I mean:

Early in the relationship:

“Honey, I don’t want you to take this wrong, but I’m noticing that your hair is getting a little thin on top. I know guys are sensitive about losing their hair, but I don’t want someone else to embarrass you without your expecting it.”

When the relationship is established:

“Did you know that you’re losing a lot of hair on the back of your head? You’re combing it funny and it doesn’t help. Wear a baseball cap or something if you feel weird about it. Lots of guys get thin on top. It’s no big deal.”

It’s pretty clear which of these statements is more empathetic and more likely to be received well. Recognizing when we do this can be tricky, but with a little practice it becomes easy.

Have I actually got anything to say?

When I was a kid, my gran used to say to me that if I didn’t have anything good to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. My gran couldn’t stand gossip, so this makes total sense, but you can take this statement a little further and modify it: “If you don’t have anything to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

A lot of the time, people speak to fill “uncomfortable silences,” or because they believe that saying something, anything, is better than staying quiet. It can even be a cause of anxiety for some people.

When somebody else is speaking, listen. Don’t wait to speak. Listen. Actually hear what that person is saying, think about it, and respond if necessary.

Am I painting an accurate picture?

One of the most common forms of miscommunication is the lack of a “referential index,” a type of generalization that fails to refer to specific nouns. As an example, look at these two simple phrases: “Can you pass me that?” and “Pass me that thing over there!”. How often have you said something similar?

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How is the listener supposed to know what you mean? The person that you’re talking to will start to fill in the gaps with something that may very well be completely different to what you mean. You’re thinking “pass me the salt,” but you get passed the pepper. This can be infuriating for the listener, and more importantly, can create a lack of understanding and ultimately produce conflict.

Before you speak, try to label people, places and objects in a way that it is easy for any listeners to understand.

What words am I using?

It’s well known that our use of nouns and verbs (or lack of them) gives an insight into where we grew up, our education, our thoughts and our feelings.

Less well known is that the use of pronouns offers a critical insight into how we emotionally code our sentences. James Pennebaker’s research in the 1990’s concluded that function words are important keys to someone’s psychological state and reveal much more than content words do.

Starting a sentence with “I think…” demonstrates self-focus rather than empathy with the speaker, whereas asking the speaker to elaborate or quantify what they’re saying clearly shows that you’re listening and have respect even if you disagree.

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Is the map really the territory?

Before speaking, we sometimes construct a scenario that makes us act in a way that isn’t necessarily reflective of the actual situation.

A while ago, John promised to help me out in a big way with a project that I was working on. After an initial meeting and some big promises, we put together a plan and set off on its execution. A week or so went by, and I tried to get a hold of John to see how things were going. After voice mails and emails with no reply and general silence, I tried again a week later and still got no response.

I was frustrated and started to get more than a bit vexed. The project obviously meant more to me than it did to him, and I started to construct all manner of crazy scenarios. I finally got through to John and immediately started a mild rant about making promises you can’t keep. He stopped me in my tracks with the news that his brother had died. If I’d have just thought before I spoke…

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