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Couples Should Unfriend Each Other To Have A More Fulfilling Relationship

Couples Should Unfriend Each Other To Have A More Fulfilling Relationship

What is the best way for couples to stay close to each other? Talk to each other. Not through Facebook or Instagram or texting, but through face to face communication.

Those are the words of Ian Kerner, a counsellor who specializes in couples and sexual counselling. In an interview with Public Radio International (PRI), Kerner talked about how technology like Facebook and Instagram are posing real issues with relationships, and that a great way to handle it is to turn that all off.

Tuning Out

Kerner observed that couples frequently hold side-by-side conversations with their cell phones and laptops, and that “they’re not having direct face-to-face conversations because they’re also on an iPhone or a gadget, so they’re partially vacated.” Often, the only time where the couples actually have a face to face conversation was when they were speaking with Kerner at therapy.

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Kener said that studies show that even the mere presence of a technological device nearby, even if it is off or silent, can change the texture of a conversation. It distracts people and thus worsens relationships as couples worry that they are not being listened to.

Kerner does not think technology inherently hurts relationships. In the interview, he mentions one couple who used video games like Minecraft and Nintendo titles to bond as an example that technology can sometimes be used for good relationships. The Pew Research Center found that 21 percent of cell owners or internet users in a committed relationship “have felt closer to their spouse or partner because of exchanges they had online or via text message”. In addition, 74 percent of couples reported that the Internet had a mostly positive effect on their relationship with just 20 percent claiming a mostly negative effect.

One of the key aspects to understanding how technology can hurt relationships is something which Kerner calls “technological compatibility.” If a wife loves to be on Instagram and Facebook all the time, but the husband is more old-fashioned and only really uses the Internet for work-related purposes, then this can raise tensions.

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One example which Kerner cited was a family where the wife used Instagram to show photos of absolutely everything, whether friends, special events, or day to day life., against the advice of home security companies When the family went on vacation and got ice cream, she then started trying to get everyone in a proper position to photograph the family with their ice cream.

The husband, who just wanted to eat the ice cream, snapped in public. He caused a scene, cursing her out in front of the children “about just wanting to eat his [bleeping] ice cream.” It was fundamentally a difference between a wife who was happy to use technology all the time and a husband who was less comfortable with the idea. Kerner noted that he has seen other instances where the husband does not want to be on Facebook or have his kids to have a Facebook account, which invites further acrimony.

Further Research

Lisa Pollack of the Financial Times pointed out another issue of technological compatibility. Another Pew Research Center poll showed that 62 percent of individuals believed that using your cell phone at a restaurant is not okay. But this means that 38 percent of individuals believe that using your cell phone at a restaurant is okay. So when someone from the 38 percent goes on a date at a restaurant with someone from the 62 percent, that one issue can seriously damage a relationship.

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So how can couples actually fix this problem? Kerner believes that the best thing a couple can do is to go on a “digital diet” and use that time gained to start repairing relationships. He also observed that spending some time away of those devices could improve one’s sexual life as well.

“People go to bed too tired to make love… And yet they’re spending hours a day on social media, on blogs and on Netflix. Maybe we really need to figure out how to turn off that faucet.”

So unfriend your partner, close the computer, and go outside with him or her. If that makes for a better relationship, it will certainly be worth it.

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Featured photo credit: woodleywonderworks via flickr.com

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Last Updated on January 21, 2020

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

If I was a super hero I’d want my super power to be the ability to motivate everyone around me. Think of how many problems you could solve just by being able to motivate people towards their goals. You wouldn’t be frustrated by lazy co-workers. You wouldn’t be mad at your partner for wasting the weekend in front of the TV. Also, the more people around you are motivated toward their dreams, the more you can capitalize off their successes.

Being able to motivate people is key to your success at work, at home, and in the future because no one can achieve anything alone. We all need the help of others.

So, how to motivate people? Here are 7 ways to motivate others even you can do.

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1. Listen

Most people start out trying to motivate someone by giving them a lengthy speech, but this rarely works because motivation has to start inside others. The best way to motivate others is to start by listening to what they want to do. Find out what the person’s goals and dreams are. If it’s something you want to encourage, then continue through these steps.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are the best way to figure out what someone’s dreams are. If you can’t think of anything to ask, start with, “What have you always wanted to do?”

“Why do you want to do that?”

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“What makes you so excited about it?”

“How long has that been your dream?”

You need this information the help you with the following steps.

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3. Encourage

This is the most important step, because starting a dream is scary. People are so scared they will fail or look stupid, many never try to reach their goals, so this is where you come in. You must encourage them. Say things like, “I think you will be great at that.” Better yet, say, “I think your skills in X will help you succeed.” For example if you have a friend who wants to own a pet store, say, “You are so great with animals, I think you will be excellent at running a pet store.”

4. Ask About What the First Step Will Be

After you’ve encouraged them, find how they will start. If they don’t know, you can make suggestions, but it’s better to let the person figure out the first step themselves so they can be committed to the process.

5. Dream

This is the most fun step, because you can dream about success. Say things like, “Wouldn’t it be cool if your business took off, and you didn’t have to work at that job you hate?” By allowing others to dream, you solidify the motivation in place and connect their dreams to a future reality.

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6. Ask How You Can Help

Most of the time, others won’t need anything from you, but it’s always good to offer. Just letting the person know you’re there will help motivate them to start. And, who knows, maybe your skills can help.

7. Follow Up

Periodically, over the course of the next year, ask them how their goal is going. This way you can find out what progress has been made. You may need to do the seven steps again, or they may need motivation in another area of their life.

Final Thoughts

By following these seven steps, you’ll be able to encourage the people around you to achieve their dreams and goals. In return, you’ll be more passionate about getting to your goals, you’ll be surrounded by successful people, and others will want to help you reach your dreams …

Oh, and you’ll become a motivational super hero. Time to get a cape!

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Featured photo credit: Thought Catalog via unsplash.com

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