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Be Assertive: 10 Ways To Stop Forgetting About Yourself

Be Assertive: 10 Ways To Stop Forgetting About Yourself

Assertiveness has become a bit of a buzzword. We constantly hear about the benefits of being more assertive. Assertiveness enables us to take care of ourselves without being overbearing.

There is research being done on the delicate balance between being passive and aggressive. Ultimately the “assertive you” will boil down to knowing your self worth and practicing the behaviors of being more assertive.

There are many strategies for being more assertive. In this post I would like to share some of the small, specific things you can start doing today to be more assertive without turning into an aggressive butthole.

Start with “I” statements

Rather than being with a “You” when talking to someone, start with “I.” This shows that you are being accountable for yourself and sharing what you think and need.

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Example: Instead of saying, “You keep interrupting me” you can change it to “I would like to finish what I was going to say without being interrupted”

Make your requests more intentional

Instead of asking people if they wanna do something (“you wanna go over that presentation?”), show your intention and make the request clear.

Example: “please review the presentation before the meeting”

Share the facts that you notice

When you see your colleague acting lazy or disengaged from work, it is a good idea to give feedback on what you notice. The impulse may be to say “hey, why are you being so lazy!”

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Don’t give in. Keep things factual and share what you notice.

Example: “I noticed that you’ve come in half an hour late 3 times this week.”

Take a breath and assertively ask to think

Being assertive doesn’t always mean you have to have an immediate answer. There will be times where you need to process what is being said and it is okay to say, “let me think for a second.” This response shows that you acknowledged the request and gives you a few moments to gather your thoughts.

Politely say no without explanation

This is not a time for maybes. Be direct when you say no when you mean it. Make sure you body language is congruent with your words. Don’t feel like you need to give a reason if you don’t want to.

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Acknowledge criticism

This doesn’t mean that you agree or disagree with it. It does show that you have listened to the other person and can take it into consideration before sharing your opinion.

Cut out hedge statements

Saying things like “this is only my opinion” or “I’m not sure if I’m right here” discredits your opinion. You can cut these out and just go straight to what you think. This will come off as being more confident in what you are saying.

Offer an alternative

There will be times when you want to help someone out, but not at that moment. Use this as an opportunity to be assertive and suggest something that works for you.

Example: “I’d love to help out, unfortunately that deadline won’t work for me. Is it flexible?”

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Another example: “It sounds interesting. I’m not comfortable with ABC. Can we discuss other ways I might contribute?”

Study effective communication strategies

Communication is the heart of assertiveness. Making the study of communication a daily habit is good practice you can implement. You’ll learn many effective ways to express what you want and gain agreements.

Stand like superman

Amy Cuddy gave a powerful ted talk on how body language impacts how others see us and also how we feel within ourselves. Standing in confident postures can actually change how you feel. So the next time you are preparing to be assertive in a meeting, strike a pose first.

Featured photo credit: Highways Agency via flickr.com

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Paris Law

Life Coach & Designer

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Last Updated on October 22, 2019

How to Get “I Can’t Do It” Out of Your Vocabulary

How to Get “I Can’t Do It” Out of Your Vocabulary

When someone says, “I can’t do it” . . . I say to myself, “What do you mean you can’t do it?” Maybe you don’t want to do it, but saying you “can’t” do it is a completely different story.

With the right mindset, positive attitude, and a clear vision of what you want to accomplish, the only thing that is holding you back is yourself.

Can’t is a terrible word and it has to be taken out of your vocabulary.

By saying you can’t do something, you’re already doubting yourself, submitting to defeat, and you’re making that barrier around your life tighter.

So today, right now, we are going to remove this word for good.

From now on there is nothing we can’t do.

“Attitude is Tattoo”

Your attitude is everything; it’s your reason, your why and how, your facial expression, emotions, body language, and potentially the end result. How you approach an opportunity, and the result of it, is solely based on you — not your boss or your co-worker or friend.

If you enter a business meeting with a sour attitude, that negative energy can spread like wildfire. People can also feel it — maybe even taste it. This is not an impression you want to leave.

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Now imagine you enter a business meeting with a positive attitude, that whatever happens in here is going to be your result, in your control, not someone else’s. Of course, we can’t always win, but even if the outcome is negative, your attitude and perception can turn it into a positive. The question is: can you do it?

Of course you can, because there is nothing in this world you can’t do.

It’s much better to be known for your positive attitude — your poise, your energy, the reason why things go so well because you are able to maintain such character. A negative attitude is easy. It’s easy to complain, it’s easy to be mad, and it’s even easier to do nothing to change it.

When I say your “attitude is tattoo”, it sounds permanent. Tattoos can be removed, but that’s not the point. Your attitude is like a tattoo because you wear it. People can see it and sometimes, they will judge you on it. If you maintain a negative attitude, then it is permanent until you change it.

Change your attitude and I guarantee the results change as well.

Believe You Can Do It

Do you know why most people say “can’t” and doubt themselves before trying anything?

It’s our lack of self-confidence and fear on many different levels. The one thing we have to purge from ourselves is fear — fear of bad results, fear of change, fear of denial, fear of loss, the fear that makes us worry and lose sleep. Worrying is the same as going outside with an umbrella, waiting for rain to hit it. Stop worrying and move on.

Confidence is fragile: It builds up slowly, but can shatter like glass. Project your confidence and energy into believing in yourself. This is a very important and groundbreaking step — one that is usually the hardest to take. Start telling yourself you can do something, anything, and you will do it the best to your ability. Remove doubt, remove fear, and stick with positive energy.

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Embrace Failure

Do not fear failure. Do not run away from it. Face it, learn from it, grow, and take action. Just remember: You will never know success if you have never failed.

Your confidence will bolster after embracing these facts. You will be immune to demoralizing results, and instead you will find ways to fix it, improve upon it, and make it better than before. You will learn to never say “can’t,” and will realize how many more opportunities you can create by removing that one word.

Don’t let one simple and ugly word plague your confidence. You’re better and stronger than that.

Start Making the Change

But to actually start the process of change is very challenging.

Why is that?

Fear? Time? Don’t know how — or where — to start?

It’s hard because what we’re doing is unlearning what we know. We are used to doing things a certain way, and chances are we’ve been doing them for years.

So here are some ways that I avoid using the word “can’t”, and actually take the steps to put forth the change that I wish to see. I hope you can incorporate these methods into your life.

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Write down What You Want to Change

Write it on post-its, notecards, whatever makes you comfortable — something you will always see. I usually write mine on post-its and put them all over the wall behind my monitor so I always see them.

Tell a Friend and Talk About It

Discussing your goals, what you want to change, is very effective when you say it out loud and tell another person other than yourself. It’s almost like saying, hey, I bet I can do it — watch me.

When you fulfill that goal and tell your friend, it feels rewarding and will motivate you to do it again in a different aspect. Who knows? Maybe your friend adopts the same mindset as you.

Stop Yourself from Saying the Forbidden Word

Sometimes,I can’t control myself in public when I’m with friends, so I have to be careful with the words I use so I don’t embarrass or insult anyone.

Treat the word “can’t” as the worst word you can possibly use. Stop yourself from saying it, mid-sentence if you must, and turn your whole perspective around — you can do it, you will do it, and nothing is impossible!

Repetition, Repetition, Repetition

You think this change will be overnight? No way. This is a practice. Something you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life from now until forever.

As I said earlier, you are unlearning what you know. You know how easy it is to say you can’t do something, so by unlearning this easy practice, you’re self-disciplining yourself to live without boundaries.

Practice this everyday, a little at a time, and before you know it, the word can’t will not be part of your language.

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Do Anything That Can Relieve Your Uncertainty

When I catch myself saying I can’t do something or I don’t know something, looking up information on that action or subject, doing research, educating yourself, relieves that uncertainty.

Sometimes, we think we can’t do something because the whole idea of it seems too large. We skip the small steps in our head and only focus on the end.

Before you say you can’t do something, rewind and slow down a little bit. Focus on what the first step is, then the next. Take it a step at a time, and before you know it you will have done something you previously thought you couldn’t do.

Final Thoughts

You know what you must do. The first step is right now. Once you begin this habit, and really start noticing some change, you’ll realize the door to opportunity is everywhere.

The funny thing is: Those doors have always been there. The evil word that we no longer use put a veil over our eyes because that’s how powerful that word is.

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Featured photo credit: Cata via unsplash.com

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