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5 Signs You’re In A Healthy Relationship

5 Signs You’re In A Healthy Relationship
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Relationships are risky. No matter how well you think you know the other person, there is no guarantee you won’t get hurt. In fact, in the best of relationships, couples disappoint or hurt each other from time to time. No secret there. Most of us can deal with that. In the end, we are imperfect people forming imperfect relationships.

However, repeated or severe hurt can really threaten security in a relationship. Lies, betrayal, selfishness, or controlling behavior will shake the foundation. What foundation am I talking about?

I’m talking about trust.

If you want a healthy relationship, you have to work hard on building trust between you. This takes time and effort by both sides. One cannot do the work of two. It never works that way. A mutual effort is needed.

In a healthy relationship, couples value trust and protect it together. They build on this foundation by making certain agreements.

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So how do you know if your relationship has what it takes?  Check this out.

1. You allow each other space to be yourself

Relationships need space for each person to breathe. If you give up too much of yourself you will suffocate! Healthy couples don’t allow this to happen. Instead, they accept each other. They also encourage and support the expression of these individual differences. This includes accommodating each other’s need for personal time.

I enjoy sports, rock n’ roll, and contemporary movies. My wife prefers nature walks, 80s music, and classic movies. I don’t try to get her to be like me, nor does she try to get me to change. We accept our differences and enter each other’s world occasionally.

In a healthy relationship, support is mutual. Honoring personal boundaries shows respect. When you feel accepted, respected, and supported by your partner, the relationship is solid.

2. You keep your relationship exclusive

Another sign of a healthy relationship is an agreement couples make to keep their relationship exclusive. They establish boundaries to keep private the love and romance they share. These couples avoid getting into compromising relationships that threaten the security of their bond.

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Affairs are a big threat today in our culture. Ashley Madison is one of many examples. The existence of an affair, even though hidden, shifts a relationship from exclusive to inclusive. A mysterious third party now enters sacred territory. When an affair is exposed, it severely damages the relationship. I help couples recover from an affair. Trust me, you do not want to be in that arena!

If you want your relationship to be healthy, make a mutual agreement to keep sacred the love you have for each other. When it comes to romance and matters of the heart, keep it exclusive. Don’t allow anyone but your mate in that space.

3. You make a regular investment in the relationship

There is an easy way to tell if a couple has a healthy relationship: their calendar. These couples have regular date nights and occasional weekends away. They know this is money well invested (notice I didn’t say spent).

In my work with couples, I encourage them to have planned time and pockets of time. Planned time as I already described is on your calendar. Pockets of time pop up during the day or week and allow you a small break to connect. You can use it to share a latte at Starbucks or jump in the sack for a quickie!

The investment healthy couples make is not only time and money. They also invest in a daily effort to stay tuned in to each other. These couples find ways to check in with each other during the day.

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My wife and I do the occasional text and phone call. Recently, I was blindsided by a major problem that happened at work. During a chat with my wife, she stepped away from her desk, listened to me unload, and talked me off the ledge with her calm and supportive voice.

The effort to stay tuned in accomplishes several things. It allows you to know what’s going on with your partner. It gives you an opportunity to offer support. Also, knowing that you have each other’s back feels good!

4. You are friends and lovers

Balancing friendship and romance is a definite sign you have a healthy relationship. Maintaining laughter, having a sense of humor, with your partner pumps oxygen into the relationship. Nothing better than a good laugh together to work out stress and keep things in perspective. Isn’t that what friends enjoy doing?

A sense of adventure is also good too! Do you do fun things together? When was the last time you tried something new together? One of the couples I work with started taking dance lessons. Totally new territory for them. They really enjoy learning something new together. It has been great for the relationship!

When we travel, we love to hit the backroads and see what surprises come up along the way. Some of the best memories my wife and I have happen when we go off-roading.

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Healthy couples also keep the hunt alive in their relationship. They still flirt with each other, sending sexual cues back and forth. Romance remains a front-burner activity, getting plenty of action to satisfy each other’s need for romance.

5. You talk well, and listen better

People in a healthy relationship know how to communicate really well. They know that listening is the differentiator in good communication. If you know the art of listening and validating your partner, you are light years ahead of most couples.

People who communicate poorly talk over each other, do not listen well, react in a defensive manner, and let their emotions get out of control. If you want a healthy relationship, communicate with this approach in mind:

  • Slow down when you talk.
  • Keep your emotions in check.
  • Listen to what your partner says.
  • Summarize what you hear and validate feelings.
  • Avoid using the word “but” too quickly or often.
  • Give each other the courtesy of being heard and understood.

Featured photo credit: Dollar Photo Club via dollarphotoclub.com

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Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)
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You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

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  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

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Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

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However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

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Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

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  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

Reference

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