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7 Ways Children of Divorce Deal with Love and Relationships

7 Ways Children of Divorce Deal with Love and Relationships

Although there are numerous studies done on how divorce affects children and that children of divorce have a higher risk of failing at marriage than children of non-divorced parents, in this day and age, divorce itself doesn’t seem to surprise us and rather seems to be the norm.

Yet after surviving our parents’ divorce, some of us get stuck in our past hurt and end up struggling with nurturing our own romantic relationships. Apart from these limiting beliefs, here are some lessons learned while growing up as children of divorce, and unforeseen positives we discovered on the road to healing and moving on.

1. We assume relationships are bound to be broken.

When we witnessed our parents’ marriage crumbling, we may have adapted a pessimistic perception about love and relationships. We may stray away from the notion of marriage altogether to avoid the possibility of divorce in the future.

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Turn-around: Contrary to the uncertainty about lasting marriages, we hang in and try to work things out hoping that it will last forever. Divorce is not a viable option to us and not acceptable. We don’t easily give up and want to prove that our marriage survived and succeeded.

2. We try to avoid arguments at all costs.

We know arguments can turn ugly.  We might hide from difficult situations rather than confront the issues and resolve them, just to avoid arguments or uncomfortable emotions.

Turn-around: Most arguments start from lack of clarity. We understand good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. We believe that we can work through whatever problem we’re facing and are able to build the lasting relationship with open and honest communication.

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3. We doubt our mate and relationship.

We struggle with trust when working through our own relationship challenges, especially if we witnessed a breakdown of trust between our own parents. Fostering these feelings of betrayal will continue to affect us in our own relationships in the future.

Turn-around: Healthy relationships are built on trust. In order for us to love fully without disguising who we are, or holding back our true emotion, we need to be courageous to be vulnerable and trust our partners. We learn to let go of the pain and anger, and forgive ourselves and our parents. Although it may take time, we learn to empathize and understand what has happened.

4. We are immature attention seekers.

We play the blame game and act childish. We refuse to take responsibility for our own actions and blame others for everything. We act out to get the attention from our partners and, in an effort to avoid changes, we learned early on that it may be the only way we know how to cry out for affection.

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Turn-around: We are aware that it’s essential to articulate our expectations, our wants and needs to our partners in a relationship. When our needs and expectations aren’t met, it leads to tension, which mounts and turns into chronic frustration and anger. This eventually eats away at the love and happiness in a relationship. The more we give our partner love and respect, the more they return them.

5. We are afraid of being alone.

We understand that our parents went through a tough divorce, but we felt alone without support from them. If one parent left, it signaled us that they did not love us and did not want to be with us anymore. We felt tremendous loss. We felt abandoned and became resentful. We need constant reassurance that everything is okay and we are safe under the circumstances. We don’t choose our love. Instead, we want to be chosen in a relationship.

Turn-around: When we enter into a relationship we expect it to last, maybe even for the rest of our life. But in reality, lifestyles change and so do people. After watching our parents’ marriage dissolve into divorce, we eventually learn to assess our own relationship values, must-haves and deal breakers. Hence, love becomes a deliberate choice.

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6. We feel responsible for the divorce.

We feel our parents’ marriage ended because of something we said or did when we were young. We harbor this and feel guilty over losing the other parent in our life.

Turn-around:  We form tighter bonds with our family as we are facing the challenges together and know that we have each other to count on. We are very supportive of our parents and siblings in the end. We become more compassionate. We learn coping skills we never knew we had and feel stronger as a result of what we went through. We build resilience in the face of rough times.

7. We opt out for our own children.

We know what it’s like to be children of divorce, thus we do not want our own children to go through the similar challenges. Our fear that marriage could lead to divorce leads to a fear of failure. We are afraid that our divorce might label them negatively as children of divorce, just like us.

Turn-around: We show our children that we deserve to be in a satisfying and supportive relationship. We thrive to exhibit what a healthy relationship looks like and how to express love with one another. We want to become a role model in love for them.

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Kris Lee

Emotional health and communication writer

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Last Updated on January 21, 2020

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

If I was a super hero I’d want my super power to be the ability to motivate everyone around me. Think of how many problems you could solve just by being able to motivate people towards their goals. You wouldn’t be frustrated by lazy co-workers. You wouldn’t be mad at your partner for wasting the weekend in front of the TV. Also, the more people around you are motivated toward their dreams, the more you can capitalize off their successes.

Being able to motivate people is key to your success at work, at home, and in the future because no one can achieve anything alone. We all need the help of others.

So, how to motivate people? Here are 7 ways to motivate others even you can do.

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1. Listen

Most people start out trying to motivate someone by giving them a lengthy speech, but this rarely works because motivation has to start inside others. The best way to motivate others is to start by listening to what they want to do. Find out what the person’s goals and dreams are. If it’s something you want to encourage, then continue through these steps.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are the best way to figure out what someone’s dreams are. If you can’t think of anything to ask, start with, “What have you always wanted to do?”

“Why do you want to do that?”

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“What makes you so excited about it?”

“How long has that been your dream?”

You need this information the help you with the following steps.

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3. Encourage

This is the most important step, because starting a dream is scary. People are so scared they will fail or look stupid, many never try to reach their goals, so this is where you come in. You must encourage them. Say things like, “I think you will be great at that.” Better yet, say, “I think your skills in X will help you succeed.” For example if you have a friend who wants to own a pet store, say, “You are so great with animals, I think you will be excellent at running a pet store.”

4. Ask About What the First Step Will Be

After you’ve encouraged them, find how they will start. If they don’t know, you can make suggestions, but it’s better to let the person figure out the first step themselves so they can be committed to the process.

5. Dream

This is the most fun step, because you can dream about success. Say things like, “Wouldn’t it be cool if your business took off, and you didn’t have to work at that job you hate?” By allowing others to dream, you solidify the motivation in place and connect their dreams to a future reality.

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6. Ask How You Can Help

Most of the time, others won’t need anything from you, but it’s always good to offer. Just letting the person know you’re there will help motivate them to start. And, who knows, maybe your skills can help.

7. Follow Up

Periodically, over the course of the next year, ask them how their goal is going. This way you can find out what progress has been made. You may need to do the seven steps again, or they may need motivation in another area of their life.

Final Thoughts

By following these seven steps, you’ll be able to encourage the people around you to achieve their dreams and goals. In return, you’ll be more passionate about getting to your goals, you’ll be surrounded by successful people, and others will want to help you reach your dreams …

Oh, and you’ll become a motivational super hero. Time to get a cape!

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Featured photo credit: Thought Catalog via unsplash.com

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