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Research Based Relationship Advice From Couples Who’ve Been Together For 40+ Years

Research Based Relationship Advice From Couples Who’ve Been Together For 40+ Years

Couples today look for relationship advice from many different sources, from celebrities to, unfortunately, clichés. They often follow conventional wisdom like not going to bed angry or that love means never having to say you’re sorry.

In an age where the divorce rate hovers around 50%, the world is running out of couples who have been together for more than a few years. Instead of seeking wisdom from clichés or quitting under even the slightest pressure, couples today should first look to those who have been working on their relationships for several decades.

Rather than looking for inoffensive and fleeting advice about buying gifts or sending flowers, it is better to get solid, working support from people who have been there. Sometimes, collective wisdom from experienced couples is more valuable than advice from anyone else.

Dr. Karl Pillemer is one advocate of seeking the wisdom of those who are older and wiser than his years. He spent most of his career focusing on the setbacks that people face as they grow older. But then he realized was neglecting the wisdom that only those who have lived life can provide.

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As a result, Dr. Pillemer has dedicated the last few years to writing “30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships and Marriage”.

In his book, Dr. Pillemer compiles all the advice that he gleaned from more than 700 people. These people have been married for an average of 43 years. What he learned after hundreds of interviews is that anyone can end up with someone they love. All you need to do is follow a few simple rules in love and life.

Play Games – The Good Kind

Many of the couples interviewed told Dr. Pillemer that watching a potential partner play board games is a great way to tell whether you would be a good fit. When you can see how a person reacts to winning, losing and high-stakes circumstances, you learn a lot about their personality and how you respond to it.

Knowing how someone responds to these circumstances shows you more than whether or not they are a gracious winner or a sorry loser. It often demonstrates larger patterns in the other person’s personality.

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68-year-old Jessica Cruz told Dr. Pillemer, “Young people today search for people in bars. But if you watch somebody play a game like dominoes, you get a good sense of their personality that way.”

Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Getting out of your comfort zone is not just essential for personal growth – it is the key to a great relationship as well. Many of those interviewed for the book suggested that a change of scenery will demonstrate whether you are with a person who you can spend your life with.

Going on traditional dates to dinner and the movies is a pleasant way for two people to talk about mutual interests. But getting out and doing something that scares you both is a great way to learn more about the deeper aspects of each other’s personalities.

Grab A Snickers Bar

Many of us have become aware of the term ‘hangry’, which is that compelling and intense way that you feel when you are so hungry that it begins to affect your emotions. Being hangry is all too real for most of us. According to Dr. Pillemer’s interviews, your hunger may indeed drive fights with your partner.

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Many couples reported that remembering that you may need a snack to help calm down is an important part of containing and resolving fights. Being aware of your hunger makes it much easier to say, ‘Sorry for the things that I said when I was hangry.’

Dr. Pillemer wrote that “many seniors talked about how their worst fights came when somebody was really hungry and let’s just say that I’ve used this in my own 35-year-old marriage and it really works.”

Talk About Your Feelings At The Right Time

Some people say that there is no right time to talk about your feelings; others say that the best time to talk is when you feel like talking.

Many of the people that Dr. Pillemer interviewed said that this was the wrong approach. Instead of talking about difficult issues anytime, you should discuss them at a time when both of you are at your best.

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Talking about the hard stuff is never easy. But if you can find a time of day where you are both relaxed, that can make dealing with difficult topics a little bit easier.

The only thing that seems harder than finding love is making it last. The number of couples today that have seen a lifetime of love is dwindling. But if couples today learn from their elders triumphs and failures, they can find themselves on a path to life-long love.

Featured photo credit: Miltos Gikas via flickr.com

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Last Updated on July 18, 2019

What Makes People Happy? 20 Secrets of “Always Happy” People

What Makes People Happy? 20 Secrets of “Always Happy” People

Some people just seem to float through life with a relentless sense of happiness – through the toughest of times, they’re unfazed and aloof, stopping to smell the roses and drinking out of a glass half full.

They may not have much to be happy about, but the simplicity behind that fact itself may make them happy.

It’s all a matter of perspective, conscious effort and self-awareness. Listed below are a number of reasons why some people are always happy.

1. They Manage Their Expectations

They’re not crushed when they don’t get what they want – or misled into expecting to get the most out of every situation. They approach every situation pragmatically, hoping for the best but being prepared for the worst.

2. They Don’t Set Unrealistic Standards

Similar to the last point, they don’t live their lives in a constant pursuit towards impossible visions of perfection, only to always find themselves falling short of what they want.

3. They Don’t Take Anything for Granted

Happiness rests with feeling fulfilled – those who fail to stop and appreciate what they have every now and again will never experience true fulfillment.

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4. They’re Not Materialistic

There are arguing viewpoints on whether or not money can really buy happiness; if it can, then we know from experience that we can never be satisfied because there will always be something newer or better that we want. Who has ever had enough money?

5. They Don’t Dwell

They don’t sweat the small things or waste time worrying about things that don’t really matter at the end of the day. They don’t let negative thoughts latch onto them and drain them or distract them. Life’s too short to worry.

6. They Care About Themselves First

They’re independent, care for themselves and understand that they must put their needs first in order to accommodate the needs of others.

They indulge, aim to get what they want, make time for themselves and are extremely self-reliant.

7. They Enjoy the Little Things

They stop to smell the roses. They’re accustomed to find serenity when it’s available, to welcome entertainment or a stimulating discussion with a stranger when it crosses their path. They don’t overlook the small things in life that can be just as important.

8. They Can Adapt

They’re not afraid of change and they work to make the most out of new circumstances, good or bad. They thrive under pressure, are not overwhelmed easily and always embrace a change of pace.

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9. They Experiment

They try new things, experience new flavors and never shy away from something they have yet to experience. They never order twice from the same menu.

10. They Take Their Time

They don’t unnecessarily rush through life. They work on their own schedule to the extent that they can and maneuver through life at their own relaxing pace.

11. They Employ Different Perspectives

They’re not stuck in one perspective; a loss can result in a new opportunity, hitting rock bottom can mean that there’s no where to go but up.

12. They Seek to Learn

Their constant pursuit of knowledge keeps them inspired and interested in life. They cherish information and are on a life-long quest to learn as much as they can.

13. They Always Have a Plan

They don’t find themselves drifting without purpose. When something doesn’t go as planned, they have a plan for every letter in the alphabet to fall back on.

14. They Give Respect to Get It

They are respectful and, in turn, are seen as respectable; the respect they exude earns them the respect they deserve.

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15. They Consider Every Opportunity

They always have their eyes open for a new road, a new avenue worth exploring. They know how to recognize opportune moments and pounce on them to make the most of every situation. Success is inevitable for them.

16. They Always Seek to Improve

Perpetual self-improvement is the key towards their ongoing thirst for success. Whatever it is they do, they take pride in getting better and better, from social interactions to mundane tasks. Their pursuit at being the best eventually materializes.

17. They Don’t Take Life Too Seriously

They’re not ones to get offended easily over-analyze or complicate matters. They laugh at their own faults and misfortunes.

18. They Live in the Moment

They don’t live for tomorrow or dwell on what may have happened yesterday. Every day is a new opportunity, a new chapter. They live in the now, and in doing so, get the most out of every moment.

You can learn how to do so too: How to Live in the Moment and Stop Worrying About the Past or Future

19. They Say Yes

Much more often than they say no. They don’t have to be badgered to go out, don’t shy away from new opportunities or anything that may seem inconvenient.

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20. They’re Self-Aware

Most important, they’re wholly aware of themselves. They self-reflect and are conscious of their states of mind. If somethings bothering them, they fix it.

We’re all susceptible to feeling down every now and again, but we are all equipped with the necessary solutions that just have to be discovered.

Lack of confidence, inability to feel fulfilled, and susceptibility to stress are all matters that can be controlled through the way we handle our lives and perceive our circumstances.

Learn about How Self-Reflection Gives You a Happier and More Successful Life.

Final Thoughts

The main philosophy employed by the happiest includes the idea that life’s simply too short: life’s too short to let things get you down, to take things for granted, to pursue absolute and unrealistic perfection.

For some, employing these characteristics is a second nature – they do it without knowing. For others, a conscious effort must be put forth every now and again. Self-Awareness is key.

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Featured photo credit: Charles Postiaux via unsplash.com

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