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9 Warning Signs Of An Abusive Relationship (with practical questions to reflect on)

9 Warning Signs Of An Abusive Relationship (with practical questions to reflect on)

Let’s get straight to business.

No one deserves abuse. We all deserve safety, freedom, and love. The numbers across the world, including within Western societies, confirm beyond a shadow of doubt that women (and trans folk, we must always be mindful to add) face the overwhelming brunt of violence, brutality, murder, and abuse at the hands of their partners. Of course, there are always exceptions and we all are responsible for eliminating gender-based violence and abuse.

But we need to be mindful of the fact that we live in a heteronormative, patriarchal world. That’s because, if we’re going to eliminate abuse, we have to frame the fight in the right way before proceeding. So, having hopefully done that, below you will find 9 signs of an abusive relationship, along with some practical questions to reflect on. If you see one or more of these in your relationship, it’s time to seriously assess things and make efforts to find safety, health, real love, and freedom.

1. An oppressive power imbalance in the relationship

A death knell for any relationship, if that wasn’t already an obvious point from the intro to this piece. It’s really simple to know whether or not there’s a power imbalance in your relationship, because deep down it’s very likely you already feel it — the powerlessness.

To know it as a fact, honestly self-reflect on the following questions: Do you feel like your partner has power over you to the point where your independence and happiness is solely at their discretion? What about your dreams, passions, life ambitions? Do you feel like they’re all at the whim and fancy of your partner, or do you feel like you have enough space to pursue them while in this relationship?

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2. Controlling, uncaring attitude, with a distinct lack of empathy and a marked desire to establish dominance

An attitude more suited to being a mercenary for hire rather than a caring partner. This is the micro version of the previous point. This manifests in the day to day, the daily neglect and lack of care, coupled with a domineering sense of control.

Reflect on the following questions: Do you feel you have equal power and control in the relationship? Do you feel cared for and like you matter? Do you feel alone but shackled in the relationship?

3. Put-downs: emotional, verbal, social, cultural, and spiritual

Among the more damaging, and utterly inexplicable, forms of social interaction that should never ever be in a supposedly loving relationship are put-downs. I have never understood put-downs between people who apparently care about each other — friends, relatives, loved ones. They are childish, immature, and hurtful, only justified by some bullshit reasoning around “toughening up” or some such macho nonsense. Make no mistake, if you’re facing put-downs from your partner, this is abusive behavior.

Reflect on the following questions: Have you faced or do you face put-downs from them? Is it ever acknowledged or apologized for? How do you feel and how do you think they want you to feel with these put-downs?

4. Survivors “walking on eggshells”

Constantly having to worry about their unending demands, always being on alert for their mood swings and insecurities —you’re not a commando and this is a supposedly loving relationship, for crying out loud!

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If you even think this might describe you and your relationship, you need to make some changes regarding your own safety and liberation, calmly but with immediate intent.

Reflect on the following questions: Do you feel constantly anxious and stressed about your partner’s issues and insecurities? Do you feel like you can safely escape? Does your partner have power over you to the point where you are completely at their mercy?

5. Lack of support for a partner’s freedom and independence

Love can blossom fully only when the shackles of our respective individual and collective lives are smashed (now that would be a Hallmark card worth keeping). Everyone in a relationship should feel a similar degree of freedom and independence, as well as support for each other’s freedom and independence. There are no two ways about it, and only relationships that constantly strive for one another’s liberation can truly be called loving.

Reflect on the following questions: Do you feel supported in your dreams and your own independence? Do you feel free to pursue your passions while being in a loving relationship? Do you feel like you are having to put your life goals aside for someone else’s?

6. The love, care, and support is never really there at a core level

You know that feeling, yeah that feeling, deep inside your gut? Please, oh please, heed that feeling. You will know when the love is not there. You will know when all you have instead is a semi-sociopathic, pretend version of love.

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Reflect on the following questions: Do you feel loved? Do you? Are you really sure? (It had better have been an emphatic, resounding, joy-filled, heart-exploding YES! each time when you’re in a truly loving and supportive relationship — anything else ain’t the real deal)

7. Friends and family who care deeply about you are constantly worried

Worse, you start finding yourself either hiding or embellishing your relationship. This is a big, giant warning sign that is important to heed. Start seeking help from other healthy, well-adjusted loved ones who have your best interests at heart. Don’t hide because of some sexist or puritanical notion of shame. Fight your way out.

Reflect on the following questions: Who will stand by you when the chips are down? Who will fight for you when you are cornered? Who will you do the same for?

8. You find yourself constantly depressed and despairing about the relationship

How many red flags must go valiantly up before you heed their bright crimson warnings? Look, the occasional bump in the road might be par for the course, but a constant and unending feeling of doom? Oh no.

Reflect on the following questions: Does thinking about the future with your partner bring about a sense of despair and hopelessness? Do you really want a life with them? Do you?

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9. The relationship hurts more than it heals, it destroys more than it nurtures

Health and healing are absolutely inviolable parts of any loving relationship. It doesn’t have to always be joyful and fun-filled, but it has to be nurturing and caring. Just reflect on this one question: Does your partner hurt you?

Remember that it’s never too late to get safe and healthy and on a journey towards real love and happiness. Seek out the long, often scary, road to independence. Make sure you have lots of support along the way. And it’s totally cool (actually deeply desirable) to have safe but awesome fun along the way. I foresee a well-made indy movie in your future, my friend. Or some such cool life victory anyway.

Now fight that good fight for your freedom. Your abuser’s got nothing on you.

Featured photo credit: Don’t Speak! by Kristin Schmit via flickr.com

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Last Updated on September 20, 2018

7 Powerful Questions To Find Out What You Want To Do With Your Life

7 Powerful Questions To Find Out What You Want To Do With Your Life

What do I want to do with my life? It’s a question all of us think about at one point or another.

For some, the answer comes easily. For others, it takes a lifetime to figure out.

It’s easy to just go through the motions and continue to do what’s comfortable and familiar. But for those of you who seek fulfillment, who want to do more, these questions will help you paint a clearer picture of what you want to do with your life.

1. What are the things I’m most passionate about?

The first step to living a more fulfilling life is to think about the things that you’re passionate about.

What do you love? What fulfills you? What “work” do you do that doesn’t feel like work? Maybe you enjoy writing, maybe you love working with animals or maybe you have a knack for photography.

The point is, figure out what you love doing, then do more of it.

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2. What are my greatest accomplishments in life so far?

Think about your past experiences and the things in your life you’re most proud of.

How did those accomplishments make you feel? Pretty darn good, right? So why not try and emulate those experiences and feelings?

If you ran a marathon once and loved the feeling you had afterwards, start training for another one. If your child grew up to be a star athlete or musician because of your teachings, then be a coach or mentor for other kids.

Continue to do the things that have been most fulfilling for you.

3. If my life had absolutely no limits, what would I choose to have and what would I choose to do?

Here’s a cool exercise: Think about what you would do if you had no limits.

If you had all the money and time in the world, where would you go? What would you do? Who would you spend time with?

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These answers can help you figure out what you want to do with your life. It doesn’t mean you need millions of dollars to be happy though.

What it does mean is answering these questions will help you set goals to reach certain milestones and create a path toward happiness and fulfillment. Which leads to our next question …

4. What are my goals in life?

Goals are a necessary component to set you up for a happy future. So answer these questions:

Once you figure out the answers to each of these, you’ll have a much better idea of what you should do with your life.

5. Whom do I admire most in the world?

Following the path of successful people can set you up for success.

Think about the people you respect and admire most. What are their best qualities? Why do you respect them? What can you learn from them?

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You’re the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.[1] So don’t waste your time with people who hold you back from achieving your dreams.

Spend more time with happy, successful, optimistic people and you’ll become one of them.

6. What do I not like to do?

An important part of figuring out what you want to do with your life is honestly assessing what you don’t want to do.

What are the things you despise? What bugs you the most about your current job?

Maybe you hate meetings even though you sit through 6 hours of them every day. If that’s the case, find a job where you can work more independently.

The point is, if you want something to change in your life, you need to take action. Which leads to our final question …

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7. How hard am I willing to work to get what I want?

Great accomplishments never come easy. If you want to do great things with your life, you’re going to have to make a great effort. That will probably mean putting in more hours the average person, getting outside your comfort zone and learning as much as you can to achieve as much as you can.

But here’s the cool part: it’s often the journey that is the most fulfilling part. It’s during these seemingly small, insignificant moments that you’ll often find that “aha” moments that helps you answer the question,

“What do I want to do with my life?”

So take the first step toward improving your life. You won’t regret it.

Featured photo credit: Andrew Ly via unsplash.com

Reference

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