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Little Things Likeable People Do To Hold Back Their Temper

Little Things Likeable People Do To Hold Back Their Temper
“STOP IT!” 
“How many times have I told you ..?”
“Stop doing..”
“Why can’t you…”
“Why do I have…”
“Don’t do ..”
This used to be my limited vocabulary at home a few years ago! In those days, I would yell at the drop of a hat (literally!) at my kids. My temper would flare every few minutes when things were not done my way. I had expectations in my head that I would voice to my family. Invariably someone would not live up to the expectations and I would be screaming my top off! I hated myself right after the words slipped out of my mouth, but I would not stop. I would cry all the way to work in the car. I would tell myself this would not happen again and 3 minutes after entering home in the evening, it did!
I almost considered anger management classes until one day I chanced upon a technique quite by accident. Below I share this and a few other easy techniques I have learnt from other likable people. These techniques are now part and parcel of my life.They have improved the quality of my life and made me more likable with my family and others!

1. Count To 5

I was at a playground with my son a few years ago. At one point, a little boy came crying to his mom and pointed to my son and started bawling. My temper immediately began to flare up and I was going to take my son to the side and berate him. I called to my son. As my son came running towards me with a happy face, I was torn. I did not want to wipe that happiness from his face which was due to happen the minute I opened my mouth. I decided to give him and me, 5 seconds to enjoy the happiness. As I began to count to 5, he started talking. I learnt that the little boy was almost about to fall from the rock climbing wall and my son had helped him gain balance. I was stunned! The little boy was crying in the anticipation of the fall and that his mom had not been there to catch him! The 5 seconds that I had given myself had turned the story around. That’s when I decided to make the 5 seconds count a part of my life. You never know what the 5 seconds will produce or how it could change the course of the events. Next time, you feel the temper coming on, count to 5. Combine it with technique 2 below for best results!

2. Focus On Your Breath

Once I started being completely aware of my temper, I began to notice the feeling of constriction in my chest every time I was angry. I was forgetting to breathe at times or taking quick short shallow breathes. I decided to work on that. The minute I felt the constriction, I reminded myself to just breathe deeply. Take 3 deep breathes. Fill you lungs with oxygen and focus only on your breathe. This can be tied to the first technique. In the 5 seconds you pause, you are counting the seconds literally! You could instead focus on breathing deeply during the 5 second pause. Sometimes people forget to breathe deeply when they are so emotionally vested in the matter. They can’t stop their focus on the issue. The trick is to tie it to a physical action or sensation and use that as a trigger. In my case, I used the chest constriction as a trigger to focus on deep breathing.

3. Go For A Run Or Exercise

The heat in your body and the frustration and anger need an outlet. What better way to channel that high level of energy (although it is negative energy) than to exercise. Going for a walk or exercising gives you a chance to direct that energy towards a physical activity and lets you blow off some steam. It also gives you a chance to take a prolonged pause and maybe think about the thing that is bothering you.

4. Splash Your Face

Some people like to throw things or slam doors when they are angry. I always wondered how it provided them relief. I later learnt that a physical sensation such as an object breaking or hearing the door slam snaps some people out of their temper zone. I have instead adopted a simpler technique to snap out. I simply splash my face with cold water at the sink. Just the sudden feeling of cold water on my face snaps me out and cools me down.

5. Avoid Known Trigger Points

If you know stepping into your son’s room and seeing clothes on the floor is going to irk you, avoid that situation. Obviously, you can’t avoid it always and  you may need to step in and clean up at some point. Try to avoid doing it at a time when your emotions are running high. You may be in a better state to handle that trigger point at a different time in the day , maybe when you are more relaxed with a cup of coffee.

6. Meditate Daily

The health benefits of meditation are numerous. It has been proven to improve our mental well-being and lower our overall stress levels. Stress is a huge temper booster and we need to keep our stress levels at bay to reduce the temper tantrums. If you think that your monkey mind cannot be quietened during meditation, try a different form of meditation such as transcendental meditation.

7. Write It Out

Writing it out in a journal or a log helps you get it out of your system which is exactly what the temper devil is dying to do! Writing helps you vent out all your feelings and gives you a sense of relief. You could revisit it a later point and either tear it up or see if you could strategize ideas to sort out the thing that caused your temper to flare up. Writing gives you a way to know that you have control over your problem vs the problem controlling you! This gives you the courage to stop throwing temper tantrums.
Which of these techniques will you use ? What other little things do you do to hold back your temper? 

Featured photo credit: Yelling/Probably Okay via flickr.com

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

Reference

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