Advertising
Advertising

There’s A Lot To Reflect On The Way We Date Today

There’s A Lot To Reflect On The Way We Date Today

Dating now is a game of selfish convenience.

Meeting potential lovers is now more convenient than ever.

Instead of going out to socialize in person, we can sit in the safety of our bedrooms mindlessly scrolling through an endless sea of dating fishes. We download as many dating apps as we can, beef up our profile with witty remarks or clever emoji chain in hopes that princess flattery or prince charming happens to swipe right as well. It’s created a vicious cycle of judgement making snap decision after snap decision based almost solely on six pictures or less.

Advertising

This may seem completely harmless, but there’s a much larger issue lying just below the surface that needs to be addressed:

We’re losing the ability to communicate face to face.

One of the largest constraints in the early stages of dating, which can be catastrophic later in the relationship, is the way in which we communicate. With any form of digital communication you have, more or less, an endless amount of time to think and respond. You’re able to carefully craft messages or texts to be suave or sweet or funny or whatever emotion you’re trying to convey. This aspect of conversation is much more difficult to “wing” off the top of your head when the phone screen buffer is removed. Sure, people are shy. Sometimes the nervous tummy butterflies can get the best of you. However, at some point that shyness needs to be eliminated if there’s ever a hope of subsequent dates or sustaining a long term relationship. The only way to do that is talking to your partner’s face, not their Facebook.

Why?

If we communicate most of the time digitally, we’ll often share the wide ranges of emotion through digital formats, too. Jokes, sweet chatter, and a funny dog GIF are all enjoyable, but what happens when the other side of the spectrum is reached? What happens when we end up getting in a huge argument and are unable to discuss uncomfortable topics in person? Do you really believe that dealing with your relationship problems over the phone really alleviates the issue and brings you closer? Is that a healthy way of overcoming the inevitable confrontations relationships bring?

Advertising

To take it a step further into the digital realm, since such a noticeable volume of millennials use dating and social media apps, constantly being on the phone invites your partner to question, pry, and be deeply insecure about how you’re spending your time on your phone both in their presence and not. And when we’re insecure, there’s really no telling what levels we might stoop to to find “truth”. Snooping without asking, causing senseless fights over nothing, and jumping to irrational conclusions can all result from spending too much time talking digitally and not enough literal face to face time.

Technology is not entirely to blame here.

The users of technology are. Technology will continue to evolve despite your relationship or dating successes or downfalls. I think one thing that’s important to know, aside from the dangers in too little face to face discussion, is communicating the importance (or lack thereof) of technology in the relationship. Some people find it extremely sexy not texting all day so they have something to talk about next time they go out on a date or meet for a movie at the other’s house. Independence in this way can be interpreted in two ways, though: ignoring (a.k.a. he or she isn’t really interested) or attractive (a.k.a. they have a life outside of me and I respect that). But in any aspect of the relationship, communication is key. No one can read minds or pick up telekinetic impulses.

For single women and men who currently use dating apps, like me, do you continue to swipe and Bumble after you meet someone really cool off a dating app? Or do you continue to send out horrific pickup lines with the hopes of a laugh and, fingers crossed, a date?

Advertising

I think it’s not only respectful to the other party (that you’re presumably “into”) to deactivate your accounts on dating sites, but it’s also respectful to yourself. How much of a bummer would it be to be really stoked on time spent with someone only for them to find out that you’re still messaging several men or women on dating sites trying to get more hookups or meet ups? You’d look like a sleeze

No one wants to be a sleaze ball, and we all want sincere connection. Sadly, many of us continue to use these dating apps despite other people feel strongly about in the early stages because we enjoy the attention. When you match with someone attractive, or a cute boy sends you a sappy message, it feels good.

But what feels better is sincere connection with someone else. A connection that can only be established and maintained through consistent “IRL” face time.

Advertising

The game of dating hasn’t really changed, but it’s a bit more intricate now when technology is mixed in. Let’s not let ourselves, our lovers, and our relationships fall victim to these electronic vices.

Featured photo credit: Let’s Do 52/latteda via albumarium.com

More by this author

These 20 Regrets From People On Their Deathbeds Will Change Your Life This Short Animation Reveals A Brutal Truth About Life That Everyone Should Watch What You Need to Remember to Deal With Loss in Life Opposites Attracts: Couples with Different Characters Work Well There’s A Lot To Reflect On The Way We Date Today

Trending in Communication

1 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way 2 How to Break Free From Negative Thinking for Good 3 15 Simple Things You Can Do to Boost Your Daily Motivation 4 How to Say No When You Know You Say Yes Too Often 5 Feeling Super Stressed? Do This Daily Routine Every Day

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on September 18, 2020

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

For the original article by Celestine: 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” – Hans Selye

Have you ever experienced moments when things just don’t go your way? For example, losing your keys, accidentally spilling your drink, waking up late, missing your buses/trains, forgetting to bring your things, and so on?

You’re not alone. All of us, myself included, experience times when things don’t go as we expect.

Here is my guide on how to deal with daily setbacks.

1. Take a step back and evaluate

When something bad happens, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Some questions to ask yourself:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. Are you the only person facing this problem in the world today?
  3. How does this problem look like at an individual level? A national level? On a global scale?
  4. What’s the worst possible thing that can happen to you as a result of this?
  5. How is it going to impact your life in the next 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

Doing this exercise is not to undermine the problem or disclaiming responsibility, but to consider different perspectives, so you can adopt the best approach for it. Most problems we encounter daily may seem like huge issues when they crop up, but most, if not all, don’t have much impact in our life beyond that day.

Advertising

2. Vent if you have to, but don’t linger on the problem

If you feel very frustrated and need to let off some steam, go ahead and do that. Talk to a friend, complain, crib about it, or scream at the top of your lungs if it makes you happy.

At the same time, don’t get caught up with venting. While venting may temporarily relieve yourself, it’s not going to solve the problem ultimately. You don’t want to be an energy vampire.

Vent if there’s a need to, but do it for 15 to 20 minutes. Then move on.

3. Realize there are others out there facing this too

Even though the situation may be frustrating, you’re not alone. Remember there are almost 7 billion people in the world today, and chances are that other people have faced the same thing before too. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimizing mindset.

4. Process your thoughts/emotions

Process your thoughts/emotions with any of the four methods:

  1. Journal. Write your unhappiness in a private diary or in your blog. It doesn’t have to be formal at all – it can be a brain dump on rough paper or new word document. Delete after you are done.
  2. Audio taping. Record yourself as you talk out what’s on your mind. Tools include tape recorder, your PC (Audacity is a freeware for recording/editing audio) and your mobile (most mobiles today have audio recording functions). You can even use your voice mail for this. Just talking helps you to gain awareness of your emotions. After recording, play back and listen to what you said. You might find it quite revealing.
  3. Meditation. At its simplest form, meditation is just sitting/lying still and observing your reality as it is – including your thoughts and emotions. Some think that it involves some complex mambo-jumbo, but it doesn’t.
  4. Talking to someone. Talking about it with someone helps you work through the issue. It also gets you an alternate viewpoint and consider it from a different angle.

5. Acknowledge your thoughts

Don’t resist your thoughts, but acknowledge them. This includes both positive and negative thoughts.

By acknowledging, I mean recognizing these thoughts exist. So if say, you have a thought that says, “Wow, I’m so stupid!”, acknowledge that. If you have a thought that says, “I can’t believe this is happening to me again”, acknowledge that as well.

Advertising

Know that acknowledging the thoughts doesn’t mean you agree with them. It’s simply recognizing the existence of said thoughts so that you can stop resisting yourself and focus on the situation on hand.

6. Give yourself a break

If you’re very stressed out by the situation, and the problem is not time sensitive, then give yourself a break. Take a walk, listen to some music, watch a movie, or get some sleep. When you’re done, you should feel a lot more revitalized to deal with the situation.

7. Uncover what you’re really upset about

A lot of times, the anger we feel isn’t about the world. You may start off feeling angry at someone or something, but at the depth of it, it’s anger toward yourself.

Uncover the root of your anger. I have written a five part anger management series on how to permanently overcome anger.

After that, ask yourself: How can you improve the situation? Go to Step #9, where you define your actionable steps. Our anger comes from not having control on the situation. Sitting there and feeling infuriated is not going to change the situation. The more action we take, the more we will regain control over the situation, the better we will feel.

8. See this as an obstacle to be overcome

As Helen Keller once said,

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

Whatever you’re facing right now, see it as an obstacle to be overcome. In every worthy endeavor, there’ll always be countless obstacles that emerge along the way. These obstacles are what separate the people who make it, and those who don’t. If you’re able to push through and overcome them, you’ll emerge a stronger person than before. It’ll be harder for anything to get you down in the future.

9. Analyze the situation – Focus on actionable steps

In every setback, there are going to be things that can’t be reversed since they have already occurred. You want to focus on things that can still be changed (salvageable) vs. things that have already happened and can’t be changed. The only time the situation changes is when you take steps to improve it. Rather than cry over spilt milk, work through your situation:

  1. What’s the situation?
  2. What’s stressing you about this situation?
  3. What are the next steps that’ll help you resolve them?
  4. Take action on your next steps!

After you have identified your next steps, act on them. The key here is to focus on the actionable steps, not the inactionable steps. It’s about regaining control over the situation through direct action.

10. Identify how it occurred (so it won’t occur again next time)

A lot of times we react to our problems. The problem occurs, and we try to make the best out of what has happened within the context. While developing a healthy coping mechanism is important (which is what the other helping points are on), it’s also equally important, if not more, to understand how the problem arose. This way, you can work on preventing it from taking place next time, vs. dealing reactively with it.

Most of us probably think the problem is outside of our control, but reality is most of the times it’s fully preventable. It’s just a matter of how much responsibility you take over the problem.

For example, for someone who can’t get a cab for work in the morning, he/she may see the problem as a lack of cabs in the country, or bad luck. However, if you trace to the root of the problem, it’s probably more to do with (a) Having unrealistic expectations of the length of time to get a cab. He/she should budget more time for waiting for a cab next time. (b) Oversleeping, because he/she was too tired from working late the previous day. He/she should allocate enough time for rest next time. He/she should also pick up better time management skills, so as to finish work in lesser time.

11. Realize the situation can be a lot worse

No matter how bad the situation is, it can always be much worse. A plus point vs. negative point analysis will help you realize that.

Advertising

12. Do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it

No matter how bad your situation may seem, do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it. Life is too beautiful to worry so much over daily issues. Take a step back (#1), give yourself a break if you need to (#6), and do what you can within your means (#9). Everything else will unfold accordingly. Worrying too much about the outcome isn’t going to change things or make your life any better.

13. Pick out the learning points from the encounter

There’s something to learn from every encounter. What have you learned from this situation? What lessons have you taken away?

After you identify your learning points, think about how you’re going to apply them moving forward. With this, you’ve clearly gained something from this encounter. You’ve walked away a stronger, wiser, better person, with more life lessons to draw from in the future.

Get the manifesto version of this article: [Manifesto] What To Do When Things Don’t Go Your Way

Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

Read Next