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Can You Beat Onstage Anxiety?

Can You Beat Onstage Anxiety?

Tomorrow’s the big day. You have a presentation that you must do. You can’t get out of it. You toss and turn all night, dreading the coming dawn like a condemned man waiting for the sound of the tumbrel wheels on the cobblestones outside your cell.

Oooooo!

Okay, I am being a bit dramatic but according to surveys, many people are terrified of public speaking and would rather die than stand up in front of a group and say anything. If you are feeling nervous at the mere idea of addressing a group, you are not alone.

That said, knowing you are not alone does not help you when you are standing up there, well… alone baring your soul to those who may or may not be sympathetic to your cause. Stage fright is a big deal. I have been a musician,dancer and instructor for decades and in the beginning I had a huge problem with stage fright. It was so bad that I actually would not remember what happened on stage. Since my chosen profession had a lot to do with performing, I had no choice but to try and figure out a way to handle it.

As a performer, (and public speaking is performing) you are only as good as how well you perform. Nobody cares how great you sound in the studio or your living room. Am I nervous when I perform? Sure! Performing is like getting ready to ride a roller coaster. You get nervous, you master your fear, you get out there and you pull it off. Then, you get in line for your next ride because the last one was just so awesome!

Even the pros are still a little bit nervous just before they go onstage. Thinking that performing or presenting can be done without any emotional reaction is unrealistic. So how do these pros make it look so easy?

1. They prepare their content well.

The point of speaking to a group is to get your own personal communication across to more than one person. Your message is of paramount importance. It must be concise, presented in a proper sequence and easy to understand and communicate.

To start, choose your overall message. Write it out and ensure that it can be said in a line or two. If you cannot do this, your message is too vague and you will ramble. Don’t try to address too much in one presentation. Your one message should have offshoots but make sure each one leads back to and reaffirms your primary message.

Start by writing an outline of your presentation with a statement of your message first.  Save this to refer to when you are presenting. Like a short story, your presentation should have an introduction, a body and an ending. This is the accepted form of communication. Lacking this, your presentation will not make sense.

Make sure the parts of your presentation are in a chronological sequence that can be mentally followed by  your audience without effort. If things get complex, make sure you have graphics or sketches so your audience can SEE what you are talking about.

If your presentation is out of sequence or hard to envision, or too complicated, you will force your audience to skid off into a mental ditch, and you will lose them.

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Look over your outline from the point of view of your least experienced or educated audience member. Make sure it is understandable to them and does not leave them with more questions than answers.

Ensure that every moment of your presentation provides your listener with some valuable takeaway.

My favorite author, P.G. Wodehouse (the genius who invented Jeeves and Wooster), had a standard that he used when writing his brilliant novels. He said that he was never finished with a work until every single line in it had some sort of entertainment value. I picked up one of his novels and by golly he was right! He achieved this standard consistently and as a result has a huge following decade after decade. His novels are classics.

Knowing this, apply this standard to every one of your talking points. Eliminate any useless fluff that does not educate and/or entertain. Eliminate anything that does not pertain to your message.

If you use a word that your audience may not know, define it for them. Steer clear of acronyms and code words. These are the black ice of a presentation and are guaranteed to land your hapless audience in a mental ditch. You will be chattering on and moving forward and they will be lying there twisted and crushed and bleeding radiator fluid. (more drama)

2. They drill, drill drill!

Once you have done the above, put yourself in front of a mirror with everything you will be using to present or perform. Gather together your graphics. If you are presenting in high heels, put those on. In short, make it as close to the actual presentation as you can. Any little unresolved detail that steals your attention on the day of your presentation will distract your audience.

For performing artists, this applies equally. Rehearsing in sneakers will not prepare you for shoes that hurt after ten minutes on stage. Tight jackets, or sleeves that get in the way are all distractions for you and your audience, not to mention the dreaded faux leather (vinyl) pants that make you sweat like a Gorgonzola after two minutes under hot lights.

Set all of this up and drill your presentation in front of a mirror. Do not criticize your personal appearance on those things you cannot correct. By this I mean quit telling yourself that your nose is too big, you are too fat or thin or short etc. This accomplishes nothing positive.

Criticize only the points you can correct immediately. Adjust your presentation as you go. When you have done this several times you will have your presentation in its final form.

When you think you have drilled enough, drill some more. You will be amazed at how much calmer you feel walking into a stressful situation knowing without a doubt that you are fully prepared.

3. They know the curve of emotion that occurs during a performance.

Understand that just before you go on and the first few minutes of your performance are the scariest. Once you are through this, the rest is cake.

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While you are waiting for your entrance, don’t try to talk yourself out of your nervousness.This only serves to fix your attention more solidly on the dreaded event making it worse.  Instead, unfix your attention by looking at a point later that day. Picture yourself back in your office afterward feeling calm and relaxed. Picture the coming weekend with your kids doing something fun. Picture going to a movie. In short, create future pleasant experiences and these will pull you through the dreaded present.

If you have adequately drilled, there is nothing more you can do to ensure a great performance. At this point it is best to trust yourself and know you will pull it off rather than go over and over your presentation in your mind. I have done this many times and it was never productive. Instead it created more problems.

Once you get onstage it may be tempting to notice that your hands are shaking. Okay, so they are shaking. Who cares? Your message is more important than shaking hands. Focus on your message. The attention of your audience will be on what YOUR attention is on. If you focus on shaking hands, they will suddenly notice them. If you focus on a quavery voice, they will notice that too. If these things occur but you continue to focus on your message, they will get it.

Ensure that your words reach the audience by deciding that your words will reach the back wall or a point beyond your audience. This way, listeners will not be yelling “Speak Up!” when you start your presentation. If this occurs, it distracts your audience and gives the impression that you have lost control of the presentation.

If you have an audience member who insists on interrupting you or heckling you in a presentation, it is perfectly okay to politely ask them to refrain from interrupting you. It is rude to interrupt and there are rare audience members who do try to take control of an event to the detriment of you and your audience. You are responsible for the outcome of the event. You are the one who prepared and drilled. It is not okay to allow someone to take control of your forum. It is okay to impose some slight discipline on your audience and in fact, those who came to receive your message will appreciate it.

It can be as simple as pointing out that others might not have the same questions and that you can see this person afterward, or stating that questions will be addressed at the end of the presentation.

Once you get through the first few minutes you will notice that it gets easier. Then follow your outline as rehearsed and you will be great.

4. They gauge the overall emotion of the audience.

Is your audience enthusiastic? Conservative? Antagonistic? Apathetic?

Find the prevalent emotion and start speaking in that emotion. Practice varying these emotions in your rehearsal. When I was playing in a club band, each club drew different people in different emotional tones but one tone was always prevalent. Our band leader knew this and chose songs appropriately.

Biker bars tended to be a bit aggressive and somewhat angry. We chose harder rock and rebellious songs. Church gigs, of course would be a completely different mindset. For these events we would choose feel good songs.

It is best if you practice this to the point where you can do it on the fly. This way you are sure of engaging your audience from the outset.

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5. They do a lot of performing/speaking.

One thing I constantly tell my students is that performance is its own skill. The only way to get good at it is to do it. Unfortunately if you crash and burn, you do so in front of people BUT it doesn’t kill you and I would wager that most public speakers have had some pretty epic crashes and burns. I hate to say it but it is part of the game. If you give up after one crash and burn, you have lost.

I recall one event in which I was performing as a belly dancer. I was getting ready to put a lit candle on my head and do a candle dance. Just as I was lifting the candle, hot wax spilled barely missing my bare shoulder. The audience gasped and I knew that if I did not handle the remaining wax, they would be nervous throughout the performance and I would lose them, not to mention that I might get burned.

This was not the message I wanted to convey so I danced over to a nearby plastic plant and dumped the wax into it. I then put my finger to my lips indicating that this was our little secret, just me and the entire audience would know. They laughed and the tension was diffused. I still watch that video and laugh my butt off. I don’t know who owned that plant. Happily candle wax does not kill plastic.

While this was a happy ending, I had had many spectacular crash/burns prior to that point. Once you drag yourself out of the figurative ditch and seek emergency medical care for the umpteenth time, you can look back and do what my husband calls a “postmortem” which means an assessment of where you went wrong and how to avoid painful missteps in the future.

5. They have solutions for the symptoms of nervousness.

“The only thing to fear is fear itself!” Thank you Winston Churchill! He must have been talking about public speaking. I’ll bet he observed the following tactics:

Q: How can I handle my voice if it shakes?

A: Practice breathing and do vocal exercises for singers.

Q: What do I do with my hands if they are shaking and the audience then feels uncomfortable?

A: Hide them or hold them. If you have this problem do not incorporate into your presentation anything that will make this noticeable. Avoid holding single sheets of paper that will appear to take off like spastic wings if your hand starts to shake.

Q: Where do I look?

A: I look at a point beyond the audience when singing but if speaking, I look at various people in the room just as if I am talking to them alone. You do not have to make a point of looking at everyone. There are many schools of thought on this but I say do what feels natural. Trying to contrive a “natural method of speaking” doesn’t work. One motto I love is”If yer thinkin’ yer stinkin’.” This was told to me by a fine musician as he discussed the art of performing. Don’t think! Do!

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You will notice as a speaker that there are audience members who are more alive and engaged than others. I talk to them.

Speaking is a two way street. If I get positive feedback from someone in the audience they get rewarded with my attention.

6. They count each performance as an opportunity to hone their performance skills.

Each onstage experience makes you better no matter how it goes. Okay, so dumping candle wax into someone else’s plastic ficus was not my idea of a great performance. I had another performance outdoors where I stepped onstage and the wind blew out the candle immediately. Wow! Impressive! I can dance with an unlit candle on my head! It was supposed to be an impressive display of skill and ended up a comedy routine.

What was my Learning Takeaway? Don’t do a candle dance in high winds and dump your wax before you go onstage (or ensure that there are strategically placed plastic flora at every turn).

You will no doubt run into different and equally amusing situations and you will make your own list of Learning Takeaways. Heck! You might come up with enough of them that you could write a book!

Speaking and performing are very special skills. When you master (notice I did not say “if”?) you will wield the power to communicate broadly. You will be able to get your message across easily.

For more tips, please refer to my article “How to Give a Killer Presentation When You Feel Like Dying” right here on Lifehack.org.

Good luck! Write me and let me know how it goes!

Featured photo credit: http://www.Stockpic.com via Stokpic.com

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Chris Ellis

Successful Author, Life Coach and Musician

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Last Updated on October 17, 2019

How to Spend More Quality Time with Your Partner

How to Spend More Quality Time with Your Partner

You see your partner every single day. They are the first person you talk to in the morning and the last person you kiss goodnight.

But does seeing each other day in and day out equal a healthy relationship? Not necessarily.

Spending quality time with your partner is the best way to ensure your relationship stays healthy and strong. This means going above and beyond sitting together while you watch Netflix or going out for the occasional dinner. You deserve more from your relationship – and so does your spouse!

What does quality time mean? It means spending time with your spouse without interruption. It’s a chance for you to come together and talk. Communication will build emotional intimacy and trust.

Quality time is also about expressing love in a physical way. Not sex, necessarily (but that’s great, too!) but through hand-holding, cuddling, caressing, and tickling. Studies show that these displays of affection will boost partner satisfaction.[1]

So how do you spend quality time with your partner? Here are 13 relationship tips on making the most out of your time with your partner.

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1. Recognize the Signs

If you want a healthy relationship, you have to learn how to recognize the signs that you need to spend more quality time together.

Some telltale signs include:

  • You’re always on your phones.
  • You value friendships or hobbies over quality time with your spouse.
  • You aren’t together during important events.
  • You are arguing more often or lack connection.
  • You don’t make plans or date nights.
  • You’re not happy.

If you are experiencing any of these relationship symptoms, know that quality time together can reverse the negative effects of the signs above.

2. Try New Things Together

Have you ever wanted to learn how to play an instrument or speak another language? How about skydive or ballroom dance?

Instead of viewing these as solo hobbies and interests, why not involve your partner?

Trying new activities together builds healthy relationships because it encourages spouses to rely on one another for emotional and physical support.

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Shared hobbies also promote marital friendship, and the Journal of Happiness Studies found that marital satisfaction was twice as high for couples who viewed each other as best friends.[2]

3. Schedule in Tech-Free Time

Your phone is a great way to listen to music, watch videos, and keep up-to-date with friends and family. But is your phone good for your relationship?

Many couples phone snub, or ‘phub’, one another. Studies show that phubbing can lower relationship satisfaction and increase one’s chances of depression.[3]

Reduce those chances by removing distractions when spending quality time together and showing your partner they have your full attention.

4. Hit the Gym as a Couple

One way you can spend more time together as a couple is by becoming workout partners. Studies show that couples are more likely to stay with their exercise routine if they work out together.[4] Couples also work out harder than they would solo. One study found that 95 percent of couples who work out together maintained weight loss compares to the 66 percent of singles who did.[5]

Join a gym, do at-home couples’ workouts, try couples yoga, hit the hiking trails, or get your bikes out. No matter which way you choose to exercise, these healthy activities can promote a healthy relationship.

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5. Cook Meals Together

Pop open a bottle of wine or put some romantic music on while you get busy – in the kitchen, of course!

One of the best relationship tips for spending quality time together when you both have busy schedules is to cook meals together.[6]

Spice things up and try and prepare a four-course meal or a fancy French dish together. Not only is this a fun way to spend your time together, but it also promotes teamwork.

If all goes well, you’ll have a romantic date night meal at home that you prepared with your four hands. And if the food didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped, you are guaranteed to have a laugh and create new memories together.

6. Have a Regular Date Night

Couples experience a greater sense of happiness and less stress when they are spending quality time together.[7] One of the biggest relationship tips for a healthy partnership is to include a date night in your weekly routine.

The National Marriage Project found that having a weekly date night can make your relationship seem more exciting and helps prevent relationship boredom.[8] It also lowers the probability of divorce, improves your sex life, and increases healthy communication.

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Some great ideas for what to do on your date night include:

  • Have a movie marathon – Gather up your favorite flicks and cuddle up on the couch.
  • Play games together – Cards, board games, video games, and other creative outlets are a fun way to spend quality time together.
  • Recreate your first date – Go back to that restaurant and order the same meal you did when you first got together. You can spice up your evening by pretending you’re strangers meeting for the first time and see how sexy the night gets.
  • Plan a weekend getaway – There’s nothing better than traveling with the one you love.
  • Dinner and a movie – A classic!
  • Try a new restaurant – Make it your mission to rate and try all of the Mexican restaurants/Irish pubs/Italian trattorias in your area.
  • Have a long sex session – Intimacy promotes the release of the oxytocin hormone which is responsible for a myriad of great feelings.[9]

Here’re even more date night ideas for your reference: 50 Unique and Really Fun Date Ideas for Couples

Final Thoughts

The benefits of spending quality time together are endless. Here are just some of the ways it can contribute to a healthy relationship:

  • Improves emotional and physical intimacy
  • Lowers divorce rates
  • Improves communication
  • Reduces marital boredom
  • Bonds couples closer
  • Improves friendship
  • Boosts health
  • Reduces stress

These are all excellent reasons to start making date night a regular part of your week.

It’s easy to have a healthy relationship when you set aside dedicated time to share with your spouse. Try new things together, make your spouse your workout buddy, and look for innovative ways to be close and connected.

These relationship tips will bring great benefits to your marriage.

Featured photo credit: Allen Taylor via unsplash.com

Reference

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