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Can You Beat Onstage Anxiety?

Can You Beat Onstage Anxiety?

Tomorrow’s the big day. You have a presentation that you must do. You can’t get out of it. You toss and turn all night, dreading the coming dawn like a condemned man waiting for the sound of the tumbrel wheels on the cobblestones outside your cell.

Oooooo!

Okay, I am being a bit dramatic but according to surveys, many people are terrified of public speaking and would rather die than stand up in front of a group and say anything. If you are feeling nervous at the mere idea of addressing a group, you are not alone.

That said, knowing you are not alone does not help you when you are standing up there, well… alone baring your soul to those who may or may not be sympathetic to your cause. Stage fright is a big deal. I have been a musician,dancer and instructor for decades and in the beginning I had a huge problem with stage fright. It was so bad that I actually would not remember what happened on stage. Since my chosen profession had a lot to do with performing, I had no choice but to try and figure out a way to handle it.

As a performer, (and public speaking is performing) you are only as good as how well you perform. Nobody cares how great you sound in the studio or your living room. Am I nervous when I perform? Sure! Performing is like getting ready to ride a roller coaster. You get nervous, you master your fear, you get out there and you pull it off. Then, you get in line for your next ride because the last one was just so awesome!

Even the pros are still a little bit nervous just before they go onstage. Thinking that performing or presenting can be done without any emotional reaction is unrealistic. So how do these pros make it look so easy?

1. They prepare their content well.

The point of speaking to a group is to get your own personal communication across to more than one person. Your message is of paramount importance. It must be concise, presented in a proper sequence and easy to understand and communicate.

To start, choose your overall message. Write it out and ensure that it can be said in a line or two. If you cannot do this, your message is too vague and you will ramble. Don’t try to address too much in one presentation. Your one message should have offshoots but make sure each one leads back to and reaffirms your primary message.

Start by writing an outline of your presentation with a statement of your message first.  Save this to refer to when you are presenting. Like a short story, your presentation should have an introduction, a body and an ending. This is the accepted form of communication. Lacking this, your presentation will not make sense.

Make sure the parts of your presentation are in a chronological sequence that can be mentally followed by  your audience without effort. If things get complex, make sure you have graphics or sketches so your audience can SEE what you are talking about.

If your presentation is out of sequence or hard to envision, or too complicated, you will force your audience to skid off into a mental ditch, and you will lose them.

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Look over your outline from the point of view of your least experienced or educated audience member. Make sure it is understandable to them and does not leave them with more questions than answers.

Ensure that every moment of your presentation provides your listener with some valuable takeaway.

My favorite author, P.G. Wodehouse (the genius who invented Jeeves and Wooster), had a standard that he used when writing his brilliant novels. He said that he was never finished with a work until every single line in it had some sort of entertainment value. I picked up one of his novels and by golly he was right! He achieved this standard consistently and as a result has a huge following decade after decade. His novels are classics.

Knowing this, apply this standard to every one of your talking points. Eliminate any useless fluff that does not educate and/or entertain. Eliminate anything that does not pertain to your message.

If you use a word that your audience may not know, define it for them. Steer clear of acronyms and code words. These are the black ice of a presentation and are guaranteed to land your hapless audience in a mental ditch. You will be chattering on and moving forward and they will be lying there twisted and crushed and bleeding radiator fluid. (more drama)

2. They drill, drill drill!

Once you have done the above, put yourself in front of a mirror with everything you will be using to present or perform. Gather together your graphics. If you are presenting in high heels, put those on. In short, make it as close to the actual presentation as you can. Any little unresolved detail that steals your attention on the day of your presentation will distract your audience.

For performing artists, this applies equally. Rehearsing in sneakers will not prepare you for shoes that hurt after ten minutes on stage. Tight jackets, or sleeves that get in the way are all distractions for you and your audience, not to mention the dreaded faux leather (vinyl) pants that make you sweat like a Gorgonzola after two minutes under hot lights.

Set all of this up and drill your presentation in front of a mirror. Do not criticize your personal appearance on those things you cannot correct. By this I mean quit telling yourself that your nose is too big, you are too fat or thin or short etc. This accomplishes nothing positive.

Criticize only the points you can correct immediately. Adjust your presentation as you go. When you have done this several times you will have your presentation in its final form.

When you think you have drilled enough, drill some more. You will be amazed at how much calmer you feel walking into a stressful situation knowing without a doubt that you are fully prepared.

3. They know the curve of emotion that occurs during a performance.

Understand that just before you go on and the first few minutes of your performance are the scariest. Once you are through this, the rest is cake.

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While you are waiting for your entrance, don’t try to talk yourself out of your nervousness.This only serves to fix your attention more solidly on the dreaded event making it worse.  Instead, unfix your attention by looking at a point later that day. Picture yourself back in your office afterward feeling calm and relaxed. Picture the coming weekend with your kids doing something fun. Picture going to a movie. In short, create future pleasant experiences and these will pull you through the dreaded present.

If you have adequately drilled, there is nothing more you can do to ensure a great performance. At this point it is best to trust yourself and know you will pull it off rather than go over and over your presentation in your mind. I have done this many times and it was never productive. Instead it created more problems.

Once you get onstage it may be tempting to notice that your hands are shaking. Okay, so they are shaking. Who cares? Your message is more important than shaking hands. Focus on your message. The attention of your audience will be on what YOUR attention is on. If you focus on shaking hands, they will suddenly notice them. If you focus on a quavery voice, they will notice that too. If these things occur but you continue to focus on your message, they will get it.

Ensure that your words reach the audience by deciding that your words will reach the back wall or a point beyond your audience. This way, listeners will not be yelling “Speak Up!” when you start your presentation. If this occurs, it distracts your audience and gives the impression that you have lost control of the presentation.

If you have an audience member who insists on interrupting you or heckling you in a presentation, it is perfectly okay to politely ask them to refrain from interrupting you. It is rude to interrupt and there are rare audience members who do try to take control of an event to the detriment of you and your audience. You are responsible for the outcome of the event. You are the one who prepared and drilled. It is not okay to allow someone to take control of your forum. It is okay to impose some slight discipline on your audience and in fact, those who came to receive your message will appreciate it.

It can be as simple as pointing out that others might not have the same questions and that you can see this person afterward, or stating that questions will be addressed at the end of the presentation.

Once you get through the first few minutes you will notice that it gets easier. Then follow your outline as rehearsed and you will be great.

4. They gauge the overall emotion of the audience.

Is your audience enthusiastic? Conservative? Antagonistic? Apathetic?

Find the prevalent emotion and start speaking in that emotion. Practice varying these emotions in your rehearsal. When I was playing in a club band, each club drew different people in different emotional tones but one tone was always prevalent. Our band leader knew this and chose songs appropriately.

Biker bars tended to be a bit aggressive and somewhat angry. We chose harder rock and rebellious songs. Church gigs, of course would be a completely different mindset. For these events we would choose feel good songs.

It is best if you practice this to the point where you can do it on the fly. This way you are sure of engaging your audience from the outset.

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5. They do a lot of performing/speaking.

One thing I constantly tell my students is that performance is its own skill. The only way to get good at it is to do it. Unfortunately if you crash and burn, you do so in front of people BUT it doesn’t kill you and I would wager that most public speakers have had some pretty epic crashes and burns. I hate to say it but it is part of the game. If you give up after one crash and burn, you have lost.

I recall one event in which I was performing as a belly dancer. I was getting ready to put a lit candle on my head and do a candle dance. Just as I was lifting the candle, hot wax spilled barely missing my bare shoulder. The audience gasped and I knew that if I did not handle the remaining wax, they would be nervous throughout the performance and I would lose them, not to mention that I might get burned.

This was not the message I wanted to convey so I danced over to a nearby plastic plant and dumped the wax into it. I then put my finger to my lips indicating that this was our little secret, just me and the entire audience would know. They laughed and the tension was diffused. I still watch that video and laugh my butt off. I don’t know who owned that plant. Happily candle wax does not kill plastic.

While this was a happy ending, I had had many spectacular crash/burns prior to that point. Once you drag yourself out of the figurative ditch and seek emergency medical care for the umpteenth time, you can look back and do what my husband calls a “postmortem” which means an assessment of where you went wrong and how to avoid painful missteps in the future.

5. They have solutions for the symptoms of nervousness.

“The only thing to fear is fear itself!” Thank you Winston Churchill! He must have been talking about public speaking. I’ll bet he observed the following tactics:

Q: How can I handle my voice if it shakes?

A: Practice breathing and do vocal exercises for singers.

Q: What do I do with my hands if they are shaking and the audience then feels uncomfortable?

A: Hide them or hold them. If you have this problem do not incorporate into your presentation anything that will make this noticeable. Avoid holding single sheets of paper that will appear to take off like spastic wings if your hand starts to shake.

Q: Where do I look?

A: I look at a point beyond the audience when singing but if speaking, I look at various people in the room just as if I am talking to them alone. You do not have to make a point of looking at everyone. There are many schools of thought on this but I say do what feels natural. Trying to contrive a “natural method of speaking” doesn’t work. One motto I love is”If yer thinkin’ yer stinkin’.” This was told to me by a fine musician as he discussed the art of performing. Don’t think! Do!

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You will notice as a speaker that there are audience members who are more alive and engaged than others. I talk to them.

Speaking is a two way street. If I get positive feedback from someone in the audience they get rewarded with my attention.

6. They count each performance as an opportunity to hone their performance skills.

Each onstage experience makes you better no matter how it goes. Okay, so dumping candle wax into someone else’s plastic ficus was not my idea of a great performance. I had another performance outdoors where I stepped onstage and the wind blew out the candle immediately. Wow! Impressive! I can dance with an unlit candle on my head! It was supposed to be an impressive display of skill and ended up a comedy routine.

What was my Learning Takeaway? Don’t do a candle dance in high winds and dump your wax before you go onstage (or ensure that there are strategically placed plastic flora at every turn).

You will no doubt run into different and equally amusing situations and you will make your own list of Learning Takeaways. Heck! You might come up with enough of them that you could write a book!

Speaking and performing are very special skills. When you master (notice I did not say “if”?) you will wield the power to communicate broadly. You will be able to get your message across easily.

For more tips, please refer to my article “How to Give a Killer Presentation When You Feel Like Dying” right here on Lifehack.org.

Good luck! Write me and let me know how it goes!

Featured photo credit: http://www.Stockpic.com via Stokpic.com

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Last Updated on June 12, 2018

Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

A dysfunctional family is more than disagreement or constant arguments. Anything from plain neglect, to abuse and even verbal and physical violence is the everyday experience of those who are part of a dysfunctional family.

You know how this looks:

  • Parents constantly comparing children.
  • Siblings in conflict because of tolerated bullying.
  • Domestic violence.
  • Adultery…
  • And many others.

For all the members, this will mean emotional pain and even trauma; which, in case it doesn’t get resolved, will have a detrimental effect on the individual’s personality and development.

Needless to say, the younger members are the most vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean the parents are out of danger, as most commonly the parents play the roles of abuser-codependent, and in some cases, both parts inflicting pain on one another.

Most like to think these problems stem from deep-seated issues, and that therefore it’s pretty much impossible to deal with them.

This is only true for families not willing to do what it takes, for if only a single member is determined and knows how to do it, the whole family can do a lot of progress.

In this article, I’ll break down for you the basic steps of fixing a dysfunctional family. Although it may seem hopeless, it is possible to turn things around.

If you have ever felt in this position, or if you know somebody who is, this article is for you.

How to fix a dysfunctional family

In a few words the solution for a dysfunctional family lies in dropping the ego, focusing on the solution, switching blame for responsibility and doing the work as a unity, for the good of the whole family.

And this will accomplish things you once only saw as a dream.

Dropping the ego? Switching blame for responsibility? Doing the work? What does all this mean?

It’s simple. In a nutshell, it’s that which will allow you to turn a dysfunctional family into a functional one.

Let’s take a look at how exactly this can be done. And near the end we will also talk about what you can do in a dysfunctional family with cynical traits.

Dysfunctional families where not only problems are well-known, but also nobody seems to want a fix or openly decide to perpetuate the harmful behaviors. Such as the case of abuse and physical violence.

There is also a solution for these, it’s just not what you are expecting…

Dysfunctional… Or just average?

Most families are dysfunctional, though at varying degrees of dysfunctionality.

The milder cases, are just marked by “typical” comically-shrouded bullying or lack of interest in other members’ development or wellbeing.

You can know a family is dysfunctional if their interactions are anything different than cooperation, solidarity, care and support. But let’s get more specific…

A dysfunctional family is one in which members directly or indirectly suffer emotional and/or physical harm inflicted by other members of their family. Most commonly, perpetrated by the parents.

Even harmful actions as “passive” as neglect, which is inflicted by inaction rather than action, signifies a dysfunction within the family.

Dysfunctional families have conflicts such as:

  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Lack of interest and time spent together
  • Sexism
  • Utilitarianism
  • Lack of empathy
  • Unequal or unfair treatment
  • Disrespect towards boundaries
  • Control Issues
  • Jealousy
  • Verbal and physical abuse
  • Violence and even sexual misconduct or abuse

You may think a dysfunctional family has very little or nothing to do with personal productivity, but you would be wrong in thinking this way…

If a person is not emotionally well, she will not be able to perform as desired, as the emotional harm that has been inflicted will hinder everyday performance in the way of inability to concentrate, lack of mental clarity and low levels of inspiration, motivation and discipline.

Having a functional family does exactly the opposite: It creates productive members with no emotional baggage.

How to turn it around

When you’re part of a dysfunctional family you know it. You can quickly identify in other members the behaviors and conflicts that create the dysfunction.

But just in case you’re having trouble telling functional from dysfunctional I will tell you the following:

One of the easiest ways you can recognize if you are in a dysfunctional family is to survey your won feelings.

We often overlook this, but have you stopped to ask yourself how you feel?

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As cheesy as it may sound it really sheds a lot of light on the subject.

What behaviors, actions and attitudes in your family you wish were better?

Do you think certain behaviors and actions from your family marked you in the past?

Sadly, we cannot go back to the past to correct it. But we can do a lot in the present…

Correction is possible

In order to fix a dysfunctional family, you must start by putting an end to the behaviors and actions that are affecting you.

Verbalize it.

All members of the dysfunctional family have one issue in common: They don’t put a stop to the harm.

Whenever you feel your boundaries being overstepped there is just one single word you have to remember: STOP.

This is the door to a better, more functional family, because after this, comes the fix.

But first you have to identify and make others know where exactly lies the problem.

So go ahead and fearlessly start with “Stop”, followed by your expression of dissatisfaction.

Putting it to work in real life

In real life it would be something like this:

“OK, stop! Every time you belittle me I feel you don’t care. I need attention and respect, and it is your responsibility as my family to provide them to me”

Or:

“Stop. When you compare me with my cousin it hurts, I feel like I don’t matter and that’s not ok. I ask you to stop doing it.

Or:

“Please stop. When you start yelling all respect is lost and it turns into a battle of who can do it louder. Don’t raise your voice and let’s work this out the way humans do”.

As you can see, here you start by putting a stop to the toxic behavior when it arises. And afterwards you verbalize why it’s wrong and what needs of you need to be fulfilled.

This is what you have to remember:

1-Stop.

2-Why it’s wrong?

3-What you need.

And this will also work well in case you need to do it for another family member.

It’s a family thing

A dysfunctional family cannot be fixed by one member alone.

Yes, a single member can initiate progress and be the leader of the change. But in order to completely become functional all members must contribute to the solution.

In other words, you will need cooperation…

So don’t be afraid of asking for it!

Approach your family member and ask to be listened.

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We sometimes feel our needs are “not that important” or we simply believe they won’t listen. But thinking like this would be like being defeated at an unfought battle.

You will be amazed by how much people listen when you voice your needs, especially if it implies showing yourself open, vulnerable and in need.

It’s not a free-for-all battle

In order to get your family to cooperate, first you must fix your individual relationships with every member of the family. Remember: Relationships are always between two people, and two people only.

No matter how complex, the quality of a multi-member relationship (like a family) will always depend on the quality of the individual relationships.

Once you have straightened the relationship with every member of the dysfunctional family you will be able to better communicate with other members and help in the betterment of their individual relationship.

And this is where we will talk about the fix itself. The one I mentioned in the introduction…

The method

1. Drop the ego

Wherever there is conflict there is ego.

You cannot fix a relationship where there is ego, because the ego will want to win. Always. Yours and the other person.

Ego craves control and satisfaction, and in many cases, to establish dominance.

What does this have to do with a dysfunctional family? Everything. Ego will interfere with every plan you have to fix it.

It will make people suborn and defensive. And it will also make them drop responsibility. This is why, the first step is to drop the ego.

After you make sure you are not going to allow your ego to interfere you must work to make the other person do the same. How? By speaking from the heart…

Tell the other person how important all this is to you.

Tell the other person that it’s not a matter of arguing, but just working things out together.

Point out how it is not possible for you to do it alone.

And ask for sincere attention without any desire of opposition, because what you are doing is by no means in the hopes of harming the other person, but just to better the relationship and stop the damage being dealt to you.

You will have to point out the mistakes you need corrected, that’s for sure. And that leads me to the next point…

2. Not blame, but responsibility

When talking about others’ mistakes we often use an accusatory tone. And that’s natural, it’s what things should be like if ego was not present.

But since we are all creatures of ego, this immediately brings the shields up. And then unsheathes the swords…

When we blame others they automatically enter a defensive state, and this only leads to a failed negotiation.

What you need to do is to shift from blame to responsibility. And even that will have to be done carefully!

Instead of telling them off or demanding change or complaining, calmly point what the problem with their behavior is.

As much as this feels contradictory, also make them feel understood. You know how difficult it is to accept a mistake, so just make them feel it’s no big fuzz… which does not mean it’s ok, but it takes tension off.

You will do something like this:

“Hello dad. Can I talk with you for a minute? I really need to tell you something.

I have been feeling pretty sad lately and I know this is something you do care about.

You see, whenever I talk about my accomplishments you mention something else that makes my achievement pale in comparison.

I know you don’t do this intentionally and I know you might have not realized this until now, but I want to let you know this really brings me down.

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It would mean a lot to me if you could stop doing it, and it would help better our relationship, because this has already forced me to distance myself from you. And I don’t want that, I want a good, healthy relationship with you”

What happened here?

We started off with making it something important, something that needs both time and attention. Then we openly show ourselves vulnerable, just as we are.

We also mention why he should listen, and shove our feelings there again, because they are important.

We describe the issue with no attachment and with no hostile intention. It’s just a description.

And then we take the blame off. Just before we assign responsibility without actually saying it.

You are not blaming him directly, but you are pointing out the inevitable fact that his actions are causing a dysfunctionality. He is now responsible for changing.

This is what “switching blame for responsibility” means. What comes next? Doing the work!

3. Doing the work

What would any of this mean if, in the end, nothing changes? Exactly, nothing!

This is why you must follow up with every change that needs to be done.

Do so in a manner that is not hostile. Bring it up in a casual manner, and emphasizing how you both reached an agreement and how that is important to the family.

If the person doesn’t follow up don’t hesitate to bring it up again, and tell them you feel disappointed that your honest try at it was not listened.

It may even be a subject in itself, and therefore the need for another conversation.

“When you go back to old habits it shows that you didn’t really care about what I said. But back in real life you just reinforce how much contempt you show towards me and my feelings.

I talk with you because I care. Because although it would be easier for me to just distance myself from you I rather do my part in nurturing this relationship.

But there is just so much I can do, if you refuse to do your part I can do nothing else.”

You need very clear and positive communication in order to make this work.

Love is all you need

You must remember that in order for a dysfunctional family to become functional, all the work needs to stem from love.

That is the single one requirement for all this to work: Love.

And what happens if it simply is not there?

What happens if, nobody is willing to do what it takes?

What happens if a member of the family refuses to change and is happy with the harm he or she is dealing?

There is only one thing you can do:

To break away.

Let’s be honest, people, especially adults, are very difficult to change.

There is a Jewish proverb that I love, which sums it up like this:

“We spend the rest of our lives trying to unlearn what we learned before we were 7”

If you find it very hard to change the very traits that make your family dysfunctional or if it’s simply impossible, you still have a card up your sleeve…

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Although nobody likes to beak away from family members, we must remember we have a responsibility with ourselves as individuals, before any relationship with anyone.

You have the responsibility of making yourself happy and free. Because you matter as an individual, regardless of any relationships you have, be it family, friendship or romantic.

Putting distance

So in case you are dealing with a family member who is simply unwilling to change take both physical and emotional distance.

What do I mean?

Learn, first, to take their damage in a detached manner.

Don’t let it hurt you further. Instead take a deep breath and distance yourself emotionally.

Don’t be attached to feelings such as “Why doesn’t she love me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” or “If he wasn’t like that my life would be perfect”.

Simply refuse to keep participating in the emotional downward spiral and accept, even if it’s painful” that there is nothing you can do. Accept that even without that relationship you are whole, you are worthy of love and respect.

They are their responsibility and you are yours. So decide what is best for you.

Realize it only comes down to two possibilities:

I keep the relationship and therefore accept the abuse. Or…

I choose my peace of mind.

And don’t let your mind fool you. We often think that since we all are imperfect, we must take the good and the bad behaviors of people. And we are especially forgiving towards our family…

Well, guess what? We are also responsible adults who are aware and must own to their acts. Never excuse abuse or violence or transgression towards you or anybody else.

Choose your happiness and if possible, also distance yourself physically, as it will increase your peace of mind tenfold.

How to prevent it

There are two key concepts you must bear in mind in order to prevent the dysfunctionality of a family:

  • To be completely aware of one’s own mistakes and not allow them to impact others and…
  • To make sure our SO’s are also on the same channel before creating a family (i.e. having children)

Dysfunctional families are the product of irresponsible paternity, for the decades-long unresolved emotional conflict ends up surfacing in the family inevitably, and it will for sure harm those who least deserve it: Innocent children.

You may notice we went from talking about family, to talking about individual relationships, to talking about you. We went from “them” to “us” to “me”.

Why? Because in the end you have the power to fix a dysfunctional family. To correct the mistakes you have in yours and to prevent dysfunctionalities if you don’t have a family but plan to create one.

Priorities and clear thought

You may be part of a dysfunctional family, but that does not mean you are powerless or that you have to suffer the consequences.

You learned today how it’s all a matter of priorities and thinking clearly.

You learned that, if love exists, everything is possible. You learned that even when there is no love and no fix for your dysfunctional family, there are still things you can do. It’s a matter of choosing your peace, because you deserve it.

Everything will be better if you apply this knowledge. If you talk to that problematic family member. If you help them see the harm they are doing. If you make sure they do change and treat you the way you need to be treated…

If you choose yourself over that toxic family member. If you refuse to justify the harm that others can do to yourself. If you realize the most important relationship you have is with yourself.

And lastly, that you also have to be aware of your actions and be open to criticism. Because we might be unknowingly harming others. And that would be us creating a dysfunctionality. Don’t allow it to happen.

Dysfunctional families are not impossible to fix. It just takes love, cooperation and responsibility.

But if you tried and those elements are not present, just choose yourself instead.

Featured photo credit: Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash via unsplash.com

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