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18 Truths About Long-Term Relationships

18 Truths About Long-Term Relationships

My husband and I celebrated our 21st anniversary the other day by doing nothing. It’s not that we planned to do nothing. It’s not like we enjoyed a lazy day in which we spent the day in bed taking pleasure in each other’s company. It was just another day. After 21 years, our anniversary had morphed into an average day. And that’s okay with me.

Let me explain. It’s not because we have problems, or our marriage is on the rocks, or that we don’t care about anniversaries, because we do. We didn’t think about anniversaries when we got married. We didn’t think about the fact that my husband was in college to be a teacher and that most teachers start their new year mid-August. We didn’t realize that once we had children, we’d be experiencing first days of school and all that jazz around the same time. And it never fails. Almost every year, the first day of school for the kids and my husband falls on our anniversary, give or take one day.

This year was no different. After both kids finished their first days of school, after our son practiced golf for a few hours and our daughter went to Tae Kwon, after multiple phone calls and faxes between me and several doctors’ offices clearing our kids for just about everything at school, and after my husband’s full day full of 178 new students, duties as head of the math department, and other activities as the coach of various sports, we all settled in for the night.

I do admit feeling a little spoiled having the “expensive” carne asada on the grill for dinner. With several never-ending medical bills, a splurge on the good stuff – good eats and possibly a couple bottles of expensive beer to toast and homemade brownies for (me) the kids – made it feel like a first-class celebration. We also managed to share some amazing stories of the last 21 years that the kids are now old enough to hear and understand, bringing a few tears to all our eyes. I’d say our day full of everyday chaos and nothingness was everything I could hope for.

What topped it off as one of the best anniversaries ever was when my husband sneaked around the corner after dinner to surprise me with flowers. I was sure he didn’t get them, which was okay with me, but he did! They didn’t need to be big, flashy or expensive – in fact, I think they were the average grocery store kind you get when you’re in line and think, “Oh crap, I forgot our anniversary!” even though I know he didn’t forget.

Still, these flowers made me feel loved and appreciated and surprisingly wife-ish, this coming from an independent woman. It wasn’t the flowers, but his action that reminded me why our relationship continues to be strong. He’s consistent, and, yet, surprising at the same time. I’d like to say he’s vanilla ice cream – a regular guy who made my heart melt when I first saw him standing there at that pub almost 24 years ago. But when all those first feelings got mixed into real life, my ice cream guy brought and still brings everything he’s got: the hot fudge, sprinkles and cherry on top. And thankfully, we both are a little nuts!

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It’s not easy to make long-term relationships work, but these tips should help make yours last at least 21 years and hopefully many more.

1. You need to know that those crazy-in-love feelings will meet real life someday.

This doesn’t mean they go away; this just means they have to be tamed. Walking around on Cloud Nine is awesome, until you can’t get anything done at work. Or until your significant other does something that really pisses you off. This is the first time we have a “judgement day” or “Is this what I want?” moment.

“Falling in love and having a relationship are two very different things.” ~ Keanu Reeves

2. You won’t always like your partner.

It’s true. There will be moments when you’ll look at your partner’s face and wonder why you ever thought it was attractive. He or she will make you so angry, or act so silly, or be so. . . wrong, you’ll barely be able to deal with tit. And that’s okay, as long as you both know it’s “a moment.”

3. You won’t always feel attracted to your partner.

What? No way, you say in the beginning. However, it’s true. It’s usually because you’re angry. Or maybe you’re shallow. Whatever the reason, we go through phases and our partners don’t always attract us the same way as day one. It becomes an issue when this is long-standing. Try to remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Hint: It’s not always looks. One of the sexiest qualities of my husband is his sense of humor. (Of course, he’s pretty good-looking, too, but he’s damn funny.)

4. Your sex life won’t always be amazing.

In fact, there will be times when you have no sex life. Sometimes it comes naturally and the stars and planets align, the kids fall asleep early, your work schedules mesh or a million other things happen, and, voilà!, sex happens. Other times, you’ll have your hands full of babies, work demands or so much laundry/cooking/cleaning that you’ll be exhausted, or, as in our case, yet another heart surgery (me) that will wipe out this activity for months. That’s life.

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Intimacy, however, doesn’t have to mean sex. Just saying.

5. You’ll wonder if there’s something better out there.

Heck yeah, you will. You’ve probably seen better on social media. That’s because everyone posts the best of the best. Happy families, awesome houses, beautiful new cars, amazing vacations, perfect kids – those are the things we post. Who wants to see pictures of my 12-year-old Expedition that needs new tires? Only when I have all the surf boards on top because I’m posting that the kids are going surfing and that it’s 80 perfect degrees in perfect San Diego. It’s no wonder we think about greener grass out there. Just remember, everyone has weeds in their grass. (Trust me, in California, there’s no greener grass anywhere during this drought!)

6. You’ll hurt each other.

Meaning you’ll say stuff that you wish you could take back. Regularly. It will roll off your tongue in the heat of the moment because you know just how to hurt your partner. You know him well enough to know what stings the most. He knows your every fault, and your family’s faults and your history. Don’t think any of it is off-limits when you argue. Is this okay to do? Absolutely not. We shouldn’t try to hit hard with the zingers, but we do. It takes work to fight fair, but in the long run, it’s worth it.

7. You’re not always right; Your partner is not always wrong.

It’s really not about who’s right and who’s wrong. Don’t spend hours or energy trying to prove it. You’re wasting oxygen and minutes of your life.

8. You’ll ride the edge of trust and so will your partner.

Personally, I think Smartphones are the devil. They are the biggest cause of trust issues these days. Use them wisely. Between social media and texting, we’ve all second-guessed ourselves or our partners at least once. Long-term relationships MUST include trust. While you’re as open as possible with your partner, you will each need to have some privacy. This means trust. Just know that trust has an incredible ebb and flow in relationships.

9. You may hit that rock bottom moment when you think there’s no way this marriage will last.

Sometimes, things happen in life that change the very core of a marriage. My husband and I have two children with devastating health conditions, we’ve been through more than any parent or married couple should have to go through. Ever. I’ve had serious health issues. Some people tell my husband he’s a trooper “for sticking around”. If you’ve ever experienced a death of a parent or, worse, a child, or have gone through a catastrophic event, you know how hard it is to remain together. Only the strong marriages survive. When you hit that moment of truth, it’s not enough to simply say, “We made a vow.” You have to pull out all the punches and remember who you are to each other and who you need to be for each other.

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“Love is no assignment for cowards.” ~ Ovid

10. You need to swallow your pride. A lot.

Just get over yourself and do it. No need to say more.

11. You should be kind. All of the time.

Even if you’re mad, be a kind person. Don’t be an jerk. (Well, sometimes you have to be, but return to kindness fast). Remember that phrase “Kill ’em with kindness”? It works.

12. Understand your partner will change, develop and evolve over time. Be accepting.

Because you’ll change, develop and evolve over time, too. And you’ll expect your partner to accept you. Because life changes around us and experiences change people, you can’t expect people to stay the same. Hopefully, the two of you will evolve together.

“People change and forget to tell each other.” ~ Lillian Hellman

13. Learn to appreciate your partner’s good and bad qualities.

Don’t dwell on your partner’s faults. You don’t want her to nag on your faults all day long, so don’t do it to her. In the beginning, those faults didn’t matter so much. You were able to fall in love, weren’t you? Even if your guy leaves the toilet seat up . . . every single time he goes to the bathroom. Are you really willing to kill the relationship over a toilet seat?

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14. You’ll see each other at your worst.

If you stick around after seeing each other at the bottom most point in your lives, you’re golden. After several surgeries, my poor husband has had to help me in ways I NEVER thought he’d have to do. Totally embarrassing, but he didn’t even blink. He’s a keeper (and apparently so am I).

15. You should be eating dinner together.

Having this time together is almost a thing of the past these days with all our crazy schedules, but this is an incredible opportunity to reconnect with your partner. Talk about your day. Talk about the good and bad things. Use this time to work things out. Enjoy the senses together (sight, smell, taste).

16. You should be playing together.

Activities don’t have to be fancy or planned. Sometimes impromptu is the best. It can be as simple as walking out back to play an imaginary putting contest (as we often do when we can’t hit the course). You can include the kids or go at it alone. Enjoying activities together makes your relationship stronger.

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” ~ Plato

17. You’ll always have someone to laugh at your incredibly stupid jokes.

Even if it’s a courtesy laugh.

18. You’ll grow old together.

You can freak out about gray hair together. You’ll figure out wrinkles look better on him; he’ll figure out anti-wrinkle cream is damn expensive and a necessity for you. You’ll both move a little slower or work out a little harder. Food will become a little healthier and a little more important. Money will become an issue you discuss together. You may or may not have children, but if you do, you’ll be exhausted together, overwhelmed together and utterly in love together. You’ll  start watching weird TV shows together and maybe worry more about the news together. Whatever you do, it will all be done as a unit because you’ll always be thinking as a couple.

While it’s not easy to maintain a long-term relationship, it’s certainly doable. It’s not always as happy as butterflies and unicorns and not always as exciting as March Madness, but the hard work is certainly worth it. Who else would understand my strange obsession with Converse, my 365-day-a- year love for Christmas music, and wacky humor about my defective heart? Only you, baby. Here’s to another 21 years and counting.

Featured photo credit: Ian D. Keating via flickr.com

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Missy Mitchell

Author, Artist, Advocate

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Last Updated on January 15, 2019

How to Talk to Strangers Without Feeling Awkward

How to Talk to Strangers Without Feeling Awkward

Many of us feel awkward talking to strangers. I’m a very outgoing person, even though I sometimes feel uncomfortable walking up to someone and asking a question or starting a conversation. I consider myself pretty high up on the extrovert meter. So what is it that makes us pause and become worried or anxious about talking to people we don’t know?

In this article, we will discuss why we feel this way as well as some tips on how to talk to strangers without feeling awkward.

Step right up, don’t be shy!

Why We Feel Awkward Talking to Strangers

The next time you feel uncomfortable talking to a stranger, tell yourself that’s completely normal. There are numerous reasons why it’s actually natural to feel awkward talking to strangers:

Our Stress Levels Rise Around Strangers

Numerous studies have show that our levels of cortisol go up when we are around strangers.[1] Cortisol is the hormone inside of us which produces stress responses.[2]
So there you go, right off the bat you can see part of your standard response to strangers is due to a chemical reaction!

A very interesting by product of increased cortisol is that it makes us less empathetic. More than likely this can be traced to our evolution. The increase in the cortisol and the corresponding decrease in empathy makes us want to stay away from strangers. We are biologically wired to feel concern around strangers.

Evolution Taught Us to Be Wary

Evolution has also taught us to be wary of strangers in general. Humans as a whole have spent a large chunk of their history banded together in small protective groups. We did this in order to help protect each other and maximize resources.

When you think about it in this context, outsiders to our small groups or strangers are considered potential threats. Fear of strangers is common across almost all human cultures.

Culturally Conditioned

We can also thank our society for helping us feel uncomfortable and sometimes afraid of strangers. The term “stranger danger” is something most of us can relate to either growing up or raising kids. Or both.

I remember hearing this from my parents, mostly about not getting in someone’s car I didn’t know. And as the father of 2 teenage girls, you can be sure I’ve talked to them about this very concept more times that they want to hear.

The thought that strangers can be dangerous is built into us as it is. Toss in the amplification of the media on strangers doing things such as kidnapping kids and it takes it to an even higher level.

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Now that we’ve reviewed some of the reasons why we are nervous, let’s look at why you should talk to strangers more.

Benefits of Getting over the Awkwardness

Let’s take a quick look at some of the advantages of how to talk to strangers without feeling awkward. These are some high level benefits of talking to strangers.

1. Broadens Your Network

After you talk to someone, you didn’t know previously they become someone you know at least a little bit. This alone helps broaden your network of people you know. This is helpful in many ways whether it is work related or socially related.

2. Improves Your Communication Skills

I am a huge proponent of the value of solid communication skills and have written about it often. The more you talk to people, especially people you don’t know, the better your communication skills become.

Interacting with a wider variety of people will bring the added benefit of improving your communication skills.

3. Continually Learning

So many of us don’t actively seek to learn new things. This is one of the primary keys to staying engaged in life and our own personal self fulfillment.

Almost every time I speak to someone I didn’t know previously, I’ve learned something new. When we speak to strangers, it pushes us out of our comfort zones and we tend to learn new things.

4. Increases Self Confidence

Every time we learn to do something we were previously anxious about, we feel better about ourselves.

Forcing ourselves to talk to strangers will lead to increased self confidence. As we get more and more comfortable doing something that previously made us feel awkward, our self confidence will go up and up.

So, how to talk to strangers to reap these benefits?

How to Talk to Strangers

Here are some tips to on how to talk to strangers without feeling awkward.

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1. Say Hello

Putting “say hello” first may seem a bit obvious but let’s take a deeper look. Much of the social awkwardness when speaking to strangers is simply breaking the ice. The first words that will engage someone.

Most people will respond when someone says hello or hi to them. And those that don’t, you probably don’t want to talk to anyway.

Practice being the person that opens the door to a conversation. Say hello.

2. Ask About Them

Something that I have noticed over the years is that people love to talk about themselves. Even fairly private people tend to open up when asked about events in their lives.

You can ask leading questions that get people to talk about themselves and recent events. Things like recent movies watched or the summer vacation are great to get someone talking.

As a father, I also know that people love to talk about their kids. Asking about kids is a fairly easy topic to bring up and in general, most people will expound upon all the great things their kids do or are involved with.

3. Just Do It

One of the biggest reasons we don’t do things we want to or know we should is because we overthink it. Quit thinking about it so much and just do it.

When you give yourself the time to analyze every little angle about a situation, you also give plenty of time to talk yourself out of it. You’ll wind up thinking what if this happens or what if that happens.

Try to force yourself to jump right in without thinking about it too much. Whenever I have done this, I always feel great about it afterwards, no matter how it turned out.

4. Don’t Take It Personal

One of the greatest lessons in life I ever learned was don’t take anything personally. We all go through life with our own sets of experiences and see things through our own lens. The way people react to different situations has almost nothing to do with us. It has to do with previous experiences and the way people feel about things other than us.

When someone’s reaction isn’t what you’d hoped or expected, chances are it has nothing to do with you. Remember that and keep it in context.

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5. Get a Chuckle If Possible

I used the word chuckle purposely because it makes me laugh. In my opinion, it’s one of those funny words. We all like to laugh because it makes us feel good. And when someone makes us laugh, we typically remember those people in a positive light.

One of the best ways to make a conversation easy and free flowing is to get some laughter going. It doesn’t mean you have to be the master joke teller or anything. See if you can work in a way to make the person you are talking to get a smile or some laughter in. In fact, laughing at yourself maybe a nice try.

6. Detach

A great feeling is when you don’t mind which way something turns out, that you will be fine no matter what happens. Kind of like when I watch my two favorite football teams play against each other. I don’t really care who wins, I just want a fun game.

Treat talking to strangers the same way. You don’t really care how the conversation goes because you are detaching from the outcome. Make it a fun time with yourself and if the conversation goes well, awesome! If not then no big deal, move on.

7. Share Your Stories

Well, all like to feel connected to other people. And many times we wind up hanging out with people that we have things in common with. No surprise here.

To help with how to talk to strangers without feeling awkward, tell stories that have commonalities with the person you are talking to. Kids are an easy one. I have a daughter who was a competitive cheerleader and now plays club volleyball. I have instant connection and stories with strangers I speak with who have kids that play sports. It’s easy to relate to.

So when you are speaking to a stranger and you have a story or mutual connection point, bring it up.

8. Give a Compliment

Almost everyone likes hearing a compliment, whether they admit to it or not. As a general rule, we don’t give out enough compliments. It’s amazing how one small remark someone tosses your way about how good you look can literally make your entire day.

When you are speaking with someone you don’t know, see if you can work a compliment in. Nothing creepy here. Not a good idea to tell someone you just met that they are the prettiest or handsomest person you ever met. However, if you can share how you like their tattoo or shoes or something like that, it will help put the conversation into an easy going, smiling place.

9. Relax Your Body Language

If you go into a situation all worried and nervous, it shows on your body. Your shoulders are tensed up, there’s a look of consternation on your face, things like that.

When you engage a stranger in conversation, make it a point to relax your body language. Take a deep breath before you engage the person, let your body relax, and put a smile on your face. This will help relax you and it has the added benefit of putting the other person more at ease.

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If they see that you are relaxed, it helps them relax. Plus having open, engaging body language is very conducive to inviting someone to open up into a conversation with you.

10. Practice, Practice, Practice

Like everything else in life, talking to strangers gets easier with practice. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

Make it a point to talk to several strangers each week and it will definitely help you relax as you do it more and more.

After a while, it will become something you don’t even think about, you just do it. And that takes all of the awkwardness out of being in these type situations.

The Bottom Line

As we have seen, it is perfectly natural to feel awkward talking to strangers. We are biologically built that way and we have our own society constantly warning us how dangerous it is. It’s no wonder we feel awkward talking to strangers!

There are numerous benefits to learning to be more comfortable talking to strangers. See if you can employ some of the techniques mentioned to learn how to talk to strangers without feeling awkward.

Once you start practicing speaking with strangers more often and utilizing some of the tips, you will become more comfortable doing so. This in turn will lead to a learned new skill and increased self confidence.

Remember, everyone you know was a stranger at one time. Now get out there and make some new friends.

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Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com

Reference

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