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Thanks To My Past Self: Why My Next Relationship Is Gonna Be My Last One

Thanks To My Past Self: Why My Next Relationship Is Gonna Be My Last One

After my previous relationship ended I made a vow to myself: I would never get into another relationship until I had learned how to love myself. From that, evolved another vow: my next relationship will be my last one. I can assure this isn’t as somber as it sounds!

During my previous relationship I found myself to be changing into someone I did not like. The pressure of how a relationship was ‘supposed’ to be overwhelmed me and I started resisting. At the time I didn’t realize that was what it was. My mood changed completely. I found it hard to get out of bed, I found everything boring, I became jealous very easily, my usual laid-back nature became one of extreme up-tightness, and I was extremely quick to anger. Most important of all I found that I hated myself, which threw me. When you’re in a relationship you’re meant to be happy, love everything about the world and yourself right? I didn’t and it scared me. How could I make a relationship work if I hated myself? I became completely lost and overwhelmed. I responded by pressing a self-destruct button on the relationship. In my mind I didn’t want to be responsible for breaking someone’s heart, so I would push my partner further and further away until he ended the relationship. Although unconsciously I was pushing the relationship to end, when it did actually end it still came as a shock. I was devastated.

Once I had cried all the tears out I started to reflect on why it had ended. Because I’ve always been spiritual in my outlook it was a little bit easier dealing with the breakup. But only a little bit. There were a number of coincidences surrounding the timing of the breakup that I knew it was supposed to happen and I needed to take a close look at my behavior. The time had come for me to take responsibility for my role in the relationship.

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It was hard being completely honest with myself and admitting that I thought I was a horrible person to be around, I wanted everything my way ALL the time and found it hard to compromise. It was really hard to admit I had control issues. I had always seen myself as laid-back, but to realize I liked to control everything and everyone was a shock. If I could control everything then I wouldn’t get hurt and the outcome wouldn’t be a surprise. I knew what to expect.

After a lot of self-reflection here are the reasons why I’ve decided my next relationship won’t fail.

1. It won’t fail because I know my insecurities stem from fear

Any insecurities that arise during a relationship are based on fear. Whether that be a fear of not being loved, a fear of being abandoned or a fear of being hurt. All my fears in my previous relationship stemmed from all three of these and now that I know this, I’ll be better prepared in my next relationship to talk these fears out with my partner.

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2. It won’t fail because I’m more considerate

I’m more aware of myself and my motivations. I’ve become much calmer. I’m open to compromise and I know that a relationship involves two people working together. I now know that a relationship works depending on the people involved and not on unconscious rules imposed by society. I think about what other people may need instead of constantly concentrating on and worrying about what I need and if those needs will be met.

3. It won’t fail because I’m not a control freak anymore

Well, not completely, but I’m much better than I was! I know I can’t control the outcome of anything. I’ve learned to try and let go of controlling everything. It’s a waste of energy especially when I could be enjoying the moment rather than worrying about a future that hasn’t even happened yet. We’re taught that relationships are meant to work in a specific way and if they don’t then we’ve failed. But what a lot of people don’t tell us as we grow up is that there are no fail-safe ways to have a successful relationship. People are different and because of that each relationship works differently.

4. It won’t fail because I know what I want from myself

I know the type of person I want to be in a relationship. I’ve come to learn that I am who I am. I shouldn’t be changing myself to fit anyone else’s expectations when it comes to relationships. I may have momentary relapses as the relationship evolves, but I’m now a person who talks through my feelings and isn’t afraid to be vulnerable.

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5. It won’t fail because I’m learning to love myself

I’ve learned that being in a relationship involves a lot of self-love as well giving it to another person. My self-esteem was incredibly low in my previous relationship and it was hard to come back from that, but I managed it. And if I can do it, you certainly can!

6. It won’t fail because I can never truly ‘fail’ at anything

I don’t think any relationship ever ‘fails’. I think we’re all growing as people, and as we grow so does what we need from ourselves and our lives. From each ‘failed’ relationship we learn new things about ourselves. For a start we learn how to survive heart-break. We learn which aspects of ourselves need improvement. It’s a journey of self-discovery. When my previous relationship ended I viewed it as a lesson to learn about my ‘dark side’. As Paul Hudson says in his article “…if you’ve never had your heart broken, you haven’t yet seen both the brightest and darkest sides of your being.”

When we enter into a relationship we do so to give love as well as receive love. Sometimes we become so fearful of not receiving that love, that we act desperately and start seeing signs of not being loved everywhere. We imagine scenarios that don’t exist, we read too much into a simple phrase such as “I’m going to be home later than I thought” and it all stems from fear. Once we realize this, we finally set ourselves free from victim mode. We take back our personal power and we say “you know what, that relationship may not have worked out, but I’m a better person from it.” Relationships are beautiful things whether they go ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. It’s such an opportunity to grow as a human being, to learn what motivates you to give and receive love; you become empowered to say “I deserve love” with unrelenting conviction.

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Thanks to our past selves we’ve come out the other side we a renewed sense of who we are. I’ve learned not to be ashamed of who I was in my previous relationship, instead I’ve chosen to embrace that person, learn what I needed to and then grow into the person I want to be. If I can learn to love myself and actually ALLOW myself to do it, then you can too.

Featured photo credit: Cute man and woman sitting on a beach with sea/Ed Gregory via dl.dropboxusercontent.com

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Last Updated on November 5, 2018

8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

We’ve all got our enemies; people who take pleasure in causing us pain and misery. Sometimes, the development of an enemy is due to certain differences in your characters and events have led to that. Other times, some people end up hating you for apparently no reason at all.

Regardless of how you got this enemy, as opposed to the paradigm of fighting fire with fire, consider the following reasons and see why you should actually appreciate your enemies. This article will show you not only how to not be bothered by your enemies, but how to actually foster love for them.

Read on to learn the secret.

1. It’s a practical lesson in anger management

To be honest, your enemies are the best people to help you understand your sense of anger management. When it might be true that your enemies have a way of bringing out the worst in you as regards anger, it is also true that they can help you in your quest to have that anger managed. You can’t get truly angry at someone you love and it is only in that time when you get truly annoyed that you learn how to manage it.

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Anger management is more effective when it is in practice and not in theory

Your enemies are like the therapists who you need, but actually don’t want. Inasmuch as you might want to hate them, they provide you an opportunity to control the anger impulse that you have.

2. It’s an opportunity for healthy competition

You might not know it, but your enemies make for great rivals as they help harness the competitor in you (sometimes, you might not even know or bee conversant with this competitive side until you come across an adversary). You get the right motivation to compete and this can go a long way to spur you to victory.

However, while doing so, it is also essential that you remember not to become a worse version of yourself while competing. Working against an adversary is tricky, and you need to ensure that you don’t cause harm to yourself or your morals in the process. Healthy competition is all you need to get out of this.

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3. Their negative comments can help you make a breakthrough

It is true that your enemies never really have much good to say about you. However, in as much as they might be talking out of a place of hate, there might be some truth to what they’re saying.

To wit, whenever you hear something mean or nasty from an enemy, you might want to take a step back and evaluate yourself. There is a chance that what this enemy is saying is true and coming to face that fact is a major step in helping you to become a better person overall. This is another testament to the fact that enemies can be therapists in their own way.

4. Enemies can also be powerful allies

Loving your enemies can also mean making an effort to interact and make peace with them. In the end, if you are able to establish some common ground and patch things up, you’ll have succeeded in making another friend. And who doesn’t need friends?

This can also help you in working with people in the long run. You get to hone your inter-personal skills, and that can be a big plus to your ledger.

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5. It gives you the ability to realize positivity

In a multitude of negativity, a speck of positivity always seems to find its way through.

Sometimes, a knowledge of the fact that you have enemies will also help you to focus on the many positives and good things that are in your life. A lot of times, we neglect what really matters in life. This can be due to being overly concerned with the enemies we have.

However, it is also possible for this acknowledgement to spur you to take a step back and appreciate the goo things (and people who surround you).

6. There might just be a misunderstanding

Sometimes, the reason why you have an enemy might be something very innocuous. You might not have known the cause of this fractured relationship and your enemy will help complete the picture.

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Simply approaching them will help you to understand the reason for the fracture. This, in turn, can help you to work towards healing your relationship moving forward. Misunderstandings happen, and you need to be able to work around them.

7. You learn to appreciate love as well

A constant reminder of the fact that there are enemies will also help you not to take those who love you for granted. Love and hate are two opposing emotions and it is possible for one to momentarily overshadow the other.

However, while you’ll always have enemies, there will also always be people who love you. These people need to be appreciated for what they do for you. Never let the hate projected to you from your enemies take the place of that.

8. Do you really need the hate?

The truth is that enemies bring only toxic emotions and generate bad reactions from you. If you’re truly to live a prosperous life, you can’t really be carrying all this baggage around.

Hate is bad and you should try all you can to get rid of it. It is a well-known fact that nobody can get really far in life while carrying a lot of emotional baggage. Well, hate is the biggest form of emotional baggage there is.

Featured photo credit: rawpixel via unsplash.com

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