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Feel Fat and Worthless? It Could Be Destroying Your Business.

Feel Fat and Worthless? It Could Be Destroying Your Business.

Can’t remember the last time you looked in the mirror and actually liked what you saw? Struggling to think back to when you felt wholeheartedly confident, fearlessly self-assured and determinedly bold?

I feel you.

But feeling crappy about yourself could be doing even more harm than you might think … in fact, it may even be destroying your business and career. Here’s how.

The message

Okay, I’m going to get really straight with you: every day (in a myriad of ways), you’re sending a message out to the world.

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With the way you dress, the way you walk, the way you hold and present yourself, the way you speak, the words you use, the expression on your face and even the menu options you choose, you’re telling a story. Physically, mentally and even energetically, you’re sending your message – and your story – out into the world. And that story is being read, interpreted and reviewed by every single person you come in contact with – both consciously and subconsciously.

In the same way, we make snap judgments (which yep, I know totally sucks) about the people we come in contact with. We form opinions based on their body language. We decide whether we like them, want to work with them and – wait for it – want to invest in them (either financially, energetically or even just with our time) based on the story we read.

What’s your story?

And here’s where the problem rests: when you feel crappy about yourself, you’re also projecting that image out into that world. You’re sending the I’m-fat-and-worthless story to everyone you come in contact with. And even though you’re running yourself ragged trying to run a wildly successful business that attracts an abundance of clients and customers, it doesn’t matter. Because your story is saying that you – and in turn your business – aren’t worth anybody’s time.

Now, to simplify this massively, the story and message you’re sending out into the world is either one of success and abundance (“Look at me, I’m confident, happy, positive and radiating with success!”), or one of failure, lack, scarcity and rejection (“Ugh, I’m so fat and worthless. Everybody hates me. I’ll never get anywhere.”)

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And while we all have our A-team of supportive cheerleaders that help us shake off our negative funks, the truth is that the majority of people you interact with – and that your business needs to influence and woo – won’t care about your potential. They’ll judge you based on what they see, feel, hear and experience.

You get back what you put out

So, how can you use this 24/7 story-telling spiel to your advantage? Simple: be mindful of what message you’re sending out into the world.

I discovered the Law of Attraction through Esther and Jerry Hicks and while it’s a bit woo-woo, it does make sense to me. Condensed and simplified, it essentially means that you get back what you put out. Think happy, blissful thoughts? Get a happy, blissful experience. On the flip side, if you feel fat, worthless and unsuccessful, you’ll be attracting experiences that reinforce those feelings.

But wait … how can you change your story? And how can you feel good about yourself, attract positive experiences and expect good things to happen, when you feel fat, worthless and unsuccessful?

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Well, while everyone is different (and I encourage you to discover what works for you) here are three strategies that have helped me transform my story:

1. If what you focus on grows, then focus on the good stuff.

Take Peter Pan’s advice and think happy thoughts. Surround yourself with positive people. Take time to enjoy yourself, and your day, in as many ways as you can. Make your life about deliberately feeling good.

2. Practice gratitude.

If you’re reading this, then your life is pretty awesome. You have a digital device that allows you to read information on the inter-webs. You have time to read an article on Lifehack. And you’re in a position where you’re able to better yourself and your life. This is not something to be taken for granted. Now, I know this doesn’t mean it’s all sunshine and unicorns in your world. But by setting aside five or ten-minutes each day to say thank you for the good things that are in your life, you’ll feel so much better. Science says so too (not just the hippy entrepreneurial girl).

3. Rewrite your story.

In addition to writing ‘business stories’ for my professional copy-writing clients, I also write fiction in my spare time. Now this means that I’m kind of a super word geek, but more importantly that I have an unquenchable passion for storytelling. And this has come in very handy on those “WHY DON’T MY FAT JEANS FIT!” days. Because you know what I do? I rewrite. I’m no longer the girl who indulged in way too many cupcakes and now can’t fit into her jeans, I’m the girl who is going to wear that bangin’ maxi dress that she feels sexy as heck in. And you know what? It works. My confidence soars, the fat pants get shelved and I go on with my day. Because the reality is that it’s all just perception anyway. So why not do a rewrite? You’re not the entrepreneur who failed one too many times. You’re the genius business whiz who picked themselves up and kept going. You’re the successful entrepreneur who made their dreams a reality.

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Because it’s time for you to start calling the shots. It’s time for you to consciously choose your story and your message. It’s time for you to feel powerful, strong and brilliantly successful. It’s time for you. Now, go get ’em, tiger.

Featured photo credit: picjumbo.com_HNCK8495 via media.lifehack.org

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Last Updated on July 15, 2019

10 Signs of a Bad Boss and How to Deal with Them

10 Signs of a Bad Boss and How to Deal with Them

This is an article I didn’t want to write. Even if it appears that way on the surface, few things are black and white. Between the two colors is a world of gray. Notwithstanding the bosses who behave criminally, some of the people who carry the “bad boss” label have possibly been, or have the capacity to become, a “good boss.”

This is an article I didn’t want to write because I understand that depending on whom you ask, many of us could be labeled either a good or bad boss.

Perhaps another reason I didn’t want to write this article is because context matters. Context for the organization and context for the individual. What is happening in the organization? What is the culture? Is the “boss” in a position for which the individual is equipped to do the job? Is the person in a terrible place in life? The office culture, the relationship a team member has with a boss or board and the leader’s personal life can all influence how the person shows up and leads and how others perceive the individual.

But since I am writing this article, I will share a few signs that bosses are bad and in need of a timeout.

1. Bad Bosses Don’t Know and Haven’t Healed Their Inner Child

If you plan to lead people – well, if you plan to effectively lead yourself – you must get reacquainted with your inner child. Just because you are in young adulthood, middle age or the golden years doesn’t mean your inner child matches your chronological age. If you experienced trauma as a child, your inner child may be stuck at the point or age of that trauma. While you walk around in a woman’s size 10 shoe, your behavior may showcase an inner child who is much younger.

In a June 7, 2008, Psychology Today article, Stephen A. Diamond, Ph.D., observed,[1]

“The fact is that the majority of so-called adults are not truly adults at all. We all get older … But, psychologically speaking, this is not adulthood. True adulthood hinges on acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for loving and parenting one’s own inner child. For most adults, this never happens. Instead, their inner child has been denied, neglected, disparaged, abandoned or rejected. We are told by society to ‘grow up,’ putting childish things aside. To become adults, we’ve been taught that our inner child—representing our child-like capacity for innocence, wonder, awe, joy, sensitivity and playfulness—must be stifled, quarantined or even killed. The inner child comprises and potentiates these positive qualities. But it also holds our accumulated childhood hurts, traumas, fears and angers.”

Sometimes the key that your inner child needs tending to is conflict with someone else’s inner child.

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Good bosses are aware of the ups and downs of their childhood, have worked or are working to heal their inner child and are aware of their triggers. Good managers use this awareness to manage themselves, and their interactions with others. Bad bosses are oblivious to how their inner child impacts not only their life but the lives of others.

2. Bad Bosses Are Unable to Accept Feedback

Bad bosses are not intentional about creating an environment where their peers and colleagues can share feedback about their leadership. They don’t solicit feedback. Given the power dynamic that managers, CEOs and others in leadership yield, they must go out of their way to solicit feedback, and they must do so repeatedly.

Before being completely honest, most team members will test the waters and share low-stakes information to get a sense for how their boss will respond. If the boss is angry or retaliatory, team members are less likely to risk being candid in the future.

So being unable to accept feedback takes on two forms: failing to proactively and repeatedly ask for feedback and reacting poorly when feedback is shared.

3. Bad Bosses Are Unwilling to Give Timely Feedback

The flip side of accepting feedback is giving feedback. Both require courage. It takes courage to open yourself up and accept feedback on ways that you need to grow. Similarly, it takes courage to share honest feedback about a team member’s or colleague’s performance or behavior.

Since not everyone is open to accepting feedback, whether they’re a manager or not, having an honest conversation about areas a team member or colleague has missed the mark, is not always easy. Still, good bosses will find a way to share feedback, and they’ll do so in a timely fashion.

Withholding feedback and sharing it months after a situation has unfolded or in a snowball fashion is unhelpful to the employees. One of the ways we grow as leaders is through feedback. When people have the courage to tell us the truth, that information allows us to progress.

4. Bad Bosses Are Unable to Acknowledge Their Mistakes

Owning their mistakes is like a disease to bad bosses; they do not want it. Instead of being risk averse, they are accountability averse. The problem is that they can only gloss over their weaknesses or failures for so long; the people around are able to see their flaws and weaknesses, and bad bosses pretending they don’t exist is not helpful. It is infuriating.

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However, bad bosses are masterful at reassigning blame. They are unable or unwilling to accept responsibility for mistakes — small or large. But career expert Amanda Augustine told CNBC “Make It” in May 2017, that “good managers also admit their mistakes.”[2] They don’t pass the blame or pretend they didn’t make a mistake. They own it.

5. Bad Bosses Are Unwilling or Incapable of Being Vulnerable

Vulnerability is an underrated leadership skill. But well-placed and well-thought out vulnerability enables employees to see their leaders’ humanity, and it creates a way for leaders to bond with their teams.

Bad bosses may talk about vulnerability, but they don’t practice it in their own lives, particularly in the workplace.

6. Privately, Bad Bosses Do Not Live Up to the Organization’s Stated Values

Bad bosses may publicly spout the values of the organization they work for, but privately they either don’t believe or don’t embody those values.

If they work for an environmental group, they may not practice sustainability in their private lives. Their words and actions are incongruent.

7. Bad Bosses Are Unable to Inspire Others

When bad bosses are unable or unwilling to take the time to inspire others, they lead through fear or command. Neither are helpful.

A culture dominated by fear will stifle creativity and risk taking that can lead to innovation. An autocratic management style will have a similar effect in that team, members will not feel they have the space to step outside of the box they have been placed in.

A good boss is someone who takes time to share the big picture and time to inspire their teams to want to be a part of it.

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8. Bad Bosses Are Disinterested in How Their Behavior Impacts Others

They are narcissistic and focused on self-preservation. In “19 Traits of a Bad Boss,” Kevin Sheridan said,[3]

“Terrible bosses are endlessly self-centered. Everything is about them and not the people they manage or what is going on in their employees’ personal lives. It is never about the team, but rather all about how good they look. Conversely, great bosses lead with integrity, honesty, care, and authenticity.”

Rather than seeing their team’s talents and seeing people’s full humanity, bad bosses believe their team exists to serve them. Families, personal life and priorities be damned. Bona fide bad bosses believe that their comfort should be prioritized over their team’s needs and desires.

9. Bad Bosses Have Likely Received Negative Feedback

Bad bosses have likely been told that they are poor supervisors. They have likely been told time and time again that their behavior is harmful to the people around them.

Perhaps they do not know how to change or are unwilling to change. But bad bosses certainly have received clues, insights and direct feedback that their management style and behavior are harmful to others.

Even when someone hasn’t explicitly said, “Your behavior is harmful to me and others,” the absence of feedback indicates a problem. It can mean that the leader’s team doesn’t feel safe enough to share feedback, that people do not believe the leader will act on what is shared, or that people have determine the best strategy is to avoid the boss as much as possible.

10. Bad Bosses Are Perfectionists

Bad bosses are driven by an internal urge to be perfect. Perfectionists don’t just want to be perfect; they want everyone around them to be perfect as well. This is a standard that neither they nor their team can live up to.

Since perfection is illusive, they spend their time chasing their shadow and being frustrated that they cannot catch it. They are unable to enjoy the journey and often block others from doing so as well. They let “perfect” be the enemy of “good.” Rather than embracing a growth mindset that desires to learn and improved, they are compulsive and toxic.

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If you are like me and you see yourself in parts of this list, do not despair. A bad boss can change. The key is seeking honest feedback and being willing to work through that feedback and your triggers with a therapist or coach.

The Bottom Line

Regardless of your age and the mistakes you have made, you can change and become a healthier leader whom others respect and appreciate.

Conversely, if you are employed by a bad boss, do everything in your power to take care of yourself. Understand that your boss’s behavior, even if directed at you, is not about you. Your boss’s reactions, if and when you make a mistake, is a reflection on that individual, not you.

To survive the work environment, think about the lesson you are meant to learn. You can do this with a trusted therapist or capable coach. However, if you deem the work environment to be toxic and harmful to your health, seek employment elsewhere.

In the end, this is an article I did not want to write, but I’m happy I did.

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Featured photo credit: Amy Hirschi via unsplash.com

Reference

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