Advertising
Advertising

8 Acts You Might Be Doing To Kill Your Kid’s Creativity

8 Acts You Might Be Doing To Kill Your Kid’s Creativity

It’s a sad truth that some of the world’s best minds are stifled at a young age simply because society has forced them into doing so. Parents are not to blame for this, per se, as for the most part they are doing what they’ve read or been told is right. However, some actions parents take in regard to raising their children unfortunately might be doing more harm than good.

1. Giving Extrinsic Rewards

Okay, it’s definitely easiest to promise an extra scoop of ice cream if your child completes his homework, or practices her piano for a half hour. But by doing so, you’re ingraining two detrimental notions within their growing minds: One, that they should only do work if there is a reward offered; and two, that what they’re doing is actually work. Yes, I understand homework is not the most fun thing in the world to do, but by doing it, and doing it right, it will make learning the next step that much easier. If a child associates playing an instrument with hard work, he won’t be free to get creative with it. Instead, reward a job well done with a more fun piece of music, or a math puzzle that relates to the night’s homework. Every task has some menial part to it, but the reward for completing tasks should relate specifically to the skills built while working through the menial parts.

Advertising

2. Over-scheduling

In an effort to making their kids an expert at something, parents often sign their children up for way too many things. Karate, soccer, swimming lessons, and art classes? All this will do is make them a jack of all trades, and master of none. Too often, kids feel like they “have to go to baseball practice tonight,” instead of actually looking forward to it. How many of us, as adults, would want to be up and about until 9PM after a long day’s work, and still have to come home and do more work before bed? I know there are people that function that way, but the truth is they are probably cyborgs. The most successful minds in history have spoken out about the benefits of downtime. It’s when the mind is free from stress and having to follow a regiment that it is able to reflect on the day’s events, and prepare itself for the following day. With no downtime, children go through life never truly being prepared.

3. Limiting choices

On the other hand, giving a child too little to do will also stifle her creativity. I’m sure many parents have experienced this: You go out and buy an expensive toy, playset, etc. that comes in a huge box, and hours later find your kid playing with…the box. Of course, you’re not happy about it because you just spent $200 on cardboard. But to that child, it’s not a box; it’s a spaceship, a train, or a dollhouse. The lesson here is, children see the world differently than adults, and by forcing our narrow viewpoint upon them, we kill their imagination. I’ll let Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson explain this a little further.

Advertising

4. Shadowing or hovering

As a kid, I remember absolutely hating when a teacher would circle the room and check over my shoulder while I was completing a task. I always felt like I had better be right, or else I’d be completely embarrassed and never want to show my face in class again. It also made me feel incredibly rigid, so I would make sure I was doing the work her way, and wouldn’t deviate from the set instructions given. Children need to feel free to go about things in their own way, and find their own solutions. If children are constantly just repeating instructions, there will never be any innovation in their thought process.

5. Making them fear failure

Simply put: everyone fears failure. But without failure, success wouldn’t feel as sweet as it does. Unfortunately, we ingrain in our children the idea that failure is a dead end road, with no turning back. This can’t be farther from the truth. In fact, failure is simply a bump in the road to success. You wouldn’t turn back to home if you hit a pothole, right? (I mean, unless you get a flat, but stay with me here). Often, finding the right way to go about solving a problem is all about finding the ways not to go about solving it, and changing your approach. Children need to understand that failure is inevitable, but is able to be conquered. The only way failure wins is if they stop trying altogether.

Advertising

6. Rushing them

A notion that is sadly overlooked in today’s society is the idea that children are simply new to life. They truly do not have the experience adults have to understand concepts, and they lack the background knowledge we have that makes it easy for us to connect ideas and come to conclusions fairly quickly. Their brain is a muscle that takes time to form connections, and by rushing children through tasks we make it almost certain these connections will not be made. Let them accomplish goals at their own pace. It might take a little longer than expected, but the connections made will last a lifetime, and they will have a much easier go of it the next time they encounter a similar problem.

7. Making everything a competition

Okay, let me start out by saying I’m not all for the “everybody gets a trophy” thing. But placing the idea that they have to “beat” everyone else puts way too much pressure on children. You’ll notice that even the most famous sports stars aren’t simply obsessed with beating the other team; they’re focused on playing their best, and when they do, they end up winning the game. The only person a child should ever feel like he’s competing against is himself. He should approach every obstacle with the goal of being better at it than he was the day before. Not only will he continue to grow on a daily basis, but he will also be humble about his advances, instead of looking at “how much better” or “how much worse” he is at something than everyone else.

Advertising

8. Not being creative yourself

There’s a saying in the adult world: “If it looks stupid, but works…it’s not stupid.” A lot of us are afraid of looking…well, looking like children, when it comes to finding solutions to a problem. By stifling our own creativity, we stifle our children’s. We should be the ones who find new ways of doing things, so our children know it’s okay to go off the beaten path once in a while. We should create drums out of empty paint cans and milk jugs instead of throwing them away; we should make our own wrapping paper or greeting cards instead of buying them. It sounds corny, and it is. But the truth is, that’s what our children need. They need to see that we’re not afraid to drop the act and get silly, that it’s normal to be abnormal. When we force ourselves to walk a straight line, our children will follow. When we choose to skip and zig-zag around it, they’ll be right behind us.

Featured photo credit: Flickr via farm7.staticflickr.com

More by this author

20 Little Signs You’ve Found The One 8 Signs of a Man Who Will Never Ever Stop Loving You 8 Things To Remember When Dating Someone With A Guarded Heart 14 Signs You’re Not Drinking Enough Water Which Type of Visa Do You Need to Travel Abroad?

Trending in Child Development

1 Want Your Kids To Be Happy For A Lifetime? Make Them Feel Secure In The Early Days 2 Necessary Steps When Teaching Your Teenager to Drive 3 5 Tips For Teaching Money Management To Children 4 7 Effective Tips for Your Child’s Positive Growth 5 5 Ways to Ease Back to Work Without Nanny Anxiety

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising

Published on September 18, 2018

Coparenting 101: 17 Helpful Strategies for Divorced Parents

Coparenting 101: 17 Helpful Strategies for Divorced Parents

When people separate or divorce, one of their biggest challenges is coparenting their children together. As a Marriage and Family Therapist in Chicago, I often see divorced parents struggle with how to raise their children together.

One parent has a certain set of rules, and the other does it completely differently. It can be a real challenge to navigate this part of the divorce process.

Yet over the years, I have seen couples successfully raise their children together after a divorce. It takes a little attention and focus, but there are number of key strategies that these divorced couples employ to make coparenting much easier.

1. Communicate clearly.

When couples who are able to communicate coparenting items easily and without much emotion, they get a lot of the work of parenting done quickly. Yet when their discussions about parenting items are filled with emotion, then it muddies the waters.

If you find yourself fighting with your ex about all sorts of coparenting issues, you might want to set up a method of communication which reduces the emotion.

Perhaps a dedicated email thread that only has parenting items might keep the channels of communication more clean.

2. Clarify rules.

Many families we see here at our practice in Chicago have different rules at different houses for their children. This can certainly work, but the rules need to be clearly defined by the parents.

Where children struggle is when they are unclear about what the rules of each house are, and then try to manipulate the rules to get their way.

Clear communication of what the expectations are at each house can go a long way towards creating balance and stability.

3. Get out of the past.

It is important to be sure that any lingering items from your marriage stay as much in the past as possible.

Of course there will by dynamics from the marital relationship that persist in the coparenting relationship, but couples benefit by bringing their relationship out of the past and trying to create new ways of interacting around parenting items.

Advertising

4. Don’t triangulate.

One of the more difficult dynamics that we see in Family Therapy is when couples triangulate their children.

Triangulation is when whatever is unresolved between the parents gets transmitted through their interactions with the children.

In other words, the parents hostility and tension gets absorbed by the children and the children start acting it out. It can be very confusing when this happens, and Family Therapy can significantly help when this dynamic occurs.

5. Bless and release.

One thing that troubles a lot of people after a break up or divorce is that they continually hold on to old grudges or complaints.

In order to coparent more effectively, it can be helpful to bless and release your ex. This mean wishing them well and letting go of old hurts.

Can you hope for our ex that they have all good things and find the life and love that they are looking for? This sort of neutrality can go a long way with coparenting from a more balanced place.

6. Practice mindful parenting.

Many experts will tell parents to try to stay more calm than their child. If you are anxious, stressed and angry, then your child may become those things too.

Coparenting with an ex adds another layer of difficulty and potentially upsetting emotions. It is important to practice being mindful of your anxiety, stress and anger levels when parenting, and also when interacting with your coparent.

Finding ways to stay relaxed and put things in perspective can help.

7. Develop a support network.

Having a good team of trusted people in your corner can help to make sure you don’t feel alone in the process of coparenting. Talking with other parents who are divorced or separated might help you feel less alone in the process.

Additionally, having a trusted counselor or therapist in your corner who can help you look at your blind spots, can make a big difference.

Advertising

8. Practice presence.

Staying in the moment when parenting can be a useful thing whether you are coparenting, doing it alone, or alongside your partner.

Our minds can race all over the place when we are managing a lot of things in our family life. Yet taking time to stay in the moment and be present with your child will help calm and stabilize the situation.

If you are worried about future events, or stressed about what happened before, it takes you out of the present, which can be full of opportunities for meaningful experiences with your child.

9. Practice “I” statements.

A lot of couples will get in trouble by blaming their ex in front of their child. It can be difficult for them not to criticize their ex, or say something disparaging. Yet this can have a negative impact on the child.

Instead of pointing the finger, it helps to practice “I” statements. Talk about your frustration and how you get overwhelmed by difficult situations rather than commenting on how your ex made mistakes or is selfish.

Talking about your own experience helps you own your own power in the situation.

10. Learn to compromise.

If coparents are constantly arguing about their schedules, money, or what the rules are, then it can cause a very hostile and chaotic environment for the children.

Yet couples who learn to work together and compromise on the endless, daily family items that need to be negotiated, end up creating a more stable and calm environment for their children.

Even if you insist that you should have the children on a particular holiday because your ex had them the previous year, being willing to compromise and make alternate arrangements can pay off in the long run.

11. Give a little.

Coparents who are generous with one another, even if they are still upset about their breakup, help create an environment of wellbeing in their family.

If your coparent asks for a random extra weekend with the children, and you know that it is your turn that weekend, being generous and giving a little can go a long way towards generating good will.

Advertising

Withholding and counting each fairness and unfairness creates a less generous and more stingy family environment.

Of course you don’t want to compromise yourself and give over too much, but keeping on the lookout for when you can give just a bit more, can help the wellbeing of everyone involved.

12. Talk with your children.

Parents who worry about the potentially negative influence that their ex will have on their children do well by talking more with their kids.

If you are worried about what your ex might say to your child, it helps to have a good, open line of communication with the child such that you can better understand how they see the world.

It helps if they can talk with you about their confusion or any conflicting messages that they hear from their other parent.

13. Leverage your relationship.

Your child is hard wired to want to connect with you. Parents do well to know that the greatest influence that they have on their child is their relationship with them.

Your children are attached to you, and even if they act as if they want nothing to do with you, they are still wired for your approval and care.

Finding ways to leverage the inherent attachment can help create the sort of life that you’d like for your child.

14. Attract, don’t pursue.

Don’t overly pursue a connection with your child, but instead attract their interest to connect with you. When parents are too eager to chase a child who is distancing, then the child will often distance more.

Building on the inherent attachment that your child has with you, try to find ways to create harmonious and connected moments rather than asking them tons of questions and trying desperately to create closeness.

15. Open up.

Share more with your child about what you love, and what you are passionate about. Children who hear more about what parents care about tend to follow their own passions.

Advertising

Think about how many famous athletes or musicians children are also athletes or musicians. Children tend to follow the lead of their role models, and if you share what you love, then might emulate that pursuit themselves.

This can go a long way towards creating a lasting bond that can withstand any tension in a coparenting relationship.

16. Embrace change.

A lot of coparents have hidden regrets or live in the past. They wish their family situation could be different, but don’t know how to make it better.

Embracing change can help us move out of past hurts and regrets and find new ways to create the sort of changes we are looking for.

Perhaps you can find new ways to interact with your ex that might foster new family dynamics.

17. Make room for new possibilities.

A lot of divorced or separated couples that I work with tend to become hopeless about anything new happening in the family dynamic. They see patterns of interaction repeat themselves over and over, and they anticipate it will continue this way forever.

Yet if there is one thing we can count on is that things will eventually change. Making room in your mind for new possibilities can alleviate some of the hopelessness that sometimes comes with difficult coparenting situations.

Yes you are divorced, but It is indeed possible to be good coparents. Communication and patience go hand in hand if you want to raise happy and healthy kids as a divorced parent.

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

Read Next