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The Fear of Being Seen as Weak

The Fear of Being Seen as Weak

I grew up in the South Bronx during the mid 80s and early 90s. My mindset and experiences were forged on the streets during that very turbulent era. Those experiences, for better or worse, made me into the person that I am today.

Some years ago, I saw an interview where Mike Tyson was speaking about his personality. For those of you who may not be familiar with the former heavyweight champ, he can have a short temper, and does not take kindly to any form of abuse. He also has the one-two punch to back it up! During this particular interview, Tyson stated something along the lines of, “I was afraid of looking weak. I was afraid of being humiliated in the streets. So I became strong and really tough.”

Tyson’s words during that interview resonated with me. Anyone who has met me in person would tell you that I have a very powerful personality. They would tell you that I am confident, sometimes arrogant, and borderline frightening when I speak. They have said that I am extremely intense, and totally in your face. They know me as a mixed martial artist, a weapon’s enthusiast- and though very peaceful, I present a rough exterior.

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Unless they are one of those older friends who go back to my childhood, most of them would never tell you that I am a frightened, timid, and painfully shy guy. When I have said this to newer friends, or even demonstrated it in any form, I am met with shock and confusion. Anyone who has met me later in life would only see the other guy- that hard exterior, which I present today.

A few days ago, I was taking my wife’s Pomeranian, Calbee, to get groomed. Calbee is not a very friendly dog, and does not walk well on a leash. As such I put her in the bag that was provided to me: a small, pink shoulder carry bag. As I took the walk to the groomers, with Calbee in her pink bag, a few gentlemen pulled up beside me in a vehicle and proceeded to scream homosexual slurs at me.

My immediate reaction was to go on the defensive, and I glared towards the gentlemen. I considered setting Calbee down and going over and giving them the nice butt-whooping that they deserved. However, cooler heads prevailed and I realized that I was not defined by what these idiots said. Furthermore, I considered my friends who are gay, and how they are really great people, so why would it offend me that they chose to call me homosexual slurs?

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Perhaps my reaction is because in the neighborhoods where I grew up, this term was used to remove your manhood. It was one of the most offensive things that you could say about a man who grew up in the streets. As such, my instincts for self-preservation kicked in; back in those days you had to meet this type of aggression with equal or greater aggression, otherwise they would smell the weakness and devour you alive, while relegating your status to that of being a permanent victim. This happened to me many times, just as Mike Tyson experienced it too, and because of these experiences, I am the person that I am today.

I considered my options: there I was, 38 years old, carrying a four-pound dog in a pink handbag, and I was worried about some young punks offending my masculinity? Just like Mike Tyson, the streets made me this way. Being humiliated in the streets is one of the greatest fears that a man who comes from that environment could ever have! Respect was one of the few things we had when growing up poor and in the streets! You had to fight for it, otherwise you would be condemned to a life of abuse.

Yet, I’m not in that life anymore, am I?

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I shook my head at the young punks, and I continued walking towards the groomers. I knew that there was far too much at stake to let some fools provoke me into such a negative, lose-lose situation.

This is a message that I try to pass on to the youth today who may be in a similar situation to which I was back then. I try to teach them that aggressive reactions to such situations are all about ego, and pride- and even old guys like me have to be reminded of it on occasion.

I cannot speak for individuals who grew up under better circumstances, nor the female experience. However, for us young men who grew up in what is colloquially called “The Ghetto,” being seen as weak is one of the greatest fears that we have. Walking with Calbee to the groomers showed me, that though I have come a long way in how I deal with the world, I still have plenty of room for growth in my development.

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What are your thoughts about this topic?

Featured photo credit: Vazquez/FamilyMWR US Army via flickr.com

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Last Updated on September 28, 2020

The Pros and Cons of Working from Home

The Pros and Cons of Working from Home

At the start of the year, if you had asked anyone if they could do their work from home, many would have said no. They would have cited the need for team meetings, a place to be able to sit down and get on with their work, the camaraderie of the office, and being able to meet customers and clients face to face.

Almost ten months later, most of us have learned that we can do our work from home and in many ways, we have discovered working from home is a lot better than doing our work in a busy, bustling office environment where we are inundated with distractions and noise.

One of the things the 2020 pandemic has reminded us is we humans are incredibly adaptable. It is one of the strengths of our kind. Yet we have been unknowingly practicing this for years. When we move house we go through enormous upheaval.

When we change jobs, we not only change our work environment but we also change the surrounding people. Humans are adaptable and this adaptability gives us strength.

So, what are the pros and cons of working from home? Below I will share some things I have discovered since I made the change to being predominantly a person who works from home.

Pro #1: A More Relaxed Start to the Day

This one I love. When I had to be at a place of work in the past, I would always set my alarm to give me just enough time to make coffee, take a shower, and change. Mornings always felt like a rush.

Now, I can wake up a little later, make coffee and instead of rushing to get out of the door at a specific time, I can spend ten minutes writing in my journal, reviewing my plan for the day, and start the day in a more relaxed frame of mind.

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When you start the day in a relaxed state, you begin more positively. You find you have more clarity and more focus and you are not wasting energy worrying about whether you will be late.

Pro #2: More Quiet, Focused Time = Increased Productivity

One of the biggest difficulties of working in an office is the noise and distractions. If a colleague or boss can see you sat at your desk, you are more approachable. It is easier for them to ask you questions or engage you in meaningless conversations.

Working from home allows you to shut the door and get on with an hour or two of quiet focused work. If you close down your Slack and Email, you avoid the risk of being disturbed and it is amazing how much work you can get done.

An experiment conducted in 2012 found that working from home increased a person’s productivity by 13%, and more recent studies also find significant increases in productivity.[1]

When our productivity increases, the amount of time we need to perform our work decreases, and this means we can spend more time on activities that can bring us closer to our family and friends as well as improve our mental health.

Pro #3: More Control Over Your Day

Without bosses and colleagues watching over us all day, we have a lot more control over what we do. While some work will inevitably be more urgent than others, we still get a lot more choice about what we work on.

We also get more control over where we work. I remember when working in an office, we were given a fixed workstation. Some of these workstations were pleasant with a lot of natural sunlight, but other areas were less pleasant. It was often the luck of the draw whether we find ourselves in a good place to work or not.

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By working from home we can choose what work to work on and whether we want to face a window or not. We can get up and move to another place, and we can move from room to room. And if you have a garden, on nice days you could spend a few hours working outside.

Pro #4: You Get to Choose Your Office Environment

While many companies will provide you with a laptop or other equipment to do your work, others will give you an allowance to purchase your equipment. But with furniture such as your chair and desk, you have a lot of freedom.

I have seen a lot of amazing home working spaces with wonderful sets up—better chairs, laptop stands that make working from a laptop much more ergonomic and therefore, better for your neck.

You can also choose your wall art and the little nick-nacks on your desk or table. With all this freedom, you can create a very personal and excellent working environment that is a pleasure to work in. When you are happy doing your work, you will inevitably do better work.

Con #1: We Move a Lot Less

When we commute to a place of work, there is movement involved. Many people commute using public transport, which means walking to the bus stop or train station. Then, there is the movement at lunchtime when we go out to buy our lunch. Working in a place of work requires us to move more.

Unfortunately, working from home naturally causes us to move less and this means we are not burning as many calories as we need to.

Moving is essential to our health and if you are working from home you need to become much more aware of your movement. To ensure you are moving enough, make sure you take your lunch breaks. Get up from your desk and move. Go outside, if you can, and take a walk. And, of course, refrain from regular trips to the refrigerator.

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Con #2: Less Human Interaction

One of the nicest things about bringing a group of people together to work is the camaraderie and relationships that are built over time. Working from home takes us away from that human interaction and for many, this can cause a feeling of loss.

Humans are a social species—we need to be with other people. Without that connection, we start to feel lonely and that can lead to mental health issues.

Zoom and Microsoft Teams meeting cannot replace that interaction. Often, the interactions we get at our workplaces are spontaneous. But with video calls, there is nothing spontaneous—most of these calls are prearranged and that’s not spontaneous.

This lack of spontaneous interaction can also reduce a team’s ability to develop creative solutions—there’s just something about a group of incredibly creative people coming together in a room to thrash out ideas together that lends itself to creativity.

While video calls can be useful, they don’t match the connection between a group of people working on a solution together.

Con #3: The Cost of Buying Home Office Equipment

Not all companies are going to provide you with a nice allowance to buy expensive home office equipment. 100% remote companies such as Doist (the creators of Todoist and Twist) provide a $2,000 allowance to all their staff every two years to buy office equipment. Others are not so generous.

This can prove to be expensive for many people to create their ideal work-from-home workspace. Many people must make do with what they already have, and that could mean unsuitable chairs that damage backs and necks.

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For a future that will likely involve more flexible working arrangements, companies will need to support their staff in ways that will add additional costs to an already reduced bottom line.

Con #4: Unique Distractions

Not all people have the benefit of being able to afford childcare for young children, and this means they need to balance working and taking care of their kids.

For many parents, being able to go to a workplace gives them time away from the noise and demands of a young family, so they could get on with their work. Working from home removes this and can make doing video calls almost impossible.

To overcome this, where possible, you need to set some boundaries. I know this is not always possible, but it is something you need to try. You should do whatever you can to make sure you have some boundaries between your work life and home life.

Final Thoughts

Working from home can be hugely beneficial for many people, but it can also bring serious challenges to others.

We are moving towards a new way of working. Therefore, companies need to look at both the pros and cons of working from home and be prepared to support their staff in making this transition. It will not be impossible, but a lot of thought will need to go into it.

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Featured photo credit: Standsome Worklifestyle via unsplash.com

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