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After Breaking Up – How To Overcome Separation And Loneliness

After Breaking Up – How To Overcome Separation And Loneliness

After a break up, managing and dealing with the separation, along with appending loneliness is bever an easy task, especially for women.

In all of its forms, loneliness can be best described as a complex emotional state in which the sufferer feels uncared for, unattached, rejected or unattended to; over a short or even extended period of time. The psychological and emotional scale of loneliness can be so severe that it often leads to unexpected behavioral changes, suicidal tendencies, paranoia, or even death. But its complexities are even much worse when loneliness occurs as a result of unwanted separation from a loved one through death, divorce, family segregation, or from a needed relationship.

For you to understand the impact of separation on loneliness, you would first have to understand that (unwanted) separation is the distressing removal of a person or place from the ordinary strata of one’s life in as much that the affected person feels that their existence is almost useless without that missing person or place. And if you should put both of these together, then one can better understand the sufferings of a person who have to endure the pains of separation and loneliness.

In almost all cases, professional intervention by a psychiatrist, a counselor, or similarly skilled professional is often required in order to contain the ramifications of this dreaded emotional scourge. But even outside of that, there are still so seemingly simple but effective things that you can do to deal with separation and loneliness depending on what had triggered it in the first space.

So if it occurred from the perspective of a separated partner or a divorce; you can take these five simple tips into account, and you should soon be on your way to a little normalcy again.

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1. Accept (no matter what) that it is over, and that you have to move on to another phase in life.

After all, one of the biggest failures of people whose partners have walked away from them, is their inability to accept the separation or accept that the person wants to move on.
Pleading and begging the person to stay would only place them several times above you, and leave you to nothing more than being a weaker emotionally wrecked partner in an already lost relationship.

2. Accept that loneliness is normal.

One of the worst things that you can do after a separation is crying yourself out because you are going to be lonely.
It will be ok to cry, but cry only because you can’t believe you had wasted so much of your time with a jerk that was not really worth your time anyway.

For me, you will do yourself a good if you can accept the fact that loneliness is normal. If you can accept and understand that loneliness can also help you to reflect on yourself and your life in a positive way, then the impact of it will be positively felt.

Open your eyes and see loneliness as your personal time away from the whims, dependency and selfishness of other people.
Do not go running to a club or fun places in a bid to fight off that loneliness. After all, it might be a good thing to be lonely sometimes.

No need to fight it. Because it is a process that takes its own time, no matter how big the crowd that you are standing in.

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If you can accept that loneliness can be a good thing too, then you won’t have a problem being without the no-good person that walked away from you.

3. Do not try to force yourself to forget the person.

It will be ok to remember them, but focus on the bad, the drama, the pain, the stress, the misery, and the humiliating aspects of that relationship you had with them.

Even if you can repeatedly think about just one regretted or messy moment of your time with them, I can assure you that you would begin to feel happy that you had let them go, and may even begin to hate the thought of being with them, ever again.

4. Do not call, text or show your emotional side to them.

In most cases, when a guy or a girl dumps you, he or she my indirectly tests their emotional control by waiting for you to call his or her phone first to find out why they did what they did or what went wrong in the relationship. From the moment you calls him or her with that clumsiness or start giving your ex updates about your life, I can tell that he or she would be smiling on the other cheek because it tells them that you are weak and that you can’t do without him or her.

It will also be a good thing if you simply ignore his or her calls, their messages, and their social connections. He or she would soon come running at your door or at your job with a clumsy reason why they had to see you. But let your common sense take control, and let ex know that you already accept that it’s over, and that they are just cramming themselves into your new found space.

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And please make your statement very, very short. Thank you. Because having a lengthy meeting with your ex would be nothing more than one of their emotional tricks to bend you back in.

5. No matter what, do not rush into another relationship.

Some people think that if they call and spend time with the other guy or girl that was hanging on at the side of them, they would get some emotional help. Some even rush into romancing the new kid on the block that they give their email or phone number to a few weeks before their break up.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you that your new partner knows that you are nothing more than an emotional wrecking ball who would do anything to impress your ex or maybe satisfy your stupid emotions.

In such a case, you would have no one to blame but yourself, and you would soon have to be crying for the separation of two persons from your life. And frankly, I don’t know what advice I can give you to survive two stupendous separations.

So it is always best to wait it out, even if it means for two years, before committing to anyone again.

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It would make no sense you go into a new union, when you have not overcome the pains of the other.

Overall, surviving separation and loneliness has more to do with your own self discipline, your self-respect, and your ability to stick to your determination to survive it, no matter what.

And if you did, I would like you to tell me how you did it.

I’ll be waiting.

Featured photo credit: sunset with lonely woman via static.pexels.com

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Last Updated on September 18, 2020

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

For the original article by Celestine: 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” – Hans Selye

Have you ever experienced moments when things just don’t go your way? For example, losing your keys, accidentally spilling your drink, waking up late, missing your buses/trains, forgetting to bring your things, and so on?

You’re not alone. All of us, myself included, experience times when things don’t go as we expect.

Here is my guide on how to deal with daily setbacks.

1. Take a step back and evaluate

When something bad happens, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Some questions to ask yourself:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. Are you the only person facing this problem in the world today?
  3. How does this problem look like at an individual level? A national level? On a global scale?
  4. What’s the worst possible thing that can happen to you as a result of this?
  5. How is it going to impact your life in the next 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

Doing this exercise is not to undermine the problem or disclaiming responsibility, but to consider different perspectives, so you can adopt the best approach for it. Most problems we encounter daily may seem like huge issues when they crop up, but most, if not all, don’t have much impact in our life beyond that day.

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2. Vent if you have to, but don’t linger on the problem

If you feel very frustrated and need to let off some steam, go ahead and do that. Talk to a friend, complain, crib about it, or scream at the top of your lungs if it makes you happy.

At the same time, don’t get caught up with venting. While venting may temporarily relieve yourself, it’s not going to solve the problem ultimately. You don’t want to be an energy vampire.

Vent if there’s a need to, but do it for 15 to 20 minutes. Then move on.

3. Realize there are others out there facing this too

Even though the situation may be frustrating, you’re not alone. Remember there are almost 7 billion people in the world today, and chances are that other people have faced the same thing before too. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimizing mindset.

4. Process your thoughts/emotions

Process your thoughts/emotions with any of the four methods:

  1. Journal. Write your unhappiness in a private diary or in your blog. It doesn’t have to be formal at all – it can be a brain dump on rough paper or new word document. Delete after you are done.
  2. Audio taping. Record yourself as you talk out what’s on your mind. Tools include tape recorder, your PC (Audacity is a freeware for recording/editing audio) and your mobile (most mobiles today have audio recording functions). You can even use your voice mail for this. Just talking helps you to gain awareness of your emotions. After recording, play back and listen to what you said. You might find it quite revealing.
  3. Meditation. At its simplest form, meditation is just sitting/lying still and observing your reality as it is – including your thoughts and emotions. Some think that it involves some complex mambo-jumbo, but it doesn’t.
  4. Talking to someone. Talking about it with someone helps you work through the issue. It also gets you an alternate viewpoint and consider it from a different angle.

5. Acknowledge your thoughts

Don’t resist your thoughts, but acknowledge them. This includes both positive and negative thoughts.

By acknowledging, I mean recognizing these thoughts exist. So if say, you have a thought that says, “Wow, I’m so stupid!”, acknowledge that. If you have a thought that says, “I can’t believe this is happening to me again”, acknowledge that as well.

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Know that acknowledging the thoughts doesn’t mean you agree with them. It’s simply recognizing the existence of said thoughts so that you can stop resisting yourself and focus on the situation on hand.

6. Give yourself a break

If you’re very stressed out by the situation, and the problem is not time sensitive, then give yourself a break. Take a walk, listen to some music, watch a movie, or get some sleep. When you’re done, you should feel a lot more revitalized to deal with the situation.

7. Uncover what you’re really upset about

A lot of times, the anger we feel isn’t about the world. You may start off feeling angry at someone or something, but at the depth of it, it’s anger toward yourself.

Uncover the root of your anger. I have written a five part anger management series on how to permanently overcome anger.

After that, ask yourself: How can you improve the situation? Go to Step #9, where you define your actionable steps. Our anger comes from not having control on the situation. Sitting there and feeling infuriated is not going to change the situation. The more action we take, the more we will regain control over the situation, the better we will feel.

8. See this as an obstacle to be overcome

As Helen Keller once said,

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

Whatever you’re facing right now, see it as an obstacle to be overcome. In every worthy endeavor, there’ll always be countless obstacles that emerge along the way. These obstacles are what separate the people who make it, and those who don’t. If you’re able to push through and overcome them, you’ll emerge a stronger person than before. It’ll be harder for anything to get you down in the future.

9. Analyze the situation – Focus on actionable steps

In every setback, there are going to be things that can’t be reversed since they have already occurred. You want to focus on things that can still be changed (salvageable) vs. things that have already happened and can’t be changed. The only time the situation changes is when you take steps to improve it. Rather than cry over spilt milk, work through your situation:

  1. What’s the situation?
  2. What’s stressing you about this situation?
  3. What are the next steps that’ll help you resolve them?
  4. Take action on your next steps!

After you have identified your next steps, act on them. The key here is to focus on the actionable steps, not the inactionable steps. It’s about regaining control over the situation through direct action.

10. Identify how it occurred (so it won’t occur again next time)

A lot of times we react to our problems. The problem occurs, and we try to make the best out of what has happened within the context. While developing a healthy coping mechanism is important (which is what the other helping points are on), it’s also equally important, if not more, to understand how the problem arose. This way, you can work on preventing it from taking place next time, vs. dealing reactively with it.

Most of us probably think the problem is outside of our control, but reality is most of the times it’s fully preventable. It’s just a matter of how much responsibility you take over the problem.

For example, for someone who can’t get a cab for work in the morning, he/she may see the problem as a lack of cabs in the country, or bad luck. However, if you trace to the root of the problem, it’s probably more to do with (a) Having unrealistic expectations of the length of time to get a cab. He/she should budget more time for waiting for a cab next time. (b) Oversleeping, because he/she was too tired from working late the previous day. He/she should allocate enough time for rest next time. He/she should also pick up better time management skills, so as to finish work in lesser time.

11. Realize the situation can be a lot worse

No matter how bad the situation is, it can always be much worse. A plus point vs. negative point analysis will help you realize that.

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12. Do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it

No matter how bad your situation may seem, do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it. Life is too beautiful to worry so much over daily issues. Take a step back (#1), give yourself a break if you need to (#6), and do what you can within your means (#9). Everything else will unfold accordingly. Worrying too much about the outcome isn’t going to change things or make your life any better.

13. Pick out the learning points from the encounter

There’s something to learn from every encounter. What have you learned from this situation? What lessons have you taken away?

After you identify your learning points, think about how you’re going to apply them moving forward. With this, you’ve clearly gained something from this encounter. You’ve walked away a stronger, wiser, better person, with more life lessons to draw from in the future.

Get the manifesto version of this article: [Manifesto] What To Do When Things Don’t Go Your Way

Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

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