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After Breaking Up – How To Overcome Separation And Loneliness

After Breaking Up – How To Overcome Separation And Loneliness

After a break up, managing and dealing with the separation, along with appending loneliness is bever an easy task, especially for women.

In all of its forms, loneliness can be best described as a complex emotional state in which the sufferer feels uncared for, unattached, rejected or unattended to; over a short or even extended period of time. The psychological and emotional scale of loneliness can be so severe that it often leads to unexpected behavioral changes, suicidal tendencies, paranoia, or even death. But its complexities are even much worse when loneliness occurs as a result of unwanted separation from a loved one through death, divorce, family segregation, or from a needed relationship.

For you to understand the impact of separation on loneliness, you would first have to understand that (unwanted) separation is the distressing removal of a person or place from the ordinary strata of one’s life in as much that the affected person feels that their existence is almost useless without that missing person or place. And if you should put both of these together, then one can better understand the sufferings of a person who have to endure the pains of separation and loneliness.

In almost all cases, professional intervention by a psychiatrist, a counselor, or similarly skilled professional is often required in order to contain the ramifications of this dreaded emotional scourge. But even outside of that, there are still so seemingly simple but effective things that you can do to deal with separation and loneliness depending on what had triggered it in the first space.

So if it occurred from the perspective of a separated partner or a divorce; you can take these five simple tips into account, and you should soon be on your way to a little normalcy again.

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1. Accept (no matter what) that it is over, and that you have to move on to another phase in life.

After all, one of the biggest failures of people whose partners have walked away from them, is their inability to accept the separation or accept that the person wants to move on.
Pleading and begging the person to stay would only place them several times above you, and leave you to nothing more than being a weaker emotionally wrecked partner in an already lost relationship.

2. Accept that loneliness is normal.

One of the worst things that you can do after a separation is crying yourself out because you are going to be lonely.
It will be ok to cry, but cry only because you can’t believe you had wasted so much of your time with a jerk that was not really worth your time anyway.

For me, you will do yourself a good if you can accept the fact that loneliness is normal. If you can accept and understand that loneliness can also help you to reflect on yourself and your life in a positive way, then the impact of it will be positively felt.

Open your eyes and see loneliness as your personal time away from the whims, dependency and selfishness of other people.
Do not go running to a club or fun places in a bid to fight off that loneliness. After all, it might be a good thing to be lonely sometimes.

No need to fight it. Because it is a process that takes its own time, no matter how big the crowd that you are standing in.

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If you can accept that loneliness can be a good thing too, then you won’t have a problem being without the no-good person that walked away from you.

3. Do not try to force yourself to forget the person.

It will be ok to remember them, but focus on the bad, the drama, the pain, the stress, the misery, and the humiliating aspects of that relationship you had with them.

Even if you can repeatedly think about just one regretted or messy moment of your time with them, I can assure you that you would begin to feel happy that you had let them go, and may even begin to hate the thought of being with them, ever again.

4. Do not call, text or show your emotional side to them.

In most cases, when a guy or a girl dumps you, he or she my indirectly tests their emotional control by waiting for you to call his or her phone first to find out why they did what they did or what went wrong in the relationship. From the moment you calls him or her with that clumsiness or start giving your ex updates about your life, I can tell that he or she would be smiling on the other cheek because it tells them that you are weak and that you can’t do without him or her.

It will also be a good thing if you simply ignore his or her calls, their messages, and their social connections. He or she would soon come running at your door or at your job with a clumsy reason why they had to see you. But let your common sense take control, and let ex know that you already accept that it’s over, and that they are just cramming themselves into your new found space.

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And please make your statement very, very short. Thank you. Because having a lengthy meeting with your ex would be nothing more than one of their emotional tricks to bend you back in.

5. No matter what, do not rush into another relationship.

Some people think that if they call and spend time with the other guy or girl that was hanging on at the side of them, they would get some emotional help. Some even rush into romancing the new kid on the block that they give their email or phone number to a few weeks before their break up.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you that your new partner knows that you are nothing more than an emotional wrecking ball who would do anything to impress your ex or maybe satisfy your stupid emotions.

In such a case, you would have no one to blame but yourself, and you would soon have to be crying for the separation of two persons from your life. And frankly, I don’t know what advice I can give you to survive two stupendous separations.

So it is always best to wait it out, even if it means for two years, before committing to anyone again.

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It would make no sense you go into a new union, when you have not overcome the pains of the other.

Overall, surviving separation and loneliness has more to do with your own self discipline, your self-respect, and your ability to stick to your determination to survive it, no matter what.

And if you did, I would like you to tell me how you did it.

I’ll be waiting.

Featured photo credit: sunset with lonely woman via static.pexels.com

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

Reference

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