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After Breaking Up – How To Overcome Separation And Loneliness

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After Breaking Up – How To Overcome Separation And Loneliness

After a break up, managing and dealing with the separation, along with appending loneliness is bever an easy task, especially for women.

In all of its forms, loneliness can be best described as a complex emotional state in which the sufferer feels uncared for, unattached, rejected or unattended to; over a short or even extended period of time. The psychological and emotional scale of loneliness can be so severe that it often leads to unexpected behavioral changes, suicidal tendencies, paranoia, or even death. But its complexities are even much worse when loneliness occurs as a result of unwanted separation from a loved one through death, divorce, family segregation, or from a needed relationship.

For you to understand the impact of separation on loneliness, you would first have to understand that (unwanted) separation is the distressing removal of a person or place from the ordinary strata of one’s life in as much that the affected person feels that their existence is almost useless without that missing person or place. And if you should put both of these together, then one can better understand the sufferings of a person who have to endure the pains of separation and loneliness.

In almost all cases, professional intervention by a psychiatrist, a counselor, or similarly skilled professional is often required in order to contain the ramifications of this dreaded emotional scourge. But even outside of that, there are still so seemingly simple but effective things that you can do to deal with separation and loneliness depending on what had triggered it in the first space.

So if it occurred from the perspective of a separated partner or a divorce; you can take these five simple tips into account, and you should soon be on your way to a little normalcy again.

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1. Accept (no matter what) that it is over, and that you have to move on to another phase in life.

After all, one of the biggest failures of people whose partners have walked away from them, is their inability to accept the separation or accept that the person wants to move on.
Pleading and begging the person to stay would only place them several times above you, and leave you to nothing more than being a weaker emotionally wrecked partner in an already lost relationship.

2. Accept that loneliness is normal.

One of the worst things that you can do after a separation is crying yourself out because you are going to be lonely.
It will be ok to cry, but cry only because you can’t believe you had wasted so much of your time with a jerk that was not really worth your time anyway.

For me, you will do yourself a good if you can accept the fact that loneliness is normal. If you can accept and understand that loneliness can also help you to reflect on yourself and your life in a positive way, then the impact of it will be positively felt.

Open your eyes and see loneliness as your personal time away from the whims, dependency and selfishness of other people.
Do not go running to a club or fun places in a bid to fight off that loneliness. After all, it might be a good thing to be lonely sometimes.

No need to fight it. Because it is a process that takes its own time, no matter how big the crowd that you are standing in.

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If you can accept that loneliness can be a good thing too, then you won’t have a problem being without the no-good person that walked away from you.

3. Do not try to force yourself to forget the person.

It will be ok to remember them, but focus on the bad, the drama, the pain, the stress, the misery, and the humiliating aspects of that relationship you had with them.

Even if you can repeatedly think about just one regretted or messy moment of your time with them, I can assure you that you would begin to feel happy that you had let them go, and may even begin to hate the thought of being with them, ever again.

4. Do not call, text or show your emotional side to them.

In most cases, when a guy or a girl dumps you, he or she my indirectly tests their emotional control by waiting for you to call his or her phone first to find out why they did what they did or what went wrong in the relationship. From the moment you calls him or her with that clumsiness or start giving your ex updates about your life, I can tell that he or she would be smiling on the other cheek because it tells them that you are weak and that you can’t do without him or her.

It will also be a good thing if you simply ignore his or her calls, their messages, and their social connections. He or she would soon come running at your door or at your job with a clumsy reason why they had to see you. But let your common sense take control, and let ex know that you already accept that it’s over, and that they are just cramming themselves into your new found space.

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And please make your statement very, very short. Thank you. Because having a lengthy meeting with your ex would be nothing more than one of their emotional tricks to bend you back in.

5. No matter what, do not rush into another relationship.

Some people think that if they call and spend time with the other guy or girl that was hanging on at the side of them, they would get some emotional help. Some even rush into romancing the new kid on the block that they give their email or phone number to a few weeks before their break up.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you that your new partner knows that you are nothing more than an emotional wrecking ball who would do anything to impress your ex or maybe satisfy your stupid emotions.

In such a case, you would have no one to blame but yourself, and you would soon have to be crying for the separation of two persons from your life. And frankly, I don’t know what advice I can give you to survive two stupendous separations.

So it is always best to wait it out, even if it means for two years, before committing to anyone again.

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It would make no sense you go into a new union, when you have not overcome the pains of the other.

Overall, surviving separation and loneliness has more to do with your own self discipline, your self-respect, and your ability to stick to your determination to survive it, no matter what.

And if you did, I would like you to tell me how you did it.

I’ll be waiting.

Featured photo credit: sunset with lonely woman via static.pexels.com

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Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

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How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

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  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

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Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

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However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

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Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

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  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

Reference

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