Helping the Family to Get Things Done
Ever had a conversation with your brother about how he feels like he never seems to get anything done beyond checking his email? Or talked to your mother about her difficulties finishing a project?
Have you ever tried to help them set up a system — make their lives a little simpler or a little more productive? And had that attempt blow up in your face?
My experiences with helping my family (and many friends, as well) — even when they ask for the help — seem guaranteed to blow up in my face. If I’m lucky, I get a shrug and a ‘This just isn’t working for me.’ If I’m not lucky, at the next family get-together, I’m in for some serious snubbing.
Why is it so hard to help someone else become more productive?
At least in family situations, we all generally seem to assume that we have one another’s best interests at heart. I want my father to read a book on productivity or my cousin to filter her email because I think these actions will make their lives easier. And, fairly routinely, relatives ask for some sort of help. Every family get-together seems to focus on some new project: someone’s building a deck or planning a party or otherwise needs help. So, why is helping a friend or a family member out with productivity problems so much harder than pounding a couple of nails into what will eventually be a front porch?
I’ve got a theory: there’s a right way of hammering a nail. Try pounding a nail upside down and you’ll see how many variations you can really come up with. But with productivity, or even simply making a person’s life a little bit easier, there are thousands of different options. And the options that work perfectly in my life just aren’t going to work as well in anyone else’s — where I need to focus on handling my email addiction, my father needs to deal with an overflowing voice mail box. The techniques that get me through the day don’t translate into his lifestyle.
What is the solution?
We don’t want to leave our friends and family struggling in a situation where we think we might be able to help. But it can be hard to introduce techniques to other people: we can be very excited about a new trick or tip that they may not be able to use, or they may be resistant to changing their system, or a half dozen other difficulties. If you want to share the system you have developed, or even just a small trick that you think another person will find useful, there are ways to go about it that won’t get you kicked out of the next family reunion.
From my experiences, the most important step is to be okay with people not only ignoring your suggestions but flat out telling you that you’re wrong. Remember, you like these people, or you wouldn’t be offing your help. Pushiness won’t help anyone. So take a deep breath and let it go. Arguing about it will only lead to trouble: my attempts at making my mother’s life easier only got her to threaten to swap me for a grateful child. And, yes, I freely admit that if I hadn’t gotten so emotionally involved with her incoming email, I would have been safe from all such threats. Remember, it’s just email or shopping lists or whatever. The people are the important thing: if their system works for them, leave it alone.
You should also keep in mind that different people work well with different systems. Many people consider ‘Getting Things Done’ ideal for their lives, but just as many have decided that, while it’s a great framework, there are plenty of detail that need tweaking — and even more that just don’t like the way they would need to adapt GTD to their lives, or their lives to GTD. Rather than pointing people towards your perfect system, you can often provide more help by pointing them towards the resources they need to find their own niche. While it might be a shameless plug, I think a site like LifeHack is going to be more valuable to someone you want to introduce to the concept of productivity than just handing them a copy of ‘Getting Things Done’ and expecting them to read it. For one thing, the posts here are a heck of a lot shorter than a book — which means that your friend or relative doesn’t need to make a big time commitment to start. For another, there are lots of options and lots of explanations of the pros and cons of those options.
I won’t argue that there is value in reading ‘Getting Things Done’ or a half dozen other productivity books, but most books aren’t primers: they aren’t a good starting place for someone who doesn’t know that there are options beyond overflowing inboxes and packed schedules. They’re generally written for someone who’s already taken a step or two in the direction of making life a little easier.
Where to start?
Rather than sending off books or lists of links, I’ve been able to help my friends and family by narrowing my focus. I’ll email a link to one specific article that directly addresses what problem they’re currently facing. And I don’t offer to walk them through it — I leave it up them to ask if and when they decided they need help. Sure, it’s rare that anyone actually uses the information you pass along in exactly the way you expect, but they often will be able to find some sort of use for it.
WRITER'S BIOGRAPHY
Thursday Bram
Thursday Bram is a freelance journalist of over five years experience. She studied Communications at the University of Tulsa and is currently working on her MA in Communication Design. Her work has focused primarily on entrepreneurial topics. More information about Thursday is available at thursdaybram.com.
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Comments
B Smith at Wealth and Wisdom says on May 6th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Great post. I’m cautions in offing advice especialy on sensitive items like money, relationships, religion, or politics. If someone asks me what I think they should do, I ask (often to myself) “do you want my support or my advice?” 80% of the time they are not looking to solve the problem.
What I find is:
-If they don’t ask, people don’t want your advice.
-Even if they do ask, they most likely don’t want your advice. They may want to complain. They may need to talk to someone. They may be looking for a magic pill to solve their problems.
-Only rarely are people ready to accept outside help. The more it costs them more likely they are to accept it.
B Smith at Wealth and Wisdom says on May 6th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Great post. I’m cautions in offing advice especially on sensitive items like money, relationships, religion, or politics. If someone asks me what I think they should do, I ask (often to myself) “do you want my support or my advice?” 80% of the time they are not looking to solve the problem.
What I find is:
-If they don’t ask, people don’t want your advice.
-Even if they do ask, they most likely don’t want your advice. They may want to complain. They may need to talk to someone. They may be looking for a magic pill to solve their problems.
-Only rarely are people ready to accept outside help. The more it costs them more likely they are to accept it.
Ann says on May 6th, 2008 at 11:03 am
My mother and my brother (who lives with her) are living with so much clutter and disorder that their house has become a fire hazard.
I already know that I’m not the person to help. I think what’s required is the help of someone with no emotional attachment to the stuff (though most of it is trash) and no emotional attachment to my mother.
The fire dept. has offered some help, and I hope my mom will take advantage of the offer.
This was a very timely post for me - thanks.
Marc and Angel Hack Life says on May 6th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I enjoyed the article. I’d like to add one key point though.
It is imperative absolutely imperative that you lead by example. You cannot give advice that you do not practice in your own life. If someone can see your firsthand success they will probably be more inclined to take your firsthand advice.
Angie D. says on May 6th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Another option is to actively facilitate family organization. That was our approach. We signed up for a family-focused calendar product called Famundo (www.famundo.com). Now, we finally have everything in one place–calendars of everyones various activities, including maps of how to get there, drive time & assignment of drivers; plus, to-do lists; address book; and an online library for all our family documents.
This “one-stop” approach works well for us because it ensures that we’re all on the same page without being cumbersome. Therefore, it gives us a streamlined, efficient method where madness previously reigned.
James Marwood says on May 6th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I have this problem with my housemate. She’s a recent returner to university and seems to invest massive amounts of time to produce very little. I talked with her about GTD, lent her the book, the CDs and linked her to the main sites.
Annoyingly she continues doing exactly what she did before but now proudly declares she is GTDing whenever she does something!
Attraction Guy says on May 6th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I’ve learned something that is related and I would like to share this with everyone on this blog.
What if they don’t want our help at all. ‘Helping’ gives people the feeling that ‘I’m better than you’ or ‘I’m superior than you’. And that makes people resist your help. And that also makes me upset when I try to help others.
I’ve learned this magical word to replace ‘help’- the word call ’support’. If ask others “Can I support you in your email?” You will get a totally different response because people don’t feel inferior or think that you are acting like you are better than them. They start to think that you are genuinely trying to contribute and make a difference to them.
I love this word and have been practice to take out the word “Help” from all my articles and conversation with others. People feel they are contributed and love to ask support from me.
Try out this word, you might feel different response from your family. Their jaw might dropped for a moment.
Lisa M. Hendey says on May 6th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
I loved the tone of this article, and also of Attraction Guy’s comment related to “supporting”. Perhaps taking a non-judgmental approach like this and being happy with “baby steps” of progress is the place to start. Thanks for some great suggestions! Lisa http://www.productivityathome.com
Simon says on May 6th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Great article and a topic I’ve found challenging. Two points I’d make from my experience:
1. “The Teacher arrives when the Student is ready” is a concept that we must not underestimate or ignore. I’ve played both roles over time for various things and can honestly say it is crucial this be understood.
2. The best thing a “teacher” can do is be a good role model. Live by example. That more than anything will help the “student”.
Bitter pills for an often impatient person like myself to swallow but the right medicine nonetheless :).
Simon
Arale says on May 6th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
It is SOOOO important to help you family get organized. OMG! When my grandparents passed away a few years ago, we were at lost! Their house was full of stuff from and we couldn’t find anything. After going through that, I have been worried. My parents have tons of stuff, too. A friend suggested that I get “Get It Together” published by Nolo. I got a copy for my parents to help them get organized. It seems to work well now that there is some kind of guideline.
Rosemary says on May 6th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
So right. Support is what they need and want most of the time. Sometimes after they receive your support and understanding, they will admit they can’t do it alone and will then ask for help which at that time you can give without feeling intrusive. Great post!
Rosemary
http://her-home-blog.com