Why being yourself matters
“The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice…it is conformity.”
~ Rollo May, Man’s Search for Himself.
There will never be anyone else like you in the future of the universe. There has never been anyone exactly like you since human life began. That’s why being yourself is more important than anything else; certainly more than the fear that traps people into conforming.
Non-conformists have always had a rough time. Society seems to need and fear them in roughly equal measure. As a person who was a teenager in the “swinging 60s,” I’ve seen a gray tide of conservatism flow back steadily to reclaim nearly all the ground it lost during that decade. Is this an advantage? If it is, I can’t see it. But that’s how life works: two steps forward, followed by one-and-a-half back as those who lost their power try to reverse the process.
The forces of the status quo—of conformity—have been strong again in recent years. Maybe that’s behind an upsurge in interest in self-development. When the outside world is intent on forcing you into a bland, acceptable mold, people naturally turn elsewhere to find an outlet for what matters most: their own uniqueness.
Adding some spice to life
Even the Bible says it. Jesus urged his followers to be like salt; to spice up the world with new ideas. He didn’t tell them to keep their heads down and do whatever their “betters” amongst the Romans and the Pharisees told them. You don’t start a new religion by fitting in. Today’s religious leaders are nearly all arch-conservatives, so we forget what radical non-conformists people like the Buddha, Jesus, and Mohammed were during their lives. Jesus wasn’t put to death for doing what the leaders of the society of his day approved of, was he?
Those who benefit most from the status quo are naturally the least interested in change, and they find allies in the fearful and the authoritarian. In the quotation at the head of this article, Rollo May suggests conformity is due to lack of courage. He certainly had a point. Many people suppress their ideas, hopes, and dreams because they’re afraid to stand out and draw attention to themselves. Conformity always includes a threat of punishment if you fail to fit in, whether it comes from ridicule, being shunned by others, or direct attack. Those who seek conformity have never been afraid to back up their wishes with force.
Conformity implies a fundamental mistrust of others
I believe there’s a more fundamental power behind the urgency with which authoritarian conservatives seek to suppress individuality. That power is lack of trust. Wise leaders and outstanding thinkers are alike in two things: they’re usually non-conformists on an epic scale—and they display a deep trust in the basic goodness, intelligence, and capacity for development of their fellow human beings.
In stark contrast, the most determined proponents of conformity have always been dictatorships. Under a dictatorship, any kind of variation from prescribed ways of thinking or acting is punished. Eccentrics of all kinds are weeded out. Nothing is permissible save blind adherence to the dictator’s edicts.
Conservative thinkers often suggest too much freedom will lead to anarchy and the collapse of all standards. Since they cannot trust others to behave reasonably, they always want more rules. Yet a dictatorship is exactly what you get when the ideas and standards of one group are enforced everywhere by the rule of law. Whether it’s a nation or a business, a dictatorship suppresses creativity, individuality, and freedom in the cause of “preventing license.”
If you can’t trust yourself, why should others trust you?
Being who and what you are is the most natural thing there is. To suppress it, whether through fear, yielding to social pressure, or lack of confidence always leads to trouble. That’s why millions of people today lead lives of frustration and desperation. They denied who they are in the hope that the powers that be would reward them. Their reward was mediocrity, depression and a nagging sense that life like that is scarcely worth living.
There may be a cost. Some people, even some friends, will disapprove of you as you truly are and will let you know it. There will be setbacks along the way. Yet the price for being yourself can never be as great as the price you will pay for stepping aside from your basic nature: a price paid in frustration, dissatisfaction, and the hopeless realization of all that you might have been, but now can never attain. The English poet A.E. Housman, a closet homosexual who lived a life of outward conformity and lonely respectability, expressed something of the idea like this:
Into my heart an air that kills
From yon far country blows:
What are those blue remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are those?That is the land of lost content,
I see it shining plain,
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.
Take up the challenge. Be whatever nature designed you to be. Never mind whether you face disapproval from those who lack the courage to follow the same route.
Conformity has very little to recommend it. Trust yourself and trust others. Our world has so little trust even a little more is precious. If you can’t trust who you are—the naturally valuable, curious, interesting, and exciting person you were born to be—why should anyone else trust you?
Mediocrity and inner frustration are the true price of conforming. Only those with the courage openly to live their dreams can ever hope to find lasting satisfaction with their lives.
Adrian Savage is a writer, an Englishman, and a retired business executive, in that order, who now lives in Tucson, Arizona. You can read his other articles at Slow Leadership, the site for everyone who wants to build a civilized place to work and bring back the taste, zest, and satisfaction to leadership and working life. Recent articles there on similar topics include Teaching eagles to run and The Law of Repulsion. His latest book, Slow Leadership: Civilizing The Organization
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Comments
resonance says on August 27th, 2007 at 10:35 am
I worked this summer with a group of people who were genuinely being themselves and working on their goals. They were willing to take into account others’ perspectives, including negative feedback on themselves; they were willing to make compromises for the good of everyone; and they could set personal differences aside in favor of effectiveness. Most people I know would call them conformist, because they do what is asked of them by their teammates and managers and (like a number of non-Western cultures) do not heavily value individualism.
I admire them. It is very difficult to do what you need to do to work within a small culture and support it, and has to be more frustrating when people are telling you you’re not being a good nonconformist like you’re supposed to. Every day I saw people being carefully diplomatic and working very hard. It was a good work environment that enabled me to focus on challenging, rewarding work.
It was markedly different from the subculture I grew up in, in which nonconformity and eccentricity and individualism were heavily stressed. (Sufficiently, I might add, to make living in the real world quite difficult until I learned the kind of nonconformity that is actually functional to pursue. I’ve met no one outside of a closed subcultural environment who has the economic and interpersonal power to fully and literally enact nonconformist values in real life without severely impairing their ability to accomplish what they want.)
I was not expecting to like my summer employment; I thought it would be conformist cube drones. But it turned out to be people who cared about producing good work, cared about creating a functional, cooperative workplace, and did both.
My overarching goals for some time have been to better the world in small ways, instead of to avoid being conformist. I’ve found people working on that everywhere, in both “conformist” and individualist environments. I’ve learned tools from both, and I am learning to work effectively within both environments. I’m not even sure that “conformist” and “nonconformist” is the best way to divide them up; “individualist” and “cooperative” seems to capture the distinction more accurately.
NewThinker says on August 27th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
Yes, there is a new conservative movement. Remember in the 60’s how you rebelled against your staunchly conservative parents? My generation is rebelling against our parents because your “free-love” ideas were the “one-and-a-half steps back” that you write about. We’re trying to clean up your mess.
Good read. Freedom of ideas is always a good thing. Your article was very partisan and transparent though.
Don says on August 27th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
Thanks for a great piece of writing. I read your feed everyday and this one really resonated with me. I’ve forwarded a number of your posts on to my coworkers this summer. I’m a creative thinker and I agree with what you’ve written. A friend whom I forwarded this to today also really enjoyed reading this too. Keep up the good work. Peace. :-) Don
Beansac says on August 27th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Great article, excellent writing. I’m glad that someone besides myself has this opinion. I hear people talking about “not making waves” and I am wondering why they are even bothering to show up.
Keep on writing articles of this caliber, no matter what the conformist “NewThinker” says. I don’t even know what he is talking about “cleaning up your mess” is.
Great Job!
Grace says on August 27th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
Don’t most of us feel, deep down, awkward, different, out of synch, at least some of the time? So who are all of trying to conform to? It almost seems like an imaginary standard, an agreed upon delusion where everyone is holding their breath, squelching their spirit, and waiting for the signal to exhale and be otherwise, themselves. I really enjoyed this post and it’s message, we need more of this! Thank you.
dewfish says on August 27th, 2007 at 7:32 pm
I’m tired of everything being defined as partisan and non-partisan. There are many things in life that have absolutely nothing to do with whichever politcal party you agree with. Enoungh of the republican vs. democrat crap already.
jay says on August 27th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
A lot of good thoughts but of course the liberal idea that we have taken steps back is itself passe. Life is never what you expect – deal with it; progress includes being sensitive to feedback and the fact that the sixties didn’t turn out as expected should be looked at as a learning opportunity. If we get into complaining and blaming “conservatives” we will wind up in the same rigid rut we want to move out of.
Ultimately progress does not need to include demonizing the past, this is the reason the sixties ultimately produced its own worst fears. The simple fact is that now we can look back and see that society in the fifties was often more creative and artistic than what we have today and in certain senses even more tolerant. This is what happens when you demonize something and define a movement based on the negative (what you aren’t) rather than the positive (what you are.) The eternal challenge of humanity is the same as always – live always to be more aware of who you are and who others are.
ab says on August 27th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
So why should I listen to you?
Heather says on August 27th, 2007 at 8:29 pm
You are a great writer! I like your thoughts. Thank you for sharing them.
Browncoat says on August 27th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Ah but what of the immortal words of Joss Whedon:
Remember, always be yourself…
unless you suck!
Perry says on August 27th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
So it’s conservatives that are the cause of all of our problems? I don’t think so. Nor are they even the ones preventing all the change that you seem to crave.
For example, is it conservatives or “progressives” that want to keep programs like Social Security exactly the same as it was in 1934?
Was it conservatives or progressives that opposed making changes to welfare in the 90’s?
Is it conservatives or the so-called progressives that resist and oppose any plans to change how public education works when it is clearly failing so many students?
The fact is, both conservatives and progressives want change, but they each have their own ideas about what those changes ought to be.
To somehow claim that conservatives are the only ones resisting any changes is disingenuous at best, and looks a lot more like a cheap political hack piece.
Come on, lifehack, you can do a lot better than this.
Bennyhana says on August 27th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
“The simple fact is that now we can look back and see that society in the fifties was often more creative and artistic than what we have today and in certain senses even more tolerant.”
Pray tell, tolerant how? Would you rather be a black American in 1957 or 2007?
James Torrence says on August 27th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
I can’t finish it. It’s too sappy.
Human nature, ie. the “reasons” for this and that are actually pretty well understood by many. Any one of several varied types of psychology, biology, anthropology, neuroscience, even computer science and economics etc. can give anyone who’s interested real insight. It happens though that the nature of these fundamental truths are largely unpopular and avoided by the public mind, sometimes consciously sometimes unconsciously by all people, not just the polarized political group you imagine yourself butting heads with all the time.
When societies as a whole feel safe and secure they feel free to be open, exploratory, less heavily governed by authority. When they feel threatened they look for leadership, strong guidance. They also look to place blame for their fear. They become more uniformly religious. They become more racist etc. 9/11 changed things in the way that all catastrophes change things.
I understand that the above article is kind of playing around with understanding these issues but it’s really just weakly theorized happenstance opinion being thrown together with some sort of self help rhetoric. There are real answers out there about your own underlying motivations, about how societies operate, about why we are religious, often mistrustful, often very hypocritical and so on. It’s not rocket science. It’s just not attractive to you. It taints your biased world view. And that’s something that all political groups have in common.
Paulimus Prime says on August 27th, 2007 at 10:10 pm
All I know is that I feel happiest when I am expressing myself…being myself. Show me a person pretending to be someone they are not and I guarantee you that they are not happy.
I enjoyed reading this post. Thank You.
aen@yaa.com says on August 27th, 2007 at 11:04 pm
tee’s to work! adsen
Jeff says on August 27th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
You can drop conservatism. The authoritarian phenomenon occurs on both the left and right.
James Justin Harrell says on August 28th, 2007 at 12:58 am
“Even the Bible says it. Jesus urged his followers to be like salt”
Way to conform! Thousands of religions and you chose the most popular one. Congratulations, you’re a hypocrite.
btw tl;dr
Bradley says on August 28th, 2007 at 2:48 am
This is the first time i am reading your post but it was well worth it,being a “out of the box” thinker is not always the easiest thing but you captured all the correct info in one go well done!
Wiselady says on August 28th, 2007 at 3:36 am
Totally incorrect article.
Statistically speaking, the likelihood of another person once upon a time in all of existence being precisely like yourself is pretty much 100%.
ash says on August 28th, 2007 at 5:42 am
thanks. I needed that this morning :).
Steve Hunt says on August 28th, 2007 at 6:00 am
You lost me when you mentioned the bible and Jesus.
Dan says on August 28th, 2007 at 9:29 am
The hippie-60s weren’t EXACTLY a watershed moment of non-conformity, y’know? I’m sure it took a TON of balls to do drugs along with the millions of other hippies, but somehow the movement (and the ’60s in general) strikes me as quite similar to the youth-conformity that has followed in every generation of kids that’s followed.
Conservatism doesn’t equal conformity, either.
That said, I’m not a conservative, but I do think that if you advocate non-conformity, you should perhaps understand what it is (and I should perhaps read the entirety of articles before critiquing them – ah well).
Andrej says on August 28th, 2007 at 9:59 am
What if I’m an asshole.. I don’t think being myself is implicitly the best way to improvement.
Mino says on August 28th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Your article *sounds* great. It expresses what many people *feel*. Nevertheless, it is blah blah. You do not define what “being yourself” is. Even if you did, you do not present the evidence in favour of your recommendations. Just feelings, and citing some examples, which might be biased picks.
This is not how you can convince thinking people today.
Adam says on August 28th, 2007 at 2:39 pm
first visit, great site!
Kyle says on August 29th, 2007 at 2:13 am
http://fourthcheckraise.blogsp.....o-you.html
Fourth Checkraise – 1
LifeHack – 0
Will says on August 29th, 2007 at 3:27 am
“I’ve met no one outside of a closed subcultural environment who has the economic and interpersonal power to fully and literally enact nonconformist values in real life without severely impairing their ability to accomplish what they want.”
-erm, nope. -They’re called millionaires & billionaires.
->And freedom is the Most Expensive thing there is. (sorry hippies, you lose.)
There are plenty of people who’ve become successful & independent, even if they conform just enough to deal with other personalities on a basic level.
When you talk about nonconformism, you have to be precise. -In what areas? -Business, Dress, Hygeine, Facial Hair, Public Incecency, Flatulence? -It CANNOT be a total fuckoff like the 60’s was.
How far do you take it? -Become a mumbling unshaven hermit living in Berkeley, screaming at Starbucks employees for not becoming buddhists and working at Peet’s, dressing in fuchsia and wearing a dead turkey on your head because you’re a nonconformist?
Watch “The Big Idea” with Donny Deutsch. -There are tons of people making a great living doing Exactly what they want/love;
-***and actually their unique personas are absolutely KEY to their business and financial success.
They did it, not somebody else. -Why? Self-Actualization.
And I agree with the whole “Hobgoblin of Little Minds”-vibe (as RW Emerson is my Hero) -Frightened, tiny people hate nonconformism, and express it in a variety of ways.
I say start with your job. Do what you love, be the boss, make a ton of cash & save/invest so you’re eventually financially independent and you’ve reached “escape velocity”.
(ex: when you can buy a flat in downtown London & not ask how much)
-I guarantee even when you do, you still won’t want to be the Turkey Man from Berkeley. It’s still nice to be balanced & palatable enough to have friends.
kheoh yee wei says on August 30th, 2007 at 3:29 am
Great post ever ! Being a non-conformist,these life hacks presented here will follow quite naturally…
sarah says on September 7th, 2007 at 10:34 pm
Well said =)
Schools are all dictatorships aren’t they? We have tyrants at my high school. My school suppress individuality. We are not allowed two toned hair colours, and they are only allowed to be natural hair colours. We’re not allowed to wear nail polish, or even jandals – the seniors, (me) don’t wear uniforms, just the juniors. We’re only allowed to wear one type of earing, sleepers, and only allowed to many piercings. We’re not even allowed to wear a singlet top, they hated bra straps showing. So now we have to boil in summer. They send people home if they don’t fit into their idiotic appearance code. Yeah, we’re not allowed to wear singlet tees ’cause according to two female teachers “It’s not fair to male teachers” … Enough said. I don’t think I even have to explain how that is so wrong.
So anyway, I am always myself although there are always setbacks, like controlling high schools, jobs, people.. How does your appearance effect your learning in such a way that you have to be sent home if you have a red streak in your hair, or wearing jandals (thongs, sandles)
My own best friend changed who she was for her bad boyfriend. I think if you’re going to be yourself, be your own person, and shine with your personality, you’re going to get a lot of heat for it. That’s why it’s cowardly to not be a non-conformist. It’s bravery to be different, every body is different and unique, there’s only one of each of us…unfortunately the majority of brainwashed society do not express what makes them different.
“”Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” – Cecil Beaton.” – couldn’t agree more.
Matthew Cornell says on September 13th, 2007 at 9:38 pm
Very nice – much appreciated. I’ve found I’m much more relaxed if I do this, even if it feels uncomfortable. However, I have to go in with an attitude of “I’m great,” and not be attached to others liking me.