What’s It Going to Take to Make You Happy?
I’ve been thinking about this question a lot lately. What does it take to be a happy person? Obviously the answer is going to be different for each person, but what worries me is that, as far as I can tell, most people don’t even ask – and those that do don’t have a very good answer.
Ask someone what would make them happy, and their answer is likely to be pretty vague. “A good career”,” they might say. Or, “Family.” “A strong relationship with my partner,” they might add after a moment’s reflection.
There’s nothing wrong with these things, of course, but there’s not much meat to them as answers. They don’t give us much to chew on – which is to say, they’re not really actionable.
And I think that’s because we don’t give much thought to the question. Maybe we’re a little suspicious of the very concept of “being happy”. After all, our grandparents/parents/[insert fabled ancestors here] came to this country with nothing and scraped and toiled to build a better life for themselves – they didn’t sit around thinking about whether or not they were happy. They were miserable and they liked it!
That’s the American Way, right? More and more, it’s the Modern Way, hardly bound to the US borders. Work hard, hunker down, tighten your belt, and make a better life.
There’s no dignity in happiness, not in this worldview anyway. Happiness is frivolous, fleeting, ephemeral. Dignity is found in the grave and serious, not the frolicking and joyful.
There’s another reason I think we aren’t willing to face the question of what makes us happy: we’re afraid that the answer will prove to be something out of our grasp. Maybe you need a million dollars to be happy, and you only have $3.62. Maybe you need a better job than you’re capable of holding, or a bigger house than you can afford, or a prettier wife or more handsome husband, or better-behaved children. Maybe you need to be smarter, better-looking, more outgoing, taller, healthier, more disciplined, thinner… someone else.
I don’t buy it. There are unhappy people in all walks of life. If it were brains, there wouldn’t be unhappy smart people – and there are. If it were money, there wouldn’t be unhappy rich people – and boy are there! If it were looks, there wouldn’t be unhappy beautiful people – and Marilyn Monroe wouldn’t have taken her own life.
And vice versa – there are unhappy dumb people, poor people, and ugly people as well. Just as there are happy rich people, happy poor people, happy dumb people, happy smart people, happy beautiful people, happy ugly people – happy people of every stripe.
What makes them so special?
I think the answer has to be self-knowledge – facing the question of what it will take to be happy head on. It’s obviously not something external to us that “makes” us happy; we make our own happiness. But it’s not so simple as just deciding to be happy. We make our happiness by determining what it will take, according to our own individual taste and character, to be happy, and chasing after those things and only those things.
Maybe you need to be rich to be happy – that’s the kind of person you are. Or maybe you just need to be comfortable, to not have to worry. Or, quite possibly, you need the edge of poverty to come really alive – stranger things have happened! You can’t know if you’re not willing – or not able – to face yourself and figure out what money means to you. Not whether rich people are shallow or profound, whether poor people are lazy or victimized by a social system that needs poverty to secure cheap labor – but what money means to you.
Or maybe you need a different job. But what job? Maybe you need to move – but to where? Maybe you need to get healthier – but how? In what way?
The trick here is to move beyond empty platitudes and hollow stereotypes and really look at our own lives. That’s where happiness starts to take root.
Your assignment – and mine, too – is to figure all this out, to sit down with a pad and paper and start writing out our answer to the question: what’s it going to take to make me happy? Be specific – what exactly do you want from life? How is each thing on your list supposed to help you create happiness in your life? Most important, are you sure these are your answers, and not society’s, not your friends’, not your parents’? It’s so easy to internalize everyone else’s talk about what makes people happy – but the proof’s in the pudding: are they happy? If not, what are you doing listening to them.
Sit down, write your list, and tuck it away somewhere safe. Then go out and do the things on your list, and let me know how that works out for you. Let’s see if we can’t all figure this out for ourselves, ok?
WRITER'S BIOGRAPHY
Dustin Wax
Dustin M. Wax is a freelance writer and project manager at Stepcase Lifehack. He is also the creator of The Writer's Technology Companion, a site devoted to the tools of the writing trade. When he's not writing, he teaches anthropology and gender studies in Las Vegas, NV. He is the author of Don't Be Stupid: A Guide to Learning, Studying, and Succeeding at College.
Follow him on Twitter: @dwax.
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Comments
Stephen Seifert says on October 1st, 2008 at 10:25 am
Dr. Archibald D. Hart, author of THRILLED TO DEATH, suggests the endless pursuit of pleasure is leaving us numb.
I’m finally starting to realize that ordinary experiences are more beautiful and far more satisfying than thrill-loaded experiences. These ordinary experiences I would always endorse in conversation but in private would avoid without even realizing.
Here’s my top 11 list of “ordinary” experiences:
11) Sit in quiet reflection.
10) Observe nature.
9) Fix things around the house.
8) Do some small thing for someone like hold a door or get them a drink.
7) Play simple music on a simple instrument.
6) Take a walk.
5) Hold hands with my wife.
4) Play with my kids.
3) Have a good attitude about doing something with those I love even if I’d rather not. (I’m almost never disappointed.)
2) Forgive offenders without delay.
1) Talk to God.
Emmett says on October 1st, 2008 at 10:32 am
I thought about this in depth and wrote up an outline for it. It comes down to balance and purpose. Of course it’s more complicated than that and the outline I wrote up could probably be expanded to a book. See the link for the outline.
It takes some training to distill all the pressures in your life into the four I’ve described but in conversation I’ve worked through them with people. So if you have a question, email me.
Normally I wouldn’t point to my own link, but there’s way to much than can be said in a little comment box.
Dustin Wax says on October 1st, 2008 at 10:39 am
Great list, Stephen. I’m not religious, so #1 doesn’t do much for me, but the rest are a great reminder of those “little things” that are, as you say, probably more important to our general happiness than the name on the brass plaque on our office door or the balance line of our checkbook.
Kevin T says on October 1st, 2008 at 11:09 am
This is a question I think a lot of people ask themselves. I’ve asked myself many times during my life and the answer I come up with can be depressing or liberating depending on how you interpret it.
I think Human nature is to be unhappy. You may find little things that can make you happy for a short amount of time but if you ever become truly happy with everything in your life then you stop trying to improve it. It’s this inherent unhappiness that drives us to improve ourselves and our lives.
By accepting this you can change your perspective and realize that the pursuit of improvement is what keeps us going and causes us to be unhappy with certain things in our lives.
Adriel Brunson says on October 1st, 2008 at 11:50 am
Great post, Dustin, and perfect question for this time.
In my experience, being happy is a decision we make.
Two people watching a sunset can have completely different experiences – one celebrating a wonderful day, the other regretting the past.
The most significant thing you’ve pointed to is the decision to be happy. Then take action to create that in your life – where ever that path may lead you.
But it’s the decision that carries the day because life is unpredictable, sometimes unfair and even cruel. It’s our attitude toward the future and the decision to make the best of what happens next that leads to happiness.
Thank you for your inspiring message!
-a-
Shanel Yang says on October 1st, 2008 at 11:51 am
You’re right about some people not wanting to be happy — or at least not admitting it. As a first-generation immigrant, I saw my parents constantly wallowing in their unhappiness. Though my mom always said all she wanted was a little peace in her life (whenever she and Dad fought and she contemplated leaving him) she never did leave him. After he died, she began yet another tumultuous relationship with actually a very peaceful man and SHE was primary the tormentor. I think they my parents just didn’t know that it was even possible to be happy. They just hoped for a little peace and quiet now and then. Imagine growing up around that kind of mindset!
Naturally, I and my sisters took after them for a long time. And, when we finally started wanting to be happy, we really had no idea how to go about it except for fleeting escapes to the movies, restaurants, or the mall. It’s not coincidence that 3 of the 4 of us were drawn to repeated philosophical discussions about happiness. Anyway, I still haven’t found the answers, but I have found happiness! It begins by finding out who you are, what you want, and how to get it. Then, all you have to do to be happy is go for it! Getting it is probably beside the point because it’s the process that’s so thrilling. I wanted to share all of this so I wrote a 30-day series including exercises for the reader called “All About You!” at http://shanelyang.com/2008/07/18/all-about-you/
Andrea Johnson says on October 1st, 2008 at 12:19 pm
For me, happiness is about having time to play – with fabric, beads, yarn, etc. – to explore my art – without having to worry about anything else. My dream is to not have to work for a living, and not have to worry about having enough to pay the bills.
Unfortunately, my situation at present is not conducive to creating the financial stability necessary to make that dream a reality.
So, I carve out bits of “playtime” where I can, and enjoy having that much happiness, at least.
Avani-Mehta says on October 1st, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Is the question what makes you happy or what is ‘mandatory’ for you to be happy?
What makes me happy will make a huge never ending list.
But what is ‘mandatory’ for me to be happy requires a ‘yes’ to ‘do I want to be happy’ and ‘do I take the responsibility to be happy’.
Michael Jones says on October 1st, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Happy comes from the root word Happening, meaning the joy you receive from an event that happened. Therefore its just a temporary feeling.
Is this thread about how to experience these events more often? Or maybe its about having some ultimate event in your life that gives you a happiness that lasts a lifetime.
The only things I think that can provide happiness over an extended period of time (like a lifetime) is:
- family
- friends
- spouse
- children
- religion
Clay says on October 1st, 2008 at 3:37 pm
A wonderful post, thank you. For so many years I have had difficulty defining what will make me happy. Its still a bit of a challenge. I’ve often defined what I’ve wanted against other people’s wishes, or inherited tastes and values without realising it from external sources.
There’s a certain courage in being able to authentically say “I want”, particularly if what that is deviates from “normal” expectations. Every so often I find myself having to write lists of what I like and dislike just to remind myself of my own tastes – an odd habit, but it seems to help.
Maslow’s Heirachy of Needs provides some guidance, but the envy I used to feel over other people’s self-actualisation is starting to be replaced with motivation to achieve the same. Which, at 27 (and after a decade of not *really* knowing who I was), is refreshing.
Again: great post.
Clay.
Stillborn says on October 1st, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Happiness is an inherent quality in ones being. It is actually the pursuit of happiness that unconsciously implies that one is not happy and so dissatisfaction with ones perceived sense of unhappiness arises.
Pursuing a list of things/desires that you think will make you happy (something you already are, regardless of whether or not it’s realized) will only provide you with a very temporary sense of pleasure or happiness. This sense of pleasure/happiness is mistakenly attributed to the external factors that have allowed us to experience this brief glimpse of the infinite happiness that is inherent in ourselves. This unconscious association causes one to leave this state often just as soon as one has realized it, only to pursue the next desire on the list in an unconscious attempt to regain that sense of pleasure/happiness.
This phenomenon occurs constantly on many different levels, from the long term desires like finding a suitable mate & starting a family w/ kids, to shorter more immediate attempts at re-gaining the sense pleasure/ happiness such as the basic craving for foods, particularly those one finds tasty or satisfying. The transient sense of happiness that is commonly experienced in the conceivable world utterly pales in comparison to the Infinite and Eternal happiness that is youSELF! So…if you’re truly serious about being happy, then you’ll abandon the idea of needing to be or become happy and start accepting Reality!
For Better and Worse
Stillborn
*ken@corpta.com – happy (no pun) to elucidate!
Stillborn says on October 1st, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Happiness is an inherent quality in ones being. It is actually the pursuit of happiness that unconsciously implies that one is not happy and so dissatisfaction with ones perceived sense of unhappiness arises.
Pursuing a list of things/desires that you think will make you happy (something you already are, regardless of whether or not it’s realized) will only provide you with a very temporary sense of pleasure or happiness. This sense of pleasure/happiness is mistakenly attributed to the external factors that have allowed us to experience this brief glimpse of the infinite happiness that is inherent in ourselves. This unconscious association causes one to leave this state often just as soon as one has realized it, only to pursue the next desire on the list in an unconscious attempt to regain that sense of pleasure/happiness.
This phenomenon occurs constantly on many different levels, from the long term desires like finding a suitable mate & starting a family w/ kids, to shorter more immediate attempts at re-gaining the sense pleasure/ happiness such as the basic craving for foods, particularly those one finds tasty or satisfying. The transient sense of happiness that is commonly experienced in the conceivable world utterly pales in comparison to the Infinite and Eternal happiness that is youSELF! So…if you’re truly serious about being happy, then you’ll abandon the idea of needing to be or become happy and start accepting Reality!
For Better and Worse
Stillborn
ken@corpta.com – happy (no pun) to elucidate!
Ari Martinez says on October 1st, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Happiness is a choice.
Jasmin says on October 1st, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Great topic. I’ve been thinking about this a lot too. I think it’s so important to be able to take our happiness into our own hands instead of letting it all rest upon external factors (like relationships, career, money, etc.) because any of those things can change in a heartbeat. My life just turned upside down in a matter of months, and it’s hard work trying to find happiness when everything that used to give me happiness is gone.
Nick says on October 1st, 2008 at 6:06 pm
very inspiring.
i love how you said,
“That’s the American Way, right? More and more, it’s the Modern Way, hardly bound to the US borders. Work hard, hunker down, tighten your belt, and make a better life.”
i’ve thought about what makes me happy. and i’ve come to MY OWN conclusion that its my living, and that as long as i have my apt, my bills paid and food in my tumm, i am happy.
but it feels like as if the only way to be happy in this day in age is to have money. the “rich” people want more money. because they think they will be happier.
is this really the American Dream?
i’ve done my share of traveling.
one of the places that astounded me the most was Sao Paulo, Brazil.
many people in sao paulo barely make it by. (including my father), but the majority of the people are happy, i see the same in chile, colombia, and mexico. but this is only from what i see through my eyes.
personally i believe that there is one thing that will make everyone happy, and its truly be free…
my $0.2
nick
Nathalie Lussier from Billionaire Woman says on October 1st, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Sometimes we sabotage our happiness. It happens, even if we convinced ourselves that we really wanted it in the end. I think asking yourself honest questions helps to get to the root of some of these issues.
Lora Banks says on October 1st, 2008 at 7:36 pm
This is perhaps the most important question we can ask ourselves – what makes us happy? What brings us joy?
Being unhappy is not a natural state in the US or any place else in the world. Just look at babies, infants, and toddlers. These young human beings experience joy and happiness when their most simple needs are met for food, comfort, safety, and connection.
There is no golden key to happiness and it is a little more than a conscious choice. Happiness is a process of moving toward our most deeply held values. Money doesn’t make people happy. What people believe about money can make them happy. Perhaps it is freedom, security, or a mark of achievement.
Look at the comments here. You can see the difference in what people value. Self-knowledge, freedom, family, simplicity.
The task is to identify what it is we most treasure – and you are right, it must be uniquely and honestly our own, not borrowed from our parents, or society or anyone else – and move toward and into greater alignment with those values.
Thanks for asking the important questions!
medz says on October 1st, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I think everybody is right..This hypothetical question, I always thinking about..quiet few months now..Happiness for me is just for short terms..the right term should be unhappiness,,Know why????
1. the world is in constant changeing, and changes means improvement or getting worst.
2. nobody can totally be happy because nobody is perfect…
3. It is human nature to be unhappy because we are great endeavors (I wonder there are no research about which part of our brain make this urges of non self contentment)
4. There are people who wants to be the others identity even theirselves are the best..
You can never have all the things in the world..thats whats makes us unhappy..thats the fact..
Tabs says on October 2nd, 2008 at 3:27 am
I can list what makes me happy but why then I am not constantly happy or a least content or maybe even okay all the time. I find myself (my moods) swinging up and down. I know it is life, but there should be a better way to deal with it. My gut lead to a book on Chakras and you are right it is not external, you have to seek balance inside then you realize that happiness is relative, it is all in your mind.
Great post,
-Tabs
Daniel McClure says on October 2nd, 2008 at 8:12 am
To really start working these things out I’ve found we need to rephrase the question. Often when asked what would make us happy, our mind jumps to the material short term results.
Believe it or not I think Frank Kern, an internet marketer had it right in one of his videos when he said you have to ask yourself:
If there were no limitations or consequences what would your perfect AVERAGE day be like?
A day that you would be happy if you only did that for the rest of your life. Not cray holidays etc.
Once we start to look at it from a different perspective then we start to find out more about what matters to us.
Tumblemoose says on October 2nd, 2008 at 9:30 am
Dustin,
Great reminder about happiness. There is no way to happiness, happiness IS the way.
Stepping back for a moment and seeing the forest for its beauty is easy when you stop focusing on the trees. Keep things in perspective and focus on what really matters in life.
We have a tendency to take ourselves too damned seriously.
Thanks for the reminder.
George
M. Shah says on October 2nd, 2008 at 10:37 am
I really enjoy the posts on Lifehack and I found this post particularly meaningful to me because I’ve been asking myself the same question.
I’ve come to the conclusion that happiness for me is being content. And contentment is to never stop dreaming for whatever is it that you yearn for but to accept what life gives you.
Unhappiness comes about when you dream for a BMW but end up with a Toyota?!? But a Toyota is just fine isn’t it?
My two cents worth. =)
Sami Mikhail says on October 2nd, 2008 at 5:40 pm
This has been sort of touched on in prior comments, but…
If the first question is:
What does “Happy” mean to me?
The second question ought to be:
How do I get there?
Daniel’s quote of Frank Kern’s question is a good first step. Follow on steps can be brain-storming exercises.
eg: If Happiness means spending more time with my family, and right now the only way I can think of doing that is to quit my day job, which is not realistic, then I need to expand my horizons a bit and ask “when else can I spend more time with my family that I have not thought of yet…?”
Oh, and if you do this from an NLP perspective, you sit down and visualize the situation and apply all five senses. :)
Laurie | Express Yourself to Success says on October 2nd, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Good question and good post.
When I’m unhappy, it’s usually because I’ve let myself think for too long of the not-so-nice things going on in my life – and to be honest, there really aren’t many. So, during down times, for me to ‘get happy,’ I sit down for 10 minutes and write out all the good things going on in my life and I focus on them throughout the day. Thinking about what’s on the list picks me up. And I give myself a friendly reminder to lighten up!
Dot says on October 3rd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
It also seems to be a cultural thing. Some nations, including the U.S., are just unhappy. Some (Mexicans) are the happiest people on earth.
I think ungrieved losses keep a lot of people from being happy. In my case, not being sick every f’ing day of my life for the past 20 years would make me happy.
dean guadagni says on October 3rd, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Dustin,
Again you hit on the very essence of what is wrong with our educational system, our views on possibilities, and how we are educated to follow the money rather than our passionate interests.
We allow our fears to become immovable obstacles, in our minds, that become excuses for not even trying to find what would make us happy.
The assignment you gave us is a very important one. Please consider taking a look at Susan Hanshaw’s recent book debut “Inner Architect: How to Build the Life You Were Designed to Live.” This provides a formula and step by step process and action plan on how to discover your passionate interests, dismantle your obstacles and fears, and move forward into the things that make you happy for an enjoyable career and life:
http://innerarchitect.com/prod.....architect/
Thanks for considering this fine work.
dean
Mike says on October 4th, 2008 at 5:15 am
Happiness is such a key component in living a healthy and fulfilling life – and the slower you take things, the longer the happiness can last.
Secara says on October 5th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Hi,
Great post! Happiness is probably an internal state of mind, and it relates more to how someone thinks rather than what he does, how much time with friends he spends, where he lives, etc… If you are not happy with yourself (and just this), then nothing else will make you happy. I might sound “motivational” now (and I don;t like this), but it may be just a matter of choice.
Zak says on October 6th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I think that the fact that our immigrants,defined happy as working to better their lives in some form is why this question becomes so hard to answer. As noted, we are constantly unhappy, but that drives us to change ourselves and remove what makes us unhappy so to become happy. Then we find a new area to focus on and repeat the cycle continuously. It is that constant overcoming of unhappiness which seems to bring happiness in our lives.
The real question is when, and quite possibly how, do we stop fabricating this unhappiness to overcome and truly start to be happy.
FrugalNYC says on October 8th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Its good to have some actionable things that make you happy, just don’t get too wrapped up in the actions that you forget the purpose and direction.
You left a great message and I hope many people will take up this challenge, assignment, goal or whatever they want to call it.
I’ll be writing my own post on Happiness thanks to your inspiration.
FrugalNYC says on October 8th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Sorry for the double post. Had connectivity issues with my wireless and I also noticed a typo.
wokka says on October 9th, 2008 at 10:40 am
I think people often feel unsatisfied because they think they need something more to be happy, instead of just stopping to enjoy what they have. We compare ourselves to others, and often think that we have to live up to their standards to have a fulfilled life, when the real happiness might be in the little things already available.
Good Vibe Coach says on October 22nd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Wow – what a wonderful discussion! I love how simple Stephen’s list is, and have found that true for myself as well. It truly is the little things – the night home alone with the dogs, the hot chocolate, watching the birds at the feeder – that bring me the most happiness. Not the big vacation or huge promotion or things like that.
Thanks for inspiring powerful thought on this topic, Dustin and everyone else!
Jeannette
kristi says on November 28th, 2008 at 12:24 am
how can you be happy if what makes you happy is gone..
you say that everyone has their own things that make them happy..
..that is true.. but if you’re unhappy, then that means that.. YOU DONT HAVE WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY..
therefore.. YOU CAN’T BE HAPPY!
Katelyn says on April 9th, 2009 at 11:09 am
What makes me happy