You can’t walk down the street at this time of year without seeing a schmaltzy couple draped over each other or a window full of love hearts. Whether you like it or not, the trappings of St Valentines Day can be seen everywhere.
Now, I’ll put my hands up right now and tell you that I’ve screwed up my fair share of relationships. I still get tongue-tied when I see a beautiful woman, I’ve pushed people away to protect myself and I’ve run round and round in circles wondering how things ’should’ be done.
Despite that, there’s a heap of things I do know about relationships. I know that it’s important to know what you really need from one; I know that you need to be in a place where you feel ready to be in a partnership with someone; I know you need to open up your baggage so that it doesn’t weigh you down or steer things in the wrong direction; I know that relationships aren’t about blaming someone else for what’s wrong or needing to be right and I know that the things you like and love about your partner are what matter, not what you don’t like.
But what I’ve also learned is that all of that stuff is useless without one, simple thing:
You have to be ready to let go and make it up as you go along.
I call this act of letting go “freefall”, because there’s a point where you just have to let yourself go; a point where you have to loosen your grip and let gravity take its course.
Love isn’t about game playing and it isn’t about logic, and all the relationship tips, advice, checks and balances mean nothing unless you agree to do this one thing.
Loving someone is scary, confusing and unpredictable, and the catalyst to making a choice to freefall is a big bag full of courage. You have to trust yourself to feel your way through and you have to forget about the old rules you’ve set and all the “should’s” and “ought’s” that set you spinning.
Be willing to make it up as you go along. Be willing to let your heart play a bigger role. Be willing to admit that you don’t know what you’re doing and be willing to take a chance.
As far as love goes, we’re all in the same boat. Play from the heart.
Nicely written article Steve. When I was younger, I thought that romance was played by “rules” and operated in some way of logic. Some people may agree to this, but I think ultimately it comes down to having a close and comfortable connection where both people are free to act in any way that they want.
@Hulbert: I totally agree – it’s when you apply your own set of rules and expectations that things get messy. That comfortable connection allows both of you to make it up. Nice work!
Thank you for your post. I have been “out of the market” for 4 years now, and not, ahem, due to lack of offers, but because of how complicated things have turned. You’ve touched several important chords in me, for example trying to be more positive (“the things you like and love about your partner are what matter, not what you don’t like”), and not letting our past ruining a good relation. The best thing of love is that it is like a roller coaster, but the bad thing of love is that… gee! it is like a roller coaster. Thank you very much for discussing this issue, which is seldom discussed in depth, I think.
Any personal experience in love..
ha ha
just for fun :-)
Really great post, Steve. True and inspiring. After 8 years of marriage, it’s nice to be reminded of that original joy/fear combination. “I can’t believe I’m so lucky. Will he actually say I do?” (He did, and I did.)
I love the post; you sound like a grown up!
Steve, I work with the people who’s marriages haven’t made it and the one thing that always crops up is they stop being ‘nice’ to each other. That ‘freefall’ is about placing trust in the other person and giving your all. If only there were classes.
Nicola
[...] 37. The one thing that makes love work [...]
Great post Steve – you’ve clearly learned lot along the way. From someone happily in a relationship for a while, I’d say you have to learn to trust implicitly and to stop taking yourself so seriously to make relationships last. They are about give and take and if you can achieve that, it is wonderful. Thank you!
Phil – http://www.lessordinaryliving.com
[...] From Steve Errey and the excellent blog http://www.lifehack.org [...]
I love the way you depicted the whole situation, very interesting article Steve. I think you are an experienced guy. But it looks awkward in seeing couples with lip lock in public places.
@Nacho: The roller-coaster analogy is a great one – ups and downs, twists and turns, but one hell of a ride. I wish you well!
@Sudharsan: Thanks for reading!
@Eva: Thanks so much and congratulations – make sure you both have a good weekend :)
@Lisbeth: Grown up? Nah, not really, but maybe one day ;P
@Mariya: Public affection can be an amazing turn on if it’s you participating, for everyone else it can be vaguely awkward. Thanks for reading.
I’ve been in a lot of relationships that didn’t work. This time around I’ve learned to just let go and enjoy. It’s been two wonderful years of love and learning. Two years and counting… =D
This sounds about right – and I would venture to suggest that it applies to child-rearing too.
Honesty. That has been our glue for over 6 years. That includes being realistic and getting over the idea that love works like it does in the movies. It doesn’t.
The only thing that makes love work is patience! Especially when you are married!
I’m a lucky guy because I just happen to be very love picky! Instead of dating I will be friends with a gal and then decide whether or not I’m interested. It’s worked well for me so far.
My darling husband and I are approaching our 25th anniversary — with six kids, ages 6-22.
Personally, I think the secret to a great, loving, long-term relationship are things like:
(1) similar values
(2) commitment
(3) willingness to give and serve (by both)
Nothing mind-blowing; kind of common sense.
Nice read Steve. IMO, this free-falling thing that you talk about is nice and a giddy and heady feeling in a new relationship. That is normally when we let go of our emotions, when we have to show someone how much we care or love her/him.
But as a married man, I personally think that the best asset to a relationship, aside from love of course, are mutual respect for each other, commitment, and understanding. These are the traits that I practice and so far, 5 years(!), so good. :)
I just entered into a relationship with my best friend who I love and care about heaps, but am not totally “in love” with. I’ve been stuck at the edge of the cliff trying to logically wonder what it would be like. But I realised the only way to know is to jump. She’s the most caring person I know. Only thing lacking is mind buzzing chemistry and flare. But she’s very comfortable and loving. I’m not sure if being picky is a good thing or bad thing. But I’m trying to free fall this time. I’ve never been this scared in my entire life. Here goes…
Alison,
your expectations on love are very low. No passion will develop that way;
everybody should point his bow to the sky to send his arrows as far as
possible. 25 or 100 years of marriage doesn’t qualify for first price, it is the
amount of passionate love which is the measurement of happiness.
Vincentsylvan
How many women do you need Travis? You make it sound like it is a business.
There are not classes Nicola, but there are books to bring solutions to this extensive subject. I wrote and published several of them.
It is all about the character and chemistry of the participants guys, we have to rely on our own natures to find the answers.